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Riiiiicola.

I used to really enjoy being sick. All that television, all those people catering to you, all those forgiving cans of Chickarina, mmm.

Growing up sucks. Being sick isn't fun at all anymore. I've somehow gotten bronchial asthma in July, which struck me as odd because I haven't had asthma in any form since the 7th grade. It also struck me as odd because the doctor decided that I had bronchial asthma within sixteen seconds of not-shaking my hand. But, I'm wheezing, I've got a fever that hasn't totally subsided even after five days, and I'm coughing up steady supplies of backup ammo for the Horde Slime Pit. I guess that sounds like bronchial asthma. Bronchial asthma sounds like a big dinosaur to me, too.

I started feeling the devil's tickle in my throat late on Thursday, and by the time work was through on Friday, I was hacking like a less agile General Grievous. Come Saturday, I was a wreck. I was kind of looking forward to being down and out this week, but work is so crazybusy that I've basically telecommuted for more than my regular office hours. And, since nobody at the office can hear me coughing up blood, I'm not even getting any sympathy awards. This sucks.

On the other hand, being home these last few days has taught me that Master Television still sees fit to air reruns of 227 and Amen from time to time, and finding that out makes not being able to breathe totally worth it.

I've also learned that cough drops get really disgusting after the 3rd bag.

PS: The comments thread has morphed into a survey. Talk about the stupidest ways you've ever hurt yourself. I mean it.

Posted by Matt on 07/11/2006. E-mail me!



Discussion Thread: 156 comments

Well I have a few stupid injuries…

1. I figured out that if you stand on the bottom of a 2 wheeled box mover, and push the handle back and forth that the whole thing moves forward. So I push it down my sloping driveway, hit a rock, and smashed my face into the handle. I didn’t chip my tooth, I broke the entire bottom half off, and it wasn’t a baby tooth.

2. A few years ago I was in this little mindset that "I’m an action figure customizer!" So, I was cutting the hand off of a Batman action figure with an X-Acto knife, when my and slipped and went straight across the knuckle of my middle finger. Exactly like Goob’s story, I got stitches and had to wear a splint on it.

3. At Fenway theater (the theater in Boston near Fenway park) I was watching Star Wars Attack of the Clones. When the movie got out, I decided to slide down the railing, which was about a foot and a half wide. Almost near the bottom, I fell off backwards, about 7 feet. I landed on my hand, which squished my wrist and compound fractured it.

I’m sure I have a bunch more, but those are my top 3

Chestnuts roasted by Fierce Almond @ 07/14/2006 4:02 PM

This probably isn’t my worst or dumbest, just the first that came to mind: I was brushing my teeth and one of the bristles in my toothbrush came out and got stuck between two of my back teeth. It was sticking out, poking the inside of my mouth, and I couldn’t get it out with tweezers or anything. The poking was driving me crazy so I decided it would be better to cut the bristle, even if that meant half of it would still be lodged in my teeth. I don’t know how, but I managed to cut the corner of my mouth with the scissors instead, sliced it open right across where my top and bottom lip connect. That sucked. I don’t even remember what happened to the bristle.

Chestnuts roasted by dylan @ 07/14/2006 4:19 PM

That really sucks about Rome not coming back after 2nd season. Titus Pullo is one of my favorite TV characters.

Chestnuts roasted by Rob @ 07/14/2006 5:02 PM

I’m just now recalling a time in which my younger brother tripped and fell in the family room. My Dad asked him what was wrong. My brother tried to demonstrate what had happened only to have the same thing happen to him again in the process.

Chestnuts roasted by Nate @ 07/14/2006 5:16 PM

A few summers ago after my sophomore year at a northern california university I was playing late night four square with some roommates under street light. We had been making the court in the parking lot regularly for about a month and then complex brought in one of those oversizes dumpsters with gates on one end for people to get rid of nasty funiture.

They put the dumpster a few feet off one of the baselines adding a new and exciting improvisational element to the game. It was turning out to be a heck of a summer.

Then, after holding the servers square for a gaudy amount of time I thought I should kick it up a notch and serve from on top of the rail of the dumpster. I tried to one hop the dumpster and when I put my foot down I caught only a portion of the rail. My knee cap couldn’t support the weight, turned an exterior 90 degrees and I went flailing into the furniture bin in seering pain.

Stuck in the dumpster and afriad to move my patella to its natural position, my roommates called 911. The dumpster wasn’t terribly uncomfortable due to the ample amount of furniture.

Im pretty sure there were at least four emergency vehciles on the scene. The medics opened the gated side, removed furniture and cleared a path to carry me out on a strecher.

On the ambulance ride to the ER my knee cap gloriously moved back into place thanks to a hastily constructed cardboard brace.

Definitely the most seering pain I have experienced. If there is a moral to be found here it is…

Do not play extreme four square in sandals.

Chestnuts roasted by west @ 07/14/2006 5:18 PM

I have perhaps the dumbest way I got hurt, To this day I don’t know why I wasn’t hospitalized or killed. For that matter none of the other stupid kids huddled around me at the time of this event.

One day a bunch of us kids (we were maybe 10) were shooting off firecrackers throwing them at each other as I recall. This in itself was pretty dumb but not the focus of this little exercise.
Soon the fun came to an end with us running out of fireworks. (we were also shooting bottle rockets at cars through a drain pipe pretending we had a bazooka.)

Somewhere we came up with the idea that we could use bullets to make a noise…Yes, bullets 22′s to be exact…Now we were old enough to know the lead part was the bad part but not old enough to know much else. I mean a bullet with out the lead is a "blank" right. So we commence to prying the tip off several bullets and setting them on the concrete steps. With claw hammer in hand we commenced to make firecracker noises.
After smashing about 9 or 10 of these things flat one finally (unfortunately) went off. Now remember there were about 5 kids watching this spectacle. With a Bang that hammer can back up and smacked me in the chest, sending me back and onto my but. I’m sure it would have been hilarious to watch but for the thunderous noise. Once I got my breath back we took a look at the steps and discovered a gouge in the concrete and no bullet. We searched for awhile and never did find the remains. We decided that perhaps this was not the best idea in the world, moving onto something else just as dumb but not quite as dangerous.

Chestnuts roasted by Wenthral @ 07/14/2006 5:22 PM

Hope you are feeling a little better now, Matt. Thought of this site today when I noticed the first signs of Halloween decorations/assorted stuff sneaking onto the shelves of the local Big Lots (already?!)

Chestnuts roasted by Jon @ 07/14/2006 6:48 PM

Anyone else http://www.retrojunk.com/details_commercial/1588/">hanker for a hunka cheese?

Chestnuts roasted by AtomicPup @ 07/14/2006 8:31 PM

That cartoon style makes me glad that I was born late enough in the 70s for me to remember none of it.

Chestnuts roasted by Welsh Rabbit @ 07/14/2006 11:59 PM

When I was 17 I got into a huge fight with my brother (who was 19 at the time) and as I started punching him my head leaned down and went right into his fist. I got a huge black eye that was visible for about a week. At least I had a sensible reason for it.

Also, earlier this year when delivering phone books around suburban Raleigh I got bitten by a dog after someone at the house was negligent and left the fence gate loose. Fortunately there was no severe injury or blood loss, so there was no need for any legal stuff. That would have been a waste of our dough anyway.

Chestnuts roasted by mjf7583 @ 07/15/2006 12:16 PM

I could only make it through half of this page before getting too grossed-out to continue. We need a new topic…..

Chestnuts roasted by Mars @ 07/15/2006 1:25 AM

mjf2783:

North Carolina? Represent! The Triangle Rules

Chestnuts roasted by Fox @ 07/15/2006 1:43 AM

Back in the summer of 1991 my friend and I gained new found freedom with some sweet mountain bikes. We headed out on a quest to ride through every part of a very large neighborhood and began hitting some pretty steep hills.

We finally get to this one really really steep hill, and figure, the bigger it is, the faster we will go. We had to be hitting about 55 or 60 (in 9 year old bike on a hill speed, so maybe more like just really fast). The only thing we hadn’t accounted for was the end of the hill, which was also the end of the street which intersected with another street. We couldn’t stop at the stop sign because that would slow down the awesome speed we had attained.

Now, what happens next could be worse, I mean, I could have been hit by a truck or something since we blew past the stop sign like it wasn’t there. Instead, I just couldn’t make the turn. My friend did though, in case you were worried.

So I was going as fast as a 9 year old can go on a mountain bike down hill, through a stop sign and skiding into a turn only to pop over the curb and into a concrete drainage ditch that was about 6 feet deep. I was wearing a helmet, and it’s pretty fortunate, because I cracked a chip out of the concrete and cracked the helmet. I also broke my wrist (the two bones ended up criss crossing) and scaring up my knees. It knocked me out, and when I came to my friend struggled to pull me out. We limped over to some guy working in his yard who took me home, from there it was to the ER.

I was sedated and passed out in the ER again, and when the doctor reset my wrist I woke up, screamed, swung on him ripping out some IV’s only to pass out again.

What’s the moral of this story? Wear your helmet and make the front page of your local newspaper, be known by moms for the next few years as "see, helmets are there for a reason"

Chestnuts roasted by Fox @ 07/15/2006 2:19 AM

I only have nine toes, thanks to a chair. We had those old school kitchen/dining room chairs, with the hollow metal legs and rubber stoppers on the end. Well, this one didn’t have a rubber stopper, and I was scooting my chair up to eat breakfast (I was about 7 at the time, by the way) and slammed the chair down on my bare toe, cut it clean off. The owner of the house we were living in, calmly picked it up, and threw it in the garbage, never to be attatched again.

Chestnuts roasted by Chuck @ 07/15/2006 2:27 AM

I feel like a total idiot for this, but atleast there was no trip to the emergency room. It has to deal with your eye, so if the idea(*har har* no pun intended) weirds/freaks you out, quit reading. It really isnt too bad, just hurt like a mother.

When I was 8 we were learning about the senses in school. I’ve been bespectled since I was 7, so eyes always fascinated me, plus there was a video! One of the main parts of the video that I remember was that the pupil of your eye is a basically a hole. Of course, I took that literally, that is was just a hole, but in all reality, it’s a hole in the iris. Learned that the hard way.

So that same night, I’m getting ready for bed, and wanting to test this "pupil is a hole *WOW*"
idea, I have needle in hand. I had to psyche myself up for this, cuz it did go thru my head that maybe the guys in the video were lying…but I saw this in school, so it had to be true, right? Anyhoo, I remember staring at myself and the needle and my left eye for a good 15 minutes in the mirror. I finally go for it, and stab myself in my pupil.

Worst idea ever.

Hurt like hell. Just the idea of it now makes my eye sting and tear up. It was pretty much like getting poked in the eye, but I remember I couldnt open it for a good while.
My parents just found out about it about 2 years ago…no sypmathy, cuz I didnt go blind. Good times.

Chestnuts roasted by Yorissa @ 07/15/2006 2:50 AM

Oh, fox’s story reminds me. I was similarly going down a hill at mach4 on my brand new mountain bike. There was a 90 degree turn at the bottom of the hill, on one side, there was a ditch about 10 feet deep, and the other side, houses. I erred on the side of the houses. My bike slammed into the side of the house, I went over the handlebars, and broke my nose on their outside wall.

Chestnuts roasted by Chuck @ 07/15/2006 3:44 AM

My grandparents had a china cabinet right near their dining room table. They had a bench on each side of the table instead of chairs. When I was a kid, I used to love walking across that bench. My grandparents told me to stop, but I never heeded their warnings. I was about 5 years old at the time, and I had that foolish self-confidence only a little kid could posess. I managed to walk across the bench a few times, but my luck soon ran out. I fell the china cabinet’s window and ended up with a facefull of glass shards. As you can probably guess, that was the last time I walked across that bench.

Chestnuts roasted by Lithio @ 07/15/2006 8:29 AM

Hey all you fellow Canadians

Don’t you put it in your month
Don’t Stuff it in your face
Though it might look good to eat
And it might look good to tase!

Click my name for the clip!

Now I just want to see the Log Drivers Waltz and

Drugs drugs drugs
which are good, which are bad?
Drugs drugs drugs
ask your Mom or ask your Dad.

Chestnuts roasted by IHAQ @ 07/15/2006 9:37 AM

IHAQ:
Those Weird lil’ muppet things in that comercial make me a saaaaad panda….

Chestnuts roasted by JoshC @ 07/15/2006 9:53 AM

But the beet is so cute, and you gotta love the song. Come on now!

Chestnuts roasted by IHAQ @ 07/15/2006 12:56 PM

Thanks IHAQ that was very amusing and damn catchy. Gotta love the cheapo puppets as well.

Chestnuts roasted by Goob @ 07/15/2006 2:08 PM

AtomicPup, sadly, the voice of Timer (not to mention H.R. Pufnstuf), Lenie Wenrib, died on June 28

Chestnuts roasted by Invader Norbert @ 07/15/2006 3:41 PM

Weinrib was a lot of voices. He was the original voice of Scrappy Doo, but I never let that get in the way of my admiration of him. He was on a really funny episode of the Dick Van Dyke Show as a friend with a gift for prank phone calls.

Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 07/15/2006 4:32 PM

When does the SNT get started?

Chestnuts roasted by spaz307 @ 07/15/2006 5:15 PM

Also, one injury reminded me of something stupid one of of my cousins did. He had to be around 10, and his sister, his other brother, and I were sitting around the kitchen table with him sitting in the middle of us. He stood up for something (perhaps putting his dish in the sink) and when he was sitting back down while talking he didn’t look where he was going and he sat on the very edge which made him slip and fall on his ass. Everybody including him burst out laughing for several minutes afterwards, and then finally after we calmed down he said "that was really funny guys, when I felt down and everything!" and then he proceded to do it again!! And while he was sitting on the floor everybody (including myself of course) laughed so hard we almost cried. It was very funny indeed.

I can think of several injuries that particular group of cousins and I have had together because they slept the night so much, but the fun we had made more then up for it. The oldest cousin told me once a couple years ago he still has a scar from when him and the second oldest cousin were playing swords and the younger one swiped him pretty damn hard with the stick he was using and that ended swords for that day. It wasn’t that bad I am suprised it left a permenant scar. He went in of course to play reg nintendo for the rest of the day. Poor baby :-)

Chestnuts roasted by Goob @ 07/15/2006 6:37 PM

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This entry was posted on Tuesday, July 11th, 2006 at 10:34 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.