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AHHHHHHHHHHH.

Sorry I haven't been around for a week...it's been a really lousy month.

Remember Gizmo's reaction when the malfunctioning water fountain sprayed his head near the beginning of Gremlins 2? I've been doing that all month. Every five minutes. It's become a coping device. Like, I'll be at work, find out that a thousand bucks worth of tape has gone faulty, and instead of yelling...I do the Gizmo water fountain reaction. If I wake up in the morning and notice that my left eyelid has mysteriously swollen up to twice its normal size in an apparent effort to make me face the world as a monster, I don't cry...I just do the Gizmo water fountain reaction. These are all true stories, and I suggest that everyone give it a shot. Dunno where I'd be without the Gizmo water fountain reaction. Likely in a box.

I can't wait for August to be done with, because I've decided that the month is cursed.

And besides, we all know what September brings...the all-too-early and yet all-too-inviting start to the Halloween season. I've been trying to look the other way as every store in town starts filling their aisles, because I don't want to waste the glory of a New-For-2007 Halloween item when it's 100 fucking degrees outside. Shit like that calls for sweater weather, not sweat weather.

Still, try as I might, even with a swollen lid, I can't pry my eyes away from the holy unholy sights of things orange and black. Especially when they're edible and light-shining:


As a premise, "Lightning Pumpkins" is nothing new. I've seen the same gimmick on other candy sets, usually ones involving gummy bugs. The frightening fun involves picking up little pumpkin candies with a special tong featuring an inbuilt red light, which is powerful enough to beam through the gummies and create some kind of glowing alien pumpkin effect.

The packaging is extra special. It seems to have stolen a bunch of Halloween clipart from one of the few still-running 1998 Geocities sites that offered such things, with repeating images of the same angry ghost and the cutest little pumpkin patch ever put to plastic.

Admittedly, grabbing pumpkin candies with light-up tweezers gets old after a while, but it fulfills its promise of $1.39's worth of entertainment value. What's even more fun is using the tweezers on other, random items to see which are able to get a full shine-through.

Anyways, after a couple of days in the office next week, it looks like I'll be in the clear for a while. Just in time to scour Target for the latest bat-shaped snacks. Stay tuned, and happy SNT...if you're here.

Posted by Matt on 08/25/2007. E-mail me!



Discussion Thread: 251 comments

You’re dead to me, Braindumper. For real. :P

Chestnuts roasted by Knegative @ 08/29/2007 10:23 PM

Braindumper – just wait until you see the script, completely full of great lines like “Dude, the earth stood still” or the crazy freeze frame martial arts that will now be built into the movie.

Chestnuts roasted by jjwspider @ 08/29/2007 10:38 PM

Yeah, all-in-all I do like September. As I said before it is by birthday month. I was just trying to join in on the chorus to a certain extent.

I can’t wait for football season to start.

I still don’t want to turn 30 though.

I am getting very tired of searching for a new job and the calendar switching over is only another reminder of how much I need one.

Chestnuts roasted by Magic Toy @ 08/29/2007 10:38 PM

I have to hit the sack. Why does school start so early? Let the children sleep in, I say. Start school at Noon. Then, I can sidle in about 11, like I normally do.

Tell me, when you’re next available, Norbert. My apologies.

Chestnuts roasted by Knegative @ 08/29/2007 10:58 PM

The only thing about September I like is that is when the networks start the new tv season. But that doesn’t start until about the last week.

I couldn’t give a flying flip about football. I only watch the Superbowl because of the commercials. Heck, I couldn’t even tell you who won last time off the top of my head.

My mom’s birthday is in August, so any month where I get to eat cake and go to Benigans (Monte Criscos RULE) gets a thumbs up from me.

Chestnuts roasted by JLAJRC @ 08/30/2007 12:00 AM

Marching bands are the only reason I care about Football.

Also: Metroid Prime 3 is awesome and the music is stuck in my head.

Chestnuts roasted by Cameron T. @ 08/30/2007 12:02 AM

I’m really sorry for missing the trade, Kneg, but stuff happened and I wasn’t able to get to a comp or my wifi spot.

As for next available date…I really don’t know when I’ll be near wifi again.

Chestnuts roasted by Invader Norbert @ 08/30/2007 1:02 AM

September is okay. I like it because it’s when the weather starts cooling off.

Chestnuts roasted by Annette @ 08/30/2007 1:27 AM

Yeah, August has been a really bad month for me too. Really, really bad.

On a different subject … I love celebrating Halloween and all, but aren’t the stores introducing the Halloween merchandise sooner and sooner every year now? Am I just imagining it? My boyfriend thinks I’m crazy. I made a bet with him in June that Halloween stuff would start appearing in stores this year by early August. Then, the first week of August we saw a full Halloween section had been set up at “Ross Dress for Less” department store. I did a little triumphant dance and he just rolled his eyes and said “Yeah, I guess they are putting the stuff up pretty early this year”.

I don’t know why it bothers me so much. Halloween is fun, but I don’t understand this effort to elevate it to Christmas status by trying to give it its own 3-month-long “Holiday Season”. I mean, its only a ONE NIGHT holiday where kids dress up and go tricker-treating for a couple of hours and adults use it as an excuse to go to themed parties and haunted houses and get drunk while dressed like vampires or Maximus Prime (I known, I know… it can be much more, but in essence that is how I see most people spending it). No time off from work or school. No travel to visit family. No official “carols” or songs. No gift exchanges. The TV stations hardly even bother to run Halloween specials anymore (I ended up having to rent most of them or watch them on YouTube last year).

So, why do the supermarkets now play any song even vaguely related to ghosts and monsters for two months straight in an effort to pretend there is a such thing as a “Halloween carol” and to put me in a festive Halloween mood? Why am I being offered with the chance to buy spiced pumpkin candy and black cat decorations while I am on my way to the popsicle aisle for something to cool me down from the intense summer heat?! WHY??!!

Sorry, I have had my rant now. You can all tell me that I am a terrible Halloween-hater or something. I will try to behave and be quiet until Halloween. But so help me, if I have to spend September again this year listening to the Monster Mash 35 times before getting to the counter to pay for my milk, I may loose it…!

Chestnuts roasted by Force Captain Adora @ 08/30/2007 5:21 AM

Blasphemy! Halloween’s my favorite “holiday” or event of the year!

I’ve gotta join the August Sucks parade though – this has, by far been the worst month of the year.

Chestnuts roasted by worldofbong @ 08/30/2007 7:23 AM

I wish we’d shift the holiday seasons back to where they belong…. but it’s probably going to have get shifted all the way around before it gets normal again. We’ll be singing Chirstmas carols in May, eating turkey in April and celebrating Halloween in March…. it’s madness!

And I think Halloween deserves more hype than just the one day at the end of October… it’s a buildup for the whole month, X-E has done more than it’s fair share to give halloween it’s just due. Besides, Halloween is the quintessential setup man for Saint Nick.

Chestnuts roasted by Double G @ 08/30/2007 9:37 AM

I generally wake up between five and six AM, due to my misspent youth on the farm. As you may know, there’s buggerall on television at that time of day except infomercials, so if I’m going to have some background noise for my Civ IV session, I’ve got to look elsewhere or risk purchasing something useless and expensive before I get some coffee in me.

Since it’s the last day of August, I’m trying to burn through my instant viewing time on Netflix. So I’m looking through the television section when I come across a PBS documentary entitled “The Natural History of the Chicken.” Now, I’m a bit of a history nerd, so this piqued my interest. I know how we domesticated horses, cattle, sheep, and pigs, but I know very little about the primeval form of the humble chicken. Expecting a History Channel-style writeup, I started it up and set about thrashing those perfidious Greeks.

Good lord. This documentary is one of the most surreal things I’ve seen since I got off the post-surgery painkillers. It has absolutely nothing to do with history other than the story of a 40s-era headless chicken. It’s just a series of increasingly deranged people discussing their personal relationships with their chickens. It ends up as a veritable who’s who of cranks, kooks, freaks, and the elderly insane.

By the time you get to the old lady with badly-dyed Ronald McDonald hair reciting a poem she wrote about the chicken she describes as her soulmate over footage of her shopping at the grocery store with the chicken in her purse, you realize that somebody here is being rather comprehensively fucked with. And you suspect it may be the viewer.

Because all of these people are dead serious. No jocularity. No sarcasm. They’re projecting inappropriate anthropomorphism just as hard as they can with the offhanded conviction of someone talking about the weather. It’s like an episode of Reno 911, including all the bad mustaches.

Tragically, this magnum opus is not available on YouTube or Google Video as of yet. But if you’ve got Netflix and you haven’t tried the instant viewing feature yet, you’ve just found your reason. You owe it to yourself to get drunk and watch a succession of good-natured psychotics tell you terrible lies about poultry.

Chestnuts roasted by Jedoc @ 08/30/2007 10:23 AM

I hate to burst your bubble, Jedoc, but there are 31 days this month. August won’t be over until midnight tomorrow.

I’ve sat here for days reading people dump on August, and now I can’t take it anymore. I love the summer. I dread the arrival of September because it means that fall is coming – no going out without a sweater or jacket, turning on the lights around 5 PM because it’s starting to get dark, no more swimming, leaves falling off the trees as a reminder that winter’s coming and everything’s about to die, Bruster’s and Sonic go back to closing at normal hours…it just gets cool, dark, musty, and depressing. As far as Halloween, I’ve said before that I have no happy childhood memories as far as that’s concerned and no kids to make some with, so aside from the Halloween Countdown, I couldn’t care less. I know I’m in the tiniest minority here, but I just couldn’t let one more person crap on August without me saying my piece.

As far as putting up Halloween early, I think it’s because a lot of stores have seasonal sections, and once the Memorial Day/July 4th cookout explosion is over, they have to fill that with whatever holiday is closest, hence Halloween stuff in August. Some stores do Back to School, but usually that stuff is already elsewhere in the store, or there isn’t enough stuff to fill the whole section. As the Halloween stuff starts dwindling, they have to fill that space with whatever’s next, which means Christmas in October (since Thanksgiving doesn’t really have its own merchandise.)

Chestnuts roasted by Lori @ 08/30/2007 11:46 AM

“62 days til Halloween, Halloween, Halloween. 62 days til Halloween, Silver Shamrock”.

If you have a Michael’s craft store near you, check it out. They have TONS of stuff out already. I’ve spent $150 in there in the past 2 weeks.

Chestnuts roasted by freudguy @ 08/30/2007 12:19 PM

August is redeemed!!!

I should explain. Last night my dog snuck off and we couldn’t find him anywhere. We looked for hours, but no luck. Now I know that compared to some of life’s big challenges a lost dog isn’t the worst thing that could happen to someone (hell in this very thread we’ve got someone that lost a frikkin organ serving our country, mad respect for that) but for me it was as bad as could be. We live off a busy street, and he’s only 4.5 pounds so it’s not like he’s at any advantage in a fight. This morning I was out putting up flyers for two hours before I found the yard he blundered into. Now he’s home safe, filthy but otherwise none the worse for wear. I hope everybody else having a bad month has a similar upswing in luck :D

We’ve had chickens as “pets” in the past. They’re horrible.

Chestnuts roasted by squee4242 @ 08/30/2007 12:32 PM

Lori: Zounds, you’re right. Curse you, Gregorian calendar! Curse youuuu!

On the bright side, this does give me one more day to get my homework for Info Retrieval done.

Chestnuts roasted by Jedoc @ 08/30/2007 1:24 PM

They’re showing the original “Halloween” and “Night of 1000 Corpses” tonite on IFC.

Chestnuts roasted by JLAJRC @ 08/30/2007 1:51 PM

Thanks MaryJane!
Holy crap, squee! Was that Bean?

Thanks to all for the gaming console info.

Chestnuts roasted by Bill @ 08/30/2007 1:58 PM

Indeed it was, Bill! :D I ended up having to take him in to the vet for the world’s cutest x-ray. He has some ouchies but he’s alright. Now I have to go try to get some work done today :?

Chestnuts roasted by squee4242 @ 08/30/2007 2:35 PM

You’re welcome Bill!

And than you Jedoc for the great idea. I am home sick today and soooo bored, I never thought to watch something on Netflix. Midday tv is starting to really suck.

I already watched a two hour documentary on serial killers, two of the five were from Wisconsin, so that was pretty exciting.

I cant promise I’ll watch the weirdo chicken movie, but I’ll definitely check it out.

Chestnuts roasted by MaryJane @ 08/30/2007 3:52 PM

It’s almost time for the X-E Holiday Blowout Blast Bash Extravaganza! I can’t wait. The Halloween/Christmas combination is the best time to be an avid reader of this site, if you ask me.

Chestnuts roasted by Matt(#2?) @ 08/30/2007 4:53 PM

Oh, and August has been sucking for myself as well lately. It’s been too hot to breathe and I’ve had the flu for the past few days. Bioshock made August a little easier to deal with. I’m finished with August and this freakish weather.

Chestnuts roasted by Matt(#2) @ 08/30/2007 5:08 PM

I just got a 118.00 speeding ticket. I had just picked my son from daycare where his provider let me know that next week there will be no alternate care as planned (she and her husband are going out of town for the week) but I must still pay her full weeks tuition tomorrow morning. So, next week I have no daycare, will probably have to hire a private sitter at 10 dollars an hour, pay a woman for daycare she is not providing and now I have a fine that I can’t pay and my insurance is going to go up. I cried there in front of him. He said there was nothing he could do but he wanted to sit around and talk about it. For real. I was crying and my son was in the back seat and this man who just gave me a ticket wouldn’t let me drive away because he wanted to get chatty. Sorry, this is too long. Today sucks, only because I don’t have enough money to afford today.

Chestnuts roasted by kb @ 08/30/2007 5:22 PM

What part of the chicken is the noodle?

Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 08/30/2007 5:26 PM

KB don’t they have flex days? Many Daycare centers have it so you can take up to 5 days off a year without paying so you might want to mention this to them. Also, they needed to give you more notice than a Thursday afternoon before a holiday weekend. That is just unprofessional. Why do you have to pay them for services they are choosing not to render? That is just insane. I feel your pain on this one.

For the ticket, can you go to traffic school? I know it will still cost money but most likely less than the ticket and it won’t make it onto your driving record so it won’t effect your insurance.

We need to make August pay for it’s crimes against us all. I am totally ripping it out of my calendar for this year and next year. Screw August!

Chestnuts roasted by Cricket @ 08/30/2007 5:29 PM

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