I watched American Idol all season for the first time in years (originally quitting after Fantasia won), and I can't say that I share the overwhelming opinion that it was the worst season ever.  24 had its worst season ever.  Idol, I don't know.  Why am I mentioning this?  To gripe about Jordin Sparks.  I cannot rationalize what I'm about to type, but I hate Jordin Sparks.  I've always hated her.  I smelled from the early-goings that they were shuffling the cards in her favor, and despite her power pipes and wholesome appeal, I couldn't shake the idea that I was watching one phony little crabtart suck the fun from the show in a sea of fabrications and crocodile tears.  I pretty much wanted anyone but her to win, in part because she totally fronted when Phil got eliminated (went from being completely apathetic to completely devastated as soon as she noticed a camera on her), but mainly because she was like some mutant factory-born American Idol archetype creature thing.

I probably won't watch next year, not because this was a bad season, but because it's too much to invest 2-3 days a week for half a year, every year.  I'm so glad I can give my Tuesday and Wednesday nights back to devil worship and macaroni art now.

I haven't written about Kenner's old Star Wars toys in a long while.  Not sure why that is.  Maybe it's that those articles are for an audience that have grown to be so much more knowledgeable of the subject matter than me.  I don't collect toys anymore, and I certainly don't live and breathe Star Wars in any way, shape or form.  It's no fun to write when you're worried about being corrected on your points.  Especially when you're me and you tend to make up points as you go.

That said, I'd like to use this opportunity to pay a small tribute to Squid Head, one of the very best action figures from the vintage collection.  Squid Head was one of those figures that I must've had, lost and repurchased a dozen times throughout childhood.  Next to the Emperor's Royal Guard, I can think of few other SW figures that stole my heart to such a degree.

The cloth clothes were a major factor.  I loved any SW figure that had real cloth clothes.  Even shitty ones, like Klaatu.  Squid Head was extra special, coming with two separate clothing artifacts in different colors, not to mention a gigantic plastic belt that doubled nicely as a me-sized thumb ring.  Then there's the fact that he's a squid.  Real cloth clothes or not, I was bound to love any action figure that was a squid.  I wish I was a squid.

In other news, the Shrek 3 marketing blitz is in full effect, which might be a necessary evil considering how many people are calling it the worst movie in history.  I've still never seen any of Shrek's work outside of trailers and assorted clips, but that doesn't take away my right to enjoy green-dyed food promotions at every turn.

Though most of the Shrekky food tie-ins are just repeats from Shrek 2, there are a few new arrivals worth mentioning, starting with what's seen above: Snickers bars with green filling.  Hell yes.  Reminiscent of those green-filled Shrek Twinkies, the candy bars look normal at first, but when you bite into 'em, BAM, OGRE GREEN FILLING!  Okay, so it's not exactly overflowing with green goodness, but there's enough lime-colored shit in there to turn a Snickers break into a conversational point.

Happy SNT, if you're here.

I'm attempting to write through a fever — bronchial ashtma, to be exact — so my apologies if several points get lost in a sea of groggy antibiotics, Theraflu, NyQuil and delicious strawberry Halls cough drops.

Those competing cougars from Coke and Pepsi have unleashed one new beverage a piece onto the world at large, each manifested for a wholly different target demo.  Dwurrr.

Pepsi's offering is the most interesting of the two, so it gets top billing.  Pepsi Summer Mix blends the taste of Pepsi with indiscernible artificial fruit flavors, and the end result is…subjective.  I hate it.  You may disagree.  Though I admit that I liked the taste a lot better after allowing myself more than a single can, I also admit that I never quite shook the feeling that I had just downed a shot of rancid Southern Comfort and was trying to chase it with Pepsi Cola.  That's kind of what it tastes like.

The part of me that doesn't want to be so harsh thinks it's more like Pepsi mixed with tangerine soda.  I don't know.  It doesn't work for me, but I adore the effort and can totally picture being eleven-years-old and obsessed with making sure I drank nothing but Pepsi Summer Mix from now until September 1st.

And then, the competition!  From the sentient polar bears at Coca-Cola, it's Diet Coke Plus, which is essentially Diet Coke with added vitamins and minerals.  At first, I was disgusted by what I took to be an aftertaste similar to that of a medicinny vitamin tablet.  After a while, I realized that there was no such taste, and that it was a completely psychosomatic reaction to drinking "soda with vitamins."  If there is any real flavor difference between Diet Coke and Diet Coke Plus, it's minimal.  While I don't think the world should be turning to soda for their daily fix of vitamins and minerals, I definitely dig the silver can.

I had grand plans for tonight's SNT, but they were stolen by a fever and bronchitis and blunt head trauma.

Don't know if anyone's around for this directionless SNT, but if you want it, here tis here tis.

I haven't seen Spider-Man 3 yet, freely admitting that I've become a loser who shuns the epicness of the big screen and waits for things to come out on DVD.  But, to say that the movie hasn't touched my life would be a lie, for without it, I would never have eaten a "Alter-Ego" flavored Pringle.  Something like that.

The film's promotional blitz was really one for the books — it's been as awesome and as everywhere as any other film's blitz in history.  Example: A short while back, countless public facilities in and around Peter Parker's hometown of NYC celebrated the movie in a thousand different ridiculous ways, from simple mask-making art sessions to a wacky spider exhibit at the Museum of Natural History.  I really should've gone to that, because I love spiders, and because the Museum of Natural History is my best shot at finding a new rock pencil now that the Nature Company's gone kaput.  Sophia's telling me to digress.

Amid, or among, or amidst the toys, television ads and vaguely connected live spider exhibits is a simpler form of Spider-Marketing: Food tie-ins!  Many, many food tie-ins!  From webby fruit snacks to spider soda, Spider-Man fans can eat and drink three courses of their hero for a week straight without ever getting a repeat menu.

I've gathered at least a dozen different Spidey foods, but I only have enough energy left to write about two of them.  Tonight: Pringles and Gushers.  Tomorrow: Slurpees and Cheese Nips and stuff.

Spider-Man can now be credited as one of the few superheroes to have their own Pringles flavor.  While all of the Pringles varieties have Spidey's face on the tubes, only one goes all the way with a custom flavor: "Alter-Ego Salsa."  The name doesn't make much sense, but I think I'm just spouting sour grapes because my letter to Pringles HQ pitching "Sandman & Vinegar" was returned unopened.

There's also a Spider-Man-themed-version-of Pringles "Prints," those being chips with wacky crap printed on them in edible blue lettering.  If you thought eating Pringles was fun before, just wait until you experience eating trivia questions about Aunt May.  In fact, if you do try them, I strongly suggest calling a buddy and crunching loudly over the phone, prompting the obvious question to pave the way for the most awesome answer ever given to any question in the history of sought knowledge.

You: Hey buddy… (crunch crunch crunch) …what's going down tonight?
Friend: Can't hear you…what are you eating?
You: Trivia questions about Aunt May.

I wish Gushers weren't so terribly unhealthy, because they are terribly terrific and I need some kind of nutritional justification if I'm really going to move forward with my motion to replace our nation's salad course with a new Gushers course.  Sadly, pound for pound, you can't each much shittier than this.

The Spider-Man 3 Gushers are primarily red and blue, but they throw a bunch of purple ones in the mix for reasons I'm still trying to understand.  I guess they're meant to represent Spider-Man's black costume.  Whenever junk food wants to look black, it usually ends up looking purple.  Junk food can do a lot of things, but it can never truly be black.  Just another of the cosmic mysteries you and I hope to have cleared up when we go to Heaven and get to ask God any three questions.

Damn…spellchecker says that "epicness" isn't a real word.  Oh well.  Tonight it is.

I've decided to quit the site; we're shutting down in a month.

Actually, that's not true.  I've just been excessively busy and hoping for a reprieve, and to be perfectly honest, my office has become such a godforsaken mess that I feel like I'm breathing in toxic waste just by sitting at my desktop.  No exaggeration.  It's awful in here.  I'd prefer people to think that I'm just researching the scientific limit at which an enclosed space's breathable air is rendered poisonous by soda cans filled with cigarettes, but the reality is that I just turn into a ridiculous slob whenever I'm near my computer.

I'm also terrible at cleaning anything, so tonight, I laid down the gauntlet.  The woman has agreed to clean this infested box of filth for me this weekend, and in return, I'll buy her whatever stupid cell phone/PDA/pointless electronic she's after, even though I'm 100% certain that she will not use it for anything outside calling me, her sister and one of the two American Idol numbers for Melinda Doolittle.

If I'm going to write about old toys, I need a desk that doesn't look like it's been shit on by a sentient garbage truck.

I haven't been too concerned about this, because by now I figure that the site's readers understand that I have regular bouts of life-dominating apathy that transform me from a prolific writer to a pathetic slug.  I think I'm pretty close to over that now, mainly because I spent a ton of money on various Spider-Man 3 food tie-ins that need to be paid tribute to before the moment passes.  I'll get to work on that in a bit, but for now, just know that I'm not dead.