The only way I'm going to get out of this not-writing rut is by calling the shot and forcing my hand, so, I solemnly swear to post a new article by Tuesday night. It's going to be about the cruise, and chances are good that the article will be a big old mess. Unlike the Disney review, where every picture was worth a thousand words, here I'm finding that the pictures aren't worth more than seven words. Seriously, I've got pictures of neon blue martinis, and of people lining up for a taco buffet, and of poker chips on an ugly bedspread...and that's pretty much it. I'm going to have to scan my boarding pass just to prove that I really went on a cruise.

I also have another article that I started writing over a month ago and got about 65% finished. In the spirit of penance, maybe I'll gut whatever's outdated and finish that too. Not willing to bold tag any deadline promises on that one, though. Come to think of it, there's another article that's similarly half-finished and has been sitting that way for almost five months now. Maybe I'll do that too. Or maybe I'll spend the week painting wicker baskets with checkerboard themes. Life is full of surprises -- like free magic markers that look like syringes.

It was nearly impossible to resist buying Re-Animator on DVD, because aside from it being a pretty great movie featuring a scene where a disembodied head tries to rape a chick, the DVD also comes with a free, limited edition, exclusive, never-before-seen highlighter shaped like a syringe. It's been a while since I'd seen the movie in full, and it really holds up as one of the most must-see trash horror flicks of the '80s. You'll rarely find subject matter so disturbing and stupid approached with such passion. Re-Animator has a reputation, but it's not so immense that everyone' has seen it. If you're one of the skippers, stop it. See it once. Preferably if the opportunity comes with the side dish of a complimentary novelty highlighter. Can't wait to comb Moby Dick for the e-word.

Got this one at Best Buy, along with The Golden Girls Season 4. Carrying those two DVDs up to the checkout woman at least helped annihilate what might've otherwise been some underlying sexual tension between vendor and client.

In other news, I've slowly been planning a revamp to my office, because it is a fucking disaster area, and because now that I've gone freelance, more time is going to be spent at home. I can't bring myself to throw anything out, but at the same time, I'm picking up various things and can't help but wonder why I "need" to own them. Does anyone really "need" three incomplete "Bigfoot" board games from Milton Bradley? Maybe, but can you say the same for a bottle of salad dressing from 1987? Just you try it.

Yup, it's Kraft's "Creamy Cucumber" reduced calorie dressing, sealed, with an expiration date of 3/4/1987. (Which means it's most likely from 1986, but let's be conservative.) Incredibly, the gunk inside doesn't look at all soured, to the point where I'd be willing to tempt fate and smell the goods if there was a good enough reason to unplug the bottle. Personally, I find the fact that I've probably got the oldest sealed bottle of salad dressing on the planet far too attractive to unscrew the top on a mere macabre fascination with what the contents might smell like.

I know X-E has some younger readers, and if you're one of them, consider this: This bottle of salad dressing is older than you! Wow. Brainfreeze.

In any event, "Creamy Cucumber" dressing, especially a "lite" version of it, is pretty close to the most disgusting thing I can think of. I hate cucumbers. If I had a nickel for every tiny cucumber frisbee I've pulled from a salad bowl, I'd be king of the nickel people.

Sopranos finale spoiler: Everybody dies except Rosalie Aprile, who spends the final twelve minutes of the episode singing "Tainted Love" with an intentionally bad Irish accent. Word on the street is that this sets up the spinoff show, The Sopranros, which is a pretty clever title if you give it a chance.

Posted by Matt on 06/10/2007. E-mail me!