X-Entertainment's Christmas Season & Advent Calendar, 2008.

06/10/2007: Markers that look like syringes, and old salad dressing.

The only way I’m going to get out of this not-writing rut is by calling the shot and forcing my hand, so, I solemnly swear to post a new article by Tuesday night. It’s going to be about the cruise, and chances are good that the article will be a big old mess. Unlike the Disney review, where every picture was worth a thousand words, here I’m finding that the pictures aren’t worth more than seven words. Seriously, I’ve got pictures of neon blue martinis, and of people lining up for a taco buffet, and of poker chips on an ugly bedspread…and that’s pretty much it. I’m going to have to scan my boarding pass just to prove that I really went on a cruise.

I also have another article that I started writing over a month ago and got about 65% finished. In the spirit of penance, maybe I’ll gut whatever’s outdated and finish that too. Not willing to bold tag any deadline promises on that one, though. Come to think of it, there’s another article that’s similarly half-finished and has been sitting that way for almost five months now. Maybe I’ll do that too. Or maybe I’ll spend the week painting wicker baskets with checkerboard themes. Life is full of surprises — like free magic markers that look like syringes.

It was nearly impossible to resist buying Re-Animator on DVD, because aside from it being a pretty great movie featuring a scene where a disembodied head tries to rape a chick, the DVD also comes with a free, limited edition, exclusive, never-before-seen highlighter shaped like a syringe. It’s been a while since I’d seen the movie in full, and it really holds up as one of the most must-see trash horror flicks of the ’80s. You’ll rarely find subject matter so disturbing and stupid approached with such passion. Re-Animator has a reputation, but it’s not so immense that everyone’ has seen it. If you’re one of the skippers, stop it. See it once. Preferably if the opportunity comes with the side dish of a complimentary novelty highlighter. Can’t wait to comb Moby Dick for the e-word.

Got this one at Best Buy, along with The Golden Girls Season 4. Carrying those two DVDs up to the checkout woman at least helped annihilate what might’ve otherwise been some underlying sexual tension between vendor and client.

In other news, I’ve slowly been planning a revamp to my office, because it is a fucking disaster area, and because now that I’ve gone freelance, more time is going to be spent at home. I can’t bring myself to throw anything out, but at the same time, I’m picking up various things and can’t help but wonder why I “need” to own them. Does anyone really “need” three incomplete “Bigfoot” board games from Milton Bradley? Maybe, but can you say the same for a bottle of salad dressing from 1987? Just you try it.

Yup, it’s Kraft’s “Creamy Cucumber” reduced calorie dressing, sealed, with an expiration date of 3/4/1987. (Which means it’s most likely from 1986, but let’s be conservative.) Incredibly, the gunk inside doesn’t look at all soured, to the point where I’d be willing to tempt fate and smell the goods if there was a good enough reason to unplug the bottle. Personally, I find the fact that I’ve probably got the oldest sealed bottle of salad dressing on the planet far too attractive to unscrew the top on a mere macabre fascination with what the contents might smell like.

I know X-E has some younger readers, and if you’re one of them, consider this: This bottle of salad dressing is older than you! Wow. Brainfreeze.

In any event, “Creamy Cucumber” dressing, especially a “lite” version of it, is pretty close to the most disgusting thing I can think of. I hate cucumbers. If I had a nickel for every tiny cucumber frisbee I’ve pulled from a salad bowl, I’d be king of the nickel people.

Sopranos finale spoiler: Everybody dies except Rosalie Aprile, who spends the final twelve minutes of the episode singing “Tainted Love” with an intentionally bad Irish accent. Word on the street is that this sets up the spinoff show, The Sopranros, which is a pretty clever title if you give it a chance.

This is my “first” first ever. I like cucumbers but making them into a dressing sounds diabolical. Where did you find a 20 year old bottle of salad dressing anyway?

I find that highlighter impossible to not own, but I never use highlighters. Being a person who hates clutter and attempts to live somewhat simply (while still using deodorant), I am way tempted by too many of your posts.
Have fun cleaning out your office, and welcome back to Freelance Writing From Home. I love it so much I’m taking the month off.

I was cleaning out the pantry at the grandparents house and found a bottle of BBQ sauce that was a proud sponser of the 1988 Olympics. I wish I kept it but that was before I knew someone would actually want it.

It’s funny, my mom has pudding mix from 1978, seven years before I was born… I still love to have it around, it’s like some kind of guardian or big brother to me, maybe I’ll even eat some of it sometime.

I have the same question as the first poster: Where did that bottle come from?
Cucumber dressing does indeed sound disgusting, but then I thought about delicious gyros. The white sauce you put on those is basically cucumber dressing, right?
Oh, and the phrase “king of the nickel people” cracked me up. Better copyright it, Matt, or Disney will have a full-length animated feature based on it before you can day “Darby O’Gill.”

That Salad Dressing’s only a year or two younger than me. Wow. I have no idea why I felt like I needed to mention that.

One time I found a decade old can of X-men pasta in my mom’s pantry. I kind’a wish I had kept it. I don’t really know why I needed to mention that, either >.>

Looking forward to the new articles. Also I was inspired by the article on the horror convention to get to the one in Dallas at the end of the month. A lot of big names will be there, but I’m really going to see all the merchandise.

way cool highlighter, the movie rocks, but I still havent seen the sequels. Oh well.

Good to hear/see your voice/words Matt. The absence of articles is sad, but at least you still WANT to keep doing them, right?

Don’t do it for us…do it for you. Do what you like. Even with no new articles, I’m still hear every day.

Anybody seen “In a Galaxy Far Far Away”? Its like the movie “Trekkies” but not as good. It was obviously done on a camcorder with no external mic hooked up…but that’s not the reason I don’t like it. It didn’t give you one character that you could totally hate, like that kid in Trekkies. Although it did make Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Carolla look like dicks. So that’s cool.

Adam Corolla is a god. Well, demi-god. Adam Sessler and Mr. T are better. Corolla has nostalgia appeal. I used to listen to Loveline religiously. I stopped after he left. Imagine that.

I guess I’m that one poster that says that the dressing is older than I am. Granted, its expiration date was 19 days before I was born (March 23), but like Matt said, it is probably from 1986.

Speaking of old things in a pantry, I still have 2 1.5 Liter bottles of Vailla Coke that expired in December of 2005. Now that they’ve resurrected it…I guess there’s no sense in keeping them anymore, but I might keep one just for the old label (but I’ll probably either empty or drink the contents eventually).

Also…when is the main page going to be updated? I’ve known that you’ve owned 3 Leopard Sharks for literally 3 months now. How are they doing, anyway?

I remember a girl in elementary school bringing a tupperware container of cucumbers and this dressing every day to school. Not that I am sure it isn’t good, but when you are nine you want snack packs and fritos in a bag, not that.
Looking forward to the articles.

I have a pen shaped like a syringe (won it during a scavenger hunt) it’s filled with bright blue liquid. I used it to scare my housemate when he pissed me off too much.

That salad dressing scares me. It seems so unnatural now. I didn’t know that creamy cucumber (calorie reduced or otherwise) was supposed to be brown O_O;

Very often when I go out to eat and they stick cucumbers in the salad I have some temporary mental block where I can’t remember if I like cucumbers or not. So I have to bite into one and spit it out then go back to cutting my cherry tomatoes in half. I can’t stand having cherry tomatoes blowing up in my mouth.

My room’s getting cleaned up, and there’s three huge boxes full of stuff sitting out in the living room now. Some of it is marked for storage like my collection of Peeps merchandise but most of it is shit I’ll need to get back in here somehow. I might need to knock down some walls and build a secret storage room for plushies and Hugga Bunch goodies.

45 more minutes (though the time stamp will probably screw me). I’ll be back, with SPOILERS and rants in tow.

Just hope you can continue with your Halloween tradition. I’m sure motivation will kick in by that time.

I think that I might have to get that DVD just for the high-lighter. Sure Iâ€™ve had my eye on some Starcom stuff on eBay and I owe my mom around sixty dollars but man, thatâ€™s one cool highlighter. And yes, that damned creamy cucumber salad dressing is older than meâ€¦ fuck you creamy cucumber salad dressing! Think youâ€™re so coolâ€¦

Matt, I look forward to these coming articles with great anticipation. Now donâ€™t worry if you donâ€™t make the Tuesday deadline, Iâ€™ll still love you and I pray no negative Nancyâ€™s swoop down upon you. Be strong Mathew, be strongâ€¦

Can’t believe The Sopranos ends tonight. I remember watching this show with friends I haven’t seen in years. I remember watching the famous Pine Barrens episode up in Maine just before the most hideously long car ride trip home ever. I remember delighting and annoying all with my stunning recreation of the “Melfi rape scream” at least a hundred times while drunk. I remember the ten thousand appearances of lower-tier stars at local stores and restaurant openings, since many of them live nearby. And I’ll always remember, even during shitty seasons, that little rush of adrenaline that came whenever Tony got out of his stupid car in the opening credits, signaling that I was about to sit through another sixty minutes of God knows what.

This season (well, this half of a season) has been really good, too. All cylinders are a go.

Me: Oh, definitely. I’m clearing my freelance calendar in October and December. Though I have to admit, it feels almost dumb to write so much during October and so little during the rest of the year.

I’m not a cucumber fan ever. However, in my very Polish family, several people enjoy mixing cucumbers with sour cream and making them into a salad. I think it’s sour cream anyway, I’ll hope to God it’s not mayo because that would be even worse somehow.

The one Polish resturant we sometimes go to also offers this ‘treat’ as a side. For my part, I always go with salad, and pull the little veggies out

I must be weird; I like cucumbers. Of course, I like most vegetables (except olives), so take that as you will. That salad dressing didn’t sound like such a bad idea to me in 1987. Now…it’s still a good idea, but not one I’d actually open.

Am I the only one here besides Matt that is older than the dressing (birthdate October 25, 1984)? I also don’t like cucumbers, but I don’t really know when that started.
I am also be the only one who is not much interested in the Sopranos finale; I don’t have cable, so I’ve never seen a single episode, and I don’t really have the inclination to seek them out.

Matt, is that cat hair on the bottle of dressing or is it so old the glass is molding?

By the way, try to watch this and not laugh. I lasted all the way to ‘with my golf friends.’ Seriously. No laughing.

That salad dressing is too gross! I’m only slightly older than it by a few months.

For the writing rut: have you tried reading other people’s articles about pop culture stuff lately? A friend of mine says she does that when she’s in a rut and it really helps get her motivated (no matter what she’s writing about). I think I speak for everyone when I say we miss your articles!

Don’t worry Thomas, I was 2 months shy of 6 when Creamy Cucumber decided to expire.
You know, I’ve only ever seen 1 complete episode of the Sopranos and it was also the Pine Barrens episode. Of course my dad used to work in the Piney’s so we laughed our asses off at all the inaccuracies.
Can’t wait for the new articles Matt. I’ve been needing good reading material while I slack at work!

I don’t know about any of you, but I’m seriously disappointed with the Sopranos finale…

Thank you, Ann. As to the Pine Barrens, I know virtually nothing about them; I am from California, and have been no further east than eight miles east of Blackburn, Missouri. It was my grandparents’ farm and there was nothing but corn and soy fields for miles in every direction.

Matt- You are living my dream, being able to freelance write from home for a living. Wow. I have just recently started to get serious about my writing (this involves working at a bookstore in the day, reading as much as possible for free, and writing as much as I can at when not at said bookstore.) I gave up “real” jobs so I could have more time to write. Keep living the dream, man.

213. I’m not done with everything, but I had to get it off my plate. It was bugging me. I’ll go back to it later, like I did with X.

I know I’m the guy who has been bitching for about 2.5 seasons, I know I am. Squee is right, I am THAT guy. But tonight just seemed to leave the right amount open, and get done what needed to be done.

LOVED AJ realizing that ‘hey, the world ain’t okay, but it’s aiight”
LOVED Phil getting his punk-ass skull runover. Even if I didn’t get to see it.
LOVED The tension and “no payoff” of the last scene.
LOVED The “black out” and dead silence.

I know I’m gonna look like an idiot for asking this, and once I know the answer, I’m sure I’ll realize what an idiot I am, but… “the e-word?” What e-word? Am I missing something? (I feel confident that I am missing something, but I still want to know what, exactly.)

Anyway, I look forward to articles. The salad dressing looks a little scary to me, and don’t worry, boring pictures are pretty much the perfect thing to convince me you were on a cruise. Everyone who goes on a cruise brings back boring pictures. No matter how exciting the photographed events were at the time, the pictures may as well be of a wake.

I loved the final episode, did not love the “Wait…what happened?” at the end.

I bought that of the Re-Animator DVD, some weeks ago. Although I’ve never the movie before, I didn’t regret buying it. I’ll swear that I’ll never use the marker. It will stay in his plastic wrap and if someone dares using it, I’ll rip his head off.

Cucumber dressing seems gross. Itâ€™s reminding me when I found a Pogo’s corndog mix in my mom’s food safe. I think it was older than me; I was 5 when I found it. I guess my mom threw it away when she made a big cleaning of the food safe, a couple of years ago.

Sorry for the double post but it is X-E related so I doubt Matt would mind.
I’ve accidentally broken through the social conciousness (sorta) ! At least Matt was citied as a source. Click my name.

On more relevant topics:
1.Good to have you back, Matt.
2. Never had HBO thus never seen any SOPRANOS episodes.

3. Wow. I guess there are a lot of youngins on here. I was 7 when it expired.
4. Love the ReAnimator but thumbsdown on The BRide of ReAnimator.
5. Can you tell school’s out and this teacher has got nothing but time on his hands??? (until next month’s arrival anyway).

Loved the ending and hope I’m not in the minority. This is one case where I’d prefer things left to the imagination — either of the two possible extremes would’ve seemed almost flat. (And the happier of the two extremes would’ve been totally flat.)

Especially loved Pauly’s ongoing thing with the cat. The transition from broom-as-cat-demolisher into everyday-sweeping had me rolling.

I sooo forgot about the broom!!! ROFL.
I hope people appreciate them fucking with us at the end. It only seemed fair. Jeff Mack didn’t, but what are ya gonna do?

I’m watching this program on the History channel about how the world is going to end. I love these dooms day prophecy shows. Does that make me a bad person?

Woo-hoo! I’m eight years older than than bottle of salad dressing. I once chewed a piece of bubble gum from 1978. It tasted like dusty cardboard, and it disintegrated in my mouth. I thought I would share that with you all. Anyway, good to have you back Matt!

So, I’ve seen every season of The Sopranos but this one. No HBO for me. I know I could have downloaded it ep. by ep., but I have a thing about getting shows any other way but by season. I’ve been waiting for the Soprano’s and The Shield with much anticiapation.

Matt- I wouldn’t worry about the October and December writing thing. I only learned about X-E two years ago. First thing I did was to read the Halloween and X-mas archives. Even if I hadn’t had an interest in everything else X-E, I’d still look forward to those holiday seasons here. I’ll take blog posts over articles any day, if it means that I have two months of the year to anticipate.

And I’m not sure it’s worth it, man. All the creamy cucumber dressing I’ve seen is white. I think you might be putting your life at risk here.

i loved creamy cucumber dressing! i grew up with it in PA, but ever since i moved to CA 10 years ago i haven’t been able to find it. creamy-cucumber-hating californians!

That dressing is older than both of my kid siblings.
Sorry K-! I was trying to fix my brain after it was broken by all the awesome:
***Sopranos Spoilers Sopranos Spoilers***
I adored the ending! SOOO satisfied. It and this whole last mini season have been so perfectly fitting with all the glory days. My heart stopped when it cut to black.
Some of the other highlights from these last eps, and by highlights I don’t mean stuff that was cool necessarily but just “holy crap this is an amazing show” moments:
~the Monopoly game of repressed dysfunction.
~Paulie and Tony’s little boat trip.
~Basically everything Christopher. I literally screamed at the TV when he shot JT, and his death is one of the standout moments of the whole series, IMO. And Tony’s little “trip” out West, where he finally gets to do what he always wanted to do and resented Chris for suspecting him of was just so cold.
~ AJ’s suicide attempt. Irritating as he is, I love the little whiner and I couldn’t stand to see him go like that.
~Tony’s final conversation with Melfi. That shot of them at the end, with the doors between them? Perfect. And Tony thinking it’s all about the Departures magazine…LOL.
~Agent Harris gettin’ himself a piece…and then passing pillow talk on to Tony!
~Sil’s hospital bed hair.
~The cat! And Tony bitching that they could have built a shrine to the Virgin, LOL. I love that we got some classic Paulie hilarity in the midst of the crazy suspense.
~That ending. Sudden cut to black, does life go on? Or does someone come out from the bathroom with more than just his dick in his hand and does Meadow get a reason to be grateful she can’t parallel park? And if it’s not tonight, will it be tomorrow? One way or another, the sword is going to fall, and we’ve always known it so they don’t need to show it. People are gonna hate on it, but it’s totally better that they left it to the imagination.
***End Sopranos Spoilers***

I’m so glad you liked it Squee, because my dad and I did a complete 180. I was displeased for a long time, loved this episode, and he was happy for a long time, hated this episode.

I’ll tell you the honest truth, I was expecting this kind of ending from Matrix: Revolutions. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE how Revolutions ends, but I kept waiting and waiting during the Super Burly Brawl for it to go black.

I’m glad I finally got to see that kind of ending used, and so well. I felt it the first time through, but even moreso when I watched it again a little while ago (ON DEMAND, w00t!!) but that last scene is incredibly warm, and it’s a nice juxtaposition to what we were expecting and what they were teasing us with. I loathe Journey but it just WORKED. Plus, I’ve never really liked AJ, but tonight was all about that time when you finally start “living again” after a breakup or the like, and you start to think “hey life is pretty damn okay and I like this moment in time.” Sure, it’s just moment, and the hammer will fall inevitably, but you know that and you’re going to savor that moment.

***Sopranos Spoilers Sopranos Spoilers***
Heh, I was going to say I loved that it was Journey. I would have probably been happy with the ending no matter what, but they really gave it their all. Hard to forget, that’s for sure.
***End Sopranos Spoilers***

Wow, I must have seriously missed something in the Sopranos final episode…I felt like it was very slow moving, and I really wouldn’t have minded coming to my own conclusions, but the black-out ending? No. The entire episode was mediocre at best…I was expecting fireworks.

Jessica Marie - Just out of morbid curiosity, are you going to the Celtic Fling next weekend? o.O;;

maybe i should’ve actually read moby dick back in school and not faked my way through all of my book reports, but inquiring minds must know - and at the risk of sounding like a complete idiot, wtf is teh e-word?!

I’m hava a BA in English and Moby Dick is one of my favorite books, but even I don’t know what Matt is talking about with this “e-word.” Enlighten us with your wisdom, Matt!

hah hah, I am older than the salad dressing also. I’ve got 5 years on it if it was made in 87, 4 if it was made in 86

but It’s great reading you again Matt, it’s been awhile. I’m glad to see you are doing alright.

Matt, Creamy Cucumber dressing is supposed to be white as far as I know, so whatever is in that bottle looks truly frightening

Matt, you should have a yard sale, or an X-E only auction if you ever throw out any stuff. Think about the cash you could rake in for some of that stuff. With the readers on here, I’m sure a vintage 1987 Creamy Cucumber salad dressing would fetch a nice ten dollar bill, if not double that, or triple.

Yuck…I can’t stand cucumbers or even stand to be near them when they are cut open because of the smell.
Here’s a Rural Legend for you (its like an Urban Legend, but it comes from the hills of Kentucky):
I was told that a pig, an animal that eats trash and wallows in its own feces, will not touch a cucumber.
Matt: While I hope you do crank out another article soon, I think you should jump on the TRANSFORMERS bandwagon and post link to a collection of your TRANSFORMERS articles, including that very special article about the day Optimus Prime died.
Just think of all the Google hits you would get!
Plus, if you’re like me and WAY older than the salad dressing (b: 1975), you fondly recall the original Transformers series!
(see how I tried to tie that back in with the salad dressing topic?)
Good SNT stuff for my monday morning reading!

“This salad dressing is older than you!” does not freeze my brain, especially in the context of X-E. Because nothing can scare me after that Hello Kitty… meat? You have been desensitizing us to disgusting, old, and weird food for far too long.

I used to work at an advertising agency and we got a lot of samples of things you could put your logo on, including that syringe highlighter. I always got to keep the samples because everyone else thought they were stupid junk. On that note, since the idea of X-E merchandise has been thrown around now and then, maybe syringe highlighters are a good starting point.

That salad dressing makes me happy. It reminds me of childhood dinners at my grandparents’ house. They always had small tossed salads with dinner and they always bought Kraft dressing. That’s why I love old food packaging (and I love this place even more for proudly featuring old food packaging.)

Am I the only one here besides Matt that is older than the dressing (birthdate October 25, 1984)?

I always got the impression that the majority of us were 26-29. I’m pretty sure there are a lot of 1979 babies around here (including me). Maybe not as many as I thought…

I’m also among those younger than the salad dressing (by a littler over a year). I also hate cucumbers and yet cucumber salad dressing is my favourite kind.

You people are really young…seems there’s just a handful of us who were around when that thing went sour. I was 10.

Wooo! I’m one of those younger people…and I will say that seeing a bottle of salad dressing older than me is very sobering.

I’m older than the dressing! But only by a year, year and a half tops (born Sept. ‘85). But… I’m older than the dressing! Yay!

I wonder if this will come to be a cultural time-marker for X-E:
“Were you born ‘Before Dressing’ or ‘After Dressing’?”
“I can’t remember what year such-and-such 80s movie came out - was it B.D. or A.D.?”

In our little land of mini-memes here on the blog, I must say that I really dig using “B.D.” and “A.D.” as a general age demo survey.

I would be BD. (1978) And I don”t watch Sopranos. I have just never had HBO. But I am not sad about it.

K- -

213 and you aren’t even fully finished? wow. I’ll have to let my friend know at work. He told me the other day how many hours he had already and it wasn’t even 100 I don’t think.

Oh, and before I forget again, I SO have one of those pens! But mine is (was? I dunno where it is right now but I know I didn’t throw it away) filled with red ink, so it looks like blood.

Very cool.

While on the topic of syringes, I have several that we use for Jello Shots at our annual halloween party, but none for writing…

Let’s see, by the time this dressing had expired I was multiplying and dividing, could ride a bike, decided I wanted to be a Top Gun pilot instead of Dale Murphy, hadn’t had an “accident” in 5 years, switched from Happy meals to the McDLT, stopped bring Star Wars figures to church, and saw Commando without being traumatised. But I still thought girls were gross. So I am definitly B.D.

Jessica Marie - Yeah I saw on your MySpace that you go the Ren Faire (which I assume you’re referring to the PA Ren Faire) and they’re having a Celtic Fling next weekend. Should be good…. ale, kilts, wine, music, beer, sheep, whiskey….

Eek, I see BD’s who were born in the 80’s and I still feel old. Could it be there is even a distinction between BD’s? I’d make the cutoff 1980. People born after that, but before the dressing, are Neo-BD’s. Now, I must run, I feel a BM coming on.

I started to watch The Sopranos when it started airing later at night on a Canadain Station, it came on after the Osbournes, but I think after a month the station changed their line-up and I couldn’t find it anymore.

Why this is I don’t know but everytime I look at that Dressing I feel the need to shake it up. It just needs to be shaken!

“Eskimo” appears twice in Moby Dick as the archaic “Esquimaux,” once at the beginning of Chapter 65, “The Whale As A Dish” and again midway through Chapter 101, “The Decanter.” It also includes at least three appearances of the word “ejaculate” in various forms, which my friends and I found hilarious in seventh grade English and which I thought Matt was referring to until I read his post. Way to take the high road on that one, man. Me, I lost all faith in classic literature when we discovered the line “ejaculated the Long Island sailor.” That’s dirty limerick material right there. Especially since the book it comes from is called “Moby Dick.” And it’s about a sperm whale. And this is years before you get into college and start learning about all the homosexual double-entendres.

I’m from about two years BD, but if you read the spoiler section you can tell that my sense of humor is seriously AD.

Mystie - Ah, I get it. Yes, I do go to the fair but I go to the Pittsburgh fair, not the PA one. And Pittsburgh’s doesn’t open for months (For which I am so thankful, there is nothing worse than baking in the sun at the fair). Guess I should get my costume together though.

Ah.. well I still feel like an idiot, as many times as I’ve seen Heathers I should’ve caught the reference anyway

Another B.D. (1980) checking in and in fact I remember having that dressing in the fridge of my grandmother house. That and kraft ranch.. which if I remember correctly had the same kind of label. Why I remember such odd things like dressing lables I have no idea. I don’t remember it tasting bad though, but then again I like cucumbers.

Thomas, I am far older than that salad dressing (1979), and thought it may be sacriligious coming from a New Jersey resident, but I’ve never seen “The Sopranos.” I don’t have HBO.

Oh christ! If the dressing is from 86 it’s the same age as me. And Matt dearest, it should be white, or a mint green color, not brown! Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

Holy cucumbers! I’m roughly 3 years older than the dressing. I…I feel faint…

I was born July 1984. Is it wrong to feel proud of being older than a bottle of long-since-expired dressing? I used to like cucumber dressing, but I’ll never touch it again after this. Blech!

I would love some creamy cucumber dressing, I’ve never seen, nor tried, it, I bet it tastes a lot like ranch, though, yet with a cucumbery twist. With such an, obviously from above, advanced palate, I should work in the food biz.

I really, really want that highlighter. I would never use it and within 2 months I would probably lose it, but I must have it.

My cucumber is older than that dressing. And, as for the subject of vague endings, again I mention “The Prisoner” and “Blake’s 7″ of -the hell? Wha happen’? category. But I also subscribe to the “Nesmith Theory” of TV show existence. All your favorite shows have continued on, the people in them living their lives. We, the viewership, just aren’t privy to their adventures anymore. If you’ve seen the Monkees reunion TV special, you know what I mean.

It must be common for people to keep expired pudding and gelatin. I found a few boxes of 123 Jell-O in my grandma’s pantry recently. I also found cans of Luigi soda and Billy Beer. From now on I will feel a little uneasy eating or drinking anything in her house.

That sopranos spoiler was hysterical. classic. I too find myself purchasing things I don’t need. Maybe not expired salad dressing but batcaves, eternia posters, etc.

I’d like to point out that if that salad dressing were in my possession, that date would be scratched off and the bottle placed in the 3rd floor fridge at work in full view of my desk.

I am also going to start dating all correspondence using B.D. (Before Dressing) and A.D. (After Dressing).

According to The Clothes Have No Emperor by Paul Slansky: the day the creamy cucumber dressing expired, President Reagan acknowledged in his speech to the Tower Commission that the Iran-Contra scandal “Happened on my watch”.

Back in the early ’80’s, when I was in middle school, my great-grandfather died. My great-grandmother needed help in sorting through all the stuff in their house so she could get rid of it and move to an apartment. So my mother volunteered herself and us to help do some of it.

We did the kitchen. Mind you, my great-grandparents lived through the Depression, so they were hoarders. Tons of canned goods, both storebought and home-canned. Of note we found valuable old glass bottles…and ancient food. Specifically, a pizza dough mix from shortly after WWII. Chef Boyardee was young with brown hair. I’m serious! No, it wasn’t useable…it had congealed into a brick. But it was hilarious to find…and hear my great-grandmother’s excuse ‘well you never know when you might need it’!

Checking in at 07-17-1988 A.D. As someone above stated, I feel humbled by the fact that Matt owns a salad dressing that is older than I am.

All the talk of cucumbers in here, and I’m surprised that no one has mentioned Pepsi Ice Cucumber.

i used to work in a grocery store. during a remodel we came across a block of cheese that expired in 1989 (this was in 2002). all i could think to myself was “this cheese has been under the shelf rotting since i was in kindergarten, and i have lived my whole life since then.” if you are wondering - 13 year old cheese looks like slimy thick oily brown goo. it was still shaped like a brick. maybe i should have kept it. peace.

Yikes! That salad dressing looks pretty offensive. I hate cucumbers, too. I would really advise against opening that bottle. God only knows what might come crawling out of it. The contents all look separated, and I’m pretty sure “creamy” salad dressing is supposed to be more solid.

In the mid-to-late 90s we found a bottle of salad dressing from like 1980 at my Grandmas house. No, we didnt try to eat it.

In 2002, while housesitting for my globetrotting grandparents, my wife and I uncovered a box of Jello brand Pistachio Instant Pudding with an expiration date of July 1973, a full 3 years before I was born… The scary part is that we didn’t look through the cupboard all that well. Who knows what evil we may have uncovered…

That’s only about two months older than me, at least going by the expiration date…

I know I’m late to this party, but I have to weigh in on Creamy Cucumber dressing! I absolutely love it and always have. I grew up eating pita bread halves (toasted in a skillet with butter) stuffed with steak-ums, lettuce, and creamy cucumber, and it’s one of the best things I’ve ever eaten in my life.

Though I’m disturbed to see this creamy cucumber dressing is BROWN. I’ve only seen it as white and creamy…so maybe what you have actually is spoiled. They still make it, but it’s hard to find. Rather than just Creamy Cucumber, it’s easier to find Creamy Cucumber Ranch it seems.

My mom’s a nurse and she gets those highlighters by the bucket when she goes to conventions. She thinks they’re cute and gives them to my brother and sister and I. They are the worst highlighters ever.

Hey Matt, finish that frickin’ G.I. Joe figure story you had from a little ways back. It would take a butt-load of pics, but I can’t stand unfinished genius works. ThanX - Beetle

If you ever decide to unscrew the cap, wait until you have a Jones Holiday Soda tasting party and save it for the grand finale.

I remember using that dressing at my grandparents house on Long Island. Wow, that Kraft brings back memories. Thanks.

I, too, have several items of food or drink that are years old and unopened. Several boxes of Jurassic Park and Flintstones cookies. I also have a 14 year old can of Barbasol shaving cream (I’m a big Jurassic Park fan) as well as cans from soda that they no longer make. Oh, and the secret links thing sucks. I want to read the articles but not if I have to back through the archives and read every single article to try and find the links.

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