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06/12/2007: New Article: X-E Goes On A Cruise!

A new article, as promised. Click here to read my review/recap/diatribe/whatever on our recent cruise vacation, which is really just a hodge podge of useless thoughts and information on everything from Cuban cigars to ghost crabs. After writing and editing, I still felt like something was missing. Finally, it hit me. “Coherence!” I didn’t fix it to add coherence, but it’s nice to be cognizant. Being cognizant gives me the excuse to use the word “cognizant.” It’s a fun word. Try being cognizant sometime, so you can use it too.

Posted by Matt. E-mail me!

Discussion Thread: 196 comments

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Shuanfu–
MacGyver.

Ghosted by DeeJay @ 06/15/2007 8:12 AM EDT

Shaunfu – I think that the boat crash list would be more about who could help you survive, and the plane crash list is who do you really want to die, because really…how many people survive plane wrecks?

Charles Ingalls on my boat. The man can build a house in like 3 days. Ideally, I think a boat filled with Amish people would do the trick.

Ghosted by Jessica Marie @ 06/15/2007 9:12 AM EDT

Shuanfu: I would say Paris Hilton. I’m pretty sure she would die off first and I would not feel too guilty eating her.

Ghosted by Bill @ 06/15/2007 9:48 AM EDT

There is no way Paris Hilton is healthy for you though. I think I’d want both Mythbusters. Those guys are sure to come in handy.

Ghosted by 9-Line @ 06/15/2007 11:35 AM EDT

9-Line, that’s a good one. They’d be handy AND entertaining.

Ghosted by Annette @ 06/15/2007 1:11 PM EDT

Good Vibes and Well Wishes to Big McLargehuge! I hope you and Blast Hardcheese have many happy years together.

As for a shipwreck crew, I’d have to consider a good balance of brains, brawn, and the fact that one would have to stand being near them for extended periods. Wonder Woman, Xena, Storm, BlackArachnia, Spider Man, MacGuyver with a Guyver Unit, Brock Samson, and a mid-size luxury yacht to shipwreck with. There’s you an adventure. Especially in the Bermuda Triangle or the Grand Line.

Ghosted by kingklash @ 06/15/2007 1:17 PM EDT

And let’s not forget Bruce Campbell.

Ghosted by Jessica Marie @ 06/15/2007 1:31 PM EDT

Sea World is boring…again, skip it. Spend the extra day doing something much more fun. But that’s easy to say I guess with the Miami Sequarium in my backyard when I grew up. Maybe its cool if yer in one of these land locked places.

Ghosted by meepy @ 06/15/2007 1:39 PM EDT

And good luck, its always HOT in Florida, or raining, or both.

Ghosted by meepy @ 06/15/2007 1:42 PM EDT

That boat full of Amish people would stink so bad you’d wish for a shipwreck. and on to the 3rd place I’ve spent part of my life. Miami, Las Vegas, then South Central PA….*sigh*

Ghosted by meepy @ 06/15/2007 1:44 PM EDT

BILL, Mitch Hedberg fuckin rocks! I loved that guy! BTW, I’ll fight ya for a scrap of Hilton’s chicken legs. Plenty o’ protein in that one.
BIG: Congrats to you and Mrs. McLargeHuge.
But have you ever thought about maybe changing your name to Bolt Vanderhuge, Thick McRunfast, or maybe even the ever popular Bob Johnson… )

Ghosted by citygirl @ 06/15/2007 2:03 PM EDT

Sorry for the double post, but how hot is it in Florida now? We hit 107 in Vegas yesterday. BLAH! I still feel sticky!

Ghosted by citygirl @ 06/15/2007 2:05 PM EDT

9-Line – The December 2006 edition of Outside magazine has an article entitled “The Zero-G Spot” dedicated to one man’s quest to get laid in space. The online counterpart to the article can be found here: http://outside.away.com/outside/culture/200612/michael-behar-interview.html

Bill – Sucks about Mitch, huh? He died very near April Fool’s Day, so I thought it was a joke when I heard it. It took a month of reading about his death to finally convince me that he had moved on to that big Doubletree in the sky.

Shanfu – The Professor. He’s been stranded on a desert island before, so he knows the ropes. Any man that can repair a busted radio with some palm fronds and a fucking coconut can shipwreck with me any day. If I can’t have him, I’ll take Evangeline Lilly. She also has desert island experience, and even if she can’t do anything useful I still get to be stranded on a desert island with Evangeline Lilly.

Tutsuro – Glad you liked the line. I hope to start writing for Hallmark in the fall.

Ghosted by Chris @ 06/15/2007 2:06 PM EDT

I’d prefer to be on a boat with an Army squadron. With 50 pairs of air-tight BTU’s on board that’s surely enough to float me home.

I know I make myself out to be a slob on X-E, considering 90%+ of my posts have something to do with food, but taking a look at my myspace immediately proves otherwise, but on my hunt for Java Monsters I came across Dill Pickle (David brand) sunflower seeds and I’m not sure what I think about these yet. Oh, and still no luck finding the Java Monsters…

Ghosted by fistpittingnork @ 06/15/2007 2:06 PM EDT

“slob” = “fat slob”, and no offense to anybody suffering from obesity, I just mean I make myself out to be the stereotypical fat slob..

I’ll shut up now.

Ghosted by fistpittingnork @ 06/15/2007 2:12 PM EDT

Meepy – Why is Sea World boring? You never expounded. Keep in mind that I would rather watch the deep ocean episode of Planet Earth and read about studies in octopus personalities than ride a roller coaster.

Also, you may have spent part of your life in PA, but I’ve never lived anywhere else. My mom lives in Lancaster, I grew up in DuBois…I’m quite familiar with the Amish, not in a “I went to a tourist trap and bought a book” way, but in a “I went to their doctors” kind of way. I’m prepared for the stench, it’s a small price to pay for my survival!

Ghosted by Jessica Marie @ 06/15/2007 2:25 PM EDT

Dill pickle flavor sounds bad, but tastes stupendous. I like foods that cause conflicts between my senses. Except green ketchup. The eyes won that battle. And as far as the shipwreck thing goes are we keeping it to real people or characters? Becuase I would so trade both the mythbusters for Omega Supreme. That way I get a rocket AND a tank.

Ghosted by 9-Line @ 06/15/2007 3:02 PM EDT

I don’t know how hot it is in Florida now, but I know when I lived in Vegas that at least there it got cool or cold some of the time, forget about that in Florida.

If you prefer seeing a whale splash you with water and see a buncha fish behind glass, then by all means, I suppose Sea World is good for that. Me, I wouldn’t travel farther than Baltimore to see fish. But again, I’ve spent most of my life in Miami, surrounded by fish, and making a gazillion trips to all the parks in Florida.

As for the Amish, I remember when they crowded our small State building in Harrisburg for a hearing and while it was quite an experience to see them all march off into the distance afterwards (and wonder how they were getting back to Lancaster), the smell in the building took quite a while to dissipate. I could find other ways to survive.

Ghosted by meepy @ 06/15/2007 3:04 PM EDT

I guess that smell would traumatize anyone. As far as Sea World, how can I *not* go? a)I love marine life b) the last time I was there I was 7 and 3) If Florida is as hot as you say, I will enjoy nothing more than being drenched by a captive killer whale and having it evaporate for awhile. But I do appreciate the input.

Ghosted by Jessica Marie @ 06/15/2007 3:42 PM EDT

You have a point about the heat and the drenching…though knowing that it rains so much in Florida, you can probably expect that anyway! Free Willy!

Ghosted by meepy @ 06/15/2007 3:45 PM EDT

Citygirl: It’s tempting, but Big fits. If I were to change my name, I’d stick to my fake heritage and go with Gristle McThornbody. But I’m glad that you and Kingklash got the reference.

Ghosted by Big McLargehuge @ 06/15/2007 4:00 PM EDT

And here I was going to say congrats to you and Dr. Lady. (Congrats for real, not just as an excuse to make MST references!)
LOL Chris I was going to put Sawyer on the top of my list. So we could start a book club, of course.
Speaking of YTMND (in the article), this cracked me up (spoilers): http://lostsopranosending.ytmnsfw.com/

Ghosted by squee4242 @ 06/15/2007 4:14 PM EDT

“He triiied to kill me with a forklift! Ole’!“

Ghosted by kingklash @ 06/15/2007 4:23 PM EDT

Big McLargehuge

After several “man-related” accidents during my BMX days my friends started calling me Slap Nutz, but after the whole Big McLargehuge and etc.. references, they started calling me “Crunch Buttsteaks” or something like that, which I think is from the whole Mystery Science Theater name calling.

Ghosted by fistpittingnork @ 06/15/2007 4:25 PM EDT

Sorry for the double post, again, but this is an incredibly busy Friday and I really shouldn’t be here, but in reference to my above post, I was going no where with that, I just thought Big McLargehuge might appreciate it.

Ghosted by fistpittingnork @ 06/15/2007 4:27 PM EDT

Nork: Watch MST3K “Space Mutiny”. You will never be the same again. I just have to say I love X-E because I have never known ANYONE to get any MST3K refs. EVER! I..dont..feel alone.. anymore!!

Ghosted by citygirl @ 06/15/2007 4:34 PM EDT

Shaunfu- take Martha Stewart or Heloise. They could both make being kept fed much easier.

Ghosted by kb @ 06/15/2007 4:34 PM EDT

“Put your helmet on! We will be reaching speeds of…3!” Sorry Im done now.

Ghosted by Anonymous @ 06/15/2007 4:43 PM EDT

citygirl

I tried to make sure I had all episodes burned to DVD’s and I thought I’ve seen them all, but this episode doesn’t sound familiar to me so I’ll make sure I have it burned and then I’ll make sure I watch it.

I love Mystery Science Theater and I’m a huge fan of sarcastic name calling (seeing a scrawny white kid with his arms bowed out automatically makes me pop off the comment “Get ‘em there, Buff McStuff!”) so it sounds like this one might be at the top of my fav list, perhaps making #2 underneath the Manos: Hands of Fate episode, which is one of my favorite movies of all time, with or without MST3k’s influence.

Ghosted by fistpittingnork @ 06/15/2007 4:47 PM EDT

Favorite MST3K of all time? “Time of the Apes” hands down….but I must check out “Space Mutiny”….

Ghosted by Shuanfu @ 06/15/2007 4:57 PM EDT

Strange that Mitch Hedberg would come up here- I was watching a special of his last night.
Kindof on the subject, there was a line in Seinfeld, where Kramer said “These comedians, they’re sick people!”, and it seems to be true. Why does it seem so many comedians are wrapped up in problems? Psychological disorders, way into drugs, suicide. I remember when I found out Richard Jeni killed himself a few months ago. It was terrible. Same goes for Mitch.
Its so unfortunate.

Ghosted by Tutsuro @ 06/15/2007 5:02 PM EDT

At Subway, ducks eat free.

Fruit on the bottom, Hope on top.

Hey look, it’s a frog!

Mitch was a favorite.

Ghosted by kingklash @ 06/15/2007 5:25 PM EDT

What really bothers me is the comedians who won’t kill themselves. I mean, Mitch Hedberg, a true comedian and a really great guy, is dead and gone, but we can’t get a shotgun barrel or lethal overdose down the throats of Wanda Sykes or Carlos Mencia. The world’s just not fair, I tell ya.

Ghosted by Chris @ 06/15/2007 5:36 PM EDT

To be honest matt, I’m jealous of your cruise and can’t contribute to this convo.

Ghosted by Muchacha @ 06/17/2007 3:44 PM EDT

I fucking own a website that on most days, is more popular than your own, yet I can’t match the aweseomeness of your cruise. Go Matt. Real fan here. Sorry, blame it on the cheap wine.

Ghosted by Dawn dead @ 06/17/2007 3:45 PM EDT

Absinthe. I rarely go anywhere without it myself. However, if you really don’t like the taste, mix less in, with more sugar. Fuck the cubes. Pour in as much (or as little) sugar as you want/need. Also, it stirs in faster if you are of the impatient sort who would otherwise have to start the cube melting on your second glass before you’ve sipped from your first.
Also, as an aside, many of the swiss white absinthes aren’t quite as anise-y, and a little easier on your taste buds. I’ve not had sebor, but it appears to be a czech absinthe, which generally translates into lighter fluid. Do a little shopping online, find something from switzerland or france. People more in the know (read: have more money to try different things) have indicated that there ARE some decent czechs out there, but they’re few and far between.
Regardless, it’s such a pain to get it in this country these days, but sadly I don’t see that changing anytime soon.

Ghosted by josh @ 06/18/2007 2:00 PM EDT

Best article you ever wrote, Matt. Been reading your site for a few years; made a comment or two about your hatred of gobots and the undeniable excellence of shin ramyeon…anyways this is the best one I’ve read, and I’ve read quite a few…hope to see more like this in the future.

Ghosted by Michael @ 06/18/2007 3:12 PM EDT

good to see you back again. i was getting more and more frustrated checking back for new stuff.

i did get a cool link to retrocrush. great site.

not on par though. hehehehe

Ghosted by Ralph @ 06/18/2007 8:52 PM EDT

In the article you mentioned memories of Niagara Falls. I spent Memorial Day there. Let’s just say the crowds were so huge that I spent the entire two days in there pressed up against my female companion. Why was she in front of me? Because she discovered early on that the lines were an excuse for random tourists to try to “inadvertently” rape you with their large cameras. So she stood in front of me starting with the Maid of the Mist and giggled her way through the line as every tourist on the face of the earth ended up trying to penetrate my rear end. Oh, those memories will never end! :X

Ghosted by JK @ 06/19/2007 10:32 AM EDT

Awhile back someone mentioned “things” that can, umm, go up a guy’s urinary tract if he pees in rivers. I think I heard about those on Animal Planet’s “The Most Extreme”. I think it’s a type of small fish or worm (I forget what exactly too) that lives in the Amazon or someplace tropical, and…yeah, sometimes apparently they’ll call Mr. Happy home. Like I said, this is in the Amazon, but leeches are just about everywhere… Somehow water sex doesn’t sound quite so inviting to me. Oh yeah, that reminds me about blood flukes-they can enter both man and woman through your FEET. I’ll only ask you to turn to Wikipedia to find out more about those little horrors because then I’d be curled up in a quivering ball for the rest of the day. I just remembered why I don’t like going in the water that much…

Ghosted by Andrew @ 06/20/2007 6:30 PM EDT

Another epic review… I’ve been thinking about going on a cruise. All those fat white asses though… I don’t know if I can handle all the jean-shorts.

Ghosted by Coltyhuxx @ 06/21/2007 8:13 PM EDT

Jean Shorts. You mean the pants that turn into shorts? Cause I have that.

Ghosted by Sam @ 06/22/2007 1:58 PM EDT

Oh, here’s the Wikipedia article about those wondeful love bugs. Complete with a picture of them doing what they do best (besides smacking into windshields).

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love_bug

Ghosted by Andrew @ 06/23/2007 2:50 PM EDT

Hey Matt great artical ! cool pics! seeing your last pic i am sure it made the whole cruise worth it!!
i learned about the joys of a good cuban cigar when a friend and i took a one day road trip from iowa to canada just to get some cigars!
glad to have ya back
jay B

Ghosted by jay @ 06/29/2007 2:46 AM EDT

I just went on a Norweigan Cruise: The Pride of Hawaii. It was excellent, and our food was always delicious, even in the buffet.

Ghosted by Anna @ 06/29/2007 1:48 PM EDT

Nice article! I read the whole thing. I’ve never been on a cruise, but I’ve always wanted to go!

Ghosted by Daniel L. @ 01/13/2009 3:42 AM EST

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