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August Megaparty #23: Yellowjackets!

What do you do when your website is infested with yellowjackets?

YOU KILL THEM. Yellowjackets are bastards. I know firsthand. When I was five or six, the neighbor kids and I were playing in my old backyard, and we stumbled too close to a series of bushes that hadn't been touched by human hands in over a decade.

With one misstep and my best friend's first loudly shouted obscenity, a swarm -- an absolute swarm -- of yellowjackets surrounded our persons and stung us to holy fuck. These aren't your ordinary stinging insects: They can sting, and keep stinging, and keep stinging without dropping their abdomens. With a somewhat exaggerated reputation for being vicious motherfuckers, there's no denying one thing in particular: Yellowjackets do not like having their nests disturbed, and unwittingly, that's what we did. And they were PISSED.

Several dozen stings and several dozen screams later, our mothers rescued us and, later in the day, bought us toys either as compensation or as a reward for setting the Guinness record for most yellowjacket stings without a subsequent hospital stay. Ever since then, the formerly amicable relationship I had with yellowjackets was tarnished.


A few weeks ago, I came across this device in Home Depot. I don't know. One second I was buying paint, and the next I found myself in an aisle featuring 20,000 ways to kill bugs. To be perfectly honest, due to the wording on the package, I thought I was buying a way not to kill yellowjackets, but to capture and release them to safer, not-near-me pastures. I thought it'd be really cool to be a hero in the yellowjacket community, because maybe then they'd strike my name from their record book of people who committed past nest-mangling crimes that deserved to be stung to death.

When I checked the product's official site, I quickly realized that this was in no way, shape or form a method to make good with my enemies. Using a replicated sex pheromone to draw in yellowjackets, the insects find themselves trapped in the yellow tube and eventually die of dehydration. There is no current proliferation of yellowjackets near my home, so I will not be testing this product. I see no reason to kill yellowjackets just to prove that I can. Or, at the very least, if I was going to kill yellowjackets just because I could, I'd do it all private-like and not advertise it on the Internet. Because I hate painting myself as a fucker.

Most ominous of the product's features listed on the website is its "clear plastic tube," which is only clear so that you can tally up your "yellowjacket body count." I know we cannot coexist with yellowjackets, but man, that's just spiteful.

Truth is, I love insects. All kinds. I don't read much in the way of fiction, but you can catch me with some kind of insect encyclopedia on a pretty much nightly basis. I've read enough about yellowjackets to know that they're only worth killing if there's a horde of them trying to kill you. In fact, the bastards are far more interested in taking out flies, caterpillars and other assholes who conspire to ruin your home garden.

Reading up on yellowjackets has also taught me why my old friends and I were almost destroyed by them: They build their nests in the soil, and it's a safe bet that one of us stepped right on top of one. Look, if I had a needle coming out of my ass and some alien giant starting stomping on my house, I'd use it, too.

On the other hand, I hate it when these bastards lurk too close to my soda cans when I'm soda canning outdoors. In such cases, I give you full permission to slay.

More Bugs on X-E: The Sectaurs Hyve - Insections - Kingdom of the Spiders.

Posted by Matt on 08/23/2006. E-mail me!



Discussion Thread: 110 comments
1 2 3 … 5

I too love insects; somehow I haven’t intentionally killed one in years. I guess you could call me the giant fucking monster Jesus of ants.

That there trap is pretty sick, are you supposed to sacrifice a chicken to activate it?

Chestnuts roasted by Darth Poop @ 08/23/2006 5:06 PM

Gross. Yeah, I’m vegan and all, but when it comes to bugs… it’s a totally different ball game.

Me and my best friend, at the time, did something similar, but with way less damage. We had to go to the shed out back of her parents house and get something, and all of a sudden, these half alive half frozen bees started sticking to us. Felt like little needles, and they wouldn’t come off of our clothes. It was so disgusting. :(

When I was even younger, a jellowjacket or bumble bee, whatever it was, chased me around the yard, and I was screaming, but mom couldn’t f’in hear me because she had the vacuum cleaner going. :| Luckily he didn’t get me, but my bug and vacuum hatred probably started right then.

Chestnuts roasted by Ryane @ 08/23/2006 5:12 PM

Ryane, that first sentence makes it sound like you eat bugs. That’s ewgie.

Chestnuts roasted by Jeff @ 08/23/2006 5:15 PM

Hi all, long time reader first posting.

These insects taught me a vaulable lesson in college about not swatting a bug just because it lands on your neck.

Bug toys in general are very cool though and Sectaurs prove it by being awesome.

Chestnuts roasted by Kimo @ 08/23/2006 5:28 PM

We had a yellowjacket nest in my front yard last week. They make a hole or occupy one from a mole or snake or something. In any case, I poured a little gas in it and they acted all pissed and either left or died. I hate to pour gas in my yard especially that close to the well, but I can’t be responsible for swatting at these things and not spilling my beer while mowing.

Chestnuts roasted by klatubaradanikto @ 08/23/2006 5:28 PM

That’s Funny you chose this item to write about, I just discovered a nest of these buggers inside my deck last night. They managed to get in between the metal siding and the floor, and I have no idea how I’m going to get them out. Wouldn’t be that big of a deal, but my cat keeps trying to eat them.

Chestnuts roasted by Gene @ 08/23/2006 5:30 PM

No wasp story…is that your closet or is that Home Depot?

Kinda curious about the statues. Not so much the churchy one but what is the giant ear and what looks like my grampy’s hairline attached to? Is there a life-sized boy statue in your closet??? What the hell is that?

Chestnuts roasted by MaryJane @ 08/23/2006 5:34 PM

A couple of years ago, I was out checking sprinklers on the four wheeler and got a sweat bee to the eyeball at about twenty-five miles an hour. That wasn’t fun. Fortunately, I was in the middle of the field instead of the middle of the road, and so the fact that I was clawing wildly at my face for an extended period of time instead of steering didn’t end in my untimely death by telephone pole. Anyway, I eventually persuaded him to leave my eyeball, but he’d already stung me repeatedly. My eye swelled almost completely shut and turned a really ridiculously dark shade of red.

Good times.

Chestnuts roasted by Jedoc @ 08/23/2006 5:35 PM

Your description of the trap reminds me of a line from Payback. “Thats just mean man!”

Chestnuts roasted by mudogramx @ 08/23/2006 5:36 PM

I know one thing, thats a spooky ass looking doll guarding the yellwjacket prison!

Chestnuts roasted by Ryan H. @ 08/23/2006 5:38 PM

When I was three or four I stepped on a yellowjacket. The stinger went into that part of the foot that is very ticklish and sensitive. I was dying as my father tried to pull it out.

Chestnuts roasted by Denise @ 08/23/2006 5:39 PM

I ran into a homemade yellowJacket trap once on some forgotten site. It was a tripod of sticks, with a piece of fish-meat hanging from it over a shallow pan of soapy water. The buzzers fly up to chomp a chunk off of the fish, and start knocking each other off and into the suds. Soapy water has less surface tension, gums up their breathing holes, and they drown right quick. Then, all you do is skim the dead pool and maintain the level (about an inch-and-a-half to two should do it) once a day. Change the fish chunk too, before it starts to swim again.

Or, rely on the old-fashioned Binaca Blast method of breath spray and Bic lighter to torch ‘em in mid flight. Toasty and minty.

Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 08/23/2006 5:45 PM

I was stung a few times as a child and that fear has stayed with me to this day. I’m not scared of bugs, but if I see something that can fly AND sting, then I turn into a total coward. Thankfully it’s really only hornets and wasps that do it to me. There is nothing worse than a 6’6 300 pound guy locking himself in a room when a single wasp has invaded his home.

Chestnuts roasted by Punisher Bass @ 08/23/2006 5:46 PM

Jeff: hehe, no. No way would I ever eat a bug! Eek! I truly meant in the “I’m vegan but I won’t hold back on killing a grody bug” kind of ballgame :)

Chestnuts roasted by Ryane @ 08/23/2006 5:53 PM

We were infested last year with yellowjackets to the point we had to close down an entire room. Before we did, while staying in there, there was no less than 3 times that yellow jackets flew right up my pant legs causing me to run out of here screaming in my boxers.

Chestnuts roasted by dohopoki @ 08/23/2006 5:57 PM

I took an entomology class a couple years ago and it honestly made me want to become an entomologist…but you have to take a lot of math and science for that, and it was going to happen. I also love insects and my friends make fun of me for it. I own these really cool plastic rings that have grasshoppers or spiders on them and they look pretty real.

Chestnuts roasted by Katella @ 08/23/2006 5:59 PM

Certainly an unusual and interesting choice of entry to the Megaparty.
Quick yellowjacket story: In our 2nd apt., they were coming in through the light fixture in our bedroom, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT! Mrs. Manimal was stung and cried most of the night. We had to drive to her parents house 45 minutes away.
I taped a garbage bag around the light to trap them and squished them when they were trapped. The next day, I declared war on the nest outside. Killed many but I got stung. Man, it hurt for at least 6 hours. I’ve been stung by bees and wasps but that yellowjacket one was brutal.
BOTTOM LINE: Don’t go looking for trouble but when it’s on, go medieval.

Chestnuts roasted by The Manimal @ 08/23/2006 6:16 PM

Man, this article reminded me of this time when I was a kid, probably in 5th grade. Maybe 6th. I had this friend that was one weird fucker. He’d wear short and a tank top in the dead of winter and this huge orange and yellow parka in the summer. Just a weird kid. The kind of kid that you can only be friends with if you live next door to him or something. You’d never want to admit you know him at school or you’d find yourself on the receiving end of a severe beating.

But that’s off the subject and this is going to be long now and nobody’s going to read it. But anyway.

This kid and my brother and I were walking in the woods by my house. I was in the lead, then my brother, then this kid, Randy. So I inadvertantly step on this yellowjacket nest and immediately the air fills with this angry fuckers. I take off like a bat out of hell, with my brother right behind me. He got stung a couple of times, but his kid, Randy, he looked like The Fly in that David Cronenberg remake.

Of course, I didn’t know he was allergic to bees until he died. But from then on I was damn cautious about yellowjacket nests.

Chestnuts roasted by Chris Martin @ 08/23/2006 6:31 PM

I for one, really hate bees of any kind, especially Yellow Jackets.

And that Trap and your description resemble one of those fake ads from SNL about the roach trap that doesn’t kill roaches, but traps them in glue, tears off their legs and beat them with it, and then dangle a piece of food in front of them. I remember it having the tagline “It Won’t kill them, but it will give something for them to think about.”

And from the last blog if this wasn’t seen:

Denise…Holy. Shit. I do know you!! I’ve actually seen your myspace a few times, but that display pic doesn’t do you justice (then again, neither does mine. Every pic of the real me is too big for some reason)

Damn…small world.

Chestnuts roasted by Invader Norbert @ 08/23/2006 6:59 PM

If there were a regular bumble bee trap I know I would buy it. I wouldn’t want to see the dead bodies though, they give me the creeps almost as much as an alive bee. Ever since I was stung when I was four or five, whenever I see a bee/wasp of any sort, I basically scream like a girl and run away. :) I hate being outside in the summer near grass (especially when mowing the lawn) ’cause I always think they’re going to attack me for trying to run them over with the lawnmower.

Then again, I hate flies too. Maybe it’s more of a flying/buzzing thing.. I could take the pain of a sting but the sound is horrible, in my opinion.

Chestnuts roasted by Christine @ 08/23/2006 7:13 PM

Just caught Morgan busting up the current-gen consoles. Ah, I was right, short hair does cure all diseases. Officially, the first time I’ve ever found Morgan attractive. Now find some scissors and make that permanent!

Regarding my post in the last thread, I was also Hair Commentator, as if you didn’t just gasp that realization yourself. Remember those two wacky posts? I probably spelled it with an “e” instead of an “o”, because well, I can’t spell, Right Manimal? :P

Chestnuts roasted by Knegative @ 08/23/2006 7:16 PM

No Yellowjacket story here, only hornets not why I’m posting anyways. I’m posting because I see in that picture you possess(assuming this pi was taken at home) a product that allows you to make your own grow toy!?! I have not seen such a thing. And believe me, I stop by the toy aisle whenever I get sent by the misses to buy something I don’t want to. Where did you get this? Is it worthwhile? Is this what the new article is about? I also note that you have that Ipod dog that plays your tunes and has odd lights instead of a face.

Chestnuts roasted by TAK @ 08/23/2006 7:33 PM

I have a morbid fear of anything that flies and can sting you. Seriously, I freeze and can’t move. This goes for Wasps, Bees, Hornets, etc. Scares the shit out of me. I’m not allergic (that I know of), but I’m still scared to death of them.

I know bees are beneficial and produce honey, spread pollen etc, and that they generally will leave me alone because hey, if they sting me, they die. However, all those other flying, stinging insects can DIAF for all I care…

Chestnuts roasted by Cameron T. @ 08/23/2006 8:01 PM

I have an irrational fear that I’ll be stung and find out I’m allergic, despite the fact that I was stung at least twice as a child and had no allergies. But then, I wasn’t allergic to apples, cherries, or strawberries as a child either.
There was a time at the playground when I was hanging from a bar and felt something under my chin. I looked down and smushed a bee between my neck and chest, and it totally stung my face. Really, not a good day.

Chestnuts roasted by Jessica Marie @ 08/23/2006 8:10 PM

That trap looks like a toy. I thought that today’s blog was going to be about some toy that you trap bees in and keep them, like a bee farm or something.
I don’t really have an intesting bee story. I’m going to tell the story anyway, so I can feel like I fit in :D …. I once was standing on a bee and it stung me, but I did’nt know until I started walking away. I felt this odd pain, so I looked down and the bee was dead and stuck in my ankle! I had to pull him off me, t’was gross.

Chris Martain, I hope your kidding about your friend dying!?

Chestnuts roasted by IHAQ @ 08/23/2006 8:13 PM

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This entry was posted on Wednesday, August 23rd, 2006 at 4:55 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.