I’ve only seen a few ice cream trucks all summer. I have no idea why, but the lack of trucks has forced my hand: If I want cold treats sure to induce brainfreezes, I must consult my local grocer’s freezer section. I wish it didn’t have to be that way, but at least the grocer supplies me with ice pops named after sharks.
From Popsicle, it’s “Great White,” a brand of ice pops that challenges us to find any real connection to sharks outside of the box art. They’re just white ice pops, plain-shaped, and they have nothing to do with sharks unless you really use your imagination to give them a gray/white gradient, fins, eyes, gills, a tail, jaws and a bad attitude. Whatever, the box says they’re sharks, and I’m more than happy to suspend disbelief if it’s going to let me think I’m sucking on sharks.
The box says they’re colorless, but they’re not so much colorless as they are “not-dyed.” Being not-dyed means that Popsicle can promote them as a “no mess” affair, much in the same way later incarnations of Hi-C Ecto-Cooler did away with our holy green in favor of a fruit juice that wouldn’t stain the rug. I’m okay with the lack of color in this case; for one, a shark-inspired ice pop feels on-brand in white, and for two, at least I can eat the things without looking like a prison bitch afterwards. That shit stops being cute when you’re too old to skirt the swift hand of justice with a Juvie sentence.
Aside from the usual collection of fun fruity flavors, some of the Great White pops are “mystery flavors.” I’m all about mystery flavors, even when they suck. The gimmick was taught to me by Dum-Dum lollipops, and I’ve loved it ever since. Sometimes, “mystery flavors” are scams — they’re just the normally included flavors under a different label. Here, they’re more special. The normal Great White flavors are cherry and orange, but the mystery flavor can be green apple, pineapple, watermelon or lemonade. There’s more mystery flavors than regular flavors! I LOVE SHARKS!
Score one point for Popsicle and two points for sharks at large. I’m proud of my Great White ice pops and I can’t wait to buy them birthday presents.
Oh, and this doubles as the Saturday Night Thread. For those new to the site, or to those who haven’t been paying close attention, the “SNT” is essentially a directionless babble lounge for all of us stuck indoors on Saturday nights. Don’t be scared to participate if you’re not a “regular,” because nobody here has a complex about their tenure, and everyone is totally welcoming of new faces (or names, I guess). I look at it like this: If you’re just mindlessly browsing various sites for hours, the SNT makes a great pit stop throughout the day/night for those small bits of INTERACTIVE FUN that will help keep you sane.
Posted by Matt. E-mail me!
Ghosted by 
I am so disappointed… I spent so much time, compiling all those links… sorting them out by date written… spacing them just right to make them pleasing to the eye… opening Notepad just to write it down…
Well I still love you, Toy Bulbasaur and various other Saurs… I STILL LOVE YOU DAMN IT!