Our apartment is just absolutely covered in empty Amazon boxes, a sure sign that we’re almost done Christmas shopping. Gifts for each other, and for the 200,000 children in each of our families. It’s a pretty sweet deal on my side, actually. If a couple has kids, then everyone else only has to buy for their kids. If they don’t, and we most certainly do not, then everyone has to buy for the couple, and more importantly, me. Sure, my family’s success rate with getting me Christmas presents that are worth bragging about has dwindled through the years, but it’s still nice to know that, come 11:55 PM on Christmas Eve, I can line a bunch of wrapped boxes with my name on them up on the couch and pretend that it’s still okay for me to do that.
Then again, it’s the giving. I take great pride in the gifts we give everyone’s kids, at least in part because, hey, those kids expect me to give them good gifts. They’ve seen my toys and video games. If I give them shit in a vase, they’ll know that I knew better. I also like to go straight to the source, because when I ask my siblings what to get their kids, I know I’m getting homogenized versions of their real wishlists. Like, one of my nephews is really into pro-wrestling, but his parents want to limit his pro-wrestling intake because he keeps piledriving his dog, so they try to convince me that what he really wants is stuff like Ice Age DVDs. Screw that. I just ask the kids themselves what they want, and after they ponder the question for a good three hours and offer more answers than the napkin I’m scribbling on can fit, I have a pretty good idea of what will make them believe Mommy was kissing Santa Claus.
Because I think it’s something I’ll want to remember later, here are the five best gifts I’m giving to the kiddies this year. No, not the five most expensive. The five I like the best.
LEGO Racers Ferrari 430 Spider: This is for one of my nephews, a late middle schooler, who is impossible to shop for. LEGO is pretty much the only safe avenue; he’s not really into toys, and when all of the other kids gather around whatever television they can usurp at family parties to play video games, he kind of just watches on with a look of confusion and disgust. So, it was a LEGO toy or money. There are LEGO toys you build, admire, break down and never really build again, and then there are LEGO toys that are true keepers. I think a vermilion Ferrari is a keeper.
What I like most about this toy is that I didn’t actually pay for it. I won’t mention the store, but we went Christmas shopping at a store, and as we found out later, a hiccup at the register caused the first few items on the belt to become GHOST ITEMS that we weren’t charged for. Thank God I put the $40 LEGO car up first, because getting a few cans of cat food or a magazine on how to make rumaki appetizers for free wouldn’t have been quite as sweet.
Melissa and Doug Mailbox & Mail Set: I scratched my head when I heard that my four-year-old niece wanted this; not literally, because nobody really scratches their head when they’re puzzled. I was a little concerned about it, though. A mailbox? What was she going to do with a mailbox? Well, that’s what she asked for, and that’s what she got. Thing came yesterday, and I have to say, I feel so, so awesome giving her this so, so awesome stupid thing. It’s a big, heavy blue mailbox with a bunch of big, heavy wooden pieces of play mail, and according to my sister, my mail-infatuated niece’s head will explode when she sees this.
I don’t remember much about being four-years-old aside from getting in a lot of trouble for writing the number “4″ all over our front porch bench, but yeah, I can see a four-year-old loving this to death. With only a very vague grasp of what the post office does, I’m sure she’s going to smear chocolate through the slots and be positively convinced that it’s on its way to Mickey Mouse.
Nintendo DS Lite System: Yes, it’s pretty extravagant, but it’s also for my godson, and like Kuse said, my only real job as a godfather is to show up at parties with better gifts than anyone else. My godson is also my nephew, and now that I think about it, he’s the youngest nephew of the bunch. That means he’s a bit slower at video games, both in terms of actually mastering them, and in actually getting them.
As his senior cousins walk the walk with their DS systems at every engagement we’re all at, this poor boy skips a few steps behind with an older Game Boy Advance. I suspect he will start referring to me as “King Matt” upon opening this gift, and for that price, anything less might inspire me to Indian Give the thing. Kid, I didn’t spend $130 to hear you say “oh wow” a few times. I want the balls-first zip-around my sister’s house. You better react to this thing like it’ll save your life.
T.M.X. Tickle Me Elmo: As I mentioned a few entries back, I was fortunate enough to find these babies in stock on Target’s website, and quickly purchased two of the dolls without anyone in mind to give them to. No matter: A day later, Target canceled the order, citing technical goofs. Goof this, Target. Luck struck twice, and TRU’s website had them in stock a few days later. This time, they came. One goes to a friend who is in dire need of it for his niece, and after some consideration, I’ve decided to return one of my niece’s lesser gifts to give her the ULTIMATE gift. The TMX Elmo doll.
Course, the hype is all smoke and mirrors, and she’ll certainly have no idea that this is anything but “just another doll.” Who knows if she’ll even like the thing? From the reviews I’ve been reading, a lot of kids react to TMX Elmo with either apathy or fear. Seems pretty cute to me, especially after seeing that YouTube video where some prankster timed and placed his doll so that after getting its second wind to laugh some more, poor Elmo tumbled down a flight of stairs. The hope is that someone in the general vicinity of the gift-opening will realize what a triumph it was for me to deliver this. Maybe my niece won’t care, but surely somebody will be impressed. I must be rewarded with at least one “I’m impressed” nod.
Pokemon Trozei DS Game: Not much to tell with this one. One of my nieces wanted this, and since I’m more than happy to oblige any lingering Pokemon obsessions in today’s youth, I picked it up. The reviews are pretty crappy, but I’m keeping the spirit of Bulbasaur alive, and for however long I’m able to do that, the ridiculous tattoo on my left ankle isn’t as great a source of shame as it will someday be.
Posted by Matt. E-mail me!
Ghosted by 
It’s only like 20 bucks, and years upon years of enjoyment.
I still don’t trust James Lipton. You gotta watch your back around anybody who takes a dump in your toilet without permission. That’s hallowed ground right there.