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Summer Megaparty: Goodbye, Fair Cap’n.

You know, I hate to sound like a broken record about this stuff, especially because it's done with the right intentions. But come on...

"Limiting Ads of Junk Food to Children."

The basic gist of the story is that a whole load of food companies are altering or outright ending decades-spanning ad campaigns because kids are getting too fat by eating their stuff. And I understand the "epidemic," I really do. I've been to seminars via work where people have spoken at length about how true it is and about how it can't all be written off as "fanatical watchdogs getting their way," but to deprive the world of Cap'n Crunch commercials? I would rather every child on this planet be a perfectly round ball of sick than see them grow up in a society that disallows the continuing animated adventures of a pirate who maintains peace, prosperity and crunchiness against a horde of milky monsters with Scut Farkus eyeballs.

I'm not kidding: They're killing off Cap'n Crunch. He'll still be on the boxes, but without those commercials, he's only as good as that eyepatch-wearing seal on the generic brand's packaging.

Worse yet, the movement is now extending to the Internet. That was these companies' collective ace in the hole. To a degree, it didn't matter how much shit the TV-version of Sonny had to deal with, because he'd still be able to create virtual ball pits out of Cocoa Puffs online. What are kids going to do with their Sunday mornings if they're not getting codes on cereal boxes to enter online for a chance to play riffs on "Asteroids" with cereal pieces in place of comets? What, are they supposed to go outside? Come on.

Oh well. I'm not going to lose sleep over it, because finding out that there will be no more Cap'n Crunch commercials just ain't that important in the grand scheme of life. But I'm certainly glad to do my part to preserve the memories of what's now "what was."


With that in mind, click here to watch an old Peanut Butter Crunch commercial, starring our now-banned pal. Shed a tear. Eat celery.

Posted by Matt on 07/19/2007. E-mail me!



Discussion Thread: 138 comments

What I don’t understand about all this is, is that every single one of the advocates that preach that all our favorite cereals are bad for us grew up on either eating it or watching the commercials. By there own logic they should all be giant butterballs. Thing is there not and a lot of us aren’t.

Then there is the idea that TV execs are upset that we are not watching commercials via tivo and the like. I skip many a commercial now, do they think I’m more likely to stop and watch swifter or detergent ads more now? Hell no. Essentially all these companies have pulled there money for many a program the result is they are going to get even more pissy about it.
My guess this is all going to backlash in a ugly way at some point.

Chestnuts roasted by Wenthral @ 07/20/2007 11:30 AM

I didn’t know kids where going out and buying the cereal… I always thought that the parents were the ones that do the grocery shopping.

Chestnuts roasted by Dave C @ 07/20/2007 11:35 AM

This just hit me. No more Christmas Crunch or Christmas Fruity Pebbles commercials. Mother F#cker!

Chestnuts roasted by Bill @ 07/20/2007 11:49 AM

I haven’t seen a Cap’n commercial in like 5 years at least is this really that big of a deal?

Chestnuts roasted by theGripp @ 07/20/2007 12:07 PM

May I address the inverse? Ads for junk food that need to be booted. The ads, I mean, not the food. The cracked-out Starburst campaign, I think, are being written by people tapping into their nightmares. Singing rabbits, man-milk, kids falling to their death from rainbows, -the hell? Some of this stuff makes Quixno’s borrowing of the Songmonkeys from Rathergood.com seem more and more like a romp in a glen. Then, of course they had the “Man Raised by Wolves” thing going on after. I’m almost thinking Melting Grimace wasn’t such a bad thing after all.
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almost.

Chestnuts roasted by kingklash is also anticipating Hallowe'en @ 07/20/2007 12:31 PM

I feel sorry for most kids. They aren’t the ones driving themselves to McDonalds, or buying snack cakes and chips for school lunches. Parents today are having kids too young, and are working too much to compensate for the shitty capitalist realities of today- leaving kids too much time alone on the internet, and not enough time playing catch with Dad, or riding bikes with Mom.

Plus, I agree with Mystie- It was WAY more expensive to eat healthy. I have friends who are unable to buy meat and vegetables. Do you know how much a bag of apples are compared to a box of Little Debbies? It is easier, faster and cheaper to make a box of KD as opposed to cooking something from scratch that costs more.

Its a sad, scary world. I am so glad that I was a kid in the 80s.

Chestnuts roasted by Muppet Baby @ 07/20/2007 12:36 PM

Oh, fucking hell. If parents would just make their kids get off their asses once in a while, this wouldn’t even be an issue! Jesus, why don’t they use all this time and effort to maybe teach people how to be better parents instead of doing things like this?

Personally, I think people should have the option to go through parenting classes either when they first get married or when they’re expecting their first child. They have free marriage counseling, so why not do this too? It’d be a lot more productive in the long run.

Chestnuts roasted by Annette @ 07/20/2007 12:40 PM

This is going to be a long post, I can tell…

First of all, I have a question for you all. Do you think that kids aren’t as eager to go outside anymore because it’s not as kid friendly as it was? Today’s housing developments have little to no yards to play in (so they can cram more houses on the same real estate). The streets are so busy that it isn’t really safe to ride your bike. If I had a kid, I don’t know what I’d tell them to go outside and do.

Jessica Marie’s story is the perfect example of the parent crying foul. “If the kids see the bright colors and cartoon characters, that’s what they’ll want to eat.” Um…OK. Does that mean they get to? You know, I wanted all those sugary cereals too. Dad brought home Crispix, so we ate Crispix. Did nine year olds start doing the family shopping and I missed it? By the way, the reason I wanted sugary cereals had nothing to do with the mascots. I wanted them because they were fruity or chocolaty or were supposed to be like a whole bowl of tiny cookies. If putting the Sparkle Bear (or whatever he was) on Crest for Kids didn’t make kids want to brush their teeth, how can they think a similar mascot is responsible for making kids want junk food. In a case like this, it’s all about the product, not the merchandising.

I have to say, I still think eating healthier is more expensive. A trip down the “health food” aisle is a good example. But, that aside, I’ve had experience with this. I totally revamped our diet last year when we decided to start trying for a family. I started buying fresh ingredients and making everything from scratch using recipes from the AHA cookbook. Then, when I had to have the surgery/tests and the medical bills started piling up, I had to take some drastic measures for a while. I went back to Hamburger Helper, hot dogs, mac & cheese…all the cheap death foods. I more than cut my grocery bill in half by buying the sodium-filled, pre-packaged foods. Saying that eating healthier is cheaper because you’re not buying as many snacks isn’t a fair comparison. Another issue is that the healthier versions of regular products tend to only be sold in smaller containers (this isn’t always the case, but I see it frequently.) If I want reduced fat peanut butter, for example, I can’t buy the cost-effective big jar. I have to buy the small jar, the only size the “reduced fat” comes in. For families where every penny counts, that’s an issue.

By the way, in a carryover from the last post, here’s why I hate the 90′s. I started middle school in 1990, which essentially means I left my childhood in the 80′s. Once the last bit of the 80′s was rung out of the decade, it was all about grunge and punk and teenagers being depressed for no reason. Even when alternative came along, it wasn’t upbeat and optimistic. Everything about the 90′s reminds me of teenage angst. I guess my view is probably tainted by the age I was during the decade and my own personal experiences. There was some good music, but even the music tended to skew dark and depressing or loud and angry. Again, where was all the negative energy coming from? Well, there was also all that R&B coming into vogue that was sex, sex, sex, sex. Not my cup of tea. I hated middle school and high school and everything about the 90′s reminds me of trying to get through those years. Oh, and I agree the 00′s are way worse. I never claimed otherwise.

Whew! If you got this far, thanks for your time.

Chestnuts roasted by Lori @ 07/20/2007 12:40 PM

OK so we ban the Cap’n and our kids will not get fat? Whew…crisis averted. Now all we have to do is ban Disney animated movies like the Little Mermaid, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty and so on because those movies encourage teenage marriage. Some encourage teenage pregnancy to go along with that teenage marriage (i.e. The Little Mermaid sequel). Then while we are at it lets take down the Shrek empire for encouraging inter-species mating.

Oh the list goes on and on…let us cleanse the world of its many evils so we may all be pure and perfect in the eyes of the watch dogs once again. Thank you great watchers for pointing out the Cap’n as a great evil, how will we ever be able to thank you enough.

Where do I sign up for the video game burning session? nintendo – sega – microsoft…you are next!

Chestnuts roasted by Cricket @ 07/20/2007 12:41 PM

Psst….any word on Manimal, Mommymal or Minimal yet? I haven’t had a chance to get through the last post so forgive me if I missed it.

Chestnuts roasted by Cricket @ 07/20/2007 1:01 PM

This is a good thing! No more fat little kids running around screaming for sweet things because now —- they won’t know that they exist!
Hoooooray!!!

Chestnuts roasted by Richard Simmons @ 07/20/2007 1:32 PM

Kids have always liked to eat junk—whether you advertise that to them or not. It’s encoded in our DNA or something.

I think the bigger problem these days (versus when I grew up in the late 80′s-early 90′s) is that fewer and fewer kids get any exercise. I mean friends and I are our share of garbage and played lots of Bad Dudes and Super Mario 3 but we also got sick of that and rode bikes once in a while.
Getting plenty of exercise is more important than eating organic carrots.

Chestnuts roasted by Chris D. @ 07/20/2007 2:03 PM

“If the kids see the bright colors and cartoon characters, that’s what they’ll want to eat.” Um…OK. Does that mean they get to? You know, I wanted all those sugary cereals too. Dad brought home Crispix, so we ate Crispix. Did nine year olds start doing the family shopping and I missed it? By the way, the reason I wanted sugary cereals had nothing to do with the mascots. I wanted them because they were fruity or chocolaty or were supposed to be like a whole bowl of tiny cookies. If putting the Sparkle Bear (or whatever he was) on Crest for Kids didn’t make kids want to brush their teeth, how can they think a similar mascot is responsible for making kids want junk food. In a case like this, it’s all about the product, not the merchandising.

Lori, I’m not sure if you were talking about my post here, but if you were I would like to explain myself. I’m not saying it’s the bright colors and cartoon characters that make kids want the product, I’m talking about the advertising. Those commercials are designed to get kids attention, so they will remember it, and pester mom and dad to buy it. Many parents have to take their kids shopping with them because they have no one to watch them and its easy to give in a buy the stupid cereal or cookies to get them to stop crying. I personally would not take kids shopping but some parents don’t have that luxury. Once the parents buy them the product then the kids taste it and realize how sweet it is they want it more. If the advertising had not been there telling them how good it is, and how every kid should have it, they might not have known what it was in the first place.

Now a lot of blame belongs to the parents also. I never denied thst. However as I said before, if they marketed fruits and vegetables like this things would be a lot better. It’s not only a taste issue either, as there are tons of fruits that are naturally really sweet.

Chestnuts roasted by Todd @ 07/20/2007 2:04 PM

Cricket, Manimal showed up in the last thread with the good news. :)

Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 07/20/2007 2:09 PM

if they marketed fruits and vegetables like this things would be a lot better.
:eek: I propose a drawing contest to see who can draw the hippest, gnarliest and most radical mascot for fruits and vegetables ever.

Chestnuts roasted by dohopoki @ 07/20/2007 2:11 PM

Nick put SpongeBob and Dora on bags of carrots and raisins and things of that nature, and from what I understand, they sold quite well. So it’s totally doable, but I’d say more in a “supplementive” way.

Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 07/20/2007 2:13 PM

dohopoki I understand what you’re saying, but I’m not straw maning anything. Basically my point was that parents are responsible for what their kids watch AND eat. If you’re going to quote me, then quote the whole thing, it makes more sense. (Not trying to be rude, just saying it would have made my first tirade make more sense int he context of this blog post. =))

I find it ridiculous that they think banning kids cereal commercials is going to cut down on the amount of obese children. Like someone else said, the kids aren’t the ones with the job going out and doing the shopping, the parents are. Once again, it’s a parent’s responsibility to raise their kids, not TV’s and not the government’s.

I think that focusing on banning Cap’n Crunch should take a huge back seat to banning the real danger to a majority of the children in this. Namely, the crap that is readily available to them on TV and to some extent, the internet. If a child gets fat, that curable. However, once they see things on TV, and it’s indelibly imprinted in their minds, that’s a lot harder to shed than a few pounds.

Or maybe I’m just pissed that I’ll never see another Cap’n Crunch commercial. Who knows…?

Chestnuts roasted by Darth Galvatron @ 07/20/2007 2:36 PM

Blah blah blah, I miss Sugar Smacks. Honey Smacks be damned!

Chestnuts roasted by meepy @ 07/20/2007 2:45 PM

I really this commercial censorship is due to the hype by journalists who try to find stories that will alarm everyone into believing that Captain Crunch forces kids to become unhealthy. I’ve never seen an 8 year old go grocery shopping. It’s usually an 8 year old with their parent and it is their responsibility to say no and you are getting Fiberwood Yucks instead.
I feel the same way about Joe Camel. Kids start smoking to rebel or because their friends smoke, not because kids like cartoon camels. If anything that should repulse kids wanting to be cool or rebel.
I just love watching independent studies done by local news like “Is your cat molesting you while you sleep? The results may shock you. More at eleven.”

Chestnuts roasted by Bill @ 07/20/2007 2:49 PM

Yeah plus, what kid smokes Camels? Christ, I’ve been smoking forever and those things still bust my throat.

Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 07/20/2007 3:03 PM

mmmmmm….Turkish tabacco.
I admit, I quit smoking a few years ago and I am now one of those annoying F sticks that will bum a Marbro light after a few beers at the bar. I hate myself for that and all my smoking friends hate it 10 times worse. But…i usually pick up the bar tab so I don’t feel overly that bad.

Chestnuts roasted by Bill @ 07/20/2007 3:10 PM

This really pisses me off to no end. They’re eventually gonna kill off my beloved Halloween cereals and I’ll have no more Boo Berry. I can feel it coming, moving headlong toward my equally assured rage over the loss of Boo Berry, like two massive weather fronts about to collide.

But it gives me a great idea. Based on what I’m hearing in this post it will make a mint. Matt, as an industry insider, you’re the perfect person to help me market this.

I’m going to invent a cereal called “Gluco-Zapz!â„¢” It will contain all of the following ingredients: sugar, high-fructose corn syrup, honey, cereal-grade marshmallows shaped like ninja stars, Pop Rocks, and the full recommended daily allowance of every vitamin and mineral that does not taste like absolute shit. The point is, this stuff won’t just look cool, it’ll be delicious and surprisingly good for you (at least until the diabetes and tooth decay sets in). And most importantly of all, we will never advertise the health benefits of this cereal, NOT EVER. Kids don’t need to know Gluco-Zapz!â„¢ is good for them. That’ll be our little secret.

There will be four flavors of Gluco-Zapz!â„¢, each named after its mascot: Cinna-monsterâ„¢ Madness, RoboBerryâ„¢ Blitz, Choco-Pirateâ„¢ Attack, and Peanut Butter Reaperâ„¢. The marshmallows will, of course, be appropriately shaped and colored for each cereal; tan scythes and brown tombstones for Peanut Butter Reaperâ„¢, neon blue cogs and silver wrenches for RoboBerryâ„¢, you get the idea. Every cereal will have white marshmallow ghosts. Just ’cause.

Not only will the mascots appear in the television commercials, they’ll actually have their own TV series. “The Animated Adventures of Gluco-Zapz!â„¢” will be like the old Looney Tunes and Merry Melodies cartoons; you’ll never know who the star will be. Some shows will feature the never-ending quest of Choco-Pirateâ„¢ in the Haunted Choco-pelagoâ„¢, and his search for the cursed Chocolatiki Idolâ„¢, the one thing in the world that will help him defeat his most dreaded enemy, Captain Thiol of the Asparagus Armada. Some shows will feature team-ups, like the episode where RoboBerryâ„¢ and the Peanut Butter Reaperâ„¢ must put aside their differences in order to disarm Lord Vegan’s arugula-rocket before it destroys Earth. Other shows will feature the 600′ tall Cinna-monsterâ„¢ stomping through Cinn-cinn-ati, crushing skyscrapers and setting people on fire with his mega-hot cinna-breath, while our hero, the mysterious Cinna-Ninjaâ„¢, tries to save the day. That’s right, Cinna-monsterâ„¢ is a villain. What kind of breakfast cereal would have the king-sized, rock hard balls to make a villain its mascot? The answer to your question would be Gluco-Zapz!â„¢, my friends.

And our special edition cereals… oh, sweet lord in heaven, our special edition cereals will be fucking legendary. Gluco-Zapz!â„¢ Christmas and Halloween cereals will each be sold for a minimum of two months, one before and after the holiday is over. No kid will EVER miss getting a box of holiday Gluco-Zapz!. For Valentine’s Day we will put a special comic book in each box, in which we meet the love interest of each mascot. And every holiday will have its own special edition cereal, I don’t care how insignificant. Fucking Arbor Day will have a special marshmallow trees version of the cereal. Every box will be foil embossed and printed in neon colors. Some of them will have lenticular action scenes. And each box will feature a recipe so you can make some seriously weird shit with the cereal. Peanut Butter Reaperâ„¢ Seafood Enchiladas. RoboBerryâ„¢ Jalapeño Meatloaf. Choco-Pirateâ„¢ & Onion Muffins. Cinna-monsterâ„¢ Liver Melt. No one in their right minds will ever eat this stuff, but the recipes, complete with a photo of the dish, will be there nevertheless. Seriously, I’m gonna make these cereal boxes look so cool that you fuckers will volunteer to eat this stuff until you puke.

But the best part is the prizes. There will be a MINIMUM OF THREE PRIZES IN EVERY BOX. One will be a toy, one prize will be candy, and the third prize will light up, glow in the dark, make noises, and/or be spring-powered. Our 4th Of July box will include at least one miniature disposable lighter and a pack of Black Cats. Every Halloween box will have a full sized candy bar. Also, did you ever get a really cool CD-ROM or DVD in a box of cereal? Me either. Software is not a prize; if we ever give software away, it will be in addition to the prizes, not in lieu of one. I will permit no exceptions.

Every box of Gluco-Zapz!â„¢ will be a celebration of life and fun and being a kid. You will tell your grandchildren about Gluco-Zapz!. There’ll be poems and songs.

Chestnuts roasted by Chris @ 07/20/2007 3:29 PM

Todd, that comment wasn’t directly aimed at you, though I can see where you might think that. I must have been subconsciously remembering your post when I typed that sentence. Sorry about that.

You know, our generation had the benefit of marketed fruit. California Raisins, anyone? I say it’s time for a 20th reunion! :)

Chestnuts roasted by Todd @ 07/20/2007 4:28 PM

Oops! That wasn’t by Todd. That was by me. What’s wrong with me today?

Chestnuts roasted by Lori @ 07/20/2007 4:29 PM

I’ve talked about this subject before, and once again…I don’t like it.

They banned cigarette ads off TV, and no one smokes anymore, so I have low hopes for cereal.

(end sarcasm)

Anyway…Even though this “ban” is incredibly stupid on so many levels…A lot of the cereal commercials these days abdolutely suck.

Take Cap’n Crunch’s latest ads. Terrible. “Crunchtize Me” and some lame pirate? Not gonna happen. I doesn’t make me want to get some.

Chestnuts roasted by Invader Norbert @ 07/20/2007 4:40 PM

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