My God, the traffic…THE TRAFFIC…THE TRAFFIC. As I’ve written about before, my daily commute to and from work ranks as one of the worst commutes in the world (seriously, there have been studies), and today was especially fun. The bus got fifteen feet onto a bridge and proceeded to stay absolutely still for the next 65 minutes. All of my commutes suck, but this morning’s was a rare beast — a two hour and forty-five minute ride into work. The real gem was that I was sitting on the bus innocently jotting down a laundry list of things that absolutely had to get done by 10 AM, and I suddenly noticed that it was much easier than it should’ve been to write things in my notebook on what was normally a very bumpy bus ride. Turns out we just weren’t moving. For 65 minutes. We did not move a inch for 65 minutes.
It’s funny what commutes like that can do to a person. I spent the day feeling like God and the world at large owed me a favor, and all grievances I had with any other living creature were magnified by thousands, because I knew, in my heart of hearts, that everyone around me woke up, got dressed, had breakfast and got to the office in thirty minutes flat. Like, this one guy wanted me to sign something that I was apparently supposed to sign a week ago despite never hearing about it and despite the fact that I still have no idea what I signed, and grinding my teeth into bits was all I could do to avoid nonsequiturring his ass with a “YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT PAIN IS.” The ride home was just as shitty, and I’m proud to be one of the few hundred people on the planet who spent six hours commuting to and from work today. When I finally got home, I needed to take the edge off, and when beer won’t do, it’s time for Christmas candy.
One good thing about being so busy is that I haven’t been able to overindulge in hot holiday action too early, meaning that I’ll still be into this junk come December. (Which is doubly awesome since I have more days off in December than days “on.” Got a feeling Mare will be more wordy than usual this year.) That’s not to say that I haven’t gotten enough whiffs of Santa to know that even bad days can’t mask the best time of year. It’s pretty much Christmas 100% on the retail scene, with every store of every type dolled up with lights and garland, which a great way to advertise the fact that they sell lights and garland.
I got a small taste of the glories tonight — four new (well, new for me) Christmas candies, each based on some existing, popular candy that spends the rest of the year totally not Christmassized. My pickups included a Nerds Christmas ornament filled with you-know-what, a Russell Stover Coconut Wreath, a Santa-shaped Hubba Bubba “Twist ‘n Pour” thingy, and a Santa-shaped bag of Jolly Rancher “Double Blasts.” Lots of Santa-shaped things, ya see. I rarely buy holiday candy for eating purposes — they’re more akin to mantelpieces — but all of these made the grade and are a-okay for biting.
I’m kind of disappointed that the Nerds ornament didn’t include Christmas-colored Nerds candy inside, but that’s a minor gripe when you consider how awesome it is to have a tree ornament that makes maraca sounds when you shake it. The Hubba Bubba thing is filled with more appropriately colored pieces of gum, which pour out of a gaping hole in Santa’s mouth and just generally delight me. The Coconut “Wreath” is more like a Coconut “Frisbee” or Coconut “Sausage Patty” or Coconut “Skeet,” but Holy Mary is that thing GOOD. I didn’t have high hopes for the Jolly Rancher “Double Blasts,” but it was another nice surprise. Picture a Jolly Rancher with pinholes on each side. Now picture that same Jolly Rancher with copious amounts of pixystick dust hidden inside. I don’t know if that sounds attractive on paper, but it works.
That’s about all for tonight, I guess. I’m halfway done with a “real” article that has nothing to do with the holidays, which is nice, and then we’ll get to some articles that do have to do with the holidays, which could also be nice. We’ll see. Maybe one will be nice and one won’t. Ding dong yum.
Posted by Matt. E-mail me!
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Nothing says “November” like magical, colorful, funderful vomit from Santa Claus!