Every time a new soda flavor hits the shelves, I consider dancing. I love new soda, and the past few years have been an excellent time to love soda. The big companies are constantly competing with one another to be the first, or the best, or the biggest. In some cases, a company will force its own brands to compete against each other, because soda companies are stark raving lunatics. It’s a fact, and it’s a fact so alarming, I bet you just screamed “NO WAY” and busted a capillary. One of your eyes totally looks like shit now.
Joining the “MAKE EVERYTHING TASTE LIKE FRUIT AND CREAM” bandwagon a little late, Pepsi Strikes Back with its new “Pepsi Jazz” series — zero calorie soft drinks that promise to take what was once Diet Pepsi and transform it into Diet Pepsi with a sugar-free candy aftertaste. They succeeded, and along the way, they got really fancy with the bottle labels.
Dr Pepper has found much success with its “Berries & Cream” spinoff; actually, it found enough success to start a few new trends in Sodaland. Aside from beginning a fruiting/creaming revolution across the entire soft drink landscape, Dr Pepper also introduced us to the patented Outrageous Can. Check my old review for proof. With anything-but-typical flesh-colored cans, Dr Pepper’s goldendaughter forced even the people who hated the idea of a berry/cream soda to try it out. Pepsi Jazz goes the same route, invoking thoughts of Mardi Gras and upscale bakeries with the gaudy, colorful and reflective labels seen above.
The new drinks dare you to “indulge your senses,” and the whole marketing campaign seems eerily similar to that shitty string of commercials where two idiot women in Capri pants fancy yogurt as being “full service gas at self service prices good,” or “man who cleans his fingernails good.” Okay, whatever, I’m fine with sodas having identities. But the “Jazz” name…that I’m not so sure of. It just sounds like something that cannot possibly last on store shelves longer than a month in a half. If you think about it, it’d be a lot more interesting for Pepsi to introduce “Pepsi Jazz” and see it fail without a moment’s hope, because so many people would have the opportunity to boast about how they knew something called “Pepsi Jazz” would flop like a fish on a tin roof.
As for the taste, well, it’s nothing I’m starting a fan club over, but I wasn’t offended to the point where I’d locate any Pepsi Jazz fan club treehouses just to burn them down out of spite. I feel like I’ve tasted plenty better on the French Vanilla side, but “Strawberries & Cream” at least has the distinction of a unique taste. I also kind of dig it because Pepsi briefly had a strawberry flavor in the early ’90s; this tastes nowhere near as good as that stuff did, but getting the loose simile is akin to fucking the hot girl’s homely sister. Attraction by association or some shit. I dunno.
Posted by Matt. E-mail me!
Ghosted by 
Sorry.
Let’s all pray the answer is "YES!" and if not, they better frickin put Pitch Black II back out.
FIRST BOYAAAAAAA