X-Entertainment.com X-Entertainment UGO
X-Entertainment is still feeling pretty bad about those lobsters.

06/22/2007: Summer Megaparty: ’80s Commercials!


A bunch of new reviews of old commercials for you today, with the products ranging from funny diet pills to invisible bear-shaped fruit snacks. If you’re new to the site and want to see more old commercials, I suggest clicking here and here and here. Awayyyyy we gooooo…


Consumers Catalog Showrooms: Oh God, how I loved Consumers. There weren’t a ton of Consumers stores across the world, but I was lucky enough to live ten minutes away from one. I was really young and the memories might be a bit rusty, but it worked like this: You’d go into this “store” that looked more like a Department of Motor Vehicles with a bunch of casino arcade prize shelves, and stand at a little podium filling out order forms from Consumers catalogs. Then you’d give the slips to one of the workers, and they’d reappear from the giant warehouse in the back with whatever you ordered.

The idea was that they could keep their prices down by doing away with extravagant store displays, but in practice, the whole thing kind of sucked. You’d spend twenty minutes filling out order forms and another hour waiting on lines, and half the time, most of what you wanted ended up being out of stock. This led to the entire Consumers business having a terrible stigma, but at heart, it was the company’s fault. The catalogs used to have these wild clearance sales with truly absurd low prices, and obviously, that’s why people were going to the stores. When everyone’s ordering the same shit, a single store can’t meet the demand.

Example? Okay. For three years in a row in the mid ’80s, the Consumers holiday catalog promoted Chuck Norris: Karate Kommandos figures for forty-nine cents a pop. Each year, I’d make my mother take me there, and each year, there were no Chuck Norris: Karate Kommandos in stock. I was too young to really understand the concept of misleading advertising and things being sold out, so I just assumed my mother was at fault and gave her shit for it.

Despite it constantly providing the retail equivalent of blue balls, I was totally fascinated by the stores. Click here to watch one of their old commercials, starring Shirley Jones as the odd celebrity spokesperson. The commercial’s boring as hell, but I can’t change that.


Berry Bears Fruit Snacks: In retrospect, the Berry Bears fruit snack brand was far more interesting than it seemed. In the beginning, it was just another everyday fruit snack based on another group of everyday generic characters. A family of bears, in this case. You had Ma Bear and Pa Bear, and Kid Bear and other Kid Bear.

Somewhere along the way, the people behind Berry Bears went completely insane and refused to allow a family of friendly bears to sell the product by themselves. Instead, they constantly implemented wacky “special edition fruit snacks.” In one commercial, they had the cartoon bears stumble upon some kind of holy flying horse to serve as an introduction to new “holy flying horse” fruit snacks. Picture that — you’d open a pack of Berry Bears, and it’d be 90% Humanoid Bear and 10% Flying Pegasus.

In the commercial featured here, the special edition snack was even weirder. Bobby Bear finds a jar of vanishing cream and makes himself invisible. Thus, packages of Berry Bears fruit snacks included random “Invisible Bobby” pieces, which were more translucent than actually invisible, but whatever.

I like to pretend that the Berry Bears production panel consisted of five old ladies and a California surfer with a can of Coca-Cola constantly in hand. Everyone had a say. The old ladies liked their nuclear family of fruity bears, but Surfer Dude was always around to spice things up with flying horses and invisibility creams, just because he was stoned and thought it’d be funny. Click here to see Bobby Bear go byebye!


Dexatrim: I have no idea if they still make Dexatrim, and I’ve never actually seen it in person. Still, I couldn’t have been the only kid who was enamored by the pills seen in commercials like this one. What were all of those little balls visible within the clear end of the pills? What did they do? I had no idea what an “appetite suppressant” was. I just figured that those little balls swam around stomachs attacking whatever food people ate, shrinking pot roasts down like salt on snow.

You might need some Dexatrim after tomorrow’s Megaparty entry. It’s a recipe. A greasy one. Stay tuned.


Posted by Matt. E-mail me!

Bookmark and Share


Discussion Thread: 95 comments

Yeah, Gene, I remember Consumer Distributors. One birthday when I was like 6, I had a choice of Megaman Soccer or Super Mario All-Stars from them. Took Mario-definately the better choice.

Matt, your description of how the Berry Bears people “went completely insane…and “implemented wacky “special edition fruit snacks.”", reminds me of how an artist starts out fairly normal and basic, and then just loses it. Like how Pink Floyd was originally a blues band, or how Louis Wain went from drawing cats to drawing fragmented psychadelic non-cats. Both cases are actually a bit tragic though. Still.

Okay, Hoverbored, I don’t know if it counts as a cheat, but theres this Game Genie thing you can do with Megaman X, where you can combine your powers. Its wicked. For normal cheats, maybe one for Bubble Boble where you can skip levels. I swear some of those later ones are not meant to be beaten.

And I drank some Sake in Chinatown tonight. Fairly potent shit, I’d say. :P

Ghosted by Tutsuro @ 06/23/2007 12:05 AM EDT


We had a service merchandise, except they mainly had stuff on the floor. I don’t remember ever having to wait. I bought my first portable CD player there–it was the first thing I bought when I opened a checking account in the 4th grade. (My parents wanted to teach me about money).

I also vaguely recall the berry bears fruit snacks with the flying horse. Didn’t remember those until the blog post…

Ghosted by Cameron T. @ 06/23/2007 12:07 AM EDT


We had Consumers here in Newfoundland except it’s full title was “Consumers Distributing”, maybe the Canadian version or something???

It lasted for a solid 6 years or so..closing probably around 1994 or something…although the sign was there in front of the mall until the late nineties… the only thing I ever remember getting from there was that yellow walking forklift thing from the end of one of the Alien movies…maybe the first? Anyway, it was a sweet toy but Consumers was a confusing store, as a young lad I had no idea what was going on there, but the anticipation of waiting for the toy to appear RIGHT after you pick it from the catalog was sort of a cool experience I guess…almost forgot about that place, thx again Matt.

Ghosted by Gweff @ 06/23/2007 12:11 AM EDT


Yep, I got Sky Lynx from BEST. Oh yeah. Might have gotten Vehicle Voltron there too.

Ghosted by K- @ 06/23/2007 12:18 AM EDT


Gweff

That’s the second Alien film you’re talking about (Aliens).

Ghosted by Cameron T. @ 06/23/2007 12:43 AM EDT


I so remember those berry bear fruit snacks, and I remember eating the wings off the horse all the time. I have no idea what Consumers is though. And I didn’t play video games as a youngster so I have no favorite cheat codes…lol.

Does anyone remember the instant oatmeal that had fruit snacks shaped like bears or other things that didn’t appear until you poured the hot water on the oatmeal?

Well thats all I have to say right now. Bye!

Ghosted by Cookiemonstr @ 06/23/2007 1:31 AM EDT


Cookiemonstr,
Do a search on X-E about oatmeal; I seem to recall that Matt wrote an article about a brand of oatmeal that had “Dinosaur Eggs” that “hatched” when you poured the hot water on.

Ghosted by Thomas @ 06/23/2007 1:55 AM EDT


That Super Turrican game is supposed to be on virtual console very soon according to GoNintendo…in case anyone cares….

Random thought: I guess tonight I officially became old. We went to a movie tonight and the crowd was full of loudly talking and continuously moving teenagers and the entire row to my right spent the entire trailers doing a MST3K thing, but in a very un-fun way. I wanted to enjoy the movie dammit. By the time the trailers were over, I was so high strung my very understanding friend was like “you wanna go” and I said I could make it. Then the MGM lion roared, and the idiot next to me make some LOUD stupid ass comment and I said “yep that’s it”, so we left.

We went to the manager, who took us to the ticket counter to get a pass to come another time. While there, the high school age (no offense to anyone here, btw ;) ) cashier said, “What was the problem? The kids?! Come on a weekday then…”

I wanted to say “actually I should be able to go whenever I please. It’s your age group that, by and large, that has not been taught or just don’t care what ‘audience etiquette’ is…ass”, but I didn’t.

So we came home to beer and Wii…realizing I’ve become a grumpy old man. But I’m okay with that.

Also, tried the mudslide….it was okay. Not exiting, but my fear of Kaluha -or however you spell it- has been wiped clean…

Thanks for letting me ramble :)

Ghosted by Shuanfu @ 06/23/2007 1:55 AM EDT


Jinx, Thomas..same post time

Ghosted by Shuanfu @ 06/23/2007 1:59 AM EDT


Hah. Glad to know your night was fun, Shuanfu. Just a few weeks ago, my friend and I left due to annoying people in the theater as well; we asked for our money, but didn’t get it. I think this proves that cinemas are that of pure evil. Just out of curiosity, what movie were you trying to see?

Ghosted by charislame @ 06/23/2007 2:05 AM EDT


Nowadays we just have Stacker and Stacker II. Mafia guys apparently work better than the average woman to convince people to lost weight.

Ghosted by Ben @ 06/23/2007 2:16 AM EDT


We didn’t have a Consumers in New Mexico, but we did have a Service Merchandise and a Best store. I remember looking at the catalogs that came out. Never ordered anything though.

Ghosted by Donata05 @ 06/23/2007 2:18 AM EDT


Thanks Thomas, I’ll try that. ~big smile~

Ghosted by Cookiemonstr @ 06/23/2007 2:29 AM EDT


My favorite Cheat code? Legit one…getting Ivan Ooze in Power Rangers: Fighting Edition. Press & Hold X&Y while choosing any character. He was an uncompleted character with only 2 attacks, but they had long range and he was the only one who could float, making him extremely tough to hit.

Gameshark…I gamesharked the hell out of my Pokemon Silver game, getting shiny legendaries and unlimited masterballs. I’m trying to aquire one for the DS to just get unlimited master balls plus the (or perhaps 4) Event Legendaries: Shaymin (the Mew, Celebi, Jircahi of D/P), Darkrai, and Arceus (the GOD of Pokemon). There’s also Manaphy, which you can breed with Ditto to get Phione.

Speaking of which…I finally caught that bastard Azelf. I had to use Uxie’s Yawn move to get it.

Ghosted by Invader Norbert @ 06/23/2007 2:44 AM EDT


Lol Thomas…not exactly what I remember, but very close and Matt’s article was SO funny. I remember that the bear shaped fruit snacks were covered in this powdery substance the exact shade of the oatmeal and when the hot water hit them they immediately appeared. I think the only color the bears came in was red and they were also gummy just like fruit snacks. Now I miss the old days when my mom would make me breakfast every morning. ~sighs~ :-)

Ghosted by Cookiemonstr @ 06/23/2007 2:47 AM EDT


OK, now I remember the bear fruit snacks. The only thing that triggered my mind was the horse part. And the mention of the fruit snack bar brought back memories too. Ugh. What a weird strange food to give kids.

Ghosted by kb @ 06/23/2007 2:51 AM EDT


This is the best summer ever. Megaparty, carnivals, swimming, lightening bugs, all kinds of summer activities in the near future and coming weeks. One of the chicks my friends and I know from karaoke gave us free tickets to a male revue today (Saturday) and Sunday we’re hopping the bus to NYC. Gonna be a fuck of a weekend, I hope I’ll still remember it all when I sober up. I guess that’s what cameras are for, though, RIGHT? Yee haw!

Ghosted by Mystie @ 06/23/2007 2:54 AM EDT


I see several people have mentioned having Service Merchandise stores in their area. I also remember SM and I hated that place as a child. I think it stems from the time me, my mamaw, and some old man was in the crystal aisle and he knocked a shelf over and tried to blame it on me. I was probably 5 or 6 years old. Mamaw was irate, she was cussing the old man and the SM employees. I always hated that store afterwards. 150+ dollars for a small microwave!? That’s insane. 10 years ago I got one the same size for 60 bucks. Thank you Wal-Mart.

Ghosted by iAMYou @ 06/23/2007 2:58 AM EDT


I just remembered something I wanted to post about; has anyone out there heard of the Transformers tribute band named Megatron? I heard them perform on the radio this morning, after their lead singer(?) called in on Wednesday to score tickets to an advanced screening of the movie. Apparently, they are one of at least two Transformers bands in the L.A. area; the other band is named Optimus Prime.
They have a MySpace page: http://www.myspace.com/megatronbp
Also, you can hear their radio performance here:
http://www.kroq.com Click the “Kevin and Bean” link on the left of the page, then click the “Sounds” link; the file will be marked by an accompanying picture of Megatron (the Decepticon).

Ghosted by Thomas @ 06/23/2007 3:24 AM EDT


They do indeed still sell Dexatrim, in the “max two oh” variety.
Invader, you beat me to it. In fact, I’ve noticed an odd sychronicity between the Colbert Report and X-E sometimes. He actually busted out with a jar of Marshmallow Fluff the other week.
Shuanfu, you just outlined the reasons I only go the the movies late at night or in the unfashionable theater in town if I can absolutely help it. Maybe it does mean I’m getting old, but I have no patience for putting up with teenagers who won’t shut up.

Ghosted by squee4242 @ 06/23/2007 3:48 AM EDT


Total blame wasn’t the teenagers…it was made worse by the row of adults next to me.

I’m going back Sunday in the early afternoon…much better time…me and all my other 80 year old friends ;)

Ghosted by Shuanfu @ 06/23/2007 4:13 AM EDT


Hey, Shuanfu, that doesn’t make you old! I hate having to listen to teenagers, and I’m only 18.

Hmm…favourite cheat code. I don’t remember a whole lot from when I played the older games, so I’d probably have to go with Mortal Kombat’s “blood” cheat. This seems strange to me now, as I recall that I was an 8-year-old girl ripping hearts out of dudes.

Ghosted by Frakkyfire @ 06/23/2007 5:21 AM EDT


Ya know we had a BEST store down here and that sign was up for a long ass time after it closed. And the building is still vacant…hmmmm….

Ghosted by Mufu @ 06/23/2007 8:59 AM EDT


Consummers? O.O

I haven’t thought about them in…years.
We used to get Christmas presents there. Well, my parents and grandmother would order them. My siblings and I would be mesmerized by the toys on display. I can’t remember anything being out of stock (It wasn’t as busy, lucky us)
They closed when I was…8, I think.

Ghosted by Cutie Kitsune @ 06/23/2007 10:43 AM EDT


Have you guys read about the new program Regal is unleashing for its patrons that are Regal Crown Club members (or whatever the hell it’s called)? Allegedly, they’ll give you a device so that you can report nuisances. I guess it’s like a beeper and you can tell them that people are talking, that the lights haven’t dimmed, that the movie hasn’t started, etc. etc. It sounds badass but I feel that it’s just going to end up getting abused, managers/employees will be running around even more crazy than they are now, and the pheonomenon will end.

Ah, well.

Ghosted by purplegirl247 @ 06/23/2007 11:11 AM EDT


I had an interesting night last night. We had a big storm which knocked out all the power around 5:00 pm and didn’t come on until the middle of the night. I spent all night listening to my soundtracks and comedy CD’s on my portable. It was also my younger brothers birthday and we had pizza and pie by candlelight. I missed the last episode of Stargate. I hope Sci-Fi posts those things on their website.

Speaking of video games cheating codes, do you guys remember the Game Genie? My cousin had one and it ruled. You would put your game into the genie, put the genie into the system, and input codes from a codebook. I loved that thing.

Ghosted by JLAJRC @ 06/23/2007 11:32 AM EDT


hey GWEFF:
dude or dude-ette, you’re from newfoundland too?!?! smallworld, i live in topsail, like 15 minutes away from downtown, where are you located??

Ghosted by JoshC @ 06/23/2007 11:46 AM EDT


Since we’re ranting like senior citizens, I blame the internet in large part. The younger generation is being reared to think that every thought that enters their head should be broadcast to the world and everything they do is important. Look at all the blogs out there by people who chronicle every detail of their stupid lives like it’s Nobel-worthy journalism. Look at all the YouTube videos of high school kids just turning on a camera and acting stupid (and making the conscious decision to post it to the internet, believing that people all across the world are bound to find it as entertaining as they do.) Even legitimate news sites have places on each story where you can comment or, what really bugs me, rate the story, as if we should care one iota what people think of the news. (Rape and murder? Boo! One star! Ooh…a new baby tiger born at the zoo? Five stars! More like this please!) By this logic, if I’m sitting at the movie and have a thought I find humorous, I should share it audibly because I have been taught that the world wants to hear my thoughts on anything at any time. I am special.

Obviously, anyone cool enough to hang around here is probably exempt from this generalization.

Ghosted by Lori @ 06/23/2007 11:53 AM EDT


I like the fact that we’re more likely to question things and be critical, but you’re right, as with all things we need to know when and where it is appropriate to do so.

Ghosted by K- @ 06/23/2007 12:12 PM EDT


Lori-

All very good points.

Like many of you I avoid movie theaters like a plague now as where I used to love going. The last two films I actually saw in a theater? Grindhouse in April of this year, and before that it was Meet the Fockers in January 2005. What can I say? I’d rather avoid the frustration, wait five months, and own the DVD.

It isn’t the same overall experience, but it keeps the blood pressure in check.

Ghosted by Magic Toe @ 06/23/2007 12:20 PM EDT


Hmm, never heard of Consumers, pretty cool! Me and the fiance stayed in a cabin in the middle of nowhere the past two nights, and in the pamphlet they gave us it said they weren’t responsible for anything involving “Creatures of Nature.” Awesome

Ghosted by Tommy Day @ 06/23/2007 12:43 PM EDT


I like going to early morning showings, and late ones. It usually preserves the experience for me. If it is something that benefits from a group experience I will see it at a “prime” time. Snakes on a Plane would not be the same if i hadn’t seen it opening night with the most raucaus crowd imaginable :D

So, it all depends, but overall I still like the theatre-going experience.

Ghosted by K- @ 06/23/2007 12:46 PM EDT


JLAJRC

RE: Stargate. Don’t worry. A) SciFi usually replays these things ad nauseum. and B) You really didn’t miss that much. I won’t spoil anything, but I was disappointed. The title of the episode is fitting, though.

Ghosted by Cameron T. @ 06/23/2007 1:01 PM EDT


Oh my fucking God! The the o in the “Y0, from 1 fry 2 anotha.” title in the articles section on the front page is a zero. 0 1 2. :o

Ghosted by dohopoki @ 06/23/2007 1:05 PM EDT


JoshC I thought I was the only one! I’m from Corner Brook but I’m living in downtown St. John’s now…

P.S. I’m a dude

Ghosted by Gweff @ 06/23/2007 1:06 PM EDT


I think its funny that people are complaining about going to the movies…my mom is one of those people, once we went to the theater and we had to move 3 freaking time because people sat right behind us! I, on the other hand, have never had any problems…crying babies, talking people, people getting up in the middle…it never distracts me from the movie, I think ’cause the movie is played so loud I can tune everything else out. The only thing I don’t like is if my seat is kicked or pushed, that is physical and will make me miss something in the movie.

Ghosted by Cookiemonstr @ 06/23/2007 3:13 PM EDT


Hey Thorzul, I remember JC Penney Outlet! We have one that’s still open in Merriam, KS. Back in the day they sold all sorts of special editions of popular toys, my favorite was the HUGE Estes Rockets we’d dig up in the catalog returns department for cheap.

These days catalog returns is more organized but back in the 70’s and 80’s it was chock full of plain brown boxes stacked row upon row through the whole department like the final scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark, good times!

Ghosted by Mike D @ 06/23/2007 10:40 PM EDT


There used to be a Consumers Distributing up around where I live… I remember that we got the catalogue often, but we only ever got 1 item out of it… I rememer it mostly because it was the ONLY place I saw an item that I really wanted, some 9-in-1 toy weapon… I saw the commercial once, and the item itself in the Consumer’s Distributing catalogue, and never again…

Ghosted by DocDragon @ 06/24/2007 1:55 AM EDT


I remember Best….had the coolest waterfalls falling out front.

Up up down down left right left right BA BA start.

Ghosted by meepy @ 06/24/2007 11:07 AM EDT


On the topic of theatres, I think they and certain other public places should be allowed to jam cell phone signals. For God’s sake, it’s not hard to turn your damn phone off for two hours, and if you’re expecting a really super important call, then don’t go to a damn movie!

The one that really gets me is when teenagers are sitting there texting each other or playing a game the whole time. Why did they even go in the first place?

In case you hadn’t noticed, I really hate cell phones. And teenagers. They are a deadly combination.

I have lots of other rants about going to the movies, but I’ll save it for my LiveJournal or something.

Ghosted by Annette @ 06/24/2007 2:06 PM EDT


Can I just say I went to the SAME movie today. The theater was still full. And there were movie talkers, but movie talkers that were into the movie and whose comments -more sounds really- added to the experience. There were teenagers still (the after church crowd) but there was more of a sense of “We’re here to see a movie” instead of “we’re here to have social hour”…I think that was the problem with the crowd -both teens AND adults- at the Friday night showing.

Ghosted by Shuanfu @ 06/24/2007 4:01 PM EDT


AHH! I was just thinking about berry bears the other day! That’s actually how I found this article. I used to be completely obsessed with berry bears as a kid and I really wish they hadn’t been discontinued (I’m assuming so because I haven’t seen a box in years). Anyway, that was a pretty hilarious bit you wrote on them. I was completely unaware at the time how incredibly weird their marketing schemes were.

Ghosted by April @ 06/24/2007 5:25 PM EDT


I was a big fan of Consumers… I live(d) right near the one you are speaking of Matt, and your description is pretty on target- except you’re forgeting one important thing… everything you ordered came out on steel rollers… You’d wait, and wait, and then finally your action figure or Ninendo game would come rolling out from the back.

Roll’n Roaster used to be in that plaza too.

Ghosted by Lou @ 06/25/2007 1:35 PM EDT


The catalog style store near me growing up was called BEST. We didn’t shop there much because they never had anything, but I do remember picking up some cool toys there over the years including Wheeled Warriors and some figures that when you pulled their legs down at the waist, their rubbery skin on their face and chest would deflate and make them look very monstrous and wrinkled

anyone remember those?

Ghosted by Alex @ 06/26/2007 8:52 AM EDT


“On the plus side, it was the only catalog I can remember reading that sold sex toys and called them “personal massagers”

I remember those! Consumers Distributing (same company) was in the Bay Area of CA when I was growing up. I remember getting the CD catalog when I was a kid and circling what I wanted for Christmas. I distinctly remember thinking the very cool Millenium Falcon toy was too expensive. I ended up with the Death Star Space Station instead (which i had in pristine condition until I was 20 years old, when my three year old nephew got ahold of it and tore the cardboard pieces, lost the foam from the trash compactor. he also tore the wings off my battle-scarred (soot stickers) X-Wing).

Ghosted by Toni @ 06/27/2007 4:31 PM EDT


Add A New Comment!