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August Megaparty #14: Who is Feito?

August Megaparty Survey: Who is Feito?

LUKE: Oh great, here comes Frank.

JASON: What's wrong with Frank?

LUKE: Dude, you kiddin? Watch and learn -- guy can't go five seconds without making up some ridiculous lie.

FRANK: What's up guys?! I invented the wheel!

LUKE: Frank, you DID NOT invent the wheel. Why you always making shit up?

FRANK: What are you talking about? I absolutely did too invent the wheel.

LUKE: Ever notice that nobody likes talking to you? Saying stuff like about how you invented the wheel, or what was it last time -- you control the weather? -- that's why nobody likes talking to you.

LUKE: Because you, sir, are one ugly four-armed lying fuck.

FRANK: You don't believe me?! Why wouldn't you believe me? I would never lie to my friends!

FRANK: So I ask myself, "Self? Do you have to take this abuse?" And I answer, "No! No, self! I don't have to take this abuse!" I'm leaving!

LATER:

FRANK: Hey! Hey you!

ZAPOW: Problem, pardnah?

FRANK: YEAH there's a problem! Ever since you pulled me out of that car wreck and saw signs of amnesia, I've trusted you to tell me who I was and what I am. But I'm starting to find it a little suspicious that NOBODY believes I invented the wheel, and NOBODY believes I can control the weather, and NOBODY believes that I once ran for the United States presidency but had to bail out early to save Mars from rogue Earth bats who learned how to survive out there. And I also find it a little weird that you know all of THAT about me, and yet, you don't know what my actual NAME is. And why'd you have to nickname me "Frank?" Everyone hates that name!

ZAPOW: You've said plenty. I need several hours to digest this.

SEVERAL HOURS LATER:

ZAPOW: Okay Frank, I don't know your real name, I admit it. But everything I've told you is true! Look, I don't know who you're talking to out there, but I know this much about 'em: They're jealous. And why not? Wouldn't you be jealous of some random guy who invents wheels, saves planets and makes it rain? I mean, hell, even I'm jealous, and like I've told you before, I'm secretly God. Wheels, planet-saving, weather...all that, and your eyes are made of pure gold to boot!

FRANK: My eyes are made out of pure gold?

LATER:

ELEPHANTONY: Get adda here, ye bum! Ye eyes, they not be made of gold! Foul liar is this!

ROBOT: When matters do not compute, we robots say FUCK YOU FOR LYING, LIAR!

FRANK: My life coach said you'd be jealous. But it doesn't make this hurt any less.

LATER:

FRANK: The only way I'm going to feel better about today is by reading a good book.

FRANK: Today is my lucky day. "Shiny As A Droid!" A storybook that will give me things to see, touch and smell from a galaxy far, far away!

FRANK: Alien paw fuzzy. Fuzzy not so much like a real alien paw, but like a pool table. Alien paw like a pool table.

FRANK: Oooh! Exotic alien fungus smells like carrots eaten up and shit out by a masochistic creature who lines his own intestinal track with foul smelling poison!

FRANK: When I pen my great rock anthem, the first line will be, "I'm surfin' the stars like a beach bum on Mars." The second and third lines probably won't top it.

ZAPOW: You wrote that book, you know.

FRANK: I wrote "Shiny As A Droid?" Holy crap I'm awesome.

ZAPOW: Yeah, and since you wrote it, your real name should be somewhere on the front cover. Unless you used a pseudonym, which would suck, because you probably would've made your pseudonym sound like a real name, and then, we might never know for sure if the name we see on the front cover was legit or a handle you made up to discourage stalkers.

FRANK: Anything's better than "Frank."

FRANK: Virginia Holt. My name is Virginia Holt? I'm a girl?

FRANK: I guess the only question left is, "Who the fuck is Feito?"

FRANK: Feito! Here boy! Whee whoo whip whip! C'mere Feito! WHO ARE YOU FEITO? FEITO, TELL ME MY STORY I NEEEEED TO KNOW!

Your Mission: Continue this Story.
Give Feito an identity and tell us his story. How does he fit into the scheme of things? Who is Feito?

Posted by Matt on 08/14/2006. E-mail me!



Discussion Thread: 78 comments

I knew you woudn’t forget! I’m really not sure who Feito is.

Chestnuts roasted by Bludge @ 08/14/2006 11:49 PM

I hate to say first, so I will just say you just made the deadline by 10 minutes. I’m probably not first anyway.

Chestnuts roasted by Bob @ 08/14/2006 11:50 PM

Feito is actually Frank.

Chestnuts roasted by Matthew J @ 08/14/2006 11:54 PM

I meant "wouldn’t," and I think Feito is an artist of ambiguous European descent who illustrated little blue creatures that wore white hats. He then had his thunder (and copyright) stolen by another artist of ambiguous European descent…

Chestnuts roasted by Bludge @ 08/14/2006 11:55 PM

(You know, it could be because I got out of work really late, but that alien paw fuzz looked like it was in such an inappropriate place.)

But I believe Feito graduated from the School of Visual Arts in 81, only to illustrate one of the most compelling pieces of literature of our time, ovbiously. That is all I can say about Feito.

HOWEVER. If you rearrange the letters of Virginia Holt you get "A Thriving Oil", which is what runs through Feito’s veins. Think about it.

Chestnuts roasted by Denise @ 08/14/2006 11:55 PM

Feito is one of the Jackson Five, no?

Chestnuts roasted by gramsci @ 08/14/2006 11:59 PM

Matt, that’s awesome! I love it when you do little comics with action figures who say “fuck” a lot.

Feito is a man who likes to draw big fuzzy pink things that hide in bushes and whom you can see, touch, and smell. I need a shower.

Chestnuts roasted by Darth Poop @ 08/15/2006 12:02 PM

mission: failed

Chestnuts roasted by jrh @ 08/15/2006 12:04 PM

From the Universal Hankbook:
Throughout the long history of the universe many alien races have existed. One of the earliest recorded alien races was the Clotherians. They were known as explorerers but also for their rare and unusual abilities and biological make-up. The Clotherians were best known for the various travel guidebooks that they created to help other species around the universe. It is also rumored that that can control the weather on certain planets depending on their atmospheric conditions. It is also speculated that many Clotherians may have had an historical impact on the various planets they visited over time and helped the natives of that planet create items that, while insignificant at their creation, become extremely important later in that planet’s history. It is beleived that the Clotherians were hunted to extention because their over-sized eyes contained the same chemical components of a rare mineral seen as valuable on many planets. Some believe, however, that there may be many Clotherians left throughout the universe, leftover from their expeditions. It is speculated that many have adapted to life on their new planet and possibly some may be unaware of who they once were due to events beyond their control.

Chestnuts roasted by Shuanfu @ 08/15/2006 12:10 PM

Feito is the gem of the ocean.

Chestnuts roasted by Mystie @ 08/15/2006 12:10 PM

Feito is a chain smoking poker player.

Chestnuts roasted by Ranger Joe @ 08/15/2006 12:13 PM

Feito is the number one touring group of Germany from ’89-’90. Spanning TWO decades. And no worries Matt, you still had a half an hour if you go by central time.

Chestnuts roasted by Ed (via PSP) @ 08/15/2006 12:35 PM

Feito is a computer from the future that traveled back in time to draw stories of the past.

Chestnuts roasted by Cameron T. @ 08/15/2006 12:35 PM

Hmmm….Where to start…

Feito was a plain, ordinbary pasta dish that was turned away by Jabba The Hutt, and was cast away to the Hippy Colony on the planet Cannabas Foretwentee. There, the pasta was brought to life by the magical Crayon Fairy that had been kicked out of his home because he told his father that he wanted to become a Wood Nymph and seeked revenge by accidentally stumbling upon the pasta and ate it for himself.

Upon finding out that this pasta was not the Bowtie Pasta that he loved, rather that it was an assorted mix of various non-Bowtie Pastas, the dish appeared back on the colony ground no less than 6 hours later.

And soon the pasta dish had gained superfulous powers by the Crayon Factory during their journey, and they mutated and formed into a giant humanoid creature that had several different skin colors and gained the ability to change the color of anything it touched.

So the Pastafarian, as its religion stated it to be, entered and won the 908th Tie-off Competition on Earth-1. Due to a typo on the registration sheet, the Pasta Creature had to think up of a new name to cal itself, so it named itself after the very competition it won, but it had no brain pasta in it, and therefore no reading comprehension, so it called itself Feiton.

Using the the prize money and stack of oversize white cardboard paper it won in the competition, Feiton decided to create a tell-all storybook of the one creature that refused to eat him: Jabba The Hutt, along with a writer, A Thriving Oil.

And that’s how Oktoberfest started…Wait, what was this survey about again?

Chestnuts roasted by Invader Norbert @ 08/15/2006 12:37 PM

Feito is a prior love interest of Frank’s. However, Feito was married to a man named Zapow, the famous publisher. Zapow got his woman a gig illustrating the upcoming best-seller "Shiny as a Droid" by Virginia Holt.

Coming home late from the office, Zapow finds his wife in bed with his oldest friend Frank. After clobbering his skull into the wall serveral dozen times, Zapow threw Frank’s body into his own car, accelerating it into a brick wall. Zapow left Frank there, went home and reconsiled/blackmailed Feito into never speaking of the night again.

When Frank came to, Zapow was walking out to his car, heading to work and noticed him staggering around. Seeing that Frank had amnesia, he took a few days off just to fuck with him, in his master scheme to have the entire neighborhood think Frank was the ultimate douchebag!!!

Wow, that ended up being really long…

Chestnuts roasted by ColonelCatsup @ 08/15/2006 12:40 PM

the sweet thing about living more west is Matt made his deadline with plenty of time to spare is is only 10:40 here.

As for Feito I like Bludges’ theory

or he/she could be a shark that went into space and got bombarded by gamma rays gaining telepathetic mind drawing powers.

Chestnuts roasted by mrjayberry @ 08/15/2006 12:42 PM

Two things…
This raises the question of which time zone are we using to determine the ‘deadline’. Should we say EST, as the ntworks go by? or is the earliest time zone in the US ok? And then do we mean continental or not?

Also, InvaderNorbert, were you referrencing the very excellent Kingdom of Loathing in your last post?

Chestnuts roasted by GadgetMouse @ 08/15/2006 12:47 PM

I want to know how to pronounce Feito. I know there’s people here who have English majors, which probably includes some classes on linguistics. So is it "Fight-o", "Feet-o," or "Fate-o?"

I sure hope it’s "Fight-o." It sounds like a He-Man character name.

Chestnuts roasted by spaz307 @ 08/15/2006 12:51 PM

Pretty sure it’s pronounced "Fay-toe"

It’s of Spanish/Latin origin.

Chestnuts roasted by ColonelCatsup @ 08/15/2006 12:52 PM

GadgetMouse:

1) Nope. I’ve never played it in my life. This was just stuff I thought was compelling and may be true.

2) I stand by my story, typos and all.

Chestnuts roasted by InvaderNorbert @ 08/15/2006 1:01 AM

Gadget Mouse:
I’m pretty sure we’re going by Matt’s timezone, which is EST. It’s around 1:15 here. :)

Chestnuts roasted by Denise @ 08/15/2006 1:13 AM

Matt,

I’m surprised that you would stoop to doing such an obvious ripoff of a classic film and not expect us to notice.

This is clearly "Fight Club": X-E style. Much like Tyler Durden, Zapow doesn’t really exist. I’m puzzled, though, as to which character is the female lead – Elephantony does have the cute showgirl outfit, but the obvious joke would be to have him as Meat Loaf…

Either way, Feito is Frank and Frank is Feito.

Chestnuts roasted by seawoolf @ 08/15/2006 1:52 AM

Feito is King Kong’s fetish

Chestnuts roasted by WonKa @ 08/15/2006 1:56 AM

Feito is the child in all of us. The rest of you eat children too, right?

(On an un-Feito related sidebar…Matt, have you seen Blackballed yet? There’s a very funny opening scene involving a certain beloved action figure line that you should check out).

PS…Isn’t the green dude supposed to have some kind of crazy vest?

Chestnuts roasted by Hellpop! @ 08/15/2006 2:31 AM

A Quote from the archetypical Old Man at the Church/Tavern/Sanctuary/Place in an RPG:

"Feito" (not his real name) was a pangalactic pervert with the sentence of life imprisonment on several systems. Eventually, he met with an equally twisted accomplice by the name of "Virginia Holt" (not her real name), and together they published a children’s book that "allows all the children of the galaxy to touch, taste, and semll the very same things that [they] love to touch, taste, and smell." They mostly just use it as a lure for children who are wandering about the hidden spaces of the galaxy in their space-bikes late at night when such children should really be in bed.

Litttle is known about what happened to Virginia, but Feito was reported as "Missing in Action" after a horrific car accident from which no body was recovered. Rumors circulate that he is still out and about, and goes by the name of Frank. Some say he no longer remembers his past as a twisted pervert.

Chestnuts roasted by Nate @ 08/15/2006 2:35 AM

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