I don’t believe I’ve ever played any of the Primal Rage video games, so when I first stumbled onto the corresponding toyline in 1994, it was all Greek. But, it was a good kind of Greek, like a kalamata olive, or Jesse Katsopolis.
As every character in the game was some form of monkey-on-steroids or dinosaur, every figure in the toy collection was worth having. Figures based on video games can be pretty sucky and barebones, but a lot of thought went into these. From the accessories the figures came with down to the way they were packaged, Primal Rage toys were well worth the fifty cents most stores charged, because damn, these things were hideously unpopular and traveled to the clearance racks faster than the speed of light.
As evidenced by the crushed package, this guy’s been laying on the bottom of a cramped storage box for over a decade. It’s “Blizzard,” my absolute favorite figure in the series, largely due to Blizzard being the line’s answer to the mythological Yeti. Blizzard was one of the good guys — a “Virtuous Beast,” who fought for the side of right along with three random dinosaur dudes. Together they battled against the “Destructive Dinos,” which despite the name, featured a bad guy by the name of “Chaos” who looked like the twin monkey brother of Blizzard, only this time with a red and green Christmas-themed color scheme. Long sentence.
Each of the figures came with a tiny “Mini-Primal” humanoid, and here’s where it gets interesting. With Blizzard and the other good guys, these humans were said to be “followers,” but if you bought a bad guy, they were victims, to be chomped, eaten and otherwise brutalized. This makes me wish Blizzard was a bad guy, because it’s going to suck exiting official canon when I make him bite the little orange fucker in two.
The primary figures were about six inches tall, but there was also the “Super Rage” series, which had the same figures scaled up to double that size. The bigger figures were unbelievably cool but really expensive, and I could never seem to find them on clearance. Just last year, the giant-sized version of Blizzard was repurposed and packaged with a Ninja Turtle figure in some weird two-pack. Check it out here. I don’t know why I don’t own that set. I’ve got three copies of Event Horizon on DVD, but not that? I don’t even like Event Horizon. Two hours of crap just to hear Lawrence Fishburne say “this place is a tooooomb” ain’t the kind of tradeoff I’m into.
Happy SNT.
Posted by Matt. E-mail me!
Ghosted by 
I’ve always wanted to try it.
Chris Martin
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