Oh God, oh God. Somebody give me the textual equivalent of an orgasm, because I need to type it out over and over again.

You’ve probably read about my fascination with Hostess Ninja Turtles Pies, those being the disgustingly awesome green pastries filled with vanilla mutagen pudding. If I had to draw up a short list of things that personify X-E, they’d be pretty close to the top. When I wrote the article, all I had to go on were my memories and a few old pie wrappers. Short of finding a Hostess bakery with zero regard for expiration dates, the only missing piece of the puzzle finally landed in my lap tonight.

Yes, finally, I have the Hostess Ninja Turtles Pies commercial. And I’ll share it with you in just a minute.

On a conservative estimate, the ad is 16,000 kinds of awesome. The Ninja Turtles were absolutely serious about making these pies a success, evidenced by their willingness to throw away all pride and poise as they don baker hats and rap in unison about vanilla pudding.

“They’re lime, they’re delicious, you know that’s true…because they’re filled with MUTAGEN GOO!” Oh God, I am going to sing this jingle to every person and animal I come into contact with forever and ever. They totally should’ve released it as a single.

Wait, the pies weren’t lime, were they? I know the pudding was vanilla. Maybe the crust was lime? I so don’t need new questions at this stage…Matt craves closure on the Turtle Pie issue.

Most of the commercial features the Turtles baking the pies and serving them to random kids, but midway through, we finally get some live action money shots of the real deal. And because of that, some random M.C. Escher knockoff gets his ass ousted from my Windows wallpaper collection in favor of GRAINY PIE PICS OH GOD YES!

A lot of us have had our memories play tricks on us over the years, but these pictures put it all to rest: No, the pudding was never green. Just the crust. Though I was always more of a Ninja Turtle Pie fan in concept than in practice, they do look darn appetizing here.

I’m just ridiculously pleased with life in general right now. Click here to watch the commercial, and see if it can’t turn your summertime blues green.

Gushing aside, I think I’ve stumbled onto something else pretty amazing here. During the spot, the Turtles take special care to serve their desserts to this kid. Take a good, long look at him. He seemed familiar, and sure enough, I’m like 84.7% certain that that’s the very same kid who accidentally dropped the pre-mutated Ninja Turtles down the sewer drain in the very first episode of the cartoon series. Click here for a shot of that kid.

In the commercial, he looks a few years older…I’d say about three years older, which is the exact amount of years between the first episode and the stupid pie commercial. The Ninja Turtles were clearly rewarding their indirect creator in the only way they knew how: By providing free pies. Am I reaching? NO. I am RIGHT and I deserve prizes.

And by prizes I mean pieses.

UPDATE: They’re not saying “they’re lime, they’re delicious” in the commercial. They’re saying “they’re mondo delicious.” I spent six weeks trying to find Mondo Gecko in the sixth grade; you’d think “mondo” would’ve at least entered my permanent lexicon for it.

Posted by Matt. E-mail me!