Y’all should remember Brian — the guy who occasionally lends X-E its spirited holiday designs? I’ve mentioned him before. Anyway, a while back, Brian landed a job with MTV, which put him exactly ten floors below where I work. Yesterday morning, I get into the office, and the sugar was barely in the coffee when my phone rang. It was him. Did he want to get a jumpstart on X-E’s next Halloween design as I’ve been endlessly suggesting? No. He had something much more important to tell me about. Something magical was set to happen that afternoon, just across the street at the Virgin Megastore. Half off DVD box sets? No. Something bigger. Something greener.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Live. In person. Within humping distance. Ours for the taking.
With the new movie set to debut, there’s also a new soundtrack to go with it, and that’s what this little event was for. Brian was ostensibly covering it for work, and I was ostensibly his photographer for the hour, ostensibly because motherfucking holy shit it is my BIRTHRIGHT to be as close to real live Ninja Turtles as humanly possible.
So, I’m standing in this little gated off section with all of the other photographers, and boy, they were vicious. Everyone wanted the right angle. People kept giving me devil eyes when they thought I was stealing their turf, but I was all like, “chill, I’m here to get a few grainy pictures for my blog, grab a complimentary TMNT button and go home.” Only instead of actually saying that, I kinda just looked down timidly.
Soon, the line formed. I’d be lying if I said hundreds, but certainly, there were dozens of Ninja Turtle maniacs of all ages waiting to shake hands with the lean green fighting machines. It worked like this: If you bought the soundtrack, you got to meet with the Turtles. That catch paved way for me getting to eavesdrop on the greatest conversation ever, where a slimy, creepy store manager started complaining to one of the studio peeps about how he was gonna “go into a rage” if people just returned the CDs after getting their Ninja Turtle fix. If only Hamato was there to mediate.
Finally, the announcement blared over the store speakers. The Turtles…had arrived.
AND THEY CAME DOWN THE ESCALATOR! NINJA TURTLES DOWN AN ESCALATOR! MY LIFE IS COMPLETE!
I just expected them to saunter out onto the tiny platform from some hidden greenroom. Nope, they arrived by CAB! And since this was on the lowest level of an 80 floor store, they had to go down like sixty-seven escalator flights! TURTLES DOWN AN ESCALATOR AHHHHHHHHH
All four Ninja Turtles were present, because you can’t have one without the other three. I held out some small hope that we’d get those funky latex costumes as seen in the old movies, but nah — these were more like really, really, really expensive Ninja Turtles Halloween costumes. Adequate, but nothing that was going to get me to ask Raphael if he liked Critters enough to see Critters 2. In honor of the affable event climate, the Turtles sadly left their gear at home. No big sticks, and no swords. They also took a vow of silence, refusing to speak even when children asked them questions that couldn’t be answered with a simple yes-or-no headshake.
After letting the press direct the Turtles through 450,000 action poses, the patient fans were finally allowed to mingle with their heroes. The kids and twenty-something goofballs went home happy, and because I was in the right place at the right time, I went home with a swank set of Ninja Turtles promo magnets.
Soon after, I returned to the office, pretending that I’d just gotten back from another grueling errand.
Posted by Matt. E-mail me!
Ghosted by 
I remember the 12-inch Joes. (skip the jokes, or no soup for you!) Back in the days when a Joe with realistic whiskers would beat the ever-lovin’ crap outta Ken and bivouac in Barbie’s Malibu Dream House. Nothing like using the Human Bullet to crash a tea party!