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Riiiiicola.

I used to really enjoy being sick. All that television, all those people catering to you, all those forgiving cans of Chickarina, mmm.

Growing up sucks. Being sick isn't fun at all anymore. I've somehow gotten bronchial asthma in July, which struck me as odd because I haven't had asthma in any form since the 7th grade. It also struck me as odd because the doctor decided that I had bronchial asthma within sixteen seconds of not-shaking my hand. But, I'm wheezing, I've got a fever that hasn't totally subsided even after five days, and I'm coughing up steady supplies of backup ammo for the Horde Slime Pit. I guess that sounds like bronchial asthma. Bronchial asthma sounds like a big dinosaur to me, too.

I started feeling the devil's tickle in my throat late on Thursday, and by the time work was through on Friday, I was hacking like a less agile General Grievous. Come Saturday, I was a wreck. I was kind of looking forward to being down and out this week, but work is so crazybusy that I've basically telecommuted for more than my regular office hours. And, since nobody at the office can hear me coughing up blood, I'm not even getting any sympathy awards. This sucks.

On the other hand, being home these last few days has taught me that Master Television still sees fit to air reruns of 227 and Amen from time to time, and finding that out makes not being able to breathe totally worth it.

I've also learned that cough drops get really disgusting after the 3rd bag.

PS: The comments thread has morphed into a survey. Talk about the stupidest ways you've ever hurt yourself. I mean it.

Posted by Matt on 07/11/2006. E-mail me!



Discussion Thread: 156 comments

Whilst on holiday in the glorious courty of Turkey (ie, dump) on the very first morning of a 2 week vacation, I got in the elevator to go down for breakfast. It was a biz elevator, only the carriage moved and the doors too the floors stayed where they were.

Too cut a long story short I decided to lean with my hand against the door whilst in it, even though I had see the death carriage earlier in the morning when we had arived and remarked about how dangerous it was, I still chose to do this.

The elevator started moving down, the door didn’t, the ring on my finger got caught on the door handle, taking my hand up into the gap between the moving elevator and the stupid non-moving doors.

Queue me, first day of my holiday, sat in a Turkish dentist chair while some cat tried to release the squashed ring from my mangled finger with a dentist drill.

12 stitches later (in just one finger) and an ass load of painkillers I was back at the hotel, hating Turkey and using the stairs for the remainder of my holiday.

Chestnuts roasted by Ryan H. @ 07/12/2006 5:16 AM

I was given my first pocket knife at the tender age of 11 or 12. Nothing big, just a 3 inch blade or so. What does a 12 year-old want to do with a pocket knife? Carve his name in a tree.

I headed out back to the dead, leafless tree in my back yard and I started engraving my name in the tree, in a upward motion.

Thawack. I stab myself in the forehead.

It wasn’t that bad. It didn’t go through my skull and slice my brain. But I do have a tiny dot-of-scar on my forehead.

Chestnuts roasted by Geoffinsanity @ 07/12/2006 8:23 AM

I jammed a pair of tweezers into an electric socket to see what would happen. After waking up to find the whole apartment complex blacked out, I swore I’d never do it again. On purpose.

Chestnuts roasted by Nutley @ 07/12/2006 9:10 AM

Does it count if you don’t remember?

I think it’s pretty dumb to wake up with a scab on your forehead and not know where it came from.

I do have a scar there now, 4 circles in a row. My sister claims to have stabbed me in the forehead with a fork. Whether that is true or not, I have a memory from our first houseparty when the parents went out of town.

Chestnuts roasted by selvig @ 07/12/2006 9:27 AM

When I was about 4 or 5 I decided to try to "sharpen" my finger. That was pretty dumb. Also, about 2 years ago, I spilled water on my arm from the espresso machine. It was about 200 degrees. It might not have been so bad, but I was wearing a hoody at the time and I ripped it off, along with several layers of skin. That pain was worse than any pain ever.

Not to be self-rightous, but I just quit smoking.(and no one loves to smoke more than I do) I just started imagining myself lying in a hospital bed dying at 55 from lung cancer. It creeped me out.

Chestnuts roasted by kb @ 07/12/2006 9:32 AM

Stupidest way I ever hurt myself? Thats easy. I had a back to the future skateboard when i was 8 that I attempted to convert into a hoverboard by taking the wheels off and sticking in my tire swing. The idea was that I would stand over the top of the tire with one foot on each side of the board and then hover to and fro.

Once I got on I easily hovered to, but I never did make it to fro as my weight shifted funny, and the board flew out from under my feet getting my leg trapped in the tire, and my other leg flying out to the side. I basically went to and fro a few times, but it wasn’t fun because I was being dragged in the dirt by the tire swing. I didn’t get any serious injury, but it still hurt like a mutha’.

Chestnuts roasted by TC Falcon @ 07/12/2006 9:38 AM

Damn, I forgot to mention the time I got a dollar coin lodged in my throat.

I was playing with my brother (he was 2, I was 12) before we went to my sisters baseball tournament, and my mother gave me a Loonie to buy ice cream with at the game, so I was teasing my brother with it when I decided to hold it between my teeth.

I guess he felt it was his opportunity for revenge whenhe hit me in the mouth knocking the Loonie out from my teeth and I swallowed it.

But it was too big to go all the way down, so away to the E.R. we went.

I was excited to whole time (since I could breath) that I was going to have surgery. The doctors were really cool and were able to pull it out with I thought was a claw machine (they showed it to me before hand), instead of pushing it down and letting it pass.

When I got home my sister decided to call me Loonie Tunes forever. Still does.

And i got to keep the Loonie.

Chestnuts roasted by selvig @ 07/12/2006 9:40 AM

I’m glad this subject came up, because I’m always hurting myself in stupid ways. Once me and a buddy were building a bon fire (always a good indication of what’s to come) and we got the bright idea to start throwing random chemicals into the fire. We threw one particular plastic bottle of something in, and ran for cover. We were kind of expecting a large explosion, but nothing happened. We walked over to the fire and saw that the bottle was right on the edge. My friend gently nudged it with his foot, and as soon as he did it exploded into a giant blast of fire. Most the hair on his face was totally singed off, and he still has trouble hearing out of his left ear. I got burnt a little, but not nearly as bad.

That was several years ago, and I learned my lesson about playing with fire on that day.

A couple of years ago, I was jumping on the same firends trampoline. Obviously I was thinking very clearly, because the trampoline was less supportive than it should have been, and I weighed about 220 lbs. at the time. I jumped really high in the air and was going to land on my back, but the trampoline didn’t stop me. I ended up hitting the ground. I couldn’t move for about 10 minutes. Still hurts me to this day.

I’ve got a lot more, but I’ll save myself the embarresment.

I’ve actually only been to the hospital twice in my entire life. Both times were on my birthday. :(

Chestnuts roasted by Deuce @ 07/12/2006 9:52 AM

Stupidus Hurtus: When I was a kid, I tried to pop one of those red inflatable kickballs by hitting it with a hammer. The hammer bounced off it and smashed my forehead. 6 stiches and a shweet scar!

Chestnuts roasted by DAve @ 07/12/2006 10:29 AM

Ah c’mon people, I can’t believe no one has mentioned floor skating. You know, where you slid down a hardwood floor hallway in your socks? Ok, well, I guess I will. A year ago (what’s embarrassing is that I was 20 yrs old at the time and sober)some friends and I were bored so we were taking turns sliding down the hallway. Someone got the bright idea to spray wood polish on the floor to make it slicker. I ran, started to slide, lost my footing immediately, cracked my head on the floor and kept sliding until my foot connected with the stairway. Yep definitely broke my big toe…

Chestnuts roasted by Topsailgrl @ 07/12/2006 10:30 AM

everybody seems to stab/cut their fingers a lot…

well, a couple of months ago while opening a stupid hard-plastic package with a pocketknife, i cut my palm. severed the primary tendon and two nerves.

result? i’m now permanently one-handed (the fingers are still attached, but the index, middle, and thumb on my right hand are completely numb, and don’t move anymore).

click my name to see pics of the wound.

and please, always be careful with knives, people.

Chestnuts roasted by Cuddles @ 07/12/2006 10:38 AM

Well, let’s see … worse way I ever hurt myself …

… when I was ten I wasplaying ice hockey and tripped on uneven ice and slid face-first into the stanchion holding up a basketball hoop. Instead of breaking my tooth across, I broke it up-and-down and got to spend 6 months with a silver cap on it.

… when I was twenty, I was working in the paint shop of an aerospace fasteners factory, and while trying to unhook a pump because it was spewing acetone all over the floor, I slipped and smacked myself in the head with a heavy ass wrench and knocked myself out and ended up falling into a pool of said acetone. I don’t which headache was worse — from hitting myself with the wrench, or from coming down off of the acetone high.

… Two weeks ago, in the midst of moving into the new house, I was walking down the steps and my ankle just turned for no reason. I was pitched down into my basement and ended up with a high ankle sprain and some bruises. I’m sure the ankle would heal if I would just stay off it, but who the hell has time for that?

Chestnuts roasted by LemurCat @ 07/12/2006 10:59 AM

This has been so entertaining. Thanks everyone.
So here’s mine:
I got hurt in bed. Alone.
It was a cold winter, so I was sleeping in my velour sweat pants on flannel sheets. I rolled over at about 2am (I always wake up and look at the clock) and got completely tangled. I felt a burning hot shooting pain in my ass and could not move. So I layed there until 6am, when I knew my dad would be up. I managed to call him and tell him what happened. He laughed at me and then picked me up and took me to the doctor.
The doctor didn’t believe me, he thought I was a victim of domestic violence. But he said I pulled a muscle and gave me a couple different types of STRONG pain killers.
Then, as if I wasn’t embarrassed enough, my mom was worried that I was dangerous to myself and made me spend the night at their house so they could watch me.
I’m such a dork!

Chestnuts roasted by Shannie @ 07/12/2006 11:40 AM

Recent: sprained my ankle while skipping (yes, skipping) with my little girl along stepping stones between our house and our driveway. I stepped on the side of the stone instead of the top and my ankle went 90 degrees. I actually heard stuff pop and rip in there. It hurt so bad, I actually got nauseous and threw up. It swelled up and bruised so bad it looked like I had a mega-superball where my ankle bone was. Plus, nothing will perk up your ears quite like hearing your 2 year old say "goddamn motherf*cker" right after you say it during a crisis of pain. That made me feel dirty.

In college: This didn’t really hurt but it was damn embarassing. Did you ever see those party lights that looks like a old-timey fire engine or police car light? It was red and had a suction cup on the bottom where you could stick to any smooth surface. Well, I attached it to my forehead at a party one night. The weight of the thing plus the fact that I pulled it off rather than peeling the suction cup off of me left a 3 inch hickey on my forehead, dark blue and dead center. It was there for 2 weeks. Hence, I was known as "Hickey Head" amongst friends for more time than I care to think about.

Chestnuts roasted by freudguy @ 07/12/2006 11:59 AM

In 9th grade I was taking a weight off the leg press in "weight training" class and didn’t realize how heavy it was and I dropped it on my finger. It pretty much crushed the tip of my pointer finger. It’s still pretty deformed looking to this day.

I also shaved my legs with a razor that was old and missing part of the covering. (obviously I didn’t realize it) Well as I was shaving it ripped out a 2 inch chunk of skin out of my calve. I still have a lovely scar.
I basically have a disfigured body thanks to my stupidness…

Chestnuts roasted by gingela @ 07/12/2006 12:07 PM

I must have been 7 or 8, and my mother and grandmother took me on a road trip to my aunt Edna and uncle Ells family reunion in some state. I vaquely remember the purpose of the trip was to take Aunt Edna to Chemo then care for her after.

While at the actual family reunion filled with people I didn’t know I found a small playground and decided to play on the merry-go-round thing. This was probably mistake number 1. I had been on it for awhile when some older kid, probably no more than 14 now that I think about it, decided to spin the thing round and round as hard as he could. I freaked, screamed, freaked some more, and screamed some more. It was at this moment I got what is still probably one of my stupidest ideas. I decided to jump of the whirling thing of death.

Of course my mom, grandma, and my aunt and uncle show at this point.

Well I jump of back wards, cause that made sense to me, think I’ve made it, when some how next thing I know I’m now UNDER the whirling metal spiny death. I didn’t get too hurt beyond some scrapes on my legs and face. And acording to my mom apparent when I jumped I tucked my foot under the edge and got pulled under. But it hurt like all get out.

To add salt to the shame, we went to the hospital for Aunt Edna’s chemo, and I wasn’t allowed to change from my war torn clothes because our luggage was alread at my aunt and uncles. I got alot of weird questions that day.

Chestnuts roasted by Mandi @ 07/12/2006 12:13 PM

Gingela wrote - In 9th grade I was taking a weight off the leg press in "weight training" class and didn’t realize how heavy it was and I dropped it on my finger. It pretty much crushed the tip of my pointer finger. It’s still pretty deformed looking to this day.

Oh, that happened to my big toe on my left foot in the 12th grade — my track team lifting partner dropped her weights without warning and smashed the hell out of my toe. It was so nasty, like a small sack of shattered bones. The nail fell out shortly afterward. It’s never been right since (prolly cause I hate doctors and didn’t go to one at the time) and requires constant care because it tends to go in-grown if I’m not careful.

Chestnuts roasted by LemurCat @ 07/12/2006 12:32 PM

Animaniacs is now on IN2TV!!!

Now for the survey: not about me hurting myself, though I do it a lot. This one is about my father in-law. When he was in highschool, I think around 17-18 years old, he worked at a small grocery store and helped out with the butcher. Anyway, he was grinding some meat into hamburger, and doing it fast, when the meat grinder got jammed, so he punched the meat down into the grinder.

What happens next is crazy. He says it was an air pocket in the meat or something that caused the problem, and that caused his hand to get stuck in the meat grinder, and ground!

They had to transport him and the meat grinder to the hospital where things just get worse. A male nurse was holding the meat grinder for him while he was on the gurney in the ER. When it slipped, fell to the ground and pulled my father in-law to the ground with it.

When they removed his hand, he says it compared to looking like a bunch of bloody rags. They did what they could to salvage his hand, and sewed it into his side to grow new skin or something. In the middle of the night he rips the hand from his side in his sleep, and bleeds everywhere.

Anyway, today his hand is not at all like yours, but it is functional.

He also fell out of a tree with a chainsaw a few years ago and sliced the same hand open with the chainsaw as he fell.

Chestnuts roasted by Fox @ 07/12/2006 12:36 PM

When I was 11 or 12, I was riding my 10 speed down the road. Not one like they make nowadays, the kind with the curvy handle bars and the skinny tires. I decided it would be really cool to jump up the freakishly high curb and onto the sidewalk in some glorious supercool bmx fashion. Obviously things didn’t go as planned. I ramped up the curb and flipped up and over the bike, landing on my head/shoulder on the sidewalk. I was wearing brand new clothes, and they got ripped up something fierce. I couldn’t move my arm for about 5 days. I’ve still got a scar the size of a silver dollar right on top of my shoulder.

Chestnuts roasted by Justin Wiley @ 07/12/2006 12:41 PM

Matt, I hope you feel better. I had bronchitis for like two months back in high school. I just remember most waking up in the middle of the night feeling I was going to suffocate to death and then hacking my lungs out. Stupidest way I hurt myself: College I was a art major and was using an Xacto Knife for a project: I was cutting while sitting on the floor which was dumb since it was carpeted and not a hard surface. Well I didn’t keep my hand steady and ended up slitting the side tip of my left index finger REALLY REALLY bad. Blood gushing, had to go to the doctor and they poured almost a whole damn bottle of peroxide on it to ward off an infection. I was lucky: had I gone any deeper I would’ve hit a nerve.

Chestnuts roasted by Melissa Y. @ 07/12/2006 12:43 PM

In the fifth grade there was a hole in a weird air conditioning unit that lined one of the walls of the classroom. Kids would put stuff in it and one day, this girl put something, can’t remember what, in there that apparently had some value to me. So I stuck my hand in there to get it and a fan blade sliced a portion of my thumb off. It didn’t hurt, I just went to the bathroom and washed it off, wrapped it in a paper towel, and then acted macho. The portion that the fan cut off was still attached by a bit of skin, fun. Anyway it healed fine and now you can’t even tell that anything happened. But I’m still afraid of fans.

Chestnuts roasted by Darth Poop @ 07/12/2006 1:00 PM

I’ve got a funny one to add. When I was a kid we had a cat. Now this cat didn’t like being held at all, so we pretty much just let him be. One day, I decided to pick him up, thinking that he couldn’t do anything since he had been declawed. What I didn’t know is that he still had his back claws. I picked him up and he went insane! I wasn’t wearing a shirt so I ended up with scratches all over my chest. They weren’t real deep, but everyone knows that the more shallow cuts and scrathces sting more than the slightly deeper ones. Plus mom applied alcohol to the scratches.

Eventually the cat grew to like me, and we kept him until he died about a year ago.

Chestnuts roasted by Deuce @ 07/12/2006 1:10 PM

PHAYKE= I also did the exact same thing, only the scar on my ass is permanant.

For some reason when I was younger I stuffed pieces of the couch cushion up my nose. Eventually, the cushion began to rot and the smell from my nose was what clued in my parents that something happened. That was one ER trip to remove the pieces.

One time I stepped out of the tub, slipped and two vertabres in my back pushed together, causing me to walk like a hunchback for a couple weeks. Hurts too.

Another time I stepped onto the street without looking and my foot got caught in the rain gutter and twisted my ankle. I couldn’t walk for a week. Around this same time, my aunt got into a car wreck and we had to make an ER trip to Minnesota to care for her and skipped school. She’s fine also.

It’s painful and funny reading the above injury stories. Sort of watching the guy get hit in the crotch on the "Home Videos" show.

Chestnuts roasted by JLAJRC @ 07/12/2006 1:27 PM

I have three major scars, all on my head. (Shut up, Little Brother) All recieved when I was quite young. One on my forehead from falling on an asphalt playground, one from flopping off a real high slide when I was a toddler and biting through my lower lip. But the one I want to draw attention to is the one in my left eyebrow, acheived when I was about 7. Little Brother, myself, and our cousin were running around our apartment, being little kids. We decide to play "Ghosts" by throwing blankets over our heads. (Cousin will probably tell you it wasn’t her idea, but she’s awful quick about it.) Then we decide it would be more fun if we TURN OUT THE LIGHTS.
Now, I am in my mid-30′s, so this places the accident in the waning days of the Golden Age of Dangerous Toys. My sisters had a huuuge red tricycle, lovingly crafted from sheet metal rejected from Vulcan’s forge and machine-stamped by defrocked Norse dwarves. If it had been on it’s wheels, this might have been a different tale. Upside down giant trike + sharp metal edges + my big ol’ noggin + tangled footing + obscured vision = Trip to the ER and stitches, plus it didn’t do much for my uneasiness around needles.

Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 07/12/2006 2:00 PM

I stapled my finger once. Not on one of those lame staplers we have today, but one that my Grandparents had that had you push on the button they had as hard as you could for it to do anything.

And there’s the story of what happened to me 2 weeks ago when I angrily kicked my foot into a trashcan that I found out was immobile the hard way.

And my favorite AFHV clips were always the people getting injured in the dumbest ways, like the clip of a slot car thaty went too fast and flew off the track and into the dad’s crotch. Hi-larious.

Chestnuts roasted by Invader Norbert @ 07/12/2006 2:57 PM

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