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My dying wish is for an owl/camel hybrid, which I call camowl.

Summer Megaparty: Best TV Night EVER!

In my many years as a television watcher, I don't think I've ever had (or will ever have) a night of television watching as great as last night. Holy damn, this was incredible.

It started with Eye of The Beast, which is some made-for-ppv movie starring James Van Der Beek (Dawson!) as a ocean scientist (their term, not mine) who becomes wrapped up in a small town's struggle with a giant squid. Oh my God, this movie was so, SO great.

Forget the fact that this was a freshwater squid of impossible size -- there are far more subtle moments where you'll ask your television set if its shittin' you. After a series of deaths (sometimes we see a squid's tentacle, sometimes nothing at all), Dawson goes online to research ship wreckage. He wants to know if the rings seen on the smashed hull pieces are in fact the suction marks of a giant squid. How does he do this? A GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH. Incredible! Later, his co-workers back at the government-funded research lab spot the silhouette of a giant squid...on a Google Earth map! Dawsome!

The film, which seems to have been built mainly as the holy grailistic centerpiece for movie cliche drinking games, rounds out with a lengthy battle between the film's characters (every single one of them) and the giant squid. The characters are spread across two boats in the very rocky seas, which seems to go against the fact that the squid is murking about a lake. In the closing moments, we finally get a good look at the squid -- in fact, it's the only time we see anything other than tentacles after a solid 90 minutes of bullshit. And how is this accomplished? By having the CG squid lift itself out of the water, evidently so it would be an easier target for one of the heroes to throw an electrically-charged harpoon into its eye. You have to see this movie.

Almost immediately after that, I stumbled onto Destination: Infestation, a made-for-television movie that could've been titled "Ants on a Plane." Somehow, this was even worse than watching James Van Der Beek ax the tentacles off of a giant squid. Starring Antonio Sabato Jr. as an anti-terrorist special agent in over his head against a plane full of genetically-enhanced super ants, it's the story of 40 innocent passengers banding together against...ants.

The ants have seemingly been programmed to destroy the plane, which they do by chewing through critical wiring systems and even denting through the fuel reserve. On a few occasions, hordes of ants will invade the main cabin, choose one victim to bite to death, and then disappear completely until the next time they feel like doing that. This was helpful in keeping the film's shoestring budget firmly tied, as they repeat the same exact shot of ants running over wires or climbing through vents no less than 500 times throughout the film.

There's even more to the story. Did I mention that the United States government's decisions come solely from some Frank Langella-esque villain sitting in a dark office? Well, they do, and he commands that the plane not be allowed to land, fearing that these mega-ants will spread disease and death throughout our fine nation. And just to prove that he's serious, the government guy even calls every other country in the world, telling them to shoot down the plane to avoid having serious bug issues of their own. I won't spoil how the pilots and passengers avoid that grisly fate, but it's even more hysterical than seeing people get bit by ants a few times and dying immediately from it.

And to top it all off, a movie/documentary about what would happen if a giant comet hit our planet was on the Discovery Channel. Instead of just giving us the facts, they filmed all of these scenes of little girls looking for lost puppies in 400 degree temperatures, and of homeless people in NYC looting through trash before being washed away by gigantic tidal waves. I love TV!


Also, there's a new article up, covering almost every page from the 1990 premiere issue of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Magazine. Cowabunga.

Posted by Matt on 07/08/2007. E-mail me!



Discussion Thread: 100 comments

purplegirl247

I agree. “I’m sorry for your loss” is the proper support I’d prefer to hear from someone trying offer their condolences.

“He/she’s in a better place” sounds too much like recited comfort to me. Usually (not in all cases) coming from someone who was there to get out of work or just to be in all the action.

Chestnuts roasted by fistpittingnork @ 07/09/2007 5:00 PM


They must have been on Lake Superior. She eats people.

Chestnuts roasted by Ashley @ 07/09/2007 5:13 PM


Lammy742 That simpsons magazine was called Simpsons Illustrated I got one copy the 3D edition. It ran for 10 issues from 1991-1993, published four times per year. I just looked that up on Wikipedia.

and Joshua I used to work at a cemetary and funerals are very touchy people are very sensitive. I don’t know how well you knew this person (if at all) but the best thing to do is just to give a shoulder to lean on and share positive moments that you had with that person.

I am watching Rosanne they are showing the episode where Darlene gave birth to her premie daughter and it’s a real tearjerker. I am not usually the type to cry because of watching a tv show or a movie but that was really emotional. I love that show!!

And I am thrilled today bouncing off the walls because I just have to do a drug test at 4:30 later and that is for a job at walmart! It’s for a sales associate job and doesn’t sound like fun but it sounds easy for almost 9 dollars an hour! If I had a parttime job that would be great so I can get ready for the army next year! Yipee!! It’s been like 9 months since I have worked so this is a great deal.

Chestnuts roasted by Goob @ 07/09/2007 5:55 PM


***Transformers Spoilers Transformers Spoilers***

Okay, here’s how you recreate Jazz’s death on your desk without buying another Deluxe Class Jazz to break in half:

1. Pick up the Legends Class Jazz
2. Snap off his legs (ball joints, FTW)
3. Fold his torso up under his grill
4. Place him in (well on) Optimus’s hand
5. Smile

***Transformers Spoilers Transformers Spoilers***

Chestnuts roasted by Knegative @ 07/09/2007 7:28 PM


Toffeecake-

If you have broadband internet and a (fairly) large hard drive, you don’t need cable tv to see some great Discovery TV programming – just point your newsreader (there are several good free ones) to alt.binaries.multimedia on your internet provider’s newsgroup server and search for “discovery”. People post dozens of different programs each month, with the commercials cut out. There is a little bit of a learning curve, but not too much… If you’re interested, I could point you towards a couple of pages that explain how to access multimedia content on the Internet.

Chestnuts roasted by Old Jim @ 07/09/2007 7:35 PM


Does anyone remember Hot Dog! magazine? I think I used to get it from the Scholastic book club back in the day.

Chestnuts roasted by Mystie @ 07/09/2007 7:52 PM


Wow, I missed a whole week of the Megaparty. I feel like the friend of the group who has a summer job.

Chestnuts roasted by Bill @ 07/09/2007 8:15 PM


Mystie

Yes, I do remember Hot Dog magazine. I can’t recall much about it, but I do have vague recollections of it.

Chestnuts roasted by Magic Toe @ 07/09/2007 9:13 PM


thank you so much guys and gals…you really helped A LOT!!
and i knew her well, so its even harder
but my thanks to you cats…
take care!
Mr. C

Chestnuts roasted by JoshuaC @ 07/09/2007 10:20 PM


I hear you Bill. This whole work and commute thing with no internet access for 8-10 hours a day is driving me nuts. I must get back to buying Powerball tickets twice weekly just to keep the dream alive in my head.

Chestnuts roasted by kb @ 07/09/2007 10:35 PM


My God Matt. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for that TMNT magazine review. I had that issue, hell, I had a subscription. I remember drawing that cover over and over again. And I read that article about kids studying karate till it was worn out (I was still 2 years away from taking it up myself after begging my parents for yeeeears) Then, one day…a Looney Tunes magazine came, with a letter from bugs bunny saying that all things must change and TMNT magazine was no more. My small word was shattered. *sniff*

Chestnuts roasted by Ann @ 07/09/2007 10:41 PM


I just got the Turtles, Revenge of the Ooze, and Turtles in Time three pack dvd and in the words of the great Artie Lange, “It’s two great movies to watch and one great movie to snort an 8ball off of.”

Chestnuts roasted by bacciballs13 @ 07/09/2007 10:43 PM


I agree with Bill and kb- It is HARD to go to work for 8 hours and have no internet access allllll day. At least at call centers, I could sneak a peak here and there….I have a whole other life on the internet, ya know?

OK- Its about time it is asked- Who was your favorite Turtle? Donatello was always my favorite because he was the “smart” one in the gang, just like I was. Also, he kicked ass with just a STICK. PLUS, he saved the Turtles butts all the time with his wicked inventions. He always saved the day!

Chestnuts roasted by Muppet Baby @ 07/09/2007 10:53 PM


hey Bill!! I missed ya! Welcome back buddy. How was vegas?

Chestnuts roasted by Goob @ 07/09/2007 10:59 PM


Josh, I second purplegirl and fistpittingnork’s advice. Bring tissues, even if you don’t expect to need them, and avoid the “things happen for a reason” and “in a better place” stuff. Unless you know for a fact that the bereaved is a faithful/religious person, hearing that kind of thing can actually make someone feel worse. Just be sincere. Also (and this may be silly and/or obvious) don’t think you have to wear head-to-toe black or anything ultra fancy. Think job interview. (And it took me too long to type this, but there you go)
Mikey’s definitely my favorite turtle, followed by Raph. And I love that episode of Roseanne.

Chestnuts roasted by squee4242 @ 07/09/2007 11:16 PM


i have that first issue of TMNT magazine framed and displayed proudly on my wall. it’s rather beaten up as i took it everywhere with me as i read each article dozens of times and used the images of the turtles as templates for my own drawings. what was in the middle of it? i know there was something in there, but i had taken it out back in the day and lost whatever it was.

Chestnuts roasted by Kosmo @ 07/10/2007 1:39 AM


Ah yes, Lammy….the ol’ Simpsons Illustrated. Not only did the Turtles have their own magazine, but so did the Simpsons, the Looney Tunes, Mickey Mouse, DuckTales, Garfield…probably more. I had several of those cheap licensed-character magazines, which are now gone. Wish I could see them again…

Chestnuts roasted by Mars @ 07/10/2007 4:22 AM


So I read this article and I used to live so close to Croghan NY that it really caught my interest. So, I did a google search for “Michael Lewis Croghan NY” and there actually IS a Michael Lewis in that area – He used to be a forest ranger for Lewis (haha) County. So I called the number listed and asked for Mikey.

The guy that answered said he no longer worked there and believed the guy had retired. So no dice.

I thought it was pretty neat though.. I just wanted to see if there was any validity to those letters. It’s still up in the air I guess, but I thought I would share! Great article as usual!

Chestnuts roasted by Little Sara @ 07/10/2007 1:59 PM


This article reminds me of 2 major events in my childhood! Check this out!
——————————————-
1. The “Door To Door” ad reminded me of something that happened to me in the 5th grade.

As part of a class project, the teacher (Mr. Rassmusen) would let us write to famous people and send them a request for free stuff. It was all part of a reading program. See, when you read a book, the number of pages in the book went into a kind of credit bank. Then on the last day of school, the teacher would hold an auction for all the free stuff we bugged the famous people for. I’ve always loved this teacher for this stunt. It’s a really good idea and it worked…on me anyway cuz I read so many books that year, I knew I just HAD to have enough page-points to win the item I wrote Marvel Comics for:

A rare “Marvel-Team-up” issue featuring Spider-Man and Wolverine…AUTOGRAPHED BY STAN LEE!!!!!!

I cost me almost every credit I had but I won it! I also took home a “month’s” supply of Fritos! Not a bad way to spend the last day of school!!!
——————————————-
2. I got to see the TMNT movie THE DAY BEFORE IT CAME OUT!!!

See, there was a theater not too far from my house, that was going to do a Midnight screening of TMNT. The movie absolutely blew me away! My Dad was so cool, he took me to it and let me go to bed at 3AM! Still in my top 5 best Dad moments!

Now I know this wasn’t technically seeing the movie a day early since it was midnight, but the whole next day at school, I was the BMOC! I talked about that movie about 5,000 times that day and loved every second of it!

I LOVE THIS MOVIE!!!

Chestnuts roasted by Antenna Villain @ 07/10/2007 5:03 PM


I loved the article with Elias (Casey Jones). Was kinda looking for a question of:

Q: Where you a fan of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles before making the movie?

A: Um, no. Actually, I did the movie cause I need to make rent, and some Christmas money would be nice…

Heh.

Chestnuts roasted by JiveTurkey @ 07/10/2007 7:55 PM


I remember the TMNT movie… it was the first movie I actually went to a theatre to see. I remember I also had the novelized version. 60 pages is a lot to read for a 6-year-old. I also had an ep of the Simpsons magazine way back when.

Chestnuts roasted by DocDragon @ 07/10/2007 10:19 PM


Wow Matt, your recent inspiration is… well inspirational. Both pieces were great reads. Thanks for the super long cruise article also!!

Chestnuts roasted by Coltyhuxx @ 07/11/2007 2:08 PM


Another great article, matt!
I also wanted to chime in that I used to subscribe to this magazine, though not quite intentionally.
I was an avid subscriber of the Ghostbusters magazine that had been out prior to this, and suddenly one month, I found a letter polybagged along with my copy of Real Ghostbusters Magazine that pretty much informed me that in no uncertain terms this was the last issue I, or any other ghosthead sucker would be receiving, for the magazine was being replaced with the TMNT Magazine. Needless to say, I was outraged, but even though my letter that I dictated to my parent explaining my 8-year old unabashed hulk-like fury was sent out, I never discovered an apologetic response from my favorite magazine. Instead, I got the first issue of TMNT mag, as promised by the heathens that destroyed my magazine dreams.

This can all be summed up simply as an extra tidbit if your readers are interested: The TMNT magazine replaced The Real Ghostbusters magazine in 1990 and the subscribers were switched to the TMNT mag without having a say in the matter.

Well, at least Gremlins never had a magazine to be torn from my loving arms. That would cause me to call up my parents now, and dictate yet another letter extolling my fury in ways that would wake the Old Ones from their slumber, and probably cause David Hasselhoff to hop in Knight Rider and save the day.

Chestnuts roasted by Jypsy @ 07/13/2007 11:09 AM


I am way into great bad movies. when i was like 12 i saw this late night movie called “Raise the Titanic”. it was the best worst movie ever made. it took me 11 yrs to see it again. i had to download it. check it out!

Chestnuts roasted by ben @ 07/13/2007 3:45 PM


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