Note: I’ve decided to extend the Megaparty into the month of August, partly because I skipped some days but mostly because I’m just digging doing it and will probably be more likely to keep doing it if I say I will. So, let’s continue the party!
It’s time to see the results from the Grow-A-Toy experiment from a few posts back. Are you amped?
I’m putting cotton in my cheeks so I can sound more like Sean Connery when I say, “I’m waiting to be impressed.” I’m pretty bad at judging mass, but does that seem like a 600% increase in size to you? To provide some sense of scale, I’ve included one of those cute little animal statues Tetley Tea used to give out for no apparent reason.
Bumble fared a lot better than Kong, but as expected, the finely detailed features seen in his small, dry form were almost totally eradicated by the rapid, soaking growth. If Tootsie made vanilla Toosie Pops, his head is what one of them would look like just before the bite that brings us to the chewy center.
Kong is just a mess. If a dog took a shit and it looked like that, I’d be impressed at the Kong similarities. But since it’s supposed to look like King Kong, I’m left wondering why it looks like dog shit. All of his detailing is gone. The only silver lining is that, if you turn him sideways, he kind of looks like a black goldfish speeding away with a stolen money bag.
Even if they aren’t pretty, I’m still hoping that Kong and Bumble just need a little more time to realize the incredible size advertised on their packages. They’re back in the water now, but I need them to hurry the fuck up, as they’re keeping us from any opportunity to make a pitcher of iced tea. Perhaps I should’ve chosen different items to use as Grow-A-Toy tanks?
Posted by Matt. E-mail me!
Ghosted by 
I don’t want to think about chicken while looking at that hideous mutation of King Kong! I mean what the FUCK?! I had some of these things when I was a kid, and some of them disappointed me, but they never made me question my sanity like this thing that should not be!