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07/29/2007: Summer Megaparty: Donuts, Candle, Chef Mario and Storms.

We had to do a general apartment maintenance shopping run this morning, lest we spend another week using small, dainty grocery bags as garbage bags. On our way to Wal-Mart, I stopped by 7-11 in the hopes of completing my Simpsons Movie food collection with the only thing left on the checklist: That stupid pink donut.

FINALLY! And it was the last one, too. I could barely contain my excitement, but I certainly tried, because the last thing you want to do when you’re in the vicinity of total strangers is scream joyously over a gloppy pink donut. Even more grueling was the checkout line. We picked up a few other items, and I watched with horror as the cashier pulled, squeezed and threw my little donut baggie through the bowels of countertop hell, risking permanent damage to what is very clearly a collector’s item.

If you think this donut is for eating, you are incorrect. In fact, I’m looking for suggestions on how to best preserve it. A shellac brushing, maybe? I’ve learned my lesson from the many Ninja Turtles pudding pies of the past. This donut must be archived. It’s currently triple-bagged in the cheese drawer of our refrigerator, which contains absolutely no cheese, but if you’re in the market for 42,000 packets of soy sauce, I’m your enabler.

An Internet trade mag recently confirmed that the key to obtaining repeat website visits is by writing about scented candles, so here I am. We’re really digging these Febreze candles, not just because they help us forget about the thick air of cigarettes and cats that permeate every moment of our lives, but also because a lot of them smell like the holidays.

We thought it was a bit early to get one of the autumnny scents reminiscent of the Halloween season, so the obvious solution was to get a Christmas candle instead. “Apple Spice & Delight” may be apropos for anytime of year, but it smells like one of those faux wreaths sprayed to heck with cinnamon. Every time its sweet scent hits my face, I put a pillow under my shirt and blow audiences away with my Rosemary Clooney impression.

Our nearest Wal-Mart is next to our nearest Dollar Tree, and that situation is just too convenient to pass up on. There wasn’t a whole lot of one-buck goodness to be found on this latest excursion, save for what’s seen above: One of the strangest, stupidest toys in the history of playtime.

“Chef Mario’s Dining Disasters” is a collection of “playsets” including a tiny, flimsy toy dinner plate topped with sticky, stretch toy macaroni with various bugs and critters lurking within it. Uh huh. The bugs range from the cockroaches seen above to things so disgusting that I can’t bring myself to mention them in an entry that also includes such a palatable pink donut. It’d just be cruel.

While very clearly a cheapo dollar store toy of the highest order, it’s incredible to see how much Chef Mario put into his packaging. They did a real photo shoot and everything, and Mario looks a lot like Jimmy (pronounced JEE-me) from that old Polly-O String Cheese commercial. The back of the packages paint our friend as a rogue chef who has his own ideas of what constitutes as a “special ingredient,” meaning he’s less of an unkempt, dirty chef and more of a chef who actually thinks that rats and cockroaches improve spaghetti dishes. That’s so cool.

Remarkably, it would appear that these originally sold at prices far higher than a dollar. Amazon’s got ‘em with $9.99 price tags. It could be worth it, if only because you’d be able to cut out this this awesome picture of Chef Mario from the back of the package and glue it to your marble notebook cover. Way more edgy and fringe than some riff on an Obey Giant sticker, I think.

To wrap up this long and esoteric entry, I’d like to point out that it is fucking STORMING LIKE CRAZY here. POURING, STORMING, end-of-the-world level craziness. And I love it, I absolutely love it. The picture above was taken about 20 minutes before the storm hit; now, it’s as if some 7,000 foot tall deity was taking a piss directly onto our house. I’d be surprised if I’m able to post this entry before the blackout strikes.

There’s nothing better than a rainy Sunday, especially when you’ve got pink donuts, Christmas candles and bugs-in-macaroni to compliment the mood.

UPDATE: Looks like I challenged a higher power with my musings above. The power went out due to the storm around 1PM, and just came back on no more than five minutes ago. I was approximately thirty seconds away from posting this entry before we got zapped, too. I hate electricity.

I can’t tell you how thrilled I was to have the power go out ten seconds before I was about to post a longer-than-usual, earlier-than-usual entry.

I wish there was a Kwik-E-Mart/7-11 around here, so I could buy some Simpsons products. I guess I could try to make a pink donut, but it’s not the same. And it involves too much effort.

Yea today’s storm sucked…Don’t think there was a power outage but damn did that 30 second long thunder screw with my habitual sunday day long sleep fest. I dreamt I was a bowling pin that would be eternally bowled over…weird as hell. Totally would have went with the christmas scents as well hell it is still July…

Hey! First post. Not since the days of Coolio’s “Gangsta’s Paradise” have I felt so happy and cool.

I’ve never tried this but know of others who have and it worked. They make an item that cake bakery’s use for decorating that’s actually called food shalack. From what I remember, you spray it on and allow it to harden. Then take a can of spray polyurithane and spray a coat over the item. Do several coats and make sure it covers completely. Not sure if this will make it last forever, but I’ve seen it last for a frosted cake for at least two months; when we put it into storage it still looked brand new and the prop master swore it would be like that forever.

I TOTALLY bought that Chef Mario’s Dining Disasters for my friend as a birthday gag gift. Except it was the version with the rats.

WOW, that Chef Mario toy looks terrible! The Dollar Tree usually has good stuff, too.

Chef Mario…ahhhh…I saw some of those at Bartz’s (a party store in my neck of the woods) last Halloween at a crazy high price. Then I saw them at a Dollar Tree. It just reminds me of how close Halloween is, but how much of a new school year I must slog through to get to it. So when is the Countdown starting this year, Matt? Mid-September, hopefully?

“The plastic tips at the ends of shoelaces are called aglets. Their true purpose is sinister.” - The Question, Justice League Unlimited.

I see those Chef Mario’s dealies at dollar tree all the time. However, I refuse to buy them until they get more “rubber body parts in slime” in.
That empty carton has been sitting there for months, taunting me.

Hey Matt, (long time reader, 2nd time poster btw) do you accept stuff for review, like quirky stuff we might find at stores and such? If so, is there an address somewhere on the site? Theres a shop not too far from here that’s one of those places that’s PACKED with all kinds of odd crap. Just falling off the shelves, piled on the floor. Half of it’s piled in no real order and has no price tag. I saw some stuff in there the other day that would be right up your alley. Thought about putting together a “care package.”

I know this sounds crazy, but you can actually use those dainty grocery bags to make your own better than real Simpson’s Brand Pink Donout with little more than hot glue, paint, and sprinkles. Extensive DIY instructions can be found here:
http://www.instructables.com/id/EMI3ITUF4BI0BDU/
-complete with a tasteful pedestal and jelly oozing bite mark.

Man, I wish I could help you in the quest to make an ever lasting donut. I would just go to a Micheal’s if you have one. That’s a craft store if you don’t know. Unfortunately I do.

I am driving to Michigan on Thursday and I am really hoping to witness some cool storms on the way. It would certainly make driving for 23 hours straight a lot more interesting…

About three months ago, some hired goons were wandering around campus (ex-campus? I gradutated), handing out pink donuts to promote the 400th Simpsons episode. Maybe they were actually testing the popularity of pink donuts.

DJ D: Anything a reader is willing to donate to the cause is always very, very much appreciated. E-mail me if you think you have something I can use!

Kyle: That biosphere project looks like a winner. Maybe I’ll try it if we get another blackout tomorrow.

How can you not eat that doughnut! It looks delicious. You definately have more willpower than me. I suggest freezing it. You can freeze pretty much anything and it will retain it’s shape and color. Well, bread does anyway.

Has anyone else had the new Oreo Cakesters? They are soft snack cake versions of the cookie. Turns out they weren’t as great as I had hoped, but the thought of eating a soft Oreo really appealed to me.

Looks to me like Schjimi got tired of making Cheeses with Nuttin’. Hehe, that Polly-O cheese article is my second favorite one. The Hungry-Man Breakfast from Hell is my all-time fave, though. Click name for articule.

I could be wrong about this, but i think i read somewhere that while only so many 7-11’s would turn into kwik-e-marts, most of the regular 7-11’s would have at least some of the Simpson’s products too.
I haven’t been able to check it out myself, though.

xero: Totally correct. I didn’t drive all the way back to the NYC Kwik-E-Mart for the pink donut…came from a regular 7-11. The only differences are that you don’t get a Kwik-E-Mart sign on the outside, and there’s no big plastic standees inside. The products are at all 7-11s.

Oh that is funny. I’m the same way when I go to Micheal’s with my old lady. She goes to the….actually I don’t know where she goes, but I end up in the model section. Some day I might actually build one. Or at least buy one and sell it at a garage sale 15 years from now.

Man I wish those donuts were vegan - and I rarely ever get a craving for non-vegan stuff anymore. I think it’s that pink icing, luring me in.

Febreeze candles? I must get some. I got one of the air fresheners with dual scents, but haven’t opened it yet, but the scratch and sniff stickers smell awesome.

We had a downpour here at about 7pm, with a few nasty lightning strikes, but last night it was horrible! Our power went out for about an hour and a half, and of course, it was RIGHT after I got out of the shower. It wouldn’t have been so bad, but I was getting ready to go to work, so I ended up being an hour late.

I wonder what would happen if you left the donut out , or even in the fridge, long enough to dry out and then shellacked it. I doubt the things they put in donuts would get moldy, there’d have to be some sort of real food. If it was completely dried out, it might work. Whenever a dessert or pastry item is mentioned here, I get so very hungry. I never bring those things home, or my son would eat them all in one sitting. I actually live on top of a bakery, which helps if I ever have a craving after he’s asleep, but the darn thing is closed on sundays. Grrrrr.
When I go to Michael’s it’s for halloween or christmas decorations, or to tag along with one of my scrap-booking friends or sisters. And that whole thing sounds very time consuming.

It’s been storming like mad here lately too. No long term power outages yet though.

As with all major storms, I was working today. I don’t think I had any blackouts, but there were quite a few people buying candles and lanterns throughout my shift.

I may be going crazy but I’m thinking of starting a facebook soon. What is wrong with me?

Well only 1 month until the Halloween advertising starts, anyway. Wasn’t it around August last year?

It’s going to be tough this year to not get Halloweenish too early. I made the mistake already by going to the local seasonal store to get a sneak peek into what the Halloween products will be. This guarantees that I will be burned out by Oct. 15th. Pretty impressed with the Texas Chainsaw masks so far. I blogged the visit to share. What can I say, I’m a sharer.

I’m taking back my advice since it seemed to be so easily passed over…I even looked up some info on it and everything

Sorry, Shaunfu! Actually, your solution might work. I’m just hoping that it will still apply if I wanted to, say, keep the donut out on a shelf in a well-lit area for all of time.

Maybe you could do what Shaunfu suggested and seal the doughnut in a clear display box.

On preserving that donut, I would say let it get as stale as you can first, so it’ll be nice and firm. Then I would probably go with an epoxy coating — they sell the stuff at craft stores. I bought some one time that is designed to be poured over the item in question; something like the donut might take 2 coats (one top, one bottom.) Dipping it in wax might also work, though you might risk melting the frosting.
You would want to make sure it’s sealed up REALLY good though, whatever you use. Any air gets space inside the coating and the donut’ll act like it’s been looking into the Lost Ark. Or worse, attract bugs.

I still can’t find that damn cereal. We totally passed up a box early on in the craze because it had a dent and ever since then the entire city has been sold out

IAMYOU: I tried the chocolate version of Oreo Cakesters and loved them. I’ll have to try the regular version now.

About a month ago we had a big storm here that knocked out the power for the entire night. It happened on my little brother’s birthday and caused me to miss the last episode of Stargate SG1. Lately, it’s just been incredibly hot.

I live in California but most of my family is on the east coast, and the huge storms are always something I look forward to when I’m back there. Just as long as it’s not, like, a hurricane or anything. I was in Connecticut during a crazy storm last summer (I think it came at the end of the awful heat wave then) and it was like a nuclear war. We’re kind of in a drought now in CA, so I wouldn’t mind more summer storms like those occasionally.

And I guess it’s just the anti-commercial crank in me, but I for one hope the stores don’t start the whole Halloween madness at least until after Labor Day, just like I kinda think Santa should wait until after Thanksgiving. At the rate things are going, store displays will probably have him shaking hands with Freddy Krueger by 2020.

I’m sorry, Matt!! The first thing that went through my mind was “what flavor is that pink icing?” Maybe an airtight glass container? I’ve never preserved food with the intent of keeping it forever so I don’t know how to keep that thing in one piece and ant-free.

If anybody has been following the nation’s weather, you probably would have noticed that Houston is going through a near-Noah’s Ark and has been since June 1. In fact, if it wasn’t for the 37 straight days of rain (I did count) I would have thought God was trying to purge our unholy and muggy land of at least mosquitoes. That plan backfired, though, since those little devils are at an all time high.

NOOO joke, Ben. I’m so sick of this weather. I’m in Houston right now, but it’s just as bad in Austin where I’ve been the past couple months.

Invader Norbert- Do it! FACEBOOK is the best social website thingy I have ever joined. My friends and I don’t even e-mail anymore…everything is done via Facebook. That’s how we organize poker games, movie nights, share pics, etc.

Ben
I’m in Waco and it’s not so bad. God knows we needed (and still need) the rain. Humidity’s about the same as it always is here–it just stays a little cooler. And that’s a good thing. I feel for you Houston people, though…you’re getting drenched.

As for preserving that donut, there are products out on the market specifically aimed at doing just that. They probably can be found at your local craft store or even a nice bakery supply shop.
It’s only Mondy and I already can’t wait for the weekend! Saturday is my birthday and Virgin Fest is coming to Pimlico on Sunday and I’m gonna get to see the Smashing Pumpkins play!! I need this week to go by quickly!

I think your best bet would be to freeze dry the donut. That way you remove the moisture that would undoubtedly cause the mushification of said ‘nut.

I have seen freeze-drying used to preserve prize fish for mounting and to preserve a dead family pet for display (which is just plain creepy), so it should retain the shape and color of the donut. However, how to properly freeze-dry it yourself is beyond me. I’d suggest a commercial freeze-drying service, like these guys…
http://www.freeze-dry.com/products/custom.html
or a freeze-drying taxidermy service
http://www.taxidermy.net/suppliers/wholesalefreezedry.php

It may cost a few bucks, but it would likely yield the best and most permanent results. Plus, if it’s freeze-dried, the I think you could actually display the donut at room temperature, rather than keeping it in the freezer, which would ultimately only result in a donut covered in ice and frost.

Matt, your musings on scented candles have piqued my interest and have guaranteed a return visit!

So I have computer with no internets. for all of three minutes before the UPS kills everything.

I’m tempted to go to the 7-11 on the White Horse Pike and buy myself one of those pink donuts to cheer myself up…and I HATE donuts.

We were also hit by those massive storms Matt mentioned. Not only did we lose power for about a half-hour, but my phone now has no dial tone, and the idiots from the phone company somehow missed a storm louder than most rock concerts and can’t figure out how dispatch more than two people at a time. I won’t be getting my phone back until Wednesday morning…maybe, knowing the phone company. I’m royally ticked off about this. I live 10 minutes from two of the largest cities in the United States of America, and the phone companies are STILL this inefficient? I’m typing this at the closest library to me and will probably be kicked off any minute, seeing how I’ve been on for almost an hour and a half and the library ladies are antsy about people actually using their fancy computers.

Anybody know how long the Simpsons Kwik E Mart 7-11’s will last? I still haven’t checked out the one in Dallas yet and want to make sure to before it’s gone

My Wal-Mart has some Hallowe’en craft kits out, but the major stuff either isn’t here, or in the back waiting for the new quarter to start before I go on a Jack O’Lantern-fueled spree.

I was just in Dollar Tree this weekend, and the stretchghetti they had had worms as the critters. Somehow, I found it kind of depressing. So I bought a couple of Fairy Tale Police Department DVDs. Now, that’s some odd entertainment!

On the back of the Chef Mario package, near the bottom it says “The Chef Mario story”.
I am really curious as to what his story is. His origin.
I wonder if it is complete with his mission statement and everything. That would be interesting.

Since the last Hamburger Helper post, it has been bugging me that the claymation / CG glove is no more, but yesterday I saw the new Helper commercial. I think Betty Crocker is playing off the Walmart add, “With 15 kids and my husband on third shift we only have time and budget for Hamburger Helper.” At least at the end one of the 15 kids is wearing the Helper Glove.

dallasmovie: I’ve heard that the 7-11 stores will be converted back at the end of July. I don’t know how accurate this is, but I would go very soon if I were you. You could always give the place a call and ask them as well.

OK, off to the mailbox to see if my DVD copy of Monster Squad has arrived. *fingers crossed*

MATT if your looking for more Simpsons movie products head to Burger King. BKs got Butterfinger pie,Kang and Kudos plastic cups and of course toys.

My cat ate some fake spaghetti like that once. Let’s just say manual removal and strange sounds were envolved.

Matt, you’re such a tease! You showed the cool pic of Chef Mario but only showed an inkling of “The Chef Mario Story” which was slightly in the pic at the bottom! I must know his deal! I MUST!!

Holy hell I am bored as all get out…it is days like this that make me wish I had a real job

I went to the Orlando kwickie-mart yesterday. Not only was it sold out of the squishee cups, krusty-o’s, and buzz cola but it was also missing the “vote quimby” sign. That was really upsetting. I did get 2 pink donuts and a special comic book available only at the quickie-marts. still dissapointing

Pretty sure someone tossed them yesterday in a sweep of the kitchen :(, but my Simpsons doughnuts were holding up pretty well after a couple of weeks, if that helps at all.

Matt, I may be reaching too far back here, but are you still selling X-E Mystery Boxes, or whatever they were called? I was thinking about donating to the cause, and getting some random X-E crap in return sounded like a deal I couldn’t pass up (especially after I saw the various TransFormers you had thrown into those boxes (hint hint hint

). I checked the old sales pitch, and you made a special point of the fact that you would never run out of things to mail, but I didn’t know if that had changed.

Chris: I’m not currently selling them, but I may in the future. (After I clean out the office!) However, I may sell a couple of other things in the near future.

Kinglash, that is the most bizarre thing I have ever seen. I thought it was Photoshopped; I had to Google “dumbo octopus” and see all the other photos online before I believed it was real. And the xenophyophore - TOO cool.

Aw man, I miss getting those Ninja Turtle chocolate pudding pies at the Wonder Bakery Thrift Shop in the scary part of town. Mmmm, day old bread..

I’m glad that you’re getting rain over there. We’re finally getting a little overcast here in Nevada. First time all year dammit.

So, how are you gonna preserve your Krusty O’s and Buzz cola? I’ve got a batch from the Kwik E Mart the other week and I don’t know how to stop it from fermenting!(http://pradoster.blogspot.com/2007/07/who-needs-kwik-e-mart-i-dooooooo.html)

Oh! Don’t forget the special movie-edition spoon-straws! I keep grabbing them whenever I’m in there. I asked the counter-dude ‘is there a limit’ and the dude says ‘dude, you can take the whole box, man.’

First, let me share a little about the Chef Mario “toy”. I used to work at a toy store within an undisclosed amusement park. Apparently we sold the fake spaghetti to a customer with a mentally challenged child who ate it! It’s a lawsuit waiting to happen.

Secondly, I love this website. It makes me remember my childhood so much I can practically smell it. Just knowing that you relish the Ecto cooler as much as you do, makes me feel like my cherished memories and past have not been lost.

BTW, are you going to eat another of those pink sprinkled donuts? That way, you can at least let the donut become a part of you, FOREVER.

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