You know what used to really tick me off? Big Red gum.
Now, I've come to adore Big Red. Big Red helps keep secret smoke breaks secret. But, as a child, I wanted to kill the people responsible for Big Red, who tricked me over and over and over and over again with this one eensy little unforgettable image seen in practically every one of the gum's television commercials throughout the '80s:
Big Red is, was and always has been slices of all-red gum of the most basic kind. But the commercials always included the fancy image of the red-and-white striped, sent-from-God stick of gum seen above, and time and time again, I'd buy packs of Big Red expecting what was inside to finally reflect the holy image from the ads. It never happened.
I've spent my entire life wondering what I was missing. Was it supposed to represent the wrapper? Well, of course not, because you can see the wrapper in the very same image. Why was Wrigley's obsessed with perpetuating the idea that Big Red had a big, nice, shiny white stripe when in fact it never had such a stripe? Most importantly, how did I fall for this so many times?
Don't mean to make a mountain of minutiae, but I was a kid, and for every time I went for a pack of Big Red on the false promises of a fun stripe, I passed up a much tastier pack of Bubblicious. Sometimes even Paradise Punch Bubblicious. That's plain wrong.
Click here to watch the lousy lying stupid commercial.
UPDATE: Apparently my brain hasn't been functioning properly for the past few decades. As readers have pointed out, the heavenly red & white striped gum is meant to represent Big Red's puny competitor. I don't know how this flew by me. I'm ashamed. But I think we can at least all admit that their representation of the competition is far cooler than what they were trying to peddle. It looks like plastic!
Posted by Matt on 04/05/2007. E-mail me!
Chestnuts roasted by 
yeah, mine’s always been dusty and red. why i prefer juicy fruit. black jack is awesome, too