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Riiiiicola.

I used to really enjoy being sick. All that television, all those people catering to you, all those forgiving cans of Chickarina, mmm.

Growing up sucks. Being sick isn't fun at all anymore. I've somehow gotten bronchial asthma in July, which struck me as odd because I haven't had asthma in any form since the 7th grade. It also struck me as odd because the doctor decided that I had bronchial asthma within sixteen seconds of not-shaking my hand. But, I'm wheezing, I've got a fever that hasn't totally subsided even after five days, and I'm coughing up steady supplies of backup ammo for the Horde Slime Pit. I guess that sounds like bronchial asthma. Bronchial asthma sounds like a big dinosaur to me, too.

I started feeling the devil's tickle in my throat late on Thursday, and by the time work was through on Friday, I was hacking like a less agile General Grievous. Come Saturday, I was a wreck. I was kind of looking forward to being down and out this week, but work is so crazybusy that I've basically telecommuted for more than my regular office hours. And, since nobody at the office can hear me coughing up blood, I'm not even getting any sympathy awards. This sucks.

On the other hand, being home these last few days has taught me that Master Television still sees fit to air reruns of 227 and Amen from time to time, and finding that out makes not being able to breathe totally worth it.

I've also learned that cough drops get really disgusting after the 3rd bag.

PS: The comments thread has morphed into a survey. Talk about the stupidest ways you've ever hurt yourself. I mean it.

Posted by Matt on 07/11/2006. E-mail me!



Discussion Thread: 156 comments

Wow so many injurys, where do I begin? Well one time when I was about 13 or 14 I walked right thru a glass door. I was pissed off for some reason and my grandma was a neat freak. It was so clean and clear looking you couldn’t tell there was a door. The funny thing is it didn’t break it just went right on out with me lol. Another time was about 2 or 3 years ago (I’m 24 now so yea I just grew outta my dumbshit phase lol). My buddies and I used to just hang out on the corner every friday and saturday night drinking and smoking some green stuff (ahhhh city life lol). Now what makes this funny is we hadnt even started drinking or smoking yet but somehow one of my friends pulls a basketball from out of nowhere and pretends to dunk it right on top of my head. So I start chasing him and I somehow trip over myself and start doing one of those "I’m running and my arms are moving like windmills and I can’t stop and I’m half way hunched over" type of deals. BLAM! Head first into the side door of a parked box truck lol. You can still see the dent in the door of the truck lol. Another time I broke my middle finger playing basket ball when the hoop fell off of the shed behind the house I used to live in. My drunk uncle drunkingly (is that a word?) hammered it on there and is also the one who drunkingly dunked it so hard that the hoop fell straight down onto the very tip of my middle finger and then right onto my head after that. I’m sure plenty of you guys have been playing wrestling in your bed when you where younger with your sisters huge stuffed teddy bear and miscalculated when you dove off the dresser onto your bed and whacked yourself in the head with a bed post. I woke up a minute later laughing at myself lol. Now this last one happened when I was about 6 or 7. I was outside in front of my aunts building trying to impress this girl. So I jumped in the air and did what I can only describe as the spinning jump mario does in super mario world. When I landed I didn’t fall but my head landed right against the brick wall and a few seconds later I had a huge lump right on my head. Now I know this is gonna sound weird to some of you but anybody that comes from an ethnic background can relate to what’s comming next. I run inside to show my mom my lump. Now my family being the Puerto Ricans that we are, my mother and aunt proceed to apply an assload of butter and salt to my lump. Now I swear to you 2 minutes later, no lump!

Chestnuts roasted by PRsense @ 07/12/2006 4:29 PM

Oh man I left one out! My dad works at an upholstery shop and they have these huge staple guns connected to the ceiling by air an air hose. Now these things will go thru wood that’s how powerful they are. Well one day I figure I was about 8. I was messing with one and I shot myself in the area directly between your belly button and your weiner. Thank God there weren’t any staples in there! That thing sent out such a force of air that it still cut me and I had a decent sized bruise there for about a week.

Chestnuts roasted by PRSense @ 07/12/2006 4:36 PM

I have been lucky enough to escape any serious injuries so far, so my story isn’t that impressive. When I was younger, I was leaning against the glass in a screen door. Now, I thought it was plexiglass, so I wasn’t worried, but it wasn’t. As I was leaning against it, the glass broke and a huge piece fell and cut my foot. It wasn’t a bad cut, no stitches or even a trip to the hospital. Just a band-aid. It was bad enough to make me say ouch though, and I still have a small scar from it.

Chestnuts roasted by Jeff @ 07/12/2006 4:53 PM

My parents were out on a date and I as the oldest was supposed to be watching my 3 younger siblings. My younger brother and started snapping towels at each other (I was 13 and he was 11). I took a break by the fridge, but somehow when he came to get me and I took of running, I caught my ankle on the corner of the fridge and ripped a hole it it. It was about an inch long; I guess you could see the tendon through it. Being the one in charge I hobbled to the first aid kit and bound it up as best I could.

I called my parent and let them know I had cut myself. They asked how big and I said about 1/2 an inch. Which I meant deep and they took to mean wide. Well, when they finally came home from their date around midnight, they looked at and immdiately realized I needed to go to emergency room, where I got seven stitches and a tenanous shot.

Good times.

Chestnuts roasted by Randomness @ 07/12/2006 5:02 PM

When I was 9 my Mom had a rusty old Volkswagen Beetle and she used to let me and my brother play on/in it, because there was no way we could damage it enough to make it look worse. So we’re out there pretending to drive, and then my 6 year old brother tries out the windshield wipers with the fluid. So I think, it’s just water, and I drink from my water gun, so why don’t I try drinking from the windshield nozzle? So we figure out exactly where I have to sit on the hood, and he pulls the lever, and I get a mouthful of windshield washer fluid. I realize it tastes AWFUL and probably isn’t water, so I spit it out. My Mom freaks out completely and I have to go to the Emergency Room, where they say it’s not serious and I can go home. Not painful but pretty stupid.

I don’t want to mention any specific stories because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but reading this list of mishaps made me laugh so hard I drooled on my keyboard. Thanks. :)

Chestnuts roasted by Welsh Rabbit @ 07/12/2006 5:23 PM

Here’s another one. When I was like 12 I was crawling around on the carpet for some reason–couldn’t even begin to imagine why. There was a freshly sharpened pencil on the ground. It happened to stick into my knee and the tip of it broke off inside of my knee. I really thought I was paralyzed—luckily I healed within a couple of hours.

Also, I have stepped on needles so many times I can’t remember them all! One time the needle went so deep in my heel that my parents had to get plyers and yank it out!

Chestnuts roasted by gingela @ 07/12/2006 5:30 PM

The stupidest way? Let’s see, that has to be knowing full well my family history (heart-wise) and consciously ignoring all the signs of heart failure until I was coughing up bloody sputum, unable to walk more than 3 feet without pausing for breath, and was pretty much delirious. But the reason why I actually went to the hospital? Not because I learned that heart failure could cause death, but that it could cause forgetfulness. The thought of not being able to remember my music well enough to perform it was more upsetting than actually, you know, DYING. Gah!

Chestnuts roasted by kindersczenen @ 07/12/2006 5:34 PM

Hoo boy. Dumbest way I’ve ever injured myself…

Let’s preface this by saying that I was an inquisitive youngster. I always had my nose in a book, even while I was sleeping. Another important piece of the puzzle is that going to the bathroom was always a special occasion. It was inbred in me. My old man spent hours on end in there, doing god-knows-what. Probably jerking off to titty magazines.

I would do the same thing as my pops: I’d shit and read and read and shit until half my day was gone. Problem was, I didn’t always have time to bring a book, on account of irritable bowels. So I’d read whatever I could find in the room: toothpaste tubes, shampoo bottles, the wrappers to my mother’s tampons. Believe you me, there’s only so many times you can read about the cottony softness of a roll of two-ply before that becomes as bland as an elderly vagina.

One day when I was eight years old, I was out of good reading material, so I rummaged through the trash can. I pulled out a can of Drano-brand drain unclogger. Finished reading that bad-boy-did you know that that shit will eat through everything but metal?-and thought nothing of it. I thought nothing of it…until about twenty minutes later.

I was toddling along, doing the things young rapscallions such as myself did-catching toads, eating mud, pissing in the corner of the cellar-when all of a sudden…It. Was. On Fire.

Little Dickie Greenleaf was burning like Moses’ favorite bush. I ran up the stairs, crying my eight-year-old eyes out. "Mommy, mommy! My pee-pee’s burning, mommy!" So I pulled my junk out.

It was black.

And not black like the skin pigmentation. I’m talking black like a charred steak. My cock was charred to the tip. Apparently there was still some powder in the Drano can after all. After a particularly awkward visit to my Vietnamese pediatrician, I soaked in the tub for three days on end, until finally, Wee Willy Winky was in working order once again.

Chestnuts roasted by Spoodles @ 07/12/2006 5:43 PM

Before I answer the survey question, Matt, welcome to HELL. I got sick with a similar sounding illness RIGHT BEFORE school got out. 3 weeks later, I still had it. Doctor gave me the same, "No need for a real examination, it’s bronchitis, so, how ’bout them GA Bulldogs" treatment. I was taking the meds while on my big NY/Gettysburg/etc. trip. Finally went away and now IT’S COMING BACK. But like most sequels, this one is not as good as the original.

STUPID INJURY: Went to a minor league hockey game (The Jacksonville Lizard Kings) and *sigh* fractured my foot while doing excessive cheering during the shootout. Missed 95% of Spring football practice. Worst of all is I think some people suspect I was faking to avoid practice. Was it a stupid injury? All the way.

Chestnuts roasted by The Manimal @ 07/12/2006 5:48 PM

P.S.
Does this thread have the record for longest posts submitted?? (That should keep some of you X-E archivists busy). :)

Chestnuts roasted by The Manimal @ 07/12/2006 5:50 PM

My sister and used to fight all the time, one day we were playing in the front porch and somehow I made her cry… I can’t realy remember details but we used to be horrible to each other! Anyway she’s crying and I don’t want our Mum to shout at me so I start making a lot of noise and banging a wooden stool on the floor, it hits my foot and I end up crying with a massive bruise on my big toe! Serves me right really.

Chestnuts roasted by Mike @ 07/12/2006 5:54 PM

I once had a roman candle blow up in my hand because I held on to it too tight. I told my parents the next day I burned it opening a radiator.

Chestnuts roasted by Joe in OH @ 07/12/2006 5:55 PM

Some years back we had people over at my house for a family party for MY birthday. My brother had a bunch of friends over at the party because their was a wrestling ppv on. They all congregated down in the basement for the ppv and my mother, being the nice hostess that she is, brought down a tray of various snack foods for the boys. The party was great. Good times were had by all. Flash to the next day. I am walking around the basement in my stocking feet talking on the phone. Suddenly, I feel a sharp pain in my foot. I hang up the phone and take my sock off only to find a toothpick embedded HALFWAY into my foot between my little toe and the one next to it. Pulling it out was not an option. It was stuck in there but good. So, here I go to the emergency room. And, after eight hours of waiting, xrays, four, yes FOUR shots of anesthetic in my foot to dull the pain, and a grown male nurse bracing himself with both feet on the end of the hospital bed while yanking at the toothpick, I was able to go home, free of the evil foot toothpick. I still shudder a little bit every time I see a toothpick. Oh, the horror.

Chestnuts roasted by Erin @ 07/12/2006 6:19 PM

Ok, lame cop out: I’ve never hurt myself too badly. But the freakiest thing I’ve seen was in college (art major also) and my buddy next to me was cutting mattes. He knocks the little jar of Xacto blades off the table (they come sorta glued into one fat blade of 6-7 layers). Well, he instinctively moved to catch it, but the lid wasn’t on. He moved his leg to block it, and sure enough, MASSIVE 6 layer 1/2 inch thick Xacto Dagger into his leg. He looked blankly at it for a second, then his entire pant leg turned red. When he started to faint thats when everyone freaked out. Taaadaa!!

Chestnuts roasted by Terror Claws Cole @ 07/12/2006 6:24 PM

I hope you feel better soon Matt.

Well I have two stories similar to Gingela’s. About 5 years ago I was shaving my legs in the shower. As I was bringing the razor up to rinse in off in the stream I nicked my nipple! I honestly thought I shaved it right off! It stung and bled for a very long time. Now whenever I shave I put the razor backwards when I bring it to the stream to rinse it. I still cringe at the thought of it to this day.

Once when I was about 6 or so, I reached into my desk and I stabbed my hand on a freshly sharpened pencil. Still to this day I can see the led in my hand.

Chestnuts roasted by IHAQ @ 07/12/2006 6:26 PM

A couple years back I was haunted by the zit from the eternal pit of black evil spirits of zilch bog blah blah blah. Appeared on my forehead, and, not wanting to go to work with the white head poking out as it did, I got a razor blade and slashed a few marks across the surface, hoping to break it open. I didn’t cut deep enough because no pus emerged. Blood however did. I cut more scars and deeper one, and pushed with all my force to expunge the crud. I was never able to extract the goop but I did successful burst a couple of blood vessles that created a giant red stain under the skin, across the majority of my forehead, Gorbechev-style. That was the dumbest pain I’ve ever caused myself.

Chestnuts roasted by inkmage @ 07/12/2006 7:16 PM

I found out how to accelerate on a gas powered scooter and in three seconds I crashed into a curb, flew off, and got all cut up. Fuck scooters.

Chestnuts roasted by Renaldo @ 07/12/2006 7:27 PM

When I was seven, I could pull my feet behind me and walk around on my knees. One night, I did this very quickly, and bumped my head into a coffee table, which apparently gashed my forehead quite thoroughly. What’s great was that I never saw what it looked like, just my parents’ expressions of shock.

Then there was another time when I was seven. My sister and I put a gushing hose at the top of our aluminum slide. I gripped the sides, as often I did when sliding, and went so fast I sliced my hand open. I couldn’t tell you how much blood I lost, but so much got on our patio furniture my mom had to repaint it.

Chestnuts roasted by Der Super @ 07/12/2006 7:28 PM

IHAQ- Oh man, that’s the stuff you never tell anyone. Except on websites, of course. I keep my biz-ness shaved bare with an electric razor and it has a little stubble cutter along the front, which is guarded on the top and bottom so you don’t accidentally cut yourself. Except a few months ago it managed to knick a sensitive area, and it bled like a mofo. Luckily it was a tiny cut, because NO WAY would I go get stitches.

Chestnuts roasted by Welsh Rabbit @ 07/12/2006 7:28 PM

OK. It was Independence Day of ’89. My dad had some old roll caps. They were the kind that were encased within paper instead of plastic and could be used for certain toy guns. My brother and I liad them out, took hammers, and started hammering at them. I used my thumb to hold down the strips. I had a blast hammering away at the caps, but I eventually came to the end. I didn’t stop to think about the fact that I was supposed to move my thumb out of the way. It took several to stop the bleeding.

Chestnuts roasted by Nate @ 07/12/2006 7:43 PM

Dumbest way you’ve ever hurt yourself:

I could do a top ten of this question. I’m somewhat of a klutz.

But my top 3 would have to be:

3. Eating on a lounge chair on a cruise and stabbing myself in the toe with a fork..prongs down and drawing blood.

2. Walking into a lounge chair and breaking my left pinkie toe. The orthopedist said that I somehow managed to have the bone fragment off.

1. Tripping over a first grader who’d bent down to tie her shoe…while working at a day camp…onto my hands and knees…on the gravelly blacktop. I couldn’t walk for days without wincing since I couldn’t bend my knees.

Chestnuts roasted by BerryPrincess @ 07/12/2006 7:50 PM

One summer we went to an aquarium, and since the ocean is the best thing ever to happen I could barely contain myself. This huge, huge, HUGE round tank wasn’t clear all around – a wall had been built around it and they carved windows into it so you could sit on the ledge of a 3′X3′ window and watch the marine life.
I planted myself and watched this enormous stingray feel its way around the sides of the pool, waiting for it to pass by my window. When he didn’t show, I forgot about him until a HUGE WHITE stingray belly took up my entire window. I screamed like the little girl I was, jumped up and smashed my skull on the top of the window ledge.

I sincerely hope this gets bonus points for the involvement of sea life.

Chestnuts roasted by Jessica Marie @ 07/12/2006 8:31 PM

Nate: Man, we use to do that thing with the caps all the time! Brings back good memories.

Well, I thought of couple other ones.

Once I was about to take a shower, so I went into the bathroom, stripped, and started the water. While the water was heating up I notice that mom had left a candle burning. Most all of the wax had melted so I picked it up and blew it out. When I set it back down, I knocked it off the shelf. It hit the floor, and splatted hot melted wax all over my manhood, and everywhere else. Burnt like a son-of-a-bitch!

Also, once when I was first starting to take showers, I made the VERY, VERY, VERY stupid mistake of turning off the cold water before the hot water. It scalded the hell out of me, and suprised me enough to make me fall. I remember cuting myself on something, but couldn’t say what.

Chestnuts roasted by Deuce @ 07/12/2006 8:33 PM

Okay, I was twelve years old, and it was the beginning of December. I was in our living room, sitting on the floor, cutting paper because I was crafting (what I was crafting is lost on me now), and I decided I needed to get up for some reason. Somehow, as I was getting up, my toe caught the handle of the scissors and flipped them upwards and I stabbed myself in the leg. These scissors went about an inch into my leg. It didnt hurt, but I felt something brush my leg and looked down and saw the scissors hanging and SCREAMED and took off into the kitchen. At this same moment, my mother was getting out of the bathroom from showering and Im a blubbering mess bleeding all over her kitchen. She gets dressed and hauls me up to the ER where they proceed to put three stitches in my wound, and I still have a scar today (a dozen years later).

Chestnuts roasted by Jenna @ 07/12/2006 8:45 PM

I had Bronchial Asthma back in 2001, somehow it was connected to the dust released during 9/11. Anyway, it goes away in about four months, and you should be in work-condition within a few weeks. My advice? Lots of hot tea, it burns the phelgm.

Chestnuts roasted by MUNKY TRUKK @ 07/12/2006 8:57 PM

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