Bit by the Pokemon bug after yesterday’s events, I got to thinking about this site I had bookmarked five years and three computers ago. I’m sure most of you have been in the same situation — randomly thinking about some site that you used to frequent that cannot possibly exist anymore, but somehow, it does. I guess it helps that mine was so easy to search for. There aren’t very many Google matches for “ivysaur toilet paper.”

The site is called DLTK’s Printable Crafts For Kids, and around five years ago, I used its section on Pokemon toilet paper roll crafts to entertain my niece and nephew while babysitting. This particular section of the site features dozens of printable templates for Pokemon characters that, when combined with the power of crayons and a toilet paper roll, create GOOD TIMES.

Credit goes to DLTK for the concept, but here’s my version, which eliminates the printable templates, because if you’re going to be in your twenties and making Pokemon crafts, you can damn well draw the Pokemon yourself.

To create your masterpiece, you’ll need: Paper, glue SCOTCH TAPE, crayons, a marker, a toilet paper roll, scissors, toothpicks and God given talent. Note the crossed out “glue.” While DLTK suggests glue for this project, it worked like shit for me. Scotch tape sightings might ruin some of the magic of your finished work, but damn, man, you’re making Pokemon out of toilet paper rolls. Who gives?

STEP ONE: Base the general size and body part ingredients for your chosen Pokemon on its specific DLTK entry. Draw the outline of the body parts on paper with marker, and then color ‘em all in with crayons. You can play it straight, play it avant garde, or play it like me: Really quickly and carelessly.

STEP TWO: After you’ve finished drawing and coloring all of the necessary body parts, neatly cut them out using a pair of scissors, which is not to say two scissors, but a pair of scissors, as if each individual blade constituted one scissor.

STEP THREE: Let’s see if I can explain this in a way that makes sense. You’re going to have to cover the toilet paper roll with your Pokemon’s body base color, so, color a rectangle large enough to cover the roll, and cut the bitch out. When finished, tape it onto the toilet paper roll. It should still be the same size and shape of a toilet paper roll, just now with a colored piece of paper taped around it. I’m sure there’s a better way to put that, but I don’t feel like trying.

STEP FOUR: With the colored paper now taped around the roll, it’s time to start adding body parts. Begin with the head. You can tape it, you can glue it — do whatever you’re gonna do, so long as the head is at the end of the roll, looking all saucy.

STEP FIVE: DLTK suggests gluing toothpicks to the underside of each leg; I suggest using tape. It’s easier, and you won’t be as relentlessly inclined to break down and eat it.

STEPS SIX – EIGHT OR SOMETHING: Tape the toothpicked legs to the body, add the trimmings (in this case, Ivysaur’s big ass tree flower thing), and enjoy. As you can see, I only had masking tape in the house. Ivysaur looks really stupid with masking tape over his legs, so make sure you’re not the 2nd house in the entire world to not have any Scotch tape in it before starting this awesome project.

Yeah. Well. I guess that’s it.

I’m really sorry about this, guys.

Oh well, I’m sure Ivysaur the Toilet Paper Pokemon will crumble into pieces by tomorrow, but I had fun building him again. If nothing else, it reminded me of all the fun I used to have babysitting those kids, who have now grown quite a bit, and who no longer need babysitting, and who would punch me in the crotch if I added “Pokemon arts and crafts” to a hat full of potential activities for them. But hell, it’s their fault I started watching Pokemon to begin with. My niece had this awesomely huge Dragonite pillow/doll that I used to fight her for, and my nephew insisted that I watch him play Pokemon Blue on Game Boy for hours on end, even though it was both grating and impossible to watch anyone play Game Boy. I guess what I’m saying is, I don’t care if they’re onto dating and basketball teams now — I’m going to force these poor children to make Pokemon statues with me the next chance I get, because I felt like a big dick building Ivysaur crafts without having any kids to pin it on.

Then again, I have a tattoo of his brother on my leg.

x2

Posted by Matt. E-mail me!