As a child, I spent a lot of time at my best friend's house across the street -- seemingly as much time as I spent in my own house. As such, I grew to know his family almost as an extension of mine...his uncles were my uncles and his cousins were my cousins.

At the tender age of five, and I swear I remember this, my "in" with his family worked wonders. One early afternoon, I pranced across the street onto his property as I so often did, and caught a glimpse of one of his aunts giving my friend and his two brothers each a Transformers "mini-car" -- the smallest of the original figures, like Bumblebee and Cliffjumper and what have you. Jealousy burned my soul as I approached the porch, but unbelievably, his aunt got me one, too! I always wondered why I bothered to call his aunt Rose "Aunt Rose" when she really wasn't my aunt...now it was all clear.

The figure she got me (or at least, the last figure left after everyone else called dibs) was named Huffer. Huffer wasn't an incredibly important character on the cartoon, but he was free, so who gave a fuck. Easy to transform and perfectly pocket-sized, Huffer would go on to become one of my favorite action figures ever. He came with me everywhere, even after losing a few limbs. I mention this only because some of the new Transformers toys totally recapture the magic of the "small and simple" Autobot, and I'm glad that a new generation of kids will know what it feels like to have a robot close to their groin even when they're being forced to tagalong on Home Depot lumber runs. Meet "Spy Shot 6," one of the new "Real Gear Robots!"

(click here to see the packaged version in camera mode)
Transforming from a simple digital camera into a simple robot, Spy Shot 6 is the kind of toy that I can easily see kids carrying around forever and ever. The robot looks almost generic, and that lends itself to play sessions that went far beyond the mere struggle between Autobots and Decepticons. In effect, this kind of toy becomes a kid's new little robot friend -- a mechanical imp, meant less to engage in war and more to help get those pestilent little straws into Capri Sun pouches on the power of animism and hand support.

Some of the "Real Gear Robots" are bigger and more intricate, but the best ones aren't. My favorite action figures never forced me to adhere to loyalties and personas set by a cartoon or movie. Instead, they were the ones with origins I got to completely make up on my own. I honestly don't know if Spy Shot 6 is an "official" character or something they made up just for the toy collection, but it doesn't matter. If you've got him in your pocket, he's not concerned with energon cubes or Megatron's master plan. He just wants to come to the zoo with you and pretend to photograph zebras even though he really can't.

While I'm on the topic, I've been really blown away by all of the new Transformers movie toys. They have a distinct flavor about them -- Hasbro is definitely positioning them more as "standard action figures" than traditional Transformers, even though they share the intricacies and gimmicks. Example being the new Starscream figure, which in size and shape is an absolutely perfect third wheel for any dinner dates between Donatello and Spirit World Aang. I've never been into the Tranny toys that felt more like puzzles than figures, so these new ones are aces.

Spy Shot 6 ran me seven bucks, which is the primary reason for this online petition.

In other news, remember that Big Red gum scandal I posted about a while back? You know, the one where a hundred people called me stupid for not realizing that the money shot of a white-striped piece of holy gum in all of those old Big Red commercials was actually meant to represent a stick of Dentyne? Click here for a refresher.

It just so happens that I own a pack of both the original Big Red and the original Dentyne gum, if for no other reason than to be the only person on the planet who does. With these artifacts, we can draw a few conclusions.

First, a screengrab from one of the old ads:

And below...chewable evidence!

Yup, it's pretty clear that the "tiny" gum was meant to represent Dentyne, which couldn't hold a candle to Big Red's ENORMOUS size. The curveball is that the gum shown in the commercial wasn't based on an actual stick of Dentyne, but rather, its packaging. And while the world weeps with the knowledge that there has never existed a gum with the white stripe as shown in the ads, it's good to finally reach a catharsis on this issue.

Interestingly, the particular pack of old Dentyne I have boasts its new "bigger sticks," which is almost certainly in direct response to all of the bad press they received from the Big Red people. I'd feel stupid for covering something so trivial, but I just turned on CNN and learned that Paris Hilton took a shit shaped like the leg lamp from A Christmas Story. I can drone on about gum if I want.

Posted by Matt on 06/11/2007. E-mail me!