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07/19/2007: Summer Megaparty: Goodbye, Fair Cap’n.

You know, I hate to sound like a broken record about this stuff, especially because it’s done with the right intentions. But come on…

“Limiting Ads of Junk Food to Children.”

The basic gist of the story is that a whole load of food companies are altering or outright ending decades-spanning ad campaigns because kids are getting too fat by eating their stuff. And I understand the “epidemic,” I really do. I’ve been to seminars via work where people have spoken at length about how true it is and about how it can’t all be written off as “fanatical watchdogs getting their way,” but to deprive the world of Cap’n Crunch commercials? I would rather every child on this planet be a perfectly round ball of sick than see them grow up in a society that disallows the continuing animated adventures of a pirate who maintains peace, prosperity and crunchiness against a horde of milky monsters with Scut Farkus eyeballs.

I’m not kidding: They’re killing off Cap’n Crunch. He’ll still be on the boxes, but without those commercials, he’s only as good as that eyepatch-wearing seal on the generic brand’s packaging.

Worse yet, the movement is now extending to the Internet. That was these companies’ collective ace in the hole. To a degree, it didn’t matter how much shit the TV-version of Sonny had to deal with, because he’d still be able to create virtual ball pits out of Cocoa Puffs online. What are kids going to do with their Sunday mornings if they’re not getting codes on cereal boxes to enter online for a chance to play riffs on “Asteroids” with cereal pieces in place of comets? What, are they supposed to go outside? Come on.

Oh well. I’m not going to lose sleep over it, because finding out that there will be no more Cap’n Crunch commercials just ain’t that important in the grand scheme of life. But I’m certainly glad to do my part to preserve the memories of what’s now “what was.”


With that in mind, click here to watch an old Peanut Butter Crunch commercial, starring our now-banned pal. Shed a tear. Eat celery.


Posted by Matt. E-mail me!

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Discussion Thread: 138 comments

What I don’t understand about all this is, is that every single one of the advocates that preach that all our favorite cereals are bad for us grew up on either eating it or watching the commercials. By there own logic they should all be giant butterballs. Thing is there not and a lot of us aren’t.

Then there is the idea that TV execs are upset that we are not watching commercials via tivo and the like. I skip many a commercial now, do they think I’m more likely to stop and watch swifter or detergent ads more now? Hell no. Essentially all these companies have pulled there money for many a program the result is they are going to get even more pissy about it.
My guess this is all going to backlash in a ugly way at some point.

Ghosted by Wenthral @ 07/20/2007 11:30 AM EDT

I didn’t know kids where going out and buying the cereal… I always thought that the parents were the ones that do the grocery shopping.

Ghosted by Dave C @ 07/20/2007 11:35 AM EDT

This just hit me. No more Christmas Crunch or Christmas Fruity Pebbles commercials. Mother F#cker!

Ghosted by Bill @ 07/20/2007 11:49 AM EDT

I haven’t seen a Cap’n commercial in like 5 years at least is this really that big of a deal?

Ghosted by theGripp @ 07/20/2007 12:07 PM EDT

May I address the inverse? Ads for junk food that need to be booted. The ads, I mean, not the food. The cracked-out Starburst campaign, I think, are being written by people tapping into their nightmares. Singing rabbits, man-milk, kids falling to their death from rainbows, -the hell? Some of this stuff makes Quixno’s borrowing of the Songmonkeys from Rathergood.com seem more and more like a romp in a glen. Then, of course they had the “Man Raised by Wolves” thing going on after. I’m almost thinking Melting Grimace wasn’t such a bad thing after all.
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almost.

Ghosted by kingklash is also anticipating Hallowe'en @ 07/20/2007 12:31 PM EDT

I feel sorry for most kids. They aren’t the ones driving themselves to McDonalds, or buying snack cakes and chips for school lunches. Parents today are having kids too young, and are working too much to compensate for the shitty capitalist realities of today- leaving kids too much time alone on the internet, and not enough time playing catch with Dad, or riding bikes with Mom.

Plus, I agree with Mystie- It was WAY more expensive to eat healthy. I have friends who are unable to buy meat and vegetables. Do you know how much a bag of apples are compared to a box of Little Debbies? It is easier, faster and cheaper to make a box of KD as opposed to cooking something from scratch that costs more.

Its a sad, scary world. I am so glad that I was a kid in the 80s.

Ghosted by Muppet Baby @ 07/20/2007 12:36 PM EDT

Oh, fucking hell. If parents would just make their kids get off their asses once in a while, this wouldn’t even be an issue! Jesus, why don’t they use all this time and effort to maybe teach people how to be better parents instead of doing things like this?

Personally, I think people should have the option to go through parenting classes either when they first get married or when they’re expecting their first child. They have free marriage counseling, so why not do this too? It’d be a lot more productive in the long run.

Ghosted by Annette @ 07/20/2007 12:40 PM EDT

This is going to be a long post, I can tell…

First of all, I have a question for you all. Do you think that kids aren’t as eager to go outside anymore because it’s not as kid friendly as it was? Today’s housing developments have little to no yards to play in (so they can cram more houses on the same real estate). The streets are so busy that it isn’t really safe to ride your bike. If I had a kid, I don’t know what I’d tell them to go outside and do.

Jessica Marie’s story is the perfect example of the parent crying foul. “If the kids see the bright colors and cartoon characters, that’s what they’ll want to eat.” Um…OK. Does that mean they get to? You know, I wanted all those sugary cereals too. Dad brought home Crispix, so we ate Crispix. Did nine year olds start doing the family shopping and I missed it? By the way, the reason I wanted sugary cereals had nothing to do with the mascots. I wanted them because they were fruity or chocolaty or were supposed to be like a whole bowl of tiny cookies. If putting the Sparkle Bear (or whatever he was) on Crest for Kids didn’t make kids want to brush their teeth, how can they think a similar mascot is responsible for making kids want junk food. In a case like this, it’s all about the product, not the merchandising.

I have to say, I still think eating healthier is more expensive. A trip down the “health food” aisle is a good example. But, that aside, I’ve had experience with this. I totally revamped our diet last year when we decided to start trying for a family. I started buying fresh ingredients and making everything from scratch using recipes from the AHA cookbook. Then, when I had to have the surgery/tests and the medical bills started piling up, I had to take some drastic measures for a while. I went back to Hamburger Helper, hot dogs, mac & cheese…all the cheap death foods. I more than cut my grocery bill in half by buying the sodium-filled, pre-packaged foods. Saying that eating healthier is cheaper because you’re not buying as many snacks isn’t a fair comparison. Another issue is that the healthier versions of regular products tend to only be sold in smaller containers (this isn’t always the case, but I see it frequently.) If I want reduced fat peanut butter, for example, I can’t buy the cost-effective big jar. I have to buy the small jar, the only size the “reduced fat” comes in. For families where every penny counts, that’s an issue.

By the way, in a carryover from the last post, here’s why I hate the 90’s. I started middle school in 1990, which essentially means I left my childhood in the 80’s. Once the last bit of the 80’s was rung out of the decade, it was all about grunge and punk and teenagers being depressed for no reason. Even when alternative came along, it wasn’t upbeat and optimistic. Everything about the 90’s reminds me of teenage angst. I guess my view is probably tainted by the age I was during the decade and my own personal experiences. There was some good music, but even the music tended to skew dark and depressing or loud and angry. Again, where was all the negative energy coming from? Well, there was also all that R&B coming into vogue that was sex, sex, sex, sex. Not my cup of tea. I hated middle school and high school and everything about the 90’s reminds me of trying to get through those years. Oh, and I agree the 00’s are way worse. I never claimed otherwise.

Whew! If you got this far, thanks for your time.

Ghosted by Lori @ 07/20/2007 12:40 PM EDT

OK so we ban the Cap’n and our kids will not get fat? Whew…crisis averted. Now all we have to do is ban Disney animated movies like the Little Mermaid, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty and so on because those movies encourage teenage marriage. Some encourage teenage pregnancy to go along with that teenage marriage (i.e. The Little Mermaid sequel). Then while we are at it lets take down the Shrek empire for encouraging inter-species mating.

Oh the list goes on and on…let us cleanse the world of its many evils so we may all be pure and perfect in the eyes of the watch dogs once again. Thank you great watchers for pointing out the Cap’n as a great evil, how will we ever be able to thank you enough.

Where do I sign up for the video game burning session? nintendo – sega – microsoft…you are next!

Ghosted by Cricket @ 07/20/2007 12:41 PM EDT

Psst….any word on Manimal, Mommymal or Minimal yet? I haven’t had a chance to get through the last post so forgive me if I missed it.

Ghosted by Cricket @ 07/20/2007 1:01 PM EDT

This is a good thing! No more fat little kids running around screaming for sweet things because now —- they won’t know that they exist!
Hoooooray!!!

Ghosted by Richard Simmons @ 07/20/2007 1:32 PM EDT

Kids have always liked to eat junk—whether you advertise that to them or not. It’s encoded in our DNA or something.

I think the bigger problem these days (versus when I grew up in the late 80’s-early 90’s) is that fewer and fewer kids get any exercise. I mean friends and I are our share of garbage and played lots of Bad Dudes and Super Mario 3 but we also got sick of that and rode bikes once in a while.
Getting plenty of exercise is more important than eating organic carrots.

Ghosted by Chris D. @ 07/20/2007 2:03 PM EDT

“If the kids see the bright colors and cartoon characters, that’s what they’ll want to eat.” Um…OK. Does that mean they get to? You know, I wanted all those sugary cereals too. Dad brought home Crispix, so we ate Crispix. Did nine year olds start doing the family shopping and I missed it? By the way, the reason I wanted sugary cereals had nothing to do with the mascots. I wanted them because they were fruity or chocolaty or were supposed to be like a whole bowl of tiny cookies. If putting the Sparkle Bear (or whatever he was) on Crest for Kids didn’t make kids want to brush their teeth, how can they think a similar mascot is responsible for making kids want junk food. In a case like this, it’s all about the product, not the merchandising.

Lori, I’m not sure if you were talking about my post here, but if you were I would like to explain myself. I’m not saying it’s the bright colors and cartoon characters that make kids want the product, I’m talking about the advertising. Those commercials are designed to get kids attention, so they will remember it, and pester mom and dad to buy it. Many parents have to take their kids shopping with them because they have no one to watch them and its easy to give in a buy the stupid cereal or cookies to get them to stop crying. I personally would not take kids shopping but some parents don’t have that luxury. Once the parents buy them the product then the kids taste it and realize how sweet it is they want it more. If the advertising had not been there telling them how good it is, and how every kid should have it, they might not have known what it was in the first place.

Now a lot of blame belongs to the parents also. I never denied thst. However as I said before, if they marketed fruits and vegetables like this things would be a lot better. It’s not only a taste issue either, as there are tons of fruits that are naturally really sweet.

Ghosted by Todd @ 07/20/2007 2:04 PM EDT

Cricket, Manimal showed up in the last thread with the good news. :)

Ghosted by Matt @ 07/20/2007 2:09 PM EDT

if they marketed fruits and vegetables like this things would be a lot better.
:eek: I propose a drawing contest to see who can draw the hippest, gnarliest and most radical mascot for fruits and vegetables ever.

Ghosted by dohopoki @ 07/20/2007 2:11 PM EDT

Nick put SpongeBob and Dora on bags of carrots and raisins and things of that nature, and from what I understand, they sold quite well. So it’s totally doable, but I’d say more in a “supplementive” way.

Ghosted by Matt @ 07/20/2007 2:13 PM EDT

dohopoki I understand what you’re saying, but I’m not straw maning anything. Basically my point was that parents are responsible for what their kids watch AND eat. If you’re going to quote me, then quote the whole thing, it makes more sense. (Not trying to be rude, just saying it would have made my first tirade make more sense int he context of this blog post. =))

I find it ridiculous that they think banning kids cereal commercials is going to cut down on the amount of obese children. Like someone else said, the kids aren’t the ones with the job going out and doing the shopping, the parents are. Once again, it’s a parent’s responsibility to raise their kids, not TV’s and not the government’s.

I think that focusing on banning Cap’n Crunch should take a huge back seat to banning the real danger to a majority of the children in this. Namely, the crap that is readily available to them on TV and to some extent, the internet. If a child gets fat, that curable. However, once they see things on TV, and it’s indelibly imprinted in their minds, that’s a lot harder to shed than a few pounds.

Or maybe I’m just pissed that I’ll never see another Cap’n Crunch commercial. Who knows…?

Ghosted by Darth Galvatron @ 07/20/2007 2:36 PM EDT

Blah blah blah, I miss Sugar Smacks. Honey Smacks be damned!

Ghosted by meepy @ 07/20/2007 2:45 PM EDT

I really this commercial censorship is due to the hype by journalists who try to find stories that will alarm everyone into believing that Captain Crunch forces kids to become unhealthy. I’ve never seen an 8 year old go grocery shopping. It’s usually an 8 year old with their parent and it is their responsibility to say no and you are getting Fiberwood Yucks instead.
I feel the same way about Joe Camel. Kids start smoking to rebel or because their friends smoke, not because kids like cartoon camels. If anything that should repulse kids wanting to be cool or rebel.
I just love watching independent studies done by local news like “Is your cat molesting you while you sleep? The results may shock you. More at eleven.”

Ghosted by Bill @ 07/20/2007 2:49 PM EDT

Yeah plus, what kid smokes Camels? Christ, I’ve been smoking forever and those things still bust my throat.

Ghosted by Matt @ 07/20/2007 3:03 PM EDT

mmmmmm….Turkish tabacco.
I admit, I quit smoking a few years ago and I am now one of those annoying F sticks that will bum a Marbro light after a few beers at the bar. I hate myself for that and all my smoking friends hate it 10 times worse. But…i usually pick up the bar tab so I don’t feel overly that bad.

Ghosted by Bill @ 07/20/2007 3:10 PM EDT

This really pisses me off to no end. They’re eventually gonna kill off my beloved Halloween cereals and I’ll have no more Boo Berry. I can feel it coming, moving headlong toward my equally assured rage over the loss of Boo Berry, like two massive weather fronts about to collide.

But it gives me a great idea. Based on what I’m hearing in this post it will make a mint. Matt, as an industry insider, you’re the perfect person to help me market this.

I’m going to invent a cereal called “Gluco-Zapz!â„¢” It will contain all of the following ingredients: sugar, high-fructose corn syrup, honey, cereal-grade marshmallows shaped like ninja stars, Pop Rocks, and the full recommended daily allowance of every vitamin and mineral that does not taste like absolute shit. The point is, this stuff won’t just look cool, it’ll be delicious and surprisingly good for you (at least until the diabetes and tooth decay sets in). And most importantly of all, we will never advertise the health benefits of this cereal, NOT EVER. Kids don’t need to know Gluco-Zapz!â„¢ is good for them. That’ll be our little secret.

There will be four flavors of Gluco-Zapz!â„¢, each named after its mascot: Cinna-monsterâ„¢ Madness, RoboBerryâ„¢ Blitz, Choco-Pirateâ„¢ Attack, and Peanut Butter Reaperâ„¢. The marshmallows will, of course, be appropriately shaped and colored for each cereal; tan scythes and brown tombstones for Peanut Butter Reaperâ„¢, neon blue cogs and silver wrenches for RoboBerryâ„¢, you get the idea. Every cereal will have white marshmallow ghosts. Just ’cause.

Not only will the mascots appear in the television commercials, they’ll actually have their own TV series. “The Animated Adventures of Gluco-Zapz!â„¢” will be like the old Looney Tunes and Merry Melodies cartoons; you’ll never know who the star will be. Some shows will feature the never-ending quest of Choco-Pirateâ„¢ in the Haunted Choco-pelagoâ„¢, and his search for the cursed Chocolatiki Idolâ„¢, the one thing in the world that will help him defeat his most dreaded enemy, Captain Thiol of the Asparagus Armada. Some shows will feature team-ups, like the episode where RoboBerryâ„¢ and the Peanut Butter Reaperâ„¢ must put aside their differences in order to disarm Lord Vegan’s arugula-rocket before it destroys Earth. Other shows will feature the 600′ tall Cinna-monsterâ„¢ stomping through Cinn-cinn-ati, crushing skyscrapers and setting people on fire with his mega-hot cinna-breath, while our hero, the mysterious Cinna-Ninjaâ„¢, tries to save the day. That’s right, Cinna-monsterâ„¢ is a villain. What kind of breakfast cereal would have the king-sized, rock hard balls to make a villain its mascot? The answer to your question would be Gluco-Zapz!â„¢, my friends.

And our special edition cereals… oh, sweet lord in heaven, our special edition cereals will be fucking legendary. Gluco-Zapz!â„¢ Christmas and Halloween cereals will each be sold for a minimum of two months, one before and after the holiday is over. No kid will EVER miss getting a box of holiday Gluco-Zapz!. For Valentine’s Day we will put a special comic book in each box, in which we meet the love interest of each mascot. And every holiday will have its own special edition cereal, I don’t care how insignificant. Fucking Arbor Day will have a special marshmallow trees version of the cereal. Every box will be foil embossed and printed in neon colors. Some of them will have lenticular action scenes. And each box will feature a recipe so you can make some seriously weird shit with the cereal. Peanut Butter Reaperâ„¢ Seafood Enchiladas. RoboBerryâ„¢ Jalapeño Meatloaf. Choco-Pirateâ„¢ & Onion Muffins. Cinna-monsterâ„¢ Liver Melt. No one in their right minds will ever eat this stuff, but the recipes, complete with a photo of the dish, will be there nevertheless. Seriously, I’m gonna make these cereal boxes look so cool that you fuckers will volunteer to eat this stuff until you puke.

But the best part is the prizes. There will be a MINIMUM OF THREE PRIZES IN EVERY BOX. One will be a toy, one prize will be candy, and the third prize will light up, glow in the dark, make noises, and/or be spring-powered. Our 4th Of July box will include at least one miniature disposable lighter and a pack of Black Cats. Every Halloween box will have a full sized candy bar. Also, did you ever get a really cool CD-ROM or DVD in a box of cereal? Me either. Software is not a prize; if we ever give software away, it will be in addition to the prizes, not in lieu of one. I will permit no exceptions.

Every box of Gluco-Zapz!â„¢ will be a celebration of life and fun and being a kid. You will tell your grandchildren about Gluco-Zapz!. There’ll be poems and songs.

Ghosted by Chris @ 07/20/2007 3:29 PM EDT

Todd, that comment wasn’t directly aimed at you, though I can see where you might think that. I must have been subconsciously remembering your post when I typed that sentence. Sorry about that.

You know, our generation had the benefit of marketed fruit. California Raisins, anyone? I say it’s time for a 20th reunion! :)

Ghosted by Todd @ 07/20/2007 4:28 PM EDT

Oops! That wasn’t by Todd. That was by me. What’s wrong with me today?

Ghosted by Lori @ 07/20/2007 4:29 PM EDT

I’ve talked about this subject before, and once again…I don’t like it.

They banned cigarette ads off TV, and no one smokes anymore, so I have low hopes for cereal.

(end sarcasm)

Anyway…Even though this “ban” is incredibly stupid on so many levels…A lot of the cereal commercials these days abdolutely suck.

Take Cap’n Crunch’s latest ads. Terrible. “Crunchtize Me” and some lame pirate? Not gonna happen. I doesn’t make me want to get some.

Ghosted by Invader Norbert @ 07/20/2007 4:40 PM EDT

Darth Galvatron I only quoted you on what I was speaking of, which I felt was a straw man arguement because I’ve never heard a parent say “I’m okay with my kid being badly influenced by tv, video games, music, celebrities and the internet as long as they’re not fat, so I’m going to put all my efforts into only pushing food companies into not advertising towards my child.” which was how I took what you said. I meant no hostility and I’m on the side of bad parenting is the problem… at least to an extent.

X-E is just not a place where I want to debate when you get down to it.

Ghosted by dohopoki @ 07/20/2007 5:13 PM EDT

Norbert

I completely agree. It’s not like the Cap’n is leaving us. It’s just his lame half-assed cartoon commercials that are. And I for one praise God for that.

Ghosted by Cotter @ 07/20/2007 5:58 PM EDT

Lori, I’m not sure if you were talking about my post here, but if you were I would like to explain myself. I’m not saying it’s the bright colors and cartoon characters that make kids want the product, I’m talking about the advertising. Those commercials are designed to get kids attention, so they will remember it, and pester mom and dad to buy it. Many parents have to take their kids shopping with them because they have no one to watch them and its easy to give in a buy the stupid cereal or cookies to get them to stop crying. I personally would not take kids shopping but some parents don’t have that luxury. Once the parents buy them the product then the kids taste it and realize how sweet it is they want it more. If the advertising had not been there telling them how good it is, and how every kid should have it, they might not have known what it was in the first place.

Todd, From personal experience there was no buying things to shut us up. Early on, if we carried on, we were taken outside away from the other customers and laid into (verbally) that we do not act that way in public. There was no more carrying on, there was no more begging for toys or cereal. We sat there and shut up will mom went and bought the groceries.. that went for all 5 of us. It’s a lot earlier to shove a bribe down a kids throat than it is to teach them that, that is not the proper way to behave.

Ghosted by Double G @ 07/20/2007 6:01 PM EDT

not sure where my brain is today… but that should read “while mom…” and “easier to shove…”

Ghosted by Double G @ 07/20/2007 6:03 PM EDT

dohopoki No hostility felt, or taken. Hopefully I didn’t come off hostile to you, just the morons who make these decisions.

I just think that cereal is the last thing negatively affecting kids, and obese kids are ultimately the fault of the parents, for the most part, since they’re the ones buying the food.

Other than that, I think we all pretty much feel the same way about this piece of news, for the most extent. Which is kind of rare. I think that’s why I like coming here. =)

Ghosted by Darth Galvatron @ 07/20/2007 6:41 PM EDT

Looking at this article, it has become abundantly clear that General Mills and all those other companies that are voluntarily cutting back on advertising COULDN’T CARE LESS about children.

Think about it – shouldn’t ceasing child-targeted ads of a child-targeted cereal product be the equivalent of marketing suicide? General Mills is trying to send the message “We recognize that our product is horrible and we are trying to help kids stop buying it because we are a good company”. But really, what kind of screwed-up message is that? “Look Mr. Government! We are trying so hard of our own power to stop selling this horrible children’s food product to our target audience of children, but they just keep asking for it and their parents just keep buying it! Whatever are we to do? We’re really trying hard to keep kids from eating junk, but they keep eating the sugary artificially flavored food-stuff we make. Isn’t that weird?” In other words, killing the Captain is just part of a last ditch effort to keep the government from regulating the super-cheap and unhealthy corn-based, etc. products that go into the child-targeted foods by drawing attention to the ethical aspects of the child-targeted ad campaigns

Ghosted by Anonymous @ 07/21/2007 4:22 AM EDT

(continued from above… Sorry, I pressed send before I meant to…)

So, these companies looked at the monetary risk that having to changing their products (or having them forcibly discontinued because they are too high in dangerously unhealthy ingredients) because of new government regulations would have versus the financial impact of ceasing TV commercials with cartoon characters and opted for the latter.

In summary: IF YOUR SNACKS AND CEREALS FOR CHILDREN ARE SO BAD THAT YOU WANT US TO BELIEVE THAT YOU WILL VOLUNTARILY STOP TRYING TO SELL THEM TO YOUR TARGET AUDIENCE, CHANGE THE PRODUCT, NOT THE COMMERCIAL CHARACTERS!

Ghosted by Force Captain Adora @ 07/21/2007 4:33 AM EDT

So you’re saying they could’ve removed just a bit of the sugar in the cereal versus jettisoning the Cap’n; that he was just a sacrificial lamb to them? Interesting…

Ghosted by Andrew @ 07/22/2007 11:08 AM EDT

Adora: Remember that a lot of these foods have an unspoken but substantial teen-to-adult market. Many of us still go for the cereals we grew up on. While more people probably change out to something less sugary and colorful as much out of personal taste than health reasons, there’s still a nut to be had in things like Cap’n Crunch, even without the direct marketing to kids.

In the lobby of my work building is this little coffee shop that also sells quick breakfast and lunch meals for employees-in-a-rush. Among them are several small, prepackaged bowls of things like Trix and Lucky Charms. There are no kids in the building, so somebody else is eating that, too.

But to your general point, it’s still pretty nuts that food companies are being forced to treat their “wares” the same way Marlboro has to treat cigarettes.

Ghosted by Matt @ 07/22/2007 11:37 AM EDT

I am all rambley and non-pointed. I apologize in advance for the that.

As always we can count on good ol’ Chuck Klosterman for a bit of wisdon:

“[...] [H]ates the way they target children. This is intriguing, because I remember seeing thousands of ‘Just Say No’ advertisements when I was young, and those didn’t seem to take. All those ‘Got Milk?’ ads don’t seem to make people crazy for milk, either. Why is it that the only advertising campaigns that work seem to sell bad things that people actually desire? Isn’t that a weird coincidence?”

(”McDiculous” from Esquire, May 2004)

Children do not want these stupid cereals because the stupid poorly drawn pirate tells them to eat them. They want them because they are pretty much all sugar and have pretty colors. Kids are fucking stupid, but not that fucking stupid. They want things that they like. Kids like the fucking McDonalds and the fucking Cap’n Crunch. Sure it tastes like shit, but it is good tasting shit to some.

It does not matter how well “good” foods are marketed either. It comes down to taste. There is some appeal to certain cereals until the age of 7, but after that kids want what tastes good. Not celery or vegetable juice (which is loaded with salt) or any other “healthy” alternative. Even those fucking singing raisins sold more swag than food.

And as far as everything else goes these cereals are really not that bad. Look at the numbers on the box. Not too problematic. Kids should be out and about playing and shit. Not on the fucking internet playing capncrunch.com minigames. If only the world was not so scary with all the terrorisms and child abductions and murderers on the news (I was going to pun serial killer, but that is fucking hackish.)

The bigger issue here is that this is for childrens under the age of 12. Now I aint know ’bout you folks, but I at the age of 9 years old was not buying my own cereal or junk food. There was really no way I could. I could stop at the local shithole market and buy stuff if I had money. But I did not. I was fucking 10. I did not have a job or other source of income. My parents was buying the products. A lot of taste is learned behavior. Methinks that some lazy parents–who I am picturing as being quite rotund–want to cheap out and put the blame on someone else.

I guess that in the end this is just another example of my fun being ruined because some asshole will not explain to his or her 8 little moron offspring why junk food is meant to be only a small part of a person’s diet and why advertisements need to be viewed with a bit of [I do not know what word I wanted, so madlib this one].

There is also an issue if one does go the route of using popular characters to sell “healthier” items as one is not really educating healthy lifestyle choices but exploiting blind consumption. You know, like I am buying…oh… Ninja Turtles celery because I am loyal to the characters and branded shit not because I want a lower calorie foodstuff.

You have also got to keep in mind that children’s cereals are a very competitive market–worse is that all cereals are pretty much the same (compare energy and nutrition content). Last time I was at the grocer there was an entire aisle of cereal products there for me to choose. Advertising is one way of developing interest in the product. Of course it is not a way to guarantee a customer if they do not like the product, but even I–an educated consumer–have purchased things for which I have viewed ads.

I am all rambley and non-pointed. I apologize for that. Again.

Ghosted by the jeff. @ 07/22/2007 7:49 PM EDT

Your right! I haven’t seen a silly rabbit or a captain crunch on my television screen in god knows how fucking long!

It makes me rather sad =’[ to think that these insanely awesome characters that made breakfast so fun and exciting, are practically gone from pop culture. Sure, as you said, these characters are still advertised on the boxes of cereal, but it’s totally not the same deal.

I want to watch kids chase a little Irish dude for lucky charms! I want to see silly rabbit one day finally get to eat his Trix; I need to see that rainbow beaked bird eat some more cereal!!

THIS IS MADNESS.

Ghosted by Victoria @ 07/22/2007 11:35 PM EDT

it’s quite simple. captain crunch doesn’t make people obese. laziness makes them obese. i’ve never been this outraged since they got rid of Back to the Future at universal orlando

Ghosted by Steven @ 07/23/2007 5:37 PM EDT

I’m on your sides. On one hand, I’ve long thought my mother babied my brother way too much. (He wasn’t allowed out on his own until he was in his teens…which wasn’t true for me or my sisters.)

On the other hand, my brother is lucky my mom is a) one of the least-lazy people on the planet, and b) a health-food freak who has always encouraged her children to eat well and play lots of sports. She studied nutrition when she taught aerobics during the 80s, and a lot of it stuck. My brother plays football, has played soccer and baseball in the past, and is considering lacrosse…AND is a video game fanatic. He regularly works out in his school gym and is more stacked than some guys twice his age, yet still eats pizza and Doritos with his buddies like any normal 14-year-old.

My mom can be a pain about a lot of things (she’s nagged me about my weight problems since I was nine), but some of her suggestions do make sense. I’ve tried to keep as many fresh fruits and veggies in my apartment as my budget and the season allows, and I buy from a farm market ten minutes away whenever I can during the late spring, summer, and fall. (Not only are they cheaper, but they taste better, too.) Cookies are my addiction, so I try to buy ones that are genuinely low in fat and sugar, like Fig Newtons or the hard gingersnaps many stores sell in the late summer and fall. I love to bake and have been working on ways to eliminate fat and sugar in my cakes and cookies without sacrificing taste. (A tip – applesauce does wonders in replacing shortening and makes cakes moist, too. Also try yogurt.)

Even with a busier schedule than my mom or me, it’s not that hard for parents and children to fit in some exercise. Go for a walk around the block or to a local playground. If you have a backyard, park, or even a vacant lot handy, play catch. Even 10 minutes will work wonders.

Let your kids indulge their cravings…in moderation. Don’t give in when they ask for more than they need. (This goes for adults, too – it’s something I’ve been working on myself lately.)

Blaming the media is taking the easy way out. People ought to look at their own habits, not cartoon characters. I didn’t buy candy bars or make fattening cookies because a cartoon character told me so, I did it because I’d done it all my life, and it was a habit.

But habits can be broken…if the person wants to break them.

Ghosted by starwenn @ 07/27/2007 9:57 PM EDT

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