The X-Entertainment Blog!

08/07/2007: Soon to be a major motion picture…

This has been a terrible week. Everything that could go wrong, has gone wrong. I suspect it will continue for a few days, as I can’t shake the feeling that I’m like some sentient cold slot machine that must fulfill its quota of zero payouts before sliding back into the tropics.

To this gripe, I have a case in point. Had to go into work today. Not to the office, but to one of the facilities I’m working with. Got there about an hour early, and so to avoid being “that guy” who hobbles around the lobby until it’s time to punch in, I stood outside for forty-five minutes, smoking cigarettes and nervously checking my text messages, even though I knew I had none. So, we hit 9:55, and that was close enough for me to make my elevator-assisted ascent to their office. I’m taking my last drags, and with mere seconds to go before I’m in the building and off to work, what happens?

A bird shits on my arm.

Now, I was hesitant to tell this little story, because technically, the last blog entry was about shit. I’m not trying to create a new trend for X-E; this was purely coincidental.

So, I’m standing there, happy that my hour-long bake in the sun was nearing its conclusion, and all of the sudden…I feel it. I didn’t even need to look down to know what had happened, but I did, and it was the blackest, most tar-like bird shit the history of bird feces. It looked like Courtney Cox’s open wound after Skeletor blasted her in the leg in the live-action He-Man movie.

Now, what do you do when a bird shits on you? If my reflexes and impulses are to be believed, the first thing you do is scan the area to make sure that nobody else saw what happened. It’s one thing to be shat upon; it’s another to be shat upon with an audience. Somehow, even in the heart of Times Square, nobody noticed. I quickly rubbed my forearm against a nearby wall to take care of the excess, then did away with the rest with what I swear to you was a napkin sent from God himself, which just happened to be laying in the back of my work bag, even though I’ve never carried napkins or tissues in my life.

Long story short, even after arriving an hour early, I was ten minutes late to work. Aside from needing to wash off any remnants of this most foul turn of events, I was also convinced that another bird –or perhaps the same bird– had secretly shit on my back as well. So I lurked around the lobby for a few minutes, trying to catch a glance of my back in every not-a-mirror-but-kind-of-reflective surface I could find. Fortunately, I was just being paranoid. Even during a bad week, it’s not easy to get shit on twice.

After describing my awful morning to the person I was working with, he told me that it’s good luck to be shat upon by a bird. I’ve heard that before. Maybe I even believed it. Now that I’ve been there, though, I’m going to have to disagree on that one.

I actually feel a little bit better now that I’ve confessed. Thanks for listening. I’ll be back tomorrow with a review of a Battle Beast or something.

Could magic be to blame? You right about dookie one day, a bird takes a dump on you the next… And you call this coincidence? Not likely. Today you wrote about working, smoking, needlessly checking your phone. I will bet you any amount of money that these things are repeated in the near future.

Perhaps I should start writing about fame and fortune instead of bird shit and cigarettes.

Crap! (pun most definetly intended) I so thought I had a real shot at being first. Damn you Tougi! Damn you all to hell! Oh well, thirdsies ain’t all that bad.

Man, that was some turn of events there. I’m sorry that happened. Luckily it’s only been my car they’ve targeted so far, and sometime I think it’s a well coordinated effort involving laxitives, bran muffins and coffee. So, did anyone you worked with notice any residues before you brought it up?

No, I can safely say that my arm had never been more clean than it was as I walked into their office. The area that I scrubbed with a pen cap and soap still stings.

Karma? I doubt it. I mean it hasn’t started raining Ninja Turtles pudding pies and Fortress Maximus-es, has it?

Look on the bright side: At least it didn’t shit in your hair, or on your clothing. If I had to get shat on by a bird, I’d totally want it to be on my arm.

I concede that to be a bright side, yes, but I’m just seriously the kind of person who’d rather be struck by lightning than shit on by a bird.

Could be a lot worse, Matt. I had a catastrofic fall in the lobby of my old building during the 8:58 mad dash for the elevator. I can’t get that slap sound from me hitting the wet marble out of my head. I would rather have a bird shit down my collar.

Bill: Catastrophic falls in public places are just LOADS of fun, aren’t they? Nothing like it. I was working at a Japanese hibache restaurant last year and slipped on a bit of water on the floor while carrying a bunch of dirty dishes back to the kitchen and completely wiped out in front of 3 full tables. Dishes flying everywhere. The owner’s wife, a little Chinese woman (not a soul that worked in the place was Japanese, btw), ran out and screamed at me for being careless or some such….I don’t know, she spoke Chinenglish so I usually only got half of it. What a scene. I didn’t work there long. But yeah, I feel your pain. I think the only thing that ever shat on me though was one of my cousins when they were a baby. Ew.

So where does one go really to have a discussion given the last blog had so much crap talk. I guess we make a little tangent and start discussing animal crap stories?

Should we just poke more fun at Matt maybe?
Maybe it was the Fates punishing you for chain smoking?

damn man. that sucks. When the new ferry terminal was being constructed, it was a haven for pigeons. In that time of construction, I took at least 2 shits to the head and 1 shit to the shoulder. Sadly, no napkins from God were there to assist my clean up. Had to throw out my brand new Fighting Squirrels hat too. fucking pigeons!

I think the person who came up with bird poop on head equaling good luck is the same one who had that happen in front of all his friends. In which case, tripping over the same snag in the carpeting day after day at work is great for your karma, says I.

I’m all for poking fun. Matt’s ill attempt at applying the official Freddy Krueger makeup kit is worth a few jabs alone.

You win, DJD. I just scurried to go hide in my office for the rest of the day. You got chewed out in a haiku.

Matt, hope your week improves. But just to be safe, keep your mouth closed if you look up.

Oh, I was thinking it was on your sleeve, rather than your actual arm. I guess it’s better not to have crap residue on your clothes all day, but poop hitting actual flesh ups the ick factor exponentially. Yuck. Maybe if a cool bird shit on you it might be lucky, like an eagle or a flamingo or something. Not a nasty old pigeon though.
“Poop is raining from the ceiling. POOP!”

http://joox.net/cat/2/id/1316524 Ninja III: The Domination (AKA That Badass Ninja Movie from the 80’s Where Dudes Use Badass Nainja Hand Gestures to Spin/Teleport Through the Ground and Fuck Shit Up.) (1984)

Yep! That’s right! The Garbage Pail Kids Movie in all of it’s glory!
both movies are in pretty awesome Divx quality and are streaming, which means you don’t have to download them. You may need to download the Divx player if it asks you to though, which is fine, because you want the divx player regardless.

Man, if I got shat on by an eagle I would have a F’ing episode! Those things eat snakes and mice and that is something that I just can’t deal with.

Speaking of poking fun …
In a completely non-sexual purely platonic/heterosexual/idiomatic/superstitious/informative and any other mutliple-syllabic-words-you-can-think-of (i’m stealing this preamble from some other guys post from the other day)
Matt was in my dream last night and he was getting his hair shaved off, and he was not happy, and everyone was laughing… and then the dream switched back to something completely different.

Just remembered that… how odd - do you even keep your hair the same colour now Matt? If it’s gonna be in my dreams it may aswell be accurate!

Dude, you don’t wanna start a fight over white-dude-as-ninja movies. I’ll teleport over there and jump kick glass shards at your head.

TP: Ho-lee effin shit. I can’t believe you just said that. Why? Cause that reminds me of something I was going to mention when I got on here tonight. I totally dreamed about Matt last night too! Swear to God! Swear I’m not trying to steal your thunder or anything, but I gotta mention mine real quick.

I dreamt I was at his family’s house for some reason and they put on this home movie of a time when he was in school and was in a band. The movie was of them on a small stage playing what they said was a Pink Floyd song but it was no Pink Floyd song I’d ever heard. The lead singer was kind of a chunky guy wearing a futuristic jacket like Marty McFly wore in Back to the Future 2 (”Your jacket is now dry”). The bass player who was kind of hanging out in the back near the drummer was wearing a Batman costume, and then off to left was this kid who looked to be about 12. Mr X-E himself. He was playing guitar and started to sing his part in this hilariously low voice. He had fashionable purple lipstick on with teased up highlighted hair. He sang his bit and that was the end of the song. The family said something like, “Wasn’t that great?” And then I mentioned that I would have to bring this up on the chat boards. Then I woke up. I tried to make a mental note this morning not to forget it, but then completlely forgot it till just now. I really don’t know whether to think it’s really funny, completely embarassing on my part, disturbing, or all of the above.

What could all of this mean? Is it some sign? Matt’s bird incident….your dream….my dream…what’s next? Plagues of locusts? Rivers of blood?

That’s OK, I’d just snatch them out of mid-air, ala Joe Armstrong, and throw them back at you.

Oh yeah, it wouldn’t cut my hand either and this would also be done very quickly… very ninja-like.

But truthfully, I’d rather watch some of the Lone Wolf and Cub movies than argue about it!

I think therapy because we’re dreaming about someone who for all intensive purposes in most of our lives is really.. kind of .. ficitious?

But that response sounds boring .. I’ll try come up with something wittier.
Although the look on his face when it was being shaved off was hi-larious…

Birds are evil. Years of Batman battling the Penguin, and Spider-Man battling the Vulture and Owl should have taught you that. Although Robin and Hawkman are cool. I’m surprised no one has developed a pigeon-based villain yet. Although the Nazi pigeons in “The Producers” come close.

The idea of him being fictious is an intriguing one. What if he really is? What if we all sub-consiously sort of invented the site? Like one of us really had some hang up about Lazer Tag or something and wanted to know more about it and willed an article into being. Suddenly it just appeared. This happened enough times that eventually a whole ongoing site was formed. As for Matt, he’s just the embodiment of the minds and memories of legions of nostalgic Gen-Xers all rolled into one. He doesn’t even exist. We just made him up. But, like any good sci-fi or horror movie he will come into physical being. And God help us when he does. God help us all.

I, too, have been shat on by a bird, at a debate tourney, no less, where I had nothing to do but wash it off and put on my suit jacket.

Bill: I broke my foot once, and the sound of it breaking still echoes in my head at the strangest times.

the Gripp: Are you implying Monster Squad is the greatest ninja movie ever? Very well, I accept, although I have never seen ninjas in that movie.

DJ D well I wasn’t going to take it that far … but I can go along with that.
Our collective subconsciences (sp?) came together in an orgy of energy and created this hyper reality?
Does that even make sense?
There are many holes in this theory though - well, more so questions, if we made him up and he will soon be real and not virtual, than why on earth is he the way he is? What does that say about us?

It’s pretty strange that so many of us have X-E related dreams, but it makes sense considering how much time we spend here. Interesting idea, DJD!

If we made Matt, why don’t we have longer Halloween countdowns, along with simultaneous Advent Calendars? I think Matt is secretly a famous person, with an alias.

TP: Oh, we think we own him but he’ll soon be way out of control. I mean, how many people are regular readers of this site? We may be able to all deposit just enough energy to create this thing, but I doubt we’ll all be able to come together and agree enough to keep it reigned in. Once he awakens and takes physical form, we’re screwed. That’s why we have to just keep humoring him. Keeping him comfortable. Let’s not give him any crazy ideas. We probably shouldn’t even be talking about this right now. He might be listening. Take my word for it, friends. Eggs are frying by themselves on our kitchen counters. The Gatekeeper is searching for the Keymaster, and one of us will be chosen to choose the form of the destroyer.

DJ D Just ghostbusters… what about poltergiest references too - because that one always spooked me.

FyarGirl makes a good point though (as usual). The answer is, we’re just not trying enough. I think we should focus our collective energies more on longer Halloween Coundowns and simultaneous Advent Calenders. It’s like Matt says (or is it like we say?)–Together we can make a difference.

I’m not in the US but I am guessing it’s late for you DJ? Hence the delerium?

We can change topics if you like… I still want one of those flying saucers I posted about in the other thread that I don’t think anyone looked at…?

I was shit on by a bird while walking downtown after high school. I don’t think it would bother me nearly as much now as it did then, but I absolutely freaked out at that young and tender age.

If it really is good luck I think I’ll let one of my parakeets out of their cage and see if one happens to poop on me while I browse X-E and Myspace. I could definately use the boost.

I’ll check out that flying saucer. Where’s the link? Where are you by the way, TP? I did a semester abroad back in ‘99 in Middlesboro, England. Got to do a lot of travelling around Europe while I was there. Can’t wait to go back.

I went to Europe in the summer of 2001, and I think I left my heart in London. I freakin love that city. To paraphrase Sophia Petrillo, if London was a person, I’d get naked and make love to it.

I dunno, England has never really appealed to me (but for some reason the current beau and last beau are bloody english!) but then again, I haven’t spent time there.

Probably like Paris, did Europe in ‘05 and had absolutely NO interest in Paris but stopped over 4 nights (thanks round the world ticket) totally unprepared with no idea what to do and had the BEST time!

One time when I was like 9 or 10, I was playing outside and a bird took a shit on my arm. I fucking flipped out. To this day, if there are birds flying over me, I get nervous.

Don’t I know it!
I went to a Latin club on the first night, had some guy enamoured with me, the next night he was working at said club so he introduced me to his brother to look after me and then the next night I was passed onto the Cousin (don’t get filthy ideas, I didn’t ‘do’ the whole family’) but it is cute what they say - and I say cute in a ‘oh if only you knew how truly cheesy you sound but you say it with such confidence and belief I can’t help but feel endeared .. and no, you’re not getting in my pants’ kind of way?

And lets not forget the the bunch of french firemen I met up with who all had to go to work at 5am and were up at midnight drinking whisky and dancing.

Wow - shit and existential arguments, all in one. This site is freakin’ WIN. I’d like to chime in that Matt could be an embodiment of Carl Jung’s collective consciousness theory, and that he is created not just by X-Eers (though we of course have the most influence - the demi-gods, if you will) but by every bored soul that secretly (or not so secretly) longs for the days of He-Man and Freddy Krueger head squirters. Oh yeah, and dudes shitting in cross-section books. Can’t forget those.

In preparation for the day Matt becomes real, I suggest we lay a trap laden with squid lamps at low, low prices.

Sorry for the double post, but I didn’t see the Europe stuff. That just makes this even better.

Frakkyfire so what you’re really saying, in a cryptic round-a-bout kind of way is that we long for our youth and it’s relative simplicity?
I swear the shine on He-man and Freddy Krueger head squirters just ain’t as brilliant when dealing with the responsibilities of the adult world… assuming we find the time to indulge in them in the first place.

My favorite memory of the summer I went was talking with these Brits on bikes with my room-mate. We were on the 2nd floor of the hotel, they were on the street, and of course they wanted to come up. We kept saying stuff like, “No, that’s ok, we just want to talk to real British men.” And they’d say something back like, “We want to see real naked American girls.” They were getting a little pushy (yeah, I know from two floors away, but still we were 16), so we pulled the trump card and told them we were minors. And, lo and behold, that’s when they decided to come up despite our protests. Security caught them on the 1st floor landing, and 6 years later, my room-mate and I are still laughing about it.

I’m sorry, but my fav White Ninja movie is “Beverly Hills Ninja” starring the late Chris Farley.

Well that’s just cool is what that is. Bout time we had flying cars. Sure did take long enough. Now, where did I leave that $145,000 laying around?

I left a big piece of me in England too. I don’t think a day has gone by since then that I haven’t thought about when I could go back. Actually, I literally left a piece of me there. Four days before I was supposed to fly back I opened a door and banged my toe in such a wonky way it ripped my toenail clean off. I can tell you first hand I’m a fan of their hospital system. I wasn’t even a citizen of the country and didn’t pay a dime to see a doctor and have it bandaged up. I didn’t even have to wait that long to see someone. They even had a taxi take me back to my flat.

Right, then. I’m off to beddy-byes. Nice talkin’ to you folks. Maybe tomorrow night we’ll all have more dreams of X-Entertainmentness to talk about. Wouldn’t that be….well, I’m not sure exactly what that would be. Later!

The first thing somebody in the south does when a bird shits on them is pull out the nearest concealed handgun and start firing at the sky.

Okay, so maybe that’s a bit illegal in Houston, and concealed handgun laws are strict too. (You can buy an AK-47 or a shotgun at 18 but have to be 21 to buy a handgun, for example) I should really stop pulling the Southern card out here…

They just tell you being pooped on by a bird is lucky to make you feel better about being covered in birdshit.

Well, you know I wear black dress shirts, Nobert. I wasn’t trying to philosophical, or anything

I also wasn’t trying to type like I was drunk. I failed at one of those goals. Guess which?

Wow, that sucks. I’m happy to say that I have never been shat upon by anything, though a few weeks ago I was walking in downtown SF and a pile of bird shit fell on the sidewalk right in front of me. If I had been walking just a bit faster, it might have hit me. =x

Maybe it’s a New York thing. I got shit on by a bird in Central Park back in May. I was wearing a white shirt and we were walking, so I had to wear it proud for a few hours.

Hey Norbs do you use the same handle over at TWOP? I was reading some old posts in the Seinfeld thread and somebody with your name was waxing nostalgic about Newman and the muffin tops and I had to wonder.

We get these epic, Hitchcockian flocks of crows in the trees in our yard. When they get spooked they take off in massive clouds that go on forever. I always have to remind myself not to have my mouth open if I’m watching them go by overhead.

“Hitchcockian”
I remember walking to town one day and as I stepped out of the house, I saw dead trees with just hundreds and hundreds of birds crowded on them around my house. All staring at me. As I walked down the street, in unison, they would all fly up as a flock and come down into the next set of dead trees that I was walking towards and they continued to watch me. This went on all the way into to town where there were no trees, they just all flew away after the last set. When I tell people this story, they’re impressed but I never feel that they’re impressed enough.

I like the entries about discontinued worms and ridiculous cereals, but I like the entries about Matt’s life even more. The Disney vacation article, for example, is my favorite article.

Dohopoki, master of flying types.
I’m putting that on my resume and you as a reference on my applications.

I’m sure someone has already mentioned this on here, but just to say it again: Monster Squad is finally coming out on DVD!!! Whoa, Wolfman’s got nards!

Matt, I had a bird crap on my hair while I was walking to school on the first day at a new junior high. There is nothing lucky about the foulness that squirts from a bird behind, and sometimes in revenge I buy a cheap bird and take a crap on it, then release it into the wild.

Poor Matt…I’m sorry you’re having such a terrible week…You know, the bird shit incident could’ve been alot worse…I saw some countdown on VH1, and one of them featured Cyndi Lauper. She was singing in concert and a bird shit in her mouth…Ew.

If matt does take form and it frightens you - fear not. You can keep him away by simply eating a hungry man all-day breakfast, cover yourself in pumpkin innards and hang a couple bananas around your neck. HA!

I thank whomever posted the link to garbage pail kids. I haven’t seen it since 94. We rented it from Video IS in Hazlet NJ when i was visiting my dad.

Due to a number of gross oversights on the part of the OU admissions board, I’ve now joined the proud ranks of Oklahoma X-Ers. My apartment is pretty awesome and only three blocks from campus, but sadly it won’t have an internet connection until next Monday. Late. Or Tuesday. Or sometime in November. Something about hell on earth.

Anyway, you crazy kids just keep on keeping on until I return from my forced exile to meatspace. And stop talking about poop. Seriously. It’s probably not healthy.

My favorite version of “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas” is sung by Mr. Hanky, The Christmas Poo.

Off the Mr Hankey’s Christmas Classics? I love that version, one of my favs as well. It actually is sung very well.

I’ve only been shit on by a bird once. This was many years ago (we’re talking early 90s). I was at Universal Studios with my then-girlfriend. At the time I had your typical 90s hairdo (ie. horrible mullet-type thing). I was just walking along minding my own business and this bird flying overhead launched into Operation Dumbo Drop and took a squat right on my head. Unfortunately, there was an audience. I’m not sure if they thought I was part of the tour or what, but the laughs and applause were deafening. Too add insult to insult, we took a shuttle back to our hotel and were the third to last stop the driver made (so there were lots of people still on board). As he pulls up to the hotel he announces, “This is your stop, ladies.” Again, unfortunately, my girlfriend and I were the only ones to get out. Because of my stupid 90s hair I was mistaken for what I can only think would be the ugliest “lady” this side of Ernest Borgnine.

Mary Mary: I saw that VH1 show while sitting on the couch with a few buddies. I have no idea why but after seeing Cyndi take bird poop in her moth I stood up and started clapping. I have nothing against Lauper either.

Just be glad larger animals don’t fly. Especially the bigger carnivores. Or even cows, for that matter. Getting whapped upside the head by a cow patty from on high? Tragedy if it happens to you, Comedy to someone else.

As for Matt being a summoned entity, maybe not, but some of the long-timers know we are occasionaly graced by the presence of Gozer. although I haven’t seen ol’ flat-top for a while, I know he, she, or it is still out there, somewhere. Hi, Goze!

Man I saw him a mile away - he was easy pickings.
Just sitting outside occupied with his phone.
You should have seen the look on his face!
MMMMMMuuuhhahahahahhahahahha!!!!!!

I know that mockingbird’s are evil. Some of you may know they have this lovely habit of singing from about midnight to morning. And since they change their tunes after a few bars, it’s like sleeping next to a car alarm. How I wish I had a BB gun… If they shat on me, I would have to kill them on sight. Even babies. Sorry.

I dont know if this will make anybody feel any better, but my puppy’s had the uncontrolable shits for almost a week. The kind a little guy cant always hold in.

I’ve cleaned it up up to five times a day. I swear, he goes right after we come back inside and I turn my back.

Last night I walked through the house in the dark and stepped in it. I had shoes on and didnt feel it, so I tracked it through a whole room.

Fortunately, it was my husband’s “turn” to clean it up, so I just had to rinse my shoe off.

Starting to feel like Britney Spears; but it’s not like I LET him poo in the house.

Yes I do. “The Cleaner” is one of my favorite endings to one of my favorite episodes, “The Muffin Tops”

Speaking of bird poopings. In my neighborhood there are a lot of trees with berries on them, mulberry trees are EVERYWHERE, including the 2 in my yard. Well, my truck is solid white. Seeing a bright purple splatter on a white paint job is nothing new.

One evening I go outside to get something out of my center console and there’s this huge purple streak going across the side of the bed. It almost seemed as if, after the all you can eat buffet in my yard, this bird did a 100 MPH pooping fly-by above my truck.

The splatter was about a foot long and , by far, more horizontal than verticle, craziest poop related sight I’ve ever seen.

I’ve looked at previous posters here and I see nobody named “Norbs” so I’m going to assume you’re talking about me. Pardon if I’m mistaken.

But, being a big Seinfeld fan, I’m sure I’ve posted on the show quite a few times, although TWoP (televisionwithoutpity I assume?) isn’t something I frequent, it’s still possible I have posted there before.

If you have a link to the exact thread I’ll check it out and let you know for sure.

I am so going to get fired one of these days. It is hard enough to hide this at work but when you all have me rolling at my desk with tears literally streaming down my face I have trouble disguising my mischief.

I have never had a bird poop on me but I do have a sad tale to share if it will make Matt or anyone else with public humiliation feel any better. Now some of you know I am prone to accidents (i.e. cut badly in shop class, food poisioning in Home Ec., etc.) so I have learned to laugh them off and move on. What you probably don’t know is that I have a phobic fear of needles. No joke, I have had hypnotherapy to help settle some of it down. It is not gone but I can manage it better on most days. Anyways…I decided I wanted to get my upper ear pierced so off to the mall I went with my friend in tow. I sit in the chair and issue my usual warnings to the person about to torture me so she won’t freak when I faint. They always laugh it off and ignore me, thinking I am being dramatic. Let me assure you that I live a drama free life and merely try to warn them lest they think they killed me or something.

She dots my ear and positions the gun. *SNAP* Delayed reaction and then I mutter “ouch” and sit for a moment. Not so bad. Then I wake up on the floor with my friend fanning my face saying “It is no big deal, she does it all the time.” The ear piercing girl screaming hysterically into the phone to security about needing immediate help and a small crowd gathering. At this point I sit up and the ear piercing girl won’t come anywhere near me, she is petrified and my damn ear hurts. She calms down enough to get started marking my friends ear for her new hole and I proceed to puke all over the stuffed bear they let me hold while in the chair. In retrospect eating Salt & Vinegar chips and drinking a Pepsi before going was not one of my better ideas. Thankfully the bear contained all of the mess so I did not have to worry about personal clean up other than drinking some water.

Security arrives, we pay for the torture I just got (and doled out). All the little girls that were waiting to get their ears pierced for the first time are running from the shop swearing they will never pierce their ears it looks too painful and scary and their moms trying to convince them otherwise. Security asks me if I will be leaving soon and to please make sure that I am not the one driving (see they really do care).

At this point I am done dealing with the shop idiot who wouldn’t believe me when I warned her in the beginning so I head upstairs to the other Claire’s Boutique on the other end of the mall to get my ear cleaning solution so I don’t get a nasty infection and have to have my ear cut off. I get to the store and my ear is really hurting so I mention it aloud to my friend. The girl at this store looks at my piercing and then pops it apart because it was on too tight. No sooner did she pop the piercing stud it dawned on her … “OH MY GOSH, you’re the girl from downstairs!” Within a matter of 5 minutes news of me had already traveled the span of a really large mall.

I think that I might have the makings of a major motion picture myself. I could have the world rolling on the floor with tales of my many many many misadventures in life. If it weren’t so damn funny I might have to kill myself.

I have been thinking about getting my belly button pierced for a few years now but haven’t quite worked up the nerve to torture another person.

Matt, I live in NYC, and earlier this year a pigeon shit IN MY EYE. Honestly. Think about that for a second. It was traumatizing. I was walking home from work, not really looking up (maybe 20 degrees) and WHAM! right in my fucking eye.

Well, one time in first grade we just got back from lunch, and because of that, I was denied the hallpass to go pinch one. Well, I really had to go and nothing was stopping it, but I didn’t want to get in trouble by running out and causing a scene and I couldn’t hold it in, it all came out right there in my jeans while sitting down at my desk.

I guess I assumed everybody within a 20 foot radius lacked a sense of smell. Since I was too embarassed to tell the teacher what happened and ask if I could go clean up, I stayed at my desk… all day.

School let out at 3, so by then, it had really started to dry out and thicken up, and living in middle of nowhere, it was about 4 when I go off the bus. My mom was waiting at the bus stop and could immediately tell something was wrong by the way I was walking bowlegged and somewhat unable to bend my knees. After a few seconds of me in the car, blame it on the breeze, but my mom wised up quickly.

It was pretty embarassing, and I’m not stupid, I know half that class could smell the butt party I just threw for myself in my pants, but nobody said anything except my mom.

FISTPITTINGNORK: I don’t have the album, but every Christmas Comedy Central usually runs the musical South Park Christmas episode featuring that song. Although for some reason last time they edited that out, which ticked me off (too soulful, perhaps?). The Jesus/Santa song is hilarious, too.

Off-Topic: I tried a new limited edition soda from Mountain Dew today called “Game Fuel” which features the Halo 3 tiein on the bottle. It’s basically a cherry soda with a little citrus thrown in. It’s alright, but nothing special.

CHOCOLATE RAIN
falling down from a clear blue sky
CHOCOLATE RAIN
hitting Bryan right in the eye….

I have Mr. Hankey’s Christmas Classics and I break it out every year. Completely and utterly delightful.

I don’t have control problems, but every once in a while I do manage to soil myself. No biggie.

Ah, yes the Santa/Jesus one is hilarious. I found the DVD at Best Buy for less than $10 a couple of years back, I’m sure Amazon will have it for dirt cheap.

Where did you find Game Fuel at? I’ve been waiting on it to come out but have seen it’s not out until the 13th.

Oh Nork, that sucks. If it makes you feel any better I hosed myself playing “Red light, Green light” in the first grade. I can’t remember the outcome. Maybe I blocked it out.

Hey Cricket, I had my belly button pierced back in college. However, if you passed out from an ear piercing, I would suggest you stay away from the belly button. They pretty much take the miniature equivalent of cooking tongs, pull the skin away from your body, and shove a nail-sized needle through it. Since it is done within eyesight, I don’t think you’d survive. I barely did.

As for Matt… join the club. I’ve been pooped on twice - one at an amusement park (Cedar Point via an overzealous seagull) and once while loading my luggage at the airport (bird unknown). If it is any consolation, the second one isn’t nearly as traumatizing…

I have heard too that being shat on by a bird is good luck….. but let’s be realistic here….a bird just shat on you.

Sorry for the confusion, Nork. BTW, “butt party” totally cracked me up. Still does, in fact.
I figured that had to be you, Norbert, but you know what they say about assuming. It was cool to have my two little internet worlds collide like that (I surf TWOP when I can’t go to X-E for porny-seeming URL reasons). And The Muffin Tops is an awesome episode.
Anybody check out clarkandmichael.com yet? Sorry to be so OT, after two threads I don’t know what else to say about dook that hasn’t already been said

If being crapped on by a bird is good luck, then I’d hate to know what bad luck is.

We also sometimes get large, Hitchcockian flocks (actually “murders”) of crows in our backyard. I can see why people used to think large gatherings of crows (or ravens, rooks, or magpies) near them foretold doom. Why do you think the flock term is “murder”? Then, I think the whole legend was something like, an odd number meant bad luck, and an even number meant good.

But of course if they’re all shitting on you, greater numbers just make it worse.

Fisting: I was at the local grocery store (Hy-Vee) and they were selling them in the 20 ounce bottles for 99 cents. I just grabbed one for lunch (btw, grocery store delis are awesome and underrated places to eat).

Holy Snikes, Andrew. You just added a whole new layer of meaning to the song Murder of One. Been listening to that album for more than a decade and never knew Murder was the term for a group of crows.

Heh Andrew I didn’t use the term “murder” for two reasons:
1. Does it still count as a murder if there are eleven billion of them? We’re talking more like a massacre here. Double homicide at the least.
2. I don’t want them getting any ideas (see 1).

Thanks Gripp - I haven’t seen The Garbage Pail Kids in *at least* a decade.. it’s aged *so* wonderfully too!I know it’s a tenuous connection at best.. but besides “a murder of crows”.. my favourite animal grouping is “crash of rhinos”… It seems like someone was paying attention there.

Did anyone notice that Matt hasn’t said anything since you all said he’s a figment of our collective imaginations? WILL HIM BACK!

Oh Cricket and Nork…Those are awful stories…Cricket’s made me laugh hysterically which is bad since I’m at work and shouldn’t be on X-E…Ah well. The risk is worth it.

Reminds me of that bird that shat on the nun on America’s Funniest Home Videos.

I used to just puke when it came to needles and then one day I fainted. Fainting became my thing for years and then one day I blacked out. Blacking out was my thing for a while and then I started blacking out and seizing. I know…sounds like fun to be me! The hypnotherapy worked really well during my pregnancy and for a long while afterwards. It has come back recently because I developed allergies to cats and got a nasty sinus infection that took a year on steroids to clear up. The infection stretched my turbinates so I had to have surgery to shrink them down. The surgery was not that big of a deal but the 2 monster size needles they had to shove into my nose was no day at the beach.

I need to go back to my hypno lady and make her fix me again. This sucks in a big way.

I might just have to do the belly button piercing thing though because I try to make it a habit of blacking out at least once a year whether I need it or not. I have it perfected and would hate to get rusty now.

OK so in the news today we have a shuttle lift off (successful!) and apparently a tornado hit New York! My hope is that Matt is on his way to outer space and not stuck in the rain soaked city. However the rain might just help to wash the bird poop shame away once and for all. No no outer space would still be better.

Quick everyone…wish him back into internet reality. I have tons of tragically funny stories I can share to help fill the time and split your sides but I prefer to dole them out sparingly so I don’t look like a total loser all at once. These impressions take some real time and should be handled carefully.

Ok, embarassing stories (I completely forget this yesterday talking about bird pooping)

I was sitting out on the verandah with my friend, people watching and my cat wonders over. He had been getting a little feral of late, disappearing for days on end and coming back all beaten up looking so I guess he wasn’t overly used to us anymore.
So I pick him and put him on my lap and carry on chatting to my friend while stroking his back.
He starts purring and moving around a lot, flexing his claws and digging them into me like he’s trying to ‘fluff’ his cushion.

Anyways, after a few minutes of this he really starts arching his back and making odd noises and moving around a lot and tries to bite me when I touch him so I stop touching him and he’s stil moving around a bit and making odd cat noises, like, a really odd kind of growl… and suddenly it clicks - my cat is getting fresh with me!!

So I grab him by the scruff of the neck and hang him in the air and see this wet patch on my shorts and I am SO grossed out, my friend looks at me and then the cat and starts squealing with disbelief and humour and then says ‘what’s that??’ and points to the cats little widdle sticking out and I say ‘it’s his dick?!’
and she says ‘OMG, I didn’t know cats had a dick!!’

I throw the cat to the ground and say ’so ah.. how did you propose they had sex?! all serious now she says ‘I dunno, I never really thought about it before’

“Right then” I say and run off to take those horrid shorts off and change.
So there I was just trying to be nice to my cat and he gets fresh with me!!

I’m sorry for suggesting Matt was a figment of our imaginations, I seem to have started something that can no longer be controlled!

Yuck. Man Matt, that’s not fun. At least you didn’t slip fall down a long flight of wooden steps in the rain because you were in a hurry and threw on flip-flops. This happened the day after the 4th of July. I sprained my knee, and thanks to the dog days of August and my working standing up, it’s still sore.

Wait, “getting fresh” means like “getting jiggy” or “getting it on?” When did this happen? Getting fresh is when someone starts getting mouthy, at least in my neck of the woods.

Makes me shudder to think about all the times I “get fresh” with my grandmother o_O

“getting jiggy” means getting it on? Fuck. I don’t even want to know what getting it on means now.

I guess in my neck of the woods ‘getting fresh’ is well, it has a sexual connotation

Yeah, we actually still use Jiggy in that capacity. We are weird. Now watch, the Colonel is going to bust up in here and tell you I’m completely insane.

I’m looking through old X-E Christmas stuff, because it’s not that hard for me to get a little bit “in the spirit” at very inappropriate times. And I’d just like to say that as much as I love the reviews of old Christmassy ads and the comic strips, I loved the third Christmassy thing Matt would write about in the 2003 calendar. Most of it was food, but I loved ‘The Great Ribbon Candy Experiment’ and the sort. The presentation was awesome, too, but I’m willing to let that go if only Matt could return to adding that third topic each day.

Anonymous: I will be doing that in a sort-of kind-of way this year, again. Advent Calendar will run as always, but there will be daily blog posts covering items like the ribbon candy.

Well, there’s our gracious host. Nice to see you could join us. We’ve been discussing you at length, as I’m sure you’ve noticed.

My dad was looking at stuff about Cloverfield (which I *still* really wanna see..) and he was saying it was going to be hyped forever.. like “Snakes On A Plane”.. so.. did anyone see “Snakes..”? Was it good?.. or maybe so bad it’s good (that’s what I figure..)

Yeah, saw Snakes opening night. One of the self-actualizing moments of my life. Yes, I did finally pick up a copy of it

Nigel: Snakes didn’t deserve the hype, but it was no worse than any of the other films in its group — like Anaconda, Anacondas, Anacondaaaaas, Lake Placid, etc. Honestly, people would appreciate it more now if it didn’t have that hype to live up to.

I thought it lived up to the hype just fine. An invincible SLMFJ, snakes biting genitalia. Everything it promised and more. Anaconda and its sequels aren’t nearly as funny, camp, or fan pleasing, to me anyway. Snakes is Samuel L. Jackson porn, and who doesn’t want that

I mean that in the sense that they call Hostel and the like “Torture Porn.” Now you get the idea, if you didn’t already.

Kneg: I think the only problem was that the hype caught on a little to late for them to rethink their strategy and really turn it into a nearly-spoofy Samuel L. Jackson podium piece. I’m prone to love these kinds of movies anyway, but for the majority who went in there thinking they were going to get a combination of all his classic characters taking on snakes, I can see where some felt let down.

I’d still say Lake Placid is my favorite of the more recent run of these movies, though. I love Lake Placid.

There may be a new blog entry before anyone reads this, but I thought I would put this out there anyway. Has anyone here seen the movie Dazed and Confused? I was listening to a local morning radio show yesterday, and one segment was about how the hosts finally talked their traffic reporter into seeing the movie over the weekend. It’s a favorite movie of just about every staffer on the show, but the traffic woman said it was one of the worst movies she had ever seen. I have not seen Dazed and Confused myself, but what is so good/bad about it? Just curious.

Not quite on the subject again, but lately the Los Angeles Chamber of Commerce or something has been running these TV commercials encouraging people to move to LA. I literally just saw a TV commercial featuring the lunging dinosaur in Back to the Future The Ride. Guess these people didn’t get the message that the ride is closing in just about a month now. According to Wikipedia it’s closing after Labor Day. We barely knew ye… Although, 2015 is how many years away now? And the way things are going, that year probably won’t be quite as cool as in the movie.

Thomas - It was actually a decent movie.. not *great* .. but it was about a bunch of high schoolers partying on the last day of high school.. two groups.. the (soon to be) seniors and the incoming freshmen.. Filled with drug references and set in the 70s.. Watching that movie made me wonder if even in the 70s they could get away with all the crap they pulled.. if that movie was set in modern times.. I’m pretty sure every main character would be arrested.. Ben Affleck is in it.. and he’s pretty funny.. but Matthew McConaughey as Wooderson is *really* good.. “That’s what I love about high school girls, man.. I get older .. they stay the same age..”

Thomas I’ve seen it, I remember liking it, but why or what it was all about I can’t remember - just usual silly buggers really?

I’ve never seen the entirety of Dazed and Confused, but I really should. I mean, PARKER POSEY.

I know where you’re coming from Matt, and I respect your opinion. It was good for me, is all I’m saying

Having Decaydance take care of the soundtrack was certainly a great idea. Too bad Starship Cobra had to put out an album sans Trav from Gym Class Heroes, that guy from The Academy Is.., and that girl from the Sounds

Okay, no more serious commentary after that one. That just slipped out after the BTTF reference.

And how’s this for foreshadowing? I’m right now watching The Most Extreme on Animal Planet, and one creature featured was a bird that literally attacks by crapping on enemies! So yeah, sometimes they do do it on purpose.

Andrew, Dazed and Confused is an awesome piece of work! If you have not already you need to immediately go out and purchase a copy of it. The soundtrack alone makes it worth it. The cast is some of the best IMHO - Milla, Matthew, vintage Ben, Joey Lauren Adams, Parker Posey and so many more. The term SOUL POLE will take on a whole new meaning!

Sorry for the double but I am still wondering if Matt played in the tornado today? Apparently he did not launch himself into outer space! Bummer, I bet it would have made a stellar article!

One time I saw someone upon get shat by a bird.
This was no little shit either. It was Canada goose shit.

At least the shit that hit you, sir, was not like dogshit-sized shit and was only like lil’-bird-sized shit. Not that this makes it any better. I would go nuts probably. I kind of dislike shit. Especially upon my bodies.

I had the soundtrack to TF: The Movie in my hands today (Stan Bush, not Goo Goo Dolls :evil:) and I almost bought it, but I picked up Pencey Prep’s album since it got a (re)release thanks to MCR’s success. Also, I repurchased …Bullets, since it too was rereleased (yay, Eyeball records!!!) with videos and a sampler.

Yay, I’m not the only one thinking about Christmas already.
I still need to see Snakes, and Lake Placid for that matter. I liked Deep Blue Sea, I still have to watch if I come across it flipping channels.
Dazed and Confused is awesome. It’s not the greatest movie of all time or anything, but it’s funny and wistful and the whole cast is great, especially McConaughey. Back during the days when it was really good, That 70’s Show owed a lot to DaC, in my opinion.

Dazed and confused… Kind of a “fast times at ridgemont high” set 10 years earlier. Good music, fun if predictable storyline…. Ben Afflick is pretty funny in this as is matthew mconawhatever.

I prefer “spirit of 1776″ for funny 70s type movie (but made in the 90s). About people who travel back from the future to the 70s in a spaceship that runs on visine. David Cassidy plays the lead. funny stuff, hard to find though (had to buy a copy off amazon).

As for the bird poop, I work at a crappy casual dining restauraunt and outside we have a large pond with lots of geese/swans. Well we were all out back taking smoke breaks, and a swan flew overhead and took the biggest bird crap iv’e ever seen on the lady sitting a few chairs down from me. Kinda looked like pesto, green, chunky and nasty. Poor lady had to finish her shift (5 more hours) with bird crap all over her shirt.

Owning a parrot, I have grown so used to bird shit that it has ceased to phase me anymore. I also am aware of how horribly disgusting this makes me sound.

spaceace, Spirit of ‘76 is a great movie! Olivia d’Abo was super hot, much nicer than they let her look on the Wonder Years! and I totally loved the Bay City Rollers on the parade at the end! S-A-TUR-DAY NIGHT! Great shit!

Awww, that sucks. I’m sorry to hear that happened. I’m also confused to hear it’s good luck. I’ve heard about lady bugs, crickets, and spiders, but bird shit? That’s kinda the opposite.

Has anyone else noticed the distinct absence of Mystie in here today? Perhaps she is working on another make-over project? Maybe…dare I hope…a Darth Vader? I mean come on, he could use a little color in his wardrobe!

I like the way you think, Cricket. Though, I’d like to see Masterpiece Megs get the treatment. Am I the only one who thinks of Vader when he gets reformatted into Galvatron? The framework of his head looks amazingly similar to Vader’s helmet.

Here’s to hoping Matt didn’t get too screwed by NYC’s crazy weather on Wednesday. Bad week continues I’m afraid.

I guess Matt is my token NYC friend. When I see a story about XTREME stuff going down there, I sometimes wonder if it’s ruining his shit and hope he writes something funny about it.

Ben, you rule! I’ve read your comment four times and each time, it sounds different. I don’t know how you do that but I think that is cool.

While we’re all thinking Matt back into existance here, what say we think our way into getting him to combine the Summer Megaparty, the Halloween Countdown and the Christmas buildup into a supermegamegamegaparty? That’d be 31 flavors of awesome.

Ooh I thought that might have been a dream. It’s been awhile since we got a shake like that.

I loved Snakes on a Plane. Of course, I waited to watch it on DVD. But it did live up to the hype.

I have never been a fan of “Dazed and Confused” It’s not actively bad or anything, just boring to me.

Just had a Chocolate/Vanilla Pop-Tart Splitz this morning. It was ok, but I still prefer the Smore flavor better. I toasted mine, but I’m beginning to prefer to put them in the freezer and just eating them cold. I think it intensifies the flavor. Sorta how I think cold/leftover pizza tastes better than warming it up the next day.

Pizza is better when you reheat it using the oven. The only problem is you have to eat fast otherwise the crust becomes cardboardeqsue.

I was watching Family Guy last night and it just so happens that the evil monkey in Chris’s closet was doing the end scene from Dazed and Confused with the headphones and the music. He added a blunt to his roll but the point was the same. I am starting to think that we are willing the Universe into doing what we talk about here on X-E.

Think about it…we talk about old 80’s movies that haven’t been seen since being archived with the Arc of the Covenant and suddenly they are playing on HBO. We start chatting up DaC and the monkey appears for me. What else can we will into being? Let’s dig deep here!

What else can we will into being?
Giant robots for everyone! Buffalo wings for breakfast! College credit for playing BurgerTime! Dancing girls and 25 cent cover charge! Free hot dogs and balloons for the kids!

An Ultimate Class Movie Jazz
Super Metroid onto the VC (I can’t play with a keyboard

)
Kingdom Hearts III on the Wii
A Tom Delonge that isn’t a total dick to Mark and Travis

Fun fact that I’ve probably mentioned before: Blink 182 played my junior prom (thanks to a contest at the local rock station). The following year the band was GREEN DAY, but we couldn’t pull off the win twice in a row

I don’t remember you mentioning that Squee. That would have been awesome. Though, if I had to pick a band to play a prom in specific, I’d have to pick Bowling for Soup.

The worst band to play a prom (or anywhere, really) would be Hawthorne Heights. Those not automatically driven to vacate the premises would not be in any state to have fun or romantic feelings

Bored…
So I’m at work and bored and, inspired by the bird shit entry, I decided to google the dirty words in X-E. Not surprisingly, Shit comes in number 1 on our countdown with a staggering 2100 hits! The results are below.
shit about 2,100
Damn about 1,790
Hell about 1,840
Fuck about 1,040
bitch about 492
I know that this method is not scientific because it will count blog comments and will only count pages one time even if they contain multiple uses of the aforementioned words. So nobody has to point that out. :-) Like I said, I was bored…

i didn’t read the above comments so i don’t know if this was mentioned, but i was under the impression that the summer mega party was continuing into august. come arm shit or high water. YOU’RE SLACKIN MATT, YOU HAVE A BINDING VERBAL(textual?) CONTRACT!

You know, once I was on the train going to school and I see this guy running to the train. As he reaches the doors a bird shits on his head. And it was GREEN. He stops, wipes his head with his hand, wipes his hand to a lightpost, and keeps running to the train.

Damn, my link got binned. Did anyone see the 7 foot Lego man that washed ashore in the Netherlands? I thought I was just really tired when I read it last night.

My posts are not working…either that or you are going to suddenly see many from me. If that is the case OOPS and SORRY!

Megallection: Original Transformers Boxed Collection Sold for $1,000,000 (275 figures from the 80’s.)

shit about 2,100
Damn about 1,790
Hell about 1,840
Fuck about 1,040
bitch about 492

I think the solution here is to increase usage of the word “Bitch.” Bitch, Bitch, Bitch.

Squee4242,
I think you once responded to a remark I made about being from SoCal. If that is the case, was it a KROQ contest that won Blink 182 for your prom? Incidentally, that was also where I heard about Dazed and Confused.

I’m convinced we single handedly willed The Monster Squad into finally coming out on DVD. Well, maybe not single handedly seeing as how there’s a whole bunch of us and that’s a whole bunch of hands…

I agree with dohopoki. As super jazzed and ready as I am for Halloween, I would like at least one or two more summer articles before we get into The Countdown.

Speaking of which, I thought the word on the street was there was an upcoming article on Battle Beasts. Did I read that right? And if so, is it true?

Matt and those other who live in NY and commute into the city, tomorrow might be a good day to take the day off. Other than getting poo’ed on this week like a Pigeon German Shizer video, we’re going to have another storm, so the subways and the bullshit transit “system” that is the LIRR should be an awesome mess once again. I hate the fucking NY MTA.

As I type this, Alton Brown is on the Food Network, teaching a man dressed like Wimpy from the Popeye cartoons how to make his own hamburgers.

Cricket That’s insane. I know you didn’t ask me, but I just finished buying a few of the Primes I’ve been missing. Except Beast Machines, I pretend that era didn’t happen.

I plan to setup a display with all the Primes and Megatrons of the past 20+ years on my shelves. I can’t wait to see what it looks like. Sorry for the double post.

the Gripp: Alton Brown is like the uncle we all wish we had when we were growing up. He would always have really good food on hand and he was not ashamed to use a water bottle with a dinosaur head.

I love Good Eats but I can never learn how to cook anything from that show. When Alton starts talking about molecular structure beakdown I give up.