Feito was of the species Ovion, an insect-like race of carnivores that were native to the planet Carillon. During a galactic war between humans and cybernetic automatons, they were almost completely destroyed. A small group of survivors slowly made their way across the galaxy in an intergalactic transport that looked remarkably like a 1957 Chevy Bel-Air convertible. During the course of their travels, one Ovion was ejected due to bogarting the last of a precious herbal compound that, upon ingestion, assisted them in dealing with the trauma of getting their collective asses kicked. (Footnote: an Ovion’s funky vest was made from the fibrous matter of this oranic compound). Another was unfortunately killed when he decided to car surf while traveling through the C-Beams of the Tannhauser gate, a few lightyears south of the shoulder of Orion. Yet another Ovion became deceased after they picked up what seemed to be an attractive hitchhiker which shared many similar insect-like traits to the Ovion species and was soon consumed by this insectoid whore. The Ovions had been away from their kind so long that this unfortunate Ovion did not remember that oral sex amongst his species always led to being eaten, quite literally. On approach to a solar system consisting of nine planets, he turned on his quantum communicator to detect life-forms. There were many messages floating through space. Unfortunately, many were scrambled and appeared to be naked humanoid forms with a breast, ass or penis occassionally visible through the scrambled image. As he continued to scour different channels, he came across a visual historical record chronicling the intense battle between a group of humanoids and automatons against a tall, black and metallic humanoid with subservient white-armored slaves that could not shoot straight. After watching this visual record, this Ovion went to sleep and had troubled dreams involving the human-shaped and bucket-like automatons. When he awakened, he drew these nightmarish images on napkins that were stuffed in his intergalactic glove compartment. He soon realized that he had been driving without paying attention to the galaxy and promptly ran into a planet. Due to the fact that his galactic cruising vessel looked like a cruising vessel driven by the indigenous life of that planet, suspicions were not raised that it was of extra-terrestrial origin. A human female by the name of Virginia Holt happened upon the crash and found the Ovion drawings. She promptly took them with the plan of incorporating them into a children’s book that she had written. Her publisher had publicly humiliated her by stating that she "couldn’t even draw flies if she was made of cowshit". She saw this has her ticket to success. She did not realize, however, that Feito had signed his drawings while practicing his humanoid-style writing. When this was addressed by her publisher, she lied. Ms. Holt told him that he was a Spanish artist friend of hers that had unjustly died at the hands of a 3-legged goat and that she wanted to pay tribute to him by publishing this book.

Later, Feito awakened and found himself being scrutinized by a large, helmet-wearing humanoid. "Hello, I’m God", announced this human.

"Where am I?", asked Feito the Ovion. "More imporantly, who am I?"

"Hmm, sit back, my smelly insectoid friend. Let me catch you up on your life so far…….."

Chestnuts roasted by freudguy @ 08/15/2006 1:26 PM

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So on a slightly more serious note, it turns out that "feito" is a Portuguese word. According to an online dictionary, it may be translated variously as "shaped, made, stereotyped, vicarious, done, deed, feat, accomplishment, activity." I’m not entirely sure how this ties in with the mystery, but at least we’ve learned that the poor old Portuguese have to get a lot of mileage out of their vocabulary words. Perhaps they’ve only got a couple dozen available to them. The rest were probably stolen by the French or the Spanish, or any of the other nations who make a living abusing the Portuguese from the Imperial Romans on up.

So here’s what we know:

1. Feito may be a word rather than a name. The possible meaning of "vicarious" is especially interesting in this context. Perhaps it denotes an illustrator who wanted a fat paycheck from Lucas but didn’t want his good name connected with "Shiny-assed Droid."

2. Whoever Feito may be, he or she has never seen C-3PO, judging by the illustration on the cover. At best, C-3PO has been described to them second-hand, perhaps by a mentally challenged child or Larry King.

3. Feito will not stop until we are all dead.

Chestnuts roasted by Jedoc @ 08/15/2006 1:48 PM

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During a galactic war between humans and cybernetic automatons, the Ovion of the planet Carillon were almost completely destroyed. A small group of survivors slowly made their way across the galaxy in an intergalactic transport that looked remarkably like a 1957 Chevy Bel-Air convertible.

On the course of their travels, 3 of the 4 Ovions met inauspicious deaths. One Ovion was ejected due to bogarting the last of a precious herbal compound that, upon ingestion, assisted them in dealing with the trauma of getting their collective asses kicked. (Footnote: an Ovion’s funky vest was made from the fibrous matter of this organic compound).
Another was unfortunately killed when he decided to car surf while traveling through the C-Beams of the Tannhauser gate, a few light years south of the shoulder of Orion.
Yet another Ovion became deceased after they picked up what seemed to be an attractive hitchhiker which shared many similar insect-like traits to the Ovion species. He was soon consumed by this insectoid whore after she reportedly told him, "ekha seh wertad", which translates to "I like to swallow". The Ovions had been away from their kind so long that this unfortunate Ovion did not remember that oral sex amongst his species always led to being eaten, quite literally.

On approach to a solar system consisting of nine planets, he turned on his quantum communicator to detect life-forms. There were many messages floating through space. Unfortunately, many were scrambled and appeared to be naked humanoid forms with a breast, ass or penis occassionally visible through the scrambled image. As he continued to scour different channels, he came across a visual historical record chronicling the intense battle between a group of humanoids against a tall, black and metallic humanoid with subservient white-armored slaves that could not shoot straight. After watching this visual record, this Ovion went to sleep and had troubled dreams involving the human-shaped and bucket-like automatons observed in the message. When he awakened, he drew these nightmarish images on napkins that were stuffed in his intergalactic glove compartment.

He soon realized that he had not been paying attention to the galaxy and promptly ran into a planet. Due to the fact that his galactic cruising vessel looked like a cruising vessel driven by the indigenous life of that planet, suspicions were not raised that it was of extra-terrestrial origin. A human female by the name of Virginia Holt happened upon the crash and found the Ovion drawings. She promptly took them with the plan of incorporating them into a children’s book that she had written. Her publisher had recently publicly humiliated her by stating that she "couldn’t even draw flies if she was made of cowshit". She saw these drawings as her ticket to success. She did not realize, however, that the Ovion had written "Feito", which translates to "Fuck you in your insect-mandibled ass", on the drawings out of boredom and latent neglected libido. When this was addressed by her publisher, she lied. Ms. Holt told him that "Feito" was a Spanish artist friend of hers that had unjustly died at the hands of a 3-legged goat and that she wanted to pay tribute to him by publishing this book.

Later, the Ovion awakened and found himself being scrutinized by a large, helmet-wearing humanoid. "Hello, I’m God", announced this human as he smoked the remnants of the Ovion’s vest.

"Where am I?", asked the Ovion. "More imporantly, who am I?"

"Hmm, sit back, my smelly insectoid friend. Let me catch you up on your life so far…….."

Chestnuts roasted by freudguy @ 08/15/2006 2:31 PM

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http://dvd.ign.com/articles/725/725079p1.html

I thought you’d be interested in knowing this exists.

Chestnuts roasted by ICMANTT @ 08/15/2006 4:54 PM

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The fact that book was ever given shelf time in a store gives me hope that one day, I too will be a published writer. Of course, I’ll have to sell out and write a book about Care Bears or um, Smurfs. What year is this? Where am I?

Feito is the illustrator’s nickname for his big toe.

Chestnuts roasted by Julie @ 08/15/2006 5:47 PM

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Hey, Matt—

Regrettably, I’m going to have to miss out on the rest of the August Megaparty due to computer problems beyond my control. See the link in my name for more.

This is the last you bloggers will probably hear from me until September, I’m sad to say….

Chestnuts roasted by Mars @ 08/15/2006 6:59 PM

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"Feito" is the name of the machine that illustrates all the board and little, little kids’ books based on TV and movie characters.

Chestnuts roasted by starwenn @ 08/15/2006 7:48 PM

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Feito is … Frank’s father!

Chestnuts roasted by jcs @ 08/15/2006 9:00 PM

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On an unrelated note, I hope no one’s crotch has caught on fire from their Dell. Check them batteries, kiddies.

My crotch is always on fiyah! *sizzle*

Chestnuts roasted by Mystie @ 08/15/2006 9:25 PM

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[i]My crotch is always on fiyah! *sizzle*[/i]

HA HA! Mystie is a redhead…

…oh, wait…

Chestnuts roasted by Frito @ 08/15/2006 9:50 PM

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Feito is wondering what the hell Poop is talking about. Like ever. Was that an attempt to stay on topic, by throwing Feito into that space-time anomoly you call a post?

Chestnuts roasted by Knegative @ 08/15/2006 9:59 PM

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Feito is a creature with portholes where gold and salt come out.

Chestnuts roasted by Welsh Rabbit @ 08/15/2006 11:55 PM

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Feito is actually the brother of Kuato (of Total Recall fame). As far as outer appearance goes , Feito looks exactly the actor Marshall Bell (they are in fact exact twins) with the small exception that while Kuato received the ‘mutated, psychic, left sided brain’ / upperbody / torso, Feito instead has 2 tiny legs, a pelvis and two micro-penises (a commone affliction to mutant nether-regions as he was one often witnessed getting double jug-tugs from the 3 breasted hookers.). Feito was very skilled with his toes, much like any other simians, and his illustrations often resembled scenes taken from his young life on Mars. He was well recognized for his talents and Cohaagen himself once remarked of a tribute mural Feito had made for the former OCP exec ‘God damn mutie. You’re exactly right. I finally DO have what I want, and I WILL give these people air.’ Ultimately Cohaagen reneged on the offer further upsetting Feito and forcing the young mutant to leave Mars for greener pastures/planets. Feito currently resides on Venus and in his spare time draws comic strips for heavy metal. And droids.

Chestnuts roasted by Keens @ 08/17/2006 12:57 PM

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