Your Back!!!! Woooo! Hallabalooya!

Ghosted by Jester @ 02/19/2007 11:37 PM EST

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Memories of McDonald’s is akin to memories of housesitting a tapeworm in my intestines. However I do remember the day all junkies and criddlers alike revolted against McDonald’s when they changed the coffee stirrers from the old mini coke-spoons to the harmless plastic boat orr design (gee, I wonder what brought on that change!). I remember the horrible “Food, folks, and fun” commercial jingle with Ronald looking like he was taking a disturbing Michael Jackson-like interest towards the kids in the ad. And finally, the feds may finally break open a decade long mystery with this confession, but I have to come clean. Remember the old-style 1980’s/1990’s plastic Ronald McDonald standup display for the Happy Meal toys in the lobby near the cash register? My friend set up a challenge for me to rip Ronald’s head off for a bounty. My first attempt was a pathetic failure as I only managed to taco-shell Ronald’s head down to his feet with no breakage. However, on attempt #2, I had a well rehearsed gameplan set up for action.

Once the coast was clear, I snuck up to Ronald and put my arm over his shoulder as if I was non chalantly hanging out with a good buddy of mine. Then, I used one foot to plant at the base of the stand up to sturdy it. Then, using one hand to sturdy the base of Ronald’s shoulders, I quickly and strongly grabbed him by his hair and yanked as hard as I could. POP!!!! I swear it sounded like a .22 echoing in the place! Immediately, three kids who were playing in the small fries ball pit out in playland ran up to the front counter, looked at the freshly decapitated McDonald’s mascot, then screamed “RONALD” and burst into tears. I was playing innocent bystander while holding the victim’s head behind my back and simultainiously trying not to burst out laughing and piss my pants. Two workers came out from the kitchen area and looked in horror at their fallen breatheren, and then slowly and somberly carried Ronald’s corpse like a coroner would from the crime scene to the back room.

My friend who orchestrated the hit job was out in the parking lot trying to fight off a coronary from laughing so hard. My reward for the this highly controversial and dangerous assasination hit: one medium chocolate milkshake.

After this horrendous act of butchery, McDonald’s incorporated a new toy display that featured an assasination proof Ronald that consisted of much sturdier and thicker plastic that would basically stop bullets; it is the one currently in use.

Ghosted by Josh Ednoff @ 02/19/2007 11:45 PM EST

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I still have my Batman Forever mug, the one with Batman himself. It’s under my bathroom sink, randomly.

Ghosted by Julie @ 02/19/2007 11:50 PM EST

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Nice article, Matt, good to have ya back.

BTW, the McDLT still lives on as the Big n Tasty, and even that isn’t even available everywhere. (it’s hidden in a corner on the menu of the McDs in a local mall here on LI, where everything there is more expensive then going to a standlone franchise)

Ghosted by Invader Norbert @ 02/19/2007 11:57 PM EST

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Hooray!

Ghosted by Hoverbored @ 02/20/2007 12:00 AM EST

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Like most,I still have my Two-Face mug. But whats important about this article is the inclusion of the Hot-Wheels promo. This particular Hot-Wheels promo had a car that changed my life, Its #9 on the chart. When I was little I was absolutely convinced that it was the General Lee from the Dukes of Hazard. I fell in love with that little car and used it for every high speed chase that my G.I. Joes needed to get out of.

It also marks the first time I stood up to my brother. Lets see, if Matt has an accurate date of 1983 then that means I was three when I got it, maybe 2 (My birthday is Dec 9 1980, do the math). When I was about 8 I still had that car, most of us can state that holding on to a Hot-Wheels for 5 or 6 years is a hell of a long time for a kid. Anyway, I was playing with the car out in my driveway when my brother came out and heard me making the classic horn noise for the General Lee, he called me an idiot and said that it wasn’t the Dukes of Hazard car. We argued back and forth for a while until I finally got mad enough to punch him in the nose. To say he wasn’t expecting it would be an understatement. His nose immediatly started bleeding and I freaked out thinking I had ripped his nose off.

I didn’t get in trouble because Mike started teasing me first, but I did learn a very important lesson that day. My brother has very thin membranes in his nose. A weakness that I exploit too this very day, 18 years later.

Ghosted by Jester @ 02/20/2007 12:08 AM EST

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Also, didn’t the Ninja Turtles have a PLacemat/Tray Cover, I seem to recall having to go through a maze on a manhole cover and doing a connect-the-dots the turned out to be Krang. Might have been for a diffrent fast food joint.

Ghosted by Jester @ 02/20/2007 12:16 AM EST

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I think the Turtles shacked up with Burger King back when. Personally I remember getting the Transformers happy meal before the toys could transform like they do now. Even further back, I recall getting Dukes of Hazzard happy meals where the box itself was the prize (General Lee, Daisy’s Jeep, and probably Roscoe’s Cruiser) Does anybody else have a favorite happy meal prize?

Ghosted by 9Line @ 02/20/2007 12:40 AM EST

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I remember my Two Face mug. I would sit and stare in stony silence and try, by sheer force of will, to turn it into a Batman mug (and not the Val Kilmer one either. Some Michael Keaton version that existed only in my head). Failing that, I’d spend much less time trying to wish it into a Catwoman mug, but by then, my determination was gone.

Then, a few years later, my mom got rid of it, and I was pissed as hell.

Ghosted by Mara @ 02/20/2007 12:45 AM EST

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We never got to eat at McDonald’s growing up. For one thing, the nearest one was nearly two hundred miles away, in Amarillo. Also, my sister was completely repulsed by the place. So I didn’t get into the Happy Meal scene until I was way too old. But by that time we were in high school and on band trips, and it was okay because we were being ironic.

Man, that post went a whole lotta nowhere. Sorry, everyone. I’ll do better.

Ghosted by Jedoc @ 02/20/2007 12:46 AM EST

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hey thorzul, you from Wisconsin? And is that placemat kind of cartoony, like those Donruss cards were? I think I remember those from when I was a kid.

Ghosted by kidneyboy @ 02/20/2007 12:48 AM EST

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kidneyboy,
Yeah, they were painted in a Perez-Steele sort of style, Donrussy, but not really cartoony. I think my parents have a whole set somewhere, but we haven’t been able to find them since they moved a couple of years ago. I’m thinking garage attic.

Ghosted by Thorzul @ 02/20/2007 12:58 AM EST

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My favorite HM toys? Definately the dinosaur changeables. I had all of them…except for one…The Fries.

I also loved the Super Mario Bros 3 promotion, even if I only had the Goomba…

I also loved the Train set with all of cars being from different promotions and pop culture figures at the time, including (I’m not making this up): Hot Wheels, Barbie, Tiny Toons, 101 Dalmations, Muppet Babies, Berenstain Bears, and some others im forgetting right now.

Ghosted by Invader Norbert @ 02/20/2007 1:12 AM EST

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I spent a summer working at McDonald’s in high school. It wasn’t a very good experience as my boss referred to me as “white boy” and I had to clean up kid vomit at least twice a day. This particular McDonald’s was on the interstate near a regional hub, so this vomit was coming from all over the country. I quit after three months, after I was forced to clean the men’s bathroom after it experienced a full frontal attack of what I can only describe as unimaginably violent explosive diarrhea. I walked into my boss’s office and told them I was quitting and she said “White boy, you know if you don’t put in two weeks notice you can’t never [sic] work for McDonald’s never [sic] again.” I said “I won’t be losing any sleep over that, ‘mam.” and walked out.

Besides that, I fondly remember the Hot Wheels promotion. I had all of them EXCEPT the rocket car, something that has left me feeling like half a person for all these years.

I also still think about the Grand Poobah Meal to this day, as during that promotion my school took a field trip and we ate at McDonald’s and some guy was at the counter screaming “WHAT’S A GRAND POOBAH!? IS IT A SANDWHICH!?”

Ghosted by Wukong @ 02/20/2007 1:18 AM EST

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Heroes>>>>>24

Just saying….

Ghosted by Shuanfu @ 02/20/2007 1:29 AM EST

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Heh heh. After I read the first paragraph I was thinking about suggesting the term “tray liners” on here.

Ghosted by RewolfJ @ 02/20/2007 1:59 AM EST

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Also, my current boss recently got some McNuggets and asked for honey, but they didn’t give it to him. So he flipped out and made me go to McDonald’s and get honey for him.

I swear to God, McDonald’s is trying to drive me insane.

Ghosted by Wukong @ 02/20/2007 2:14 AM EST

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After almost two years of lurking I finally post!

I was stunned when I saw the Hot Wheels liner because I counted 8 of those cars that I had as a kid. (Including the rocket car!) The thing is, I never knew they were from McDonalds. My parents must have just picked them up and given ‘em to me at odd times. Ironically, Jester, I had a General Lee matchbox car but the cop car from McD’s was my Roscoe P.

And kidneyboy, Mrs. McWawa got me the Reese’s heart – not bad atall is a fierce understatement.

Ghosted by Yelnick McWawa @ 02/20/2007 3:00 AM EST

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Hey WTF was up with McDonald’s putting the 6-piece McNuggets on the Dollar Menu for like a week back in January?

It was probably part of their sinister plan. I’m not sure what it is exactly, but I know that it exists. I have encountered it’s machinations on more than one occasion.

Ghosted by Wukong @ 02/20/2007 3:10 AM EST

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I, too, felt the Arch Deluxe was a moment of triumph. As a kid the only thing I’d ever get on my burgers would be mayonaise and cheese, but the idea of the Arch Deluxe struck me as a challenge; not only did it have a bunch of crap I’d never eat normally, it was ONLY FOR ADULTS! So I tried one and loved it. I was so sad when it was violently snatched from me later.

Does anyone have any idea how to re-create the Arch Deluxe sauce? I’d love to have that on a burger again.

Ghosted by Timmy @ 02/20/2007 3:51 AM EST

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Used to work at McDonalds. We called them “tray liners”. Of course, we also called people’s sandwiches “spittoons”…

Ghosted by Deadpool @ 02/20/2007 5:03 AM EST

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Guess I should actually read to the end of the article before posting a comment. My bad, and Matt good research.

Ghosted by Cap'n Ducky @ 02/20/2007 5:11 AM EST

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Does anybody remember when McDonalds for a brief time served pizza, spaghetti and something else that escapes me?? That was weird…

Ghosted by Mattman @ 02/20/2007 7:57 AM EST

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“…BAM, they cut to a shot of Tommy Lee Jones covered in cake icing, flipping coins. Plus he had lupus. You had to feel bad for Seal.”

Ahahahaha!
I’m pretty sure my grandparents have some of those Flintstone’s glasses, probably because my grandfather totally loved the way they look.

Ghosted by Denise @ 02/20/2007 8:20 AM EST

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Nice OMEN reference there. May I say that X-E is really hitting its stride. The dead soda, the obscure Roy Rogers, and the hat-trick is complete with this little ditty.
One of the main things that the younger X-E crowd may not know (and you can see it on the breakfast tray-liner) is that the old school establishments used to sport yellow, brown, and orange as their colors. This gave way to the teal and red/purples of the late 80’s/early 90’s. I miss the tacky old colors.
There is still an old TACO BELL in town which has that old 1983 flavor.
Speaking of 1983, that is when the McNugget debuted, not 1982; otherwise how would we remember so well my 1979 brother. (Please forgive me for correcting but it’s that history teacher within me. )
Great article!

Ghosted by The Manimal @ 02/20/2007 9:00 AM EST

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