Today is Friday the 13th. You better watch some you-know-what movies tonight. I’ll kill you if you don’t. Thankfully, AMC continues its development into “old faithful” with this awesome lineup going into the wee hours:

• 10:30 PM Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood
• 12:15 AM: Friday the 13th Part III
• 2:15 AM Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (Again?)

Not a bad run, but I stand by my recommendation of Parts 2-4 as the a newbie’s best introduction to the Land of Voorhees. If you’ve passed on anything starring Jason in the past out of a mere apathy for slasher movies, I should remind you that I’m a hardcore fan and really couldn’t care less about that aspect of the films. Beyond the dated scripts and bad acting, you’ll find kids having the kind of lawless, awesome vacations you’ve always pined for. The fact that this monster in a hockey mask rips their kidneys out just when they’re starting to get boring is just the cherry on top.

You’ll see what I mean if you give AMC’s mini-marathon a run — and if you do, set yourself up right. Go out, by a six-pack. Buy junk food. Not just “junk food” in spirit, but real junk food. I’m talking Cheetos, and old school Ruffles with that shitty onion dip that you haven’t had since birth. Drink and eat enough of the aforementioned items until you’re such a sad sack that any inkling of getting up to do something more productive with your Friday night dissipates.

Dim the lights, and if there’s enough of a breeze, crack the windows. Even if you do crack the windows, continue running the air conditioner. Hell, bring out the fans too — and make sure your face is one of the places their collective wind will hit while oscillating. Make it cold enough to warrant a throw blanket, because Friday the 13th movies are better with blankets.

Grab magazines. Doodle pads and pencils, too. Maybe even your laptop, since I’m hoping that the thread for this entry will be filled with people watching the marathon and gushing about it. F13 movies are to be watched, yes, but they’re also perfect as background noise. Do some light fluffy reading. Draw. Make little creatures out of clay. Just make sure you’re doing all that stuff from the couch, and make sure you’ve got a free hand for the fifteenth bag of Cheetos.

Don’t go to bed, either. You probably won’t make it through three F13 movies, but don’t go to bed. Wallow in your filth. Sleep on that couch, full of crumbs and books. If you smoke, I want half of those empty (or 90% empty) beer bottles to end up as filthy, disgusting ashtrays. Doesn’t this sound like a great night?

And, of course, soak in the films. They aren’t masterpieces. They were never designed to be. But even at their worst, they’re films that bring out a zillion feelings worth feeling — everything from love to lust, hope and hopelessness, ambiguity and the inevitable.

Oh, and you might just find out that Jason is pretty great, too. He really is. If he didn’t kill people, he’d be like the ugly neighbor who you could always count on to help carry new furniture up the stairs after it got delivered.

If you’ve got buddies who’d be into this sort of thing, it’s even better if you invite them over. But that’s a different kind of night entirely, and something tells me your friends will grow too impatient with all of the commercial breaks and key bloody scenes that AMC is sure to cut out. You’ll probably end up playing poker or something, which is great, but it’s a waste of a perfectly good F13 television marathon.

We have to go out for a little while, but I should be home in time for the festivities. If you’re around, interested and able, let’s turn tonight’s thread into a virtual slasher movie slumber party.

FRIDAY THE 13th, ON X-E:
Friday the 13th Part 2 — Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter — The 5 Best 3D Effects In Friday The 13th Part 3 — The Many Faces of Jason Voorhees — X-E’s 1st Horror Convention — Alice Cooper?

Posted by Matt. E-mail me!