I don't cover too many toy commercials from the '70s and earlier, merely because I hadn't been born when they aired and feel no personal connection to 'em. But some, like Ideal's "Lazy Dazy" commercial from around 1972, are far too deliciously macabre to pass up. I'm trying really hard not to make mountains out of molehills, but this commercial is seriously twisted.

First, some exposition. "Lazy Dazy" dolls had a strange gimmick that definitely reflects on its era's simpler toy technologies. Inside each doll was a specially weighted contraption that caused it to slowly tumble into a sleeping position, as if it was falling asleep while watching TV or something. So, you'd sit the doll up in just the right way, and then it'd spend 6-8 seconds fumbling onto the floor for a nap. They even made it so that the doll's eyes gradually closed as it neared the ground. Not the kind of toy that'd set the hearts of today's young girls ablaze, but for 1972, it wasn't bad.

Now, you may be wondering exactly what kind of playtime scenario called for a doll with narcolepsy. Apparently, parent company Ideal wondered the same thing. Instead of a more obvious ad campaign, like, let's say, a thirty-second commercial where a bunch of little friendly girls let a Lazy Dazy doll lead their slumber party, Ideal went for something so strange and ridiculous that watching this ad today makes it look like bad sketch comedy.

It stars a little girl, dressed in pajamas in her dim bedroom. Seems like the perfect introduction to a doll who is a professional at going to sleep, but nothing of the sort is involved. Instead, they show the little girl creepily wording her way through a maternal relationship with Lazy Dazy, and when the doll does what it does best -- render itself unconscious -- "Mom" gets super pissed. Played in the straightest, most serious way possible, the little girl reprimands the doll for not paying attention, even breaking out a paraphrase of the always-dreaded "how dare you."

Keep in mind, this doesn't come off at all like some kid having fun with her doll. It doesn't even come off like a kid pretending to be a really strict mother. She acts like one of those reverse-twisted evil mother figures from a horror movie -- the kind of mother that tells you how much she loves you while cueing Leatherface to come chop your head off and feed it to her. Maybe I'm reaching, but I don't think many real life mothers would want to know if their young daughters acted this way in private. At the very least, they wouldn't want to arm such perversions with a sleeping doll that's apparently quite good at drawing them out.

That's not the sickest part, either. After speaking a line that I swore couldn't be topped ("How DARE you fall asleep while I'm talking to you!"), Satanita goes for the gold: "Mommy doesn't like to spank you...but sometimes you make Mommy soooooo maaaad."

And then...she does it! The patented ass slap! Boom boom boom boom boom, and all the while, she's looking like Patrick Bateman did when he videotaped himself fucking that hooker in American Psycho. Girl is into it.

So, she beats the shit out of Lazy Dazy, feels the point is made, and places her back on her bed in an upright position. She expects no more sacrilege, but Dazy is both blessed and cursed by her ability to flop and snore no matter the occasion. Of course, the doll fumbles again. The last we see of the girl before they cut to the spot-ending product photo is one of patience -- she puts her chin on her knuckles, sighs and says, "Dazy...you did it again." We can only speculate as to what happened in the aftermath, but ten bucks says it involved pool cues up the secret parts.

I think I way oversold it, but click here to watch the "Lazy Dazy" commercial. Note that Dazy came with her very own pillow, which with she avoided countless concussions from passing out and hitting her head on tables.

Still, you really can't argue that toys were so much more ridiculous back then, because here we are, 30 years later, with a Barbie doll that cleans up dog shit.

Posted by Matt on 07/10/2007. E-mail me!