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Summer Megaparty: Make My Monsters Grow MORE THAN THIS!

Note: I've decided to extend the Megaparty into the month of August, partly because I skipped some days but mostly because I'm just digging doing it and will probably be more likely to keep doing it if I say I will. So, let's continue the party!

It's time to see the results from the Grow-A-Toy experiment from a few posts back. Are you amped?


I'm putting cotton in my cheeks so I can sound more like Sean Connery when I say, "I'm waiting to be impressed." I'm pretty bad at judging mass, but does that seem like a 600% increase in size to you? To provide some sense of scale, I've included one of those cute little animal statues Tetley Tea used to give out for no apparent reason.

Bumble fared a lot better than Kong, but as expected, the finely detailed features seen in his small, dry form were almost totally eradicated by the rapid, soaking growth. If Tootsie made vanilla Toosie Pops, his head is what one of them would look like just before the bite that brings us to the chewy center.

Kong is just a mess. If a dog took a shit and it looked like that, I'd be impressed at the Kong similarities. But since it's supposed to look like King Kong, I'm left wondering why it looks like dog shit. All of his detailing is gone. The only silver lining is that, if you turn him sideways, he kind of looks like a black goldfish speeding away with a stolen money bag.


Even if they aren't pretty, I'm still hoping that Kong and Bumble just need a little more time to realize the incredible size advertised on their packages. They're back in the water now, but I need them to hurry the fuck up, as they're keeping us from any opportunity to make a pitcher of iced tea. Perhaps I should've chosen different items to use as Grow-A-Toy tanks?

Posted by Matt on 07/26/2007. E-mail me!



Discussion Thread: 91 comments

I don’t want to think about chicken while looking at that hideous mutation of King Kong! I mean what the FUCK?! I had some of these things when I was a kid, and some of them disappointed me, but they never made me question my sanity like this thing that should not be!

Chestnuts roasted by Bludge @ 07/27/2007 3:01 AM

I swear on my life that where I work I’ve seen someone with the license plate “KHAAAN”

Chestnuts roasted by Scorpion @ 07/27/2007 5:43 AM

Just wanted to say that I think it’s great that you’re continuing the Summer Megaparty into August. I don’t usually comment because I get discouraged by the always high comment count, but I read and appreciate all the blogs and articles. I also appreciate your quoting a Connery line from LXG. I haven’t thought about that movie in forever, but I quoted that line constantly back in the day. And thirdly, I appreciate your inclusion of that statuette in the pictures for scale. However, I must take issue with the fact that I have no idea how big the statuette is.

Chestnuts roasted by Diego @ 07/27/2007 6:50 AM

I have one of these “growing things”. Can’t remember the brand it was, but anyways, my lizard really grew
really big and it looked like a lizard (with painted parts and such.

Chestnuts roasted by Slimm @ 07/27/2007 6:51 AM

OK, water grow toys.

Such toys consist of a hydrophobic (inside) and hydrophyllic (inside) polymer.

The inside absorbs the water whilst the outside does not to retain the shape. The water moves in over concentration gradients. Impurities in the water reduce flow in and can result in flow out (adding salt to the water will make the toys shrink). So if you water is bad you may want to use the distilled water. It is also recommended to change the water everyday initially.

It is not recommended to use hot water. Use the room temperature water. Hot or boiling water can cause the “toys” to fall apart. That is never a good thing.

Chestnuts roasted by yup, jeff. well, the jeff. @ 07/27/2007 7:16 AM

The outside consists of a hydrophobic structure retaining polymer.

The inside is hydrophyllic. Absorbing much water.

The More You Know!

Chestnuts roasted by jeff made a mistake. @ 07/27/2007 7:19 AM

I submit that the corporate leadership of Valve Software should be executed for treason against these United States. Proof to follow.

As you know, several industries–including video games, movies, old television shows on DVD, and a wide range of shiny objects with knobs on–rely on a highly specific demographic to generate a disproportionate fraction of their revenue. This group of people, consisting largely of American males between the ages of eighteen and thirty and skewing heavily towards college students and young professionals, is known among these industries as Generation E, for their strong connection with the internet and e-business. In game theory calculations, they are always represented by the variable e.

Now, the reason Generation E is valued above their female demographic counterparts is because their purchasing behavior is governed by a few very simple equations. At its heart, the study of e dynamics deals with the variables w=want and s=sloth. W is acted upon by a few outside variables, including how impressive it will be to members of the opposite sex, hXc where X is the likely vector of the influence.

Simply put, where the value of w exceeds s, the subject gets off the couch, drives across town, and purchases a nonessential good or service. This domain is bounded by the outside variable of how much money e currently possesses, but this is not a sliding scale so much as a hard cap. w remains constant whether cm=$40 or $400, right up to the point of complete destitution. This is important for later, so make a note of it.

In the normal course of things, w and s tend to balance each other out so that when e visits the grocery store, he has some money left over. Note that e will never budget money for food ahead of time, but if cm exceeds the ramen quotient (the amount of money needed to purchase a flat of ramen noodles, ~R) he will generally purchase some frozen pizzas, canned pasta, or–if he is trying to impress a hot vegan chick, hVc–possibly even fresh produce. This provides enough sporadic nutrition to keep them alive and mostly functional.

Now. The introduction of a stable and reasonably stocked digital delivery service for PC games, Valve’s Steam platform, threatens to disturb this delicate balance. For a long time, it was thought that the long download times would invoke s as readily as the drive across town to the store. However, these assumptions failed to take into account the trouser phenomenon ΘT which states that given two similar activities, e is always more likely to choose the one which doesn’t involve putting on trousers. For more information, see my earlier paper, “ΘT Transformations in Personal Game Theory: The Trouble With Trousers.” In addition, most members of Generation E have broadband connections far better than the national average. Again, see my earlier paper, “The Role of Bandwidth in the Existential Well-Being of Young Men: Baud, e, and Soul.”

These two factors combine to inflate w and depress s to the point where Generation E is spending an unprecedented amount of time below the Ramen Quotient. Here is the unsettling prediction which my calculations point to:

Within the decade, Japan will invade us with their mechanical legions of doom (see: “Implications of Militaristic, Nationalistic, and Technological Trends in 21st Century Japan: The Gaijin’s Guide to the Robot Apocalypse”). Just at the point where we need a massive number of young, able-bodied males to throw beneath the blood-slick treads of an unstoppable flood of pitiless killing machines, we will find that the majority of Generation E are either dead or incapacitated by ramen-induced scurvy. America will lose the coming war due to a lack of manpower, and it is all Valve’s fault.

…

So, uh, I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m currently downloading the new Civ IV expansion, so if you don’t see me for a couple of weeks it’s because that skinny bastard Ghandi is giving me guff again. You understand, I daresay.

Chestnuts roasted by Jedoc @ 07/27/2007 7:50 AM

The August Megaprty is back? Happy Day!

And please don’t tell me I’m the only X-Er that saw The Simpsons Movie already? I thought it was utterly fantastic, and well worth the wait. I’m going to see it again, possible tonight.

Good story about last night, as my friend was driving me & the gf back home, he gets pulled over by a cop. Wow. It was because his rear lights were out, but it was still embarassing, but it left us all in a bummer the rest of the trip back. I sure hope he’s ok now.

Chestnuts roasted by Invader Norbert @ 07/27/2007 8:41 AM

Sorry to back-track, but I saw a post from someone (sorry- can’t remember who, but thank you!) Tuesday that The Monster Squad was being released… so I zipped over to Amazon and had it in hands Wednesday afternoon! It is as good as I remember it… I have to admit my new favorite line is “This is too hard… we should be firefighters.” Just hit me the right way.

Chestnuts roasted by Heather @ 07/27/2007 8:46 AM

Just out of curiosity, what do those things feel like?? Bumble looks almost like a stuffed animal…Kong, however, not so much…

YAY to extending the megaparty…I must admit that I feel almost spoiled by the abundance of X-E goodness… :-)

Chestnuts roasted by Mary Mary @ 07/27/2007 8:51 AM

Matt, I thought it was Red Rose tea that had those figurines in them. I just remember how we had an army of those figurines all over the house. I remember my mom seeing them at some craft sale and someone was selling them for $2 each.

Chestnuts roasted by Fensty @ 07/27/2007 8:57 AM

Yeah it was definitely Red Rose that had those little figurines, I know because I used to make my Mom buy Red Rose specifically so that I could get them. I know, I know, it’s sad. Sadder still is that I probably still have a whole pile of them somewhere… bummer about King Kong though.

Chestnuts roasted by Kendra @ 07/27/2007 9:17 AM

That Bumble looks like he would be delicious.

Chestnuts roasted by Toffeecake @ 07/27/2007 9:43 AM

hannah (bill’s cousin) – most of that is fine. But they have ducktales on dvd, I think. Not watching that is inexcusable, and welcome!

Chestnuts roasted by kb @ 07/27/2007 9:47 AM

That Kong reminds me of this game I used to have called Grape Escape. It was similar to Mouse Trap, except you molded your game pieces from Play-Doh using this mold that made little grape people. Then you went through the game, which had various obstacles that never worked exactly right, like scissors that would cut your little grape dude in half. Obviously if that happened you were out of the game. It wasn’t that fun except for the carnage factor, but it was pretty cool to be able to literally destroy your opponents.

Anyway, the King Kong reminded me of a mutilated grape man.

Chestnuts roasted by jazzy @ 07/27/2007 10:22 AM

Kong is just a mess. If a dog took a shit and it looked like that, I’d be impressed at the Kong similarities. But since it’s supposed to look like King Kong, I’m left wondering why it looks like dog shit.

LOL, I needed a good laugh. Coughing up green shit and having a sore throat… who the fuck gets sick in July!?!? This sucks.

Chestnuts roasted by Double G @ 07/27/2007 10:28 AM

1. Ohhh nooo! I’m falling behind on this stuff.

2. I just walked into the bathroom at work to find Christmas “glistening snow” air freshener. Is it Christmas yet?

Chestnuts roasted by Katherine @ 07/27/2007 10:58 AM

Hooray Christmas in July…which brought up an image of reindeer eating power pellets…that were on trees…

I have a feeling this is the only place that has people who know what the hell I am talking about

Chestnuts roasted by Danny J @ 07/27/2007 11:02 AM

On the 25th, XM turned on one of their holiday channels for the day to celebrate Christmas in July. I’m bummed because I forgot. :(

Diego, I had the same complaint. I have no clue how big that statue is. I’m glad someone else said something. I was afraid that it was one of those things everyone knew about but me. I’m sorry! We always bought Luzianne in the box of family-sized bags!

Jedoc, that was brilliant.

Chestnuts roasted by Lori @ 07/27/2007 11:13 AM

Poor Kong. The only Grow-A-Whatever I’ve ever got that worked was the year my mother sent me a Grow-A-Date for Valentine’s Day with a note saying “I want a grandkid.” My mom’s way twisted.

As for Star Trek, one of my best friends in college used to get me liquored up and then put Star Trek movies on, knowing it was the only way I’d agree to watch them. I always felt violated after it happened. But she just grinned and smoke a cigarette.

Chestnuts roasted by Lemur @ 07/27/2007 11:22 AM

I was thinking that Bumble kind of looked like a marshmallow Peep.

I’m pretty sure we got our figurines from Tetley, since I had never heard of Red Rose until moving to the East coast seven years ago.

Matt, your rhino (is that what it is?) reminded me of this one we had… We had a blue squirrel figure that wouldn’t go away. I know we had others, but they all vanished into some tiny ceramic vortex, leaving the blue squirrel behind I guess. It was kind of odd, because just when we figured it was completely lost, someone would say “What ever happened to…” and it would show up again within a couple of days. I wouldn’t be surprised if my dad sends it to me now that I have said something about it.

Chestnuts roasted by Heather @ 07/27/2007 11:51 AM

I’m making maps of the best places for ice and snacks, and Energon refueling points, Kneg. Because it’s not a PAR-TAY until something gets broken, I know a couple of large houses that can have lifting engines attached quickly, just in case. Warm up those cocktail weiners, this shindig’s about to get off the ground! And Disaster Area is on the stereo!

Meanthewhiles, a humble tip of the brain pan to the Mighty Mighty Master of Malarkey, Jedoc. Were that I was as good with the buzzwords, I might have actually gone to college. But didn’t Japan introduce the world to Ramen? Unless that’s part of the overall plan….

Chestnuts roasted by kingklash vs the pirates of the carob beans @ 07/27/2007 12:14 PM

Wow, Kong looks worse than dog S**. Hopefully he improves

Chestnuts roasted by Gizmo @ 07/27/2007 12:57 PM

Sweet! There is another Bill….from Dawsonville!…and he is awesome. I used to have an apartment in Dawsonville, GA way back before the turn of the millennium. Small world.

I made my cousin explain what is wrong with kids today on here. Sorry about that folks.

As for Kong, looks like someone is allergic to shellfish!

Chestnuts roasted by Bill @ 07/27/2007 1:37 PM

possible new He-Man line from Mattel shown at SDCC:

http://i163.photobucket.com/albums/t310/slayalive/Pictures154.jpg

Chestnuts roasted by Double G @ 07/27/2007 2:05 PM

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