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06/10/2007: Markers that look like syringes, and old salad dressing.

The only way I’m going to get out of this not-writing rut is by calling the shot and forcing my hand, so, I solemnly swear to post a new article by Tuesday night. It’s going to be about the cruise, and chances are good that the article will be a big old mess. Unlike the Disney review, where every picture was worth a thousand words, here I’m finding that the pictures aren’t worth more than seven words. Seriously, I’ve got pictures of neon blue martinis, and of people lining up for a taco buffet, and of poker chips on an ugly bedspread…and that’s pretty much it. I’m going to have to scan my boarding pass just to prove that I really went on a cruise.

I also have another article that I started writing over a month ago and got about 65% finished. In the spirit of penance, maybe I’ll gut whatever’s outdated and finish that too. Not willing to bold tag any deadline promises on that one, though. Come to think of it, there’s another article that’s similarly half-finished and has been sitting that way for almost five months now. Maybe I’ll do that too. Or maybe I’ll spend the week painting wicker baskets with checkerboard themes. Life is full of surprises — like free magic markers that look like syringes.


It was nearly impossible to resist buying Re-Animator on DVD, because aside from it being a pretty great movie featuring a scene where a disembodied head tries to rape a chick, the DVD also comes with a free, limited edition, exclusive, never-before-seen highlighter shaped like a syringe. It’s been a while since I’d seen the movie in full, and it really holds up as one of the most must-see trash horror flicks of the ’80s. You’ll rarely find subject matter so disturbing and stupid approached with such passion. Re-Animator has a reputation, but it’s not so immense that everyone’ has seen it. If you’re one of the skippers, stop it. See it once. Preferably if the opportunity comes with the side dish of a complimentary novelty highlighter. Can’t wait to comb Moby Dick for the e-word.

Got this one at Best Buy, along with The Golden Girls Season 4. Carrying those two DVDs up to the checkout woman at least helped annihilate what might’ve otherwise been some underlying sexual tension between vendor and client.

In other news, I’ve slowly been planning a revamp to my office, because it is a fucking disaster area, and because now that I’ve gone freelance, more time is going to be spent at home. I can’t bring myself to throw anything out, but at the same time, I’m picking up various things and can’t help but wonder why I “need” to own them. Does anyone really “need” three incomplete “Bigfoot” board games from Milton Bradley? Maybe, but can you say the same for a bottle of salad dressing from 1987? Just you try it.


Yup, it’s Kraft’s “Creamy Cucumber” reduced calorie dressing, sealed, with an expiration date of 3/4/1987. (Which means it’s most likely from 1986, but let’s be conservative.) Incredibly, the gunk inside doesn’t look at all soured, to the point where I’d be willing to tempt fate and smell the goods if there was a good enough reason to unplug the bottle. Personally, I find the fact that I’ve probably got the oldest sealed bottle of salad dressing on the planet far too attractive to unscrew the top on a mere macabre fascination with what the contents might smell like.

I know X-E has some younger readers, and if you’re one of them, consider this: This bottle of salad dressing is older than you! Wow. Brainfreeze.

In any event, “Creamy Cucumber” dressing, especially a “lite” version of it, is pretty close to the most disgusting thing I can think of. I hate cucumbers. If I had a nickel for every tiny cucumber frisbee I’ve pulled from a salad bowl, I’d be king of the nickel people.

Sopranos finale spoiler: Everybody dies except Rosalie Aprile, who spends the final twelve minutes of the episode singing “Tainted Love” with an intentionally bad Irish accent. Word on the street is that this sets up the spinoff show, The Sopranros, which is a pretty clever title if you give it a chance.


Posted by Matt. E-mail me!

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Discussion Thread: 130 comments

Oh christ! If the dressing is from 86 it’s the same age as me. And Matt dearest, it should be white, or a mint green color, not brown! Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

Ghosted by GJ @ 06/12/2007 1:09 AM EDT


Holy cucumbers! I’m roughly 3 years older than the dressing. I…I feel faint…

Not to mention that bottle of brown sludge is going to give me nightmares.

Ghosted by Poppy @ 06/12/2007 1:39 AM EDT


I was born July 1984. Is it wrong to feel proud of being older than a bottle of long-since-expired dressing? I used to like cucumber dressing, but I’ll never touch it again after this. Blech!

Ghosted by Misuko @ 06/12/2007 1:43 AM EDT


8-20-82 here, BD by almost a few years.

I would love some creamy cucumber dressing, I’ve never seen, nor tried, it, I bet it tastes a lot like ranch, though, yet with a cucumbery twist. With such an, obviously from above, advanced palate, I should work in the food biz.

I really, really want that highlighter. I would never use it and within 2 months I would probably lose it, but I must have it.

Ghosted by fistpittingnork @ 06/12/2007 9:17 AM EDT


My cucumber is older than that dressing. And, as for the subject of vague endings, again I mention “The Prisoner” and “Blake’s 7″ of -the hell? Wha happen’? category. But I also subscribe to the “Nesmith Theory” of TV show existence. All your favorite shows have continued on, the people in them living their lives. We, the viewership, just aren’t privy to their adventures anymore. If you’ve seen the Monkees reunion TV special, you know what I mean.

Ghosted by kingklash @ 06/12/2007 4:13 PM EDT


B.D. 10/30/84

It must be common for people to keep expired pudding and gelatin. I found a few boxes of 123 Jell-O in my grandma’s pantry recently. I also found cans of Luigi soda and Billy Beer. From now on I will feel a little uneasy eating or drinking anything in her house.

Ghosted by GloomyJack @ 06/12/2007 6:20 PM EDT


That sopranos spoiler was hysterical. classic. I too find myself purchasing things I don’t need. Maybe not expired salad dressing but batcaves, eternia posters, etc.

Ghosted by Jay @ 06/12/2007 6:25 PM EDT


I’d like to point out that if that salad dressing were in my possession, that date would be scratched off and the bottle placed in the 3rd floor fridge at work in full view of my desk.

I am also going to start dating all correspondence using B.D. (Before Dressing) and A.D. (After Dressing).

Ghosted by Ann @ 06/12/2007 11:48 PM EDT


B.D. (1979)

Ghosted by The Manimal @ 06/13/2007 12:46 AM EDT


According to The Clothes Have No Emperor by Paul Slansky: the day the creamy cucumber dressing expired, President Reagan acknowledged in his speech to the Tower Commission that the Iran-Contra scandal “Happened on my watch”.

Damn, I’m old. 1974 B.C.

Ghosted by Hopey @ 06/13/2007 2:48 AM EDT


Edit: 1974 B.D.

I’m not THAT old.

Ghosted by Hopey @ 06/13/2007 2:49 AM EDT


The dressing is way older than me… like 2 years… geez

Ghosted by Yam @ 06/13/2007 12:18 PM EDT


Back in the early ’80’s, when I was in middle school, my great-grandfather died. My great-grandmother needed help in sorting through all the stuff in their house so she could get rid of it and move to an apartment. So my mother volunteered herself and us to help do some of it.

We did the kitchen. Mind you, my great-grandparents lived through the Depression, so they were hoarders. Tons of canned goods, both storebought and home-canned. Of note we found valuable old glass bottles…and ancient food. Specifically, a pizza dough mix from shortly after WWII. Chef Boyardee was young with brown hair. I’m serious! No, it wasn’t useable…it had congealed into a brick. But it was hilarious to find…and hear my great-grandmother’s excuse ‘well you never know when you might need it’! :D

And no, we didn’t keep it! :D

Ghosted by Moony @ 06/13/2007 2:48 PM EDT


Checking in at 07-17-1988 A.D. As someone above stated, I feel humbled by the fact that Matt owns a salad dressing that is older than I am.

Ghosted by Frakkyfire @ 06/13/2007 5:28 PM EDT


All the talk of cucumbers in here, and I’m surprised that no one has mentioned Pepsi Ice Cucumber.

Also, I guess now I’m BD in more ways than one. 1979, y0.

–LBD “Nytetrayn”

Ghosted by LBD "Nytetrayn" @ 06/14/2007 12:13 AM EDT


i used to work in a grocery store. during a remodel we came across a block of cheese that expired in 1989 (this was in 2002). all i could think to myself was “this cheese has been under the shelf rotting since i was in kindergarten, and i have lived my whole life since then.” if you are wondering – 13 year old cheese looks like slimy thick oily brown goo. it was still shaped like a brick. maybe i should have kept it. peace.

Ghosted by ben @ 06/14/2007 12:41 AM EDT


Woot I’m Bd. 1977. So is my brother and sister
(81,82)

Ghosted by Sara @ 06/14/2007 3:52 AM EDT


Yikes! That salad dressing looks pretty offensive. I hate cucumbers, too. I would really advise against opening that bottle. God only knows what might come crawling out of it. The contents all look separated, and I’m pretty sure “creamy” salad dressing is supposed to be more solid.

Ghosted by LaLa @ 06/14/2007 3:43 PM EDT


In the mid-to-late 90s we found a bottle of salad dressing from like 1980 at my Grandmas house. No, we didnt try to eat it.

Ghosted by mike f @ 06/17/2007 1:49 AM EDT


In 2002, while housesitting for my globetrotting grandparents, my wife and I uncovered a box of Jello brand Pistachio Instant Pudding with an expiration date of July 1973, a full 3 years before I was born… The scary part is that we didn’t look through the cupboard all that well. Who knows what evil we may have uncovered…

Ghosted by Padraic @ 06/18/2007 12:18 PM EDT


That’s only about two months older than me, at least going by the expiration date…

Ghosted by Ben @ 06/18/2007 1:16 PM EDT


wow. that dressing expired the exact same day my younger sister was born.

Ghosted by Sir Thomas @ 06/20/2007 10:51 PM EDT


I know I’m late to this party, but I have to weigh in on Creamy Cucumber dressing! I absolutely love it and always have. I grew up eating pita bread halves (toasted in a skillet with butter) stuffed with steak-ums, lettuce, and creamy cucumber, and it’s one of the best things I’ve ever eaten in my life.

Though I’m disturbed to see this creamy cucumber dressing is BROWN. I’ve only seen it as white and creamy…so maybe what you have actually is spoiled. They still make it, but it’s hard to find. Rather than just Creamy Cucumber, it’s easier to find Creamy Cucumber Ranch it seems.

Ghosted by petrie @ 06/22/2007 10:36 AM EDT


Also late to the party, and hereby declaring myself the oldest B.D.’er here.

June 1971

Ghosted by kndmanz @ 06/22/2007 4:33 PM EDT


My mom’s a nurse and she gets those highlighters by the bucket when she goes to conventions. She thinks they’re cute and gives them to my brother and sister and I. They are the worst highlighters ever.

Ghosted by Cara @ 06/22/2007 4:53 PM EDT


Hey Matt, finish that frickin’ G.I. Joe figure story you had from a little ways back. It would take a butt-load of pics, but I can’t stand unfinished genius works. ThanX – Beetle

Ghosted by Beetle Bomb @ 06/23/2007 9:33 AM EDT


If you ever decide to unscrew the cap, wait until you have a Jones Holiday Soda tasting party and save it for the grand finale.

Ghosted by The Big Fez @ 06/23/2007 3:04 PM EDT


I remember using that dressing at my grandparents house on Long Island. Wow, that Kraft brings back memories. Thanks.

Ghosted by phill @ 06/25/2007 2:29 AM EDT


I, too, have several items of food or drink that are years old and unopened. Several boxes of Jurassic Park and Flintstones cookies. I also have a 14 year old can of Barbasol shaving cream (I’m a big Jurassic Park fan) as well as cans from soda that they no longer make. Oh, and the secret links thing sucks. I want to read the articles but not if I have to back through the archives and read every single article to try and find the links.

Ghosted by Spottedfeather @ 06/28/2007 10:13 PM EDT


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