I don't give Easter a lot of site coverage because I'm not very fond of the holiday. I don't eat lamb or ham, and Easter's chosen color palette of pastel purples and yellows makes me nauseous for some reason. When I try to conjure up some nearly-lost positive Easter memory to get myself into the spirit, the best I can come up with is the time I ordered a chocolate Corvette from my grade school's Easter Chocolate Catalogâ„¢.
Actually, what happened was this: Got the car, and along with all of the more natural chocolate bunnies and whatnot, everything was put aside until Easter Sunday. When the day came, I ripped the foil off the thing and marveled at one of Earth's greatest wonders: A piece of chocolate with headlights. At around the same time that morning, my mother royally pissed me off about something or another, and I hatched the ultimate plan to get back at her.
I opened the fridge, and carefully placed my chocolate Corvette inside in such a way that whenever my mother opened the fridge, the car would plummet to the floor, crack into a zillion pieces and give me solid ammunition to make her feel like shit. This was pure wizardry; I was so proud of myself. I sat in our television room waiting for the doomsday of my own architecture to commence, and minutes later, I heard the fridge door open. Splat. Rushing to the kitchen with my phony sad face on, I was shocked to find my mother nowhere in sight. Instead, there stood one of my older brothers, his bare feet covered in several broken bits of car chocolate. He promptly confirmed my idiocy for placing the Corvette in such a stupid spot, grabbed an apple, and went back to his room with exactly zero regrets.
In retrospect, I totally deserved it.
We made Easter eggs earlier today. I wanted to make them, but I didn't really want to go through the effort of making good ones. The end result of five minutes work is shown above: A half-assed vampire, and a random sparkly piece of shit egg. I won't be winning any trophies this year.
Making the eggs first required a trip to the local pharmacy for a pack of Paas, and while most of the store's Easter candy had already been cleaned out by last minute basket-fillers, there were a couple of choice items left, all in egg-shaped packaging. As someone who used to ask people to buy them Leggs pantyhose just to get at those wonderful oversized plastic eggs, I remain prone to loving anything that comes in an egg-shaped package.
The Ring Pop egg on the right is definitely the best of the three. Look at what's inside! You get a rabbit-shaped Ring Pop, Easter stickers and even a random paper strip filled with Easter-related word games and puzzles. The Mini Etch-A-Sketch egg is just bizarre, but it delivers as promised, with a tiny Etch-A-Sketch toy that's fully functioning if not exactly precise. The egg on the left...I dunno. You're supposed to put it in a glass of water and wait 12 hours for the egg to crack apart, revealing a grow-in-water baby chick. We'll see what happens.
Have a good Easter if you celebrate it. Have a good SNT even if you don't.
Random X-E Easter Articles: Cadbury Creme Eggs - Marshmallow Peeps Maker - Crazy Wonka Egg Kit - Ninja Turtles Mega Egg - Nerds Candy Egg Wrappers
Posted by Matt on 04/07/2007. E-mail me!
Chestnuts roasted by 
I had to live with mine while getting a divorce from an emotionally (getting into physically) abusive husband and making the decision to give our son up for adoption rather than raise him by myself. GOD was THAT hell. I wound up taking Prozac to keep from doing something stupid like killing myself.
My mom says she doesn’t care if she ever has grandkids, because it’s a terrible time to raise children since they’re not even safe in school etc etc. I can’t even deal with my cat waking me up in the middle of the night, I’d be a nightmare with a child. Of course things may change once I find my next boyfriend — maybe 6 will be my lucky number.