Your Back!!!! Woooo! Hallabalooya!

Chestnuts roasted by Jester @ 02/19/2007 11:37 PM

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Memories of McDonald’s is akin to memories of housesitting a tapeworm in my intestines. However I do remember the day all junkies and criddlers alike revolted against McDonald’s when they changed the coffee stirrers from the old mini coke-spoons to the harmless plastic boat orr design (gee, I wonder what brought on that change!). I remember the horrible “Food, folks, and fun” commercial jingle with Ronald looking like he was taking a disturbing Michael Jackson-like interest towards the kids in the ad. And finally, the feds may finally break open a decade long mystery with this confession, but I have to come clean. Remember the old-style 1980′s/1990′s plastic Ronald McDonald standup display for the Happy Meal toys in the lobby near the cash register? My friend set up a challenge for me to rip Ronald’s head off for a bounty. My first attempt was a pathetic failure as I only managed to taco-shell Ronald’s head down to his feet with no breakage. However, on attempt #2, I had a well rehearsed gameplan set up for action.

Once the coast was clear, I snuck up to Ronald and put my arm over his shoulder as if I was non chalantly hanging out with a good buddy of mine. Then, I used one foot to plant at the base of the stand up to sturdy it. Then, using one hand to sturdy the base of Ronald’s shoulders, I quickly and strongly grabbed him by his hair and yanked as hard as I could. POP!!!! I swear it sounded like a .22 echoing in the place! Immediately, three kids who were playing in the small fries ball pit out in playland ran up to the front counter, looked at the freshly decapitated McDonald’s mascot, then screamed “RONALD” and burst into tears. I was playing innocent bystander while holding the victim’s head behind my back and simultainiously trying not to burst out laughing and piss my pants. Two workers came out from the kitchen area and looked in horror at their fallen breatheren, and then slowly and somberly carried Ronald’s corpse like a coroner would from the crime scene to the back room.

My friend who orchestrated the hit job was out in the parking lot trying to fight off a coronary from laughing so hard. My reward for the this highly controversial and dangerous assasination hit: one medium chocolate milkshake.

After this horrendous act of butchery, McDonald’s incorporated a new toy display that featured an assasination proof Ronald that consisted of much sturdier and thicker plastic that would basically stop bullets; it is the one currently in use.

Chestnuts roasted by Josh Ednoff @ 02/19/2007 11:45 PM

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I still have my Batman Forever mug, the one with Batman himself. It’s under my bathroom sink, randomly.

Chestnuts roasted by Julie @ 02/19/2007 11:50 PM

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Nice article, Matt, good to have ya back.

BTW, the McDLT still lives on as the Big n Tasty, and even that isn’t even available everywhere. (it’s hidden in a corner on the menu of the McDs in a local mall here on LI, where everything there is more expensive then going to a standlone franchise)

Chestnuts roasted by Invader Norbert @ 02/19/2007 11:57 PM

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Hooray!

Chestnuts roasted by Hoverbored @ 02/20/2007 12:00 AM

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Like most,I still have my Two-Face mug. But whats important about this article is the inclusion of the Hot-Wheels promo. This particular Hot-Wheels promo had a car that changed my life, Its #9 on the chart. When I was little I was absolutely convinced that it was the General Lee from the Dukes of Hazard. I fell in love with that little car and used it for every high speed chase that my G.I. Joes needed to get out of.

It also marks the first time I stood up to my brother. Lets see, if Matt has an accurate date of 1983 then that means I was three when I got it, maybe 2 (My birthday is Dec 9 1980, do the math). When I was about 8 I still had that car, most of us can state that holding on to a Hot-Wheels for 5 or 6 years is a hell of a long time for a kid. Anyway, I was playing with the car out in my driveway when my brother came out and heard me making the classic horn noise for the General Lee, he called me an idiot and said that it wasn’t the Dukes of Hazard car. We argued back and forth for a while until I finally got mad enough to punch him in the nose. To say he wasn’t expecting it would be an understatement. His nose immediatly started bleeding and I freaked out thinking I had ripped his nose off.

I didn’t get in trouble because Mike started teasing me first, but I did learn a very important lesson that day. My brother has very thin membranes in his nose. A weakness that I exploit too this very day, 18 years later.

Chestnuts roasted by Jester @ 02/20/2007 12:08 AM

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Also, didn’t the Ninja Turtles have a PLacemat/Tray Cover, I seem to recall having to go through a maze on a manhole cover and doing a connect-the-dots the turned out to be Krang. Might have been for a diffrent fast food joint.

Chestnuts roasted by Jester @ 02/20/2007 12:16 AM

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I think the Turtles shacked up with Burger King back when. Personally I remember getting the Transformers happy meal before the toys could transform like they do now. Even further back, I recall getting Dukes of Hazzard happy meals where the box itself was the prize (General Lee, Daisy’s Jeep, and probably Roscoe’s Cruiser) Does anybody else have a favorite happy meal prize?

Chestnuts roasted by 9Line @ 02/20/2007 12:40 AM

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I remember my Two Face mug. I would sit and stare in stony silence and try, by sheer force of will, to turn it into a Batman mug (and not the Val Kilmer one either. Some Michael Keaton version that existed only in my head). Failing that, I’d spend much less time trying to wish it into a Catwoman mug, but by then, my determination was gone.

Then, a few years later, my mom got rid of it, and I was pissed as hell.

Chestnuts roasted by Mara @ 02/20/2007 12:45 AM

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We never got to eat at McDonald’s growing up. For one thing, the nearest one was nearly two hundred miles away, in Amarillo. Also, my sister was completely repulsed by the place. So I didn’t get into the Happy Meal scene until I was way too old. But by that time we were in high school and on band trips, and it was okay because we were being ironic.

Man, that post went a whole lotta nowhere. Sorry, everyone. I’ll do better.

Chestnuts roasted by Jedoc @ 02/20/2007 12:46 AM

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hey thorzul, you from Wisconsin? And is that placemat kind of cartoony, like those Donruss cards were? I think I remember those from when I was a kid.

Chestnuts roasted by kidneyboy @ 02/20/2007 12:48 AM

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kidneyboy,
Yeah, they were painted in a Perez-Steele sort of style, Donrussy, but not really cartoony. I think my parents have a whole set somewhere, but we haven’t been able to find them since they moved a couple of years ago. I’m thinking garage attic.

Chestnuts roasted by Thorzul @ 02/20/2007 12:58 AM

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My favorite HM toys? Definately the dinosaur changeables. I had all of them…except for one…The Fries.

I also loved the Super Mario Bros 3 promotion, even if I only had the Goomba…

I also loved the Train set with all of cars being from different promotions and pop culture figures at the time, including (I’m not making this up): Hot Wheels, Barbie, Tiny Toons, 101 Dalmations, Muppet Babies, Berenstain Bears, and some others im forgetting right now.

Chestnuts roasted by Invader Norbert @ 02/20/2007 1:12 AM

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