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Riiiiicola.

I used to really enjoy being sick. All that television, all those people catering to you, all those forgiving cans of Chickarina, mmm.

Growing up sucks. Being sick isn't fun at all anymore. I've somehow gotten bronchial asthma in July, which struck me as odd because I haven't had asthma in any form since the 7th grade. It also struck me as odd because the doctor decided that I had bronchial asthma within sixteen seconds of not-shaking my hand. But, I'm wheezing, I've got a fever that hasn't totally subsided even after five days, and I'm coughing up steady supplies of backup ammo for the Horde Slime Pit. I guess that sounds like bronchial asthma. Bronchial asthma sounds like a big dinosaur to me, too.

I started feeling the devil's tickle in my throat late on Thursday, and by the time work was through on Friday, I was hacking like a less agile General Grievous. Come Saturday, I was a wreck. I was kind of looking forward to being down and out this week, but work is so crazybusy that I've basically telecommuted for more than my regular office hours. And, since nobody at the office can hear me coughing up blood, I'm not even getting any sympathy awards. This sucks.

On the other hand, being home these last few days has taught me that Master Television still sees fit to air reruns of 227 and Amen from time to time, and finding that out makes not being able to breathe totally worth it.

I've also learned that cough drops get really disgusting after the 3rd bag.

PS: The comments thread has morphed into a survey. Talk about the stupidest ways you've ever hurt yourself. I mean it.

Posted by Matt on 07/11/2006. E-mail me!



Discussion Thread: 156 comments
1 2 3 … 7

Would you like is to start a "Who can make the best sympathy award for Matt" contest? Would that make you feel better?

Chestnuts roasted by Mystie @ 07/11/2006 10:47 PM

Holy Crap, am I first? (unless Greymatter bans me again)

Matt, have you watched the Pee-wee’s Playhouse eps that Adult Swim have been showing? It’s much much much more of an acid trip than I remember, making your old article about Skeletor visiting the Playhouse 100x funnier.

Chestnuts roasted by Invader Norbert @ 07/11/2006 10:48 PM

Third! I can’t believe it! Feel better Matt!!

Chestnuts roasted by Terror Claws Cole @ 07/11/2006 10:48 PM

Sympathy awards are the most important thing! That sucks major. Hope you’re feeling better soon :)

Chestnuts roasted by squee4242 @ 07/11/2006 10:50 PM

Eh, I’m fine. Just pissy that the most interesting thing that’s happened to me in the past 5 days is coughing stuff up.

We need a survey topic. Any suggestions?

Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 07/11/2006 10:59 PM

God, you poor dear. That’s awful. Keep eating lots of chicken soup, sleeping, and coming back to read that we’re all hoping you get over this thing soon and will be back to making wonderful commercials at Nick…and writing wonderful things on X-E.

Chestnuts roasted by starwenn @ 07/11/2006 11:07 PM

So is this a permanent condition? My Mom’s husband has had asthma for 30 years. I don’t want to be a downer, but this would be a great reason to quit smoking…

Here’s an upbeat topic: what summer shows are worth watching? So far I’m onboard with- Deadwood, Entourage, The Venture Bros., Rescue Me, Project Runway, and It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Tivo recorded Psych for me, so I might check that out. Anyone got any others to recommend? Although this isn’t a TV-based group, we seem to like a lot of the same stuff. :)

Chestnuts roasted by Welsh Rabbit @ 07/11/2006 11:32 PM

It’s a shame you’re not working at an older, more innocent Nickelodeon, Matt. Time was, the ability to produce large volumes of green slime would have made you a real asset to the company.

Chestnuts roasted by Jedoc @ 07/11/2006 11:33 PM

How’s this for a survey topic?

Dumbest way you’ve ever hurt yourself

I’ll go first. I just, quite literally, walked into a door. I’ve got a cut above my right eye because I walked into the edge of the door. Also, my head hurts. Also, the room spun a little bit, and I think I grayed out for a few seconds.

Stupid me for not turning on a damn light.

Chestnuts roasted by spaz307 @ 07/11/2006 11:39 PM

spaz, thinkimight have you beatbuddy,
i have an ogoin problemwiththe lympnodes in my legand a testicle thing(yeah i said it) and so today im bringing in my groceries,and carrying a HUUUGE box of tide laundry detergent,i trip up in my own feet,fall down andthe CORNER of thebox hits me square in the nutsand nodes, i passed out for a secondand woke up with a bloody nose,,,,woo. what a great day….BAH!

glad to hear you’re feeling "better" matt!!!
El-Josh-O

Chestnuts roasted by JoshC @ 07/11/2006 11:44 PM

I thought it be a great idea to be in the circus. SO I jumped at an attic chord string to do that bit where people bit on a string and spin. Well, it snapped my front tooth in half, so I have a fake tooth in front. I did this about ten years ago. So like, it didn’t really hurt, but it was freakin stupid as hell.

Chestnuts roasted by Josh @ 07/11/2006 11:44 PM

Sitting down on a bicycle seat and very nearly crushing your nuts. First because it’s an embarassing thing to do and second because it’s an even more embarassing thing to admit.

On a related note, Hooray I’m near the top!!!

Chestnuts roasted by BigWangGlick @ 07/11/2006 11:47 PM

One stupid way I’ve hurt myself, without getting too poetic:

In the 4th grade, I picked up a carpenter’s knife and, not really realizing what a "razor’s edge" entailed, gently pressed my thumb on the blade for no reason. I felt nothing and put the knife down. Ten seconds later, blood was literally squirting out geyser-style.

It probably could’ve used a stitch or two, but we skipped that in favor of the trusty damp paper towel. I remember getting out of having to do my homework that night, and having to deal with my teacher giving me the biggest "you’re an asshole" face when I told him why I didn’t do my assignments the next day. "But I cut my thumb!"

Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 07/11/2006 11:48 PM

I came around a doorway, headfirst and got a fishing lure stuck in my ear, from my dad’s stuffed fish. And it was Christmas day, and I got to walk into the emergency room like the coolest guy in the world. Then we had to wait for the JANITOR to find a pair of wire cutters.

The second it set itself in my ear, I literally shouted "This is gonna be the BEST story EVER!!!"

And it totally was.

Chestnuts roasted by Knegative @ 07/11/2006 11:48 PM

Dumbest way that I’ve hurt myself, let’s see that was problably when I shot myself in the fingure with a nailgun. I was working with my Dad one summer building houses, when, on the last nail, of the last board, of the last wall, of the last day of the job, I didn’t aim properly and BANG, nail sticking through my fingure, right above the knuckle. It didn’t hurt very much, but damn it was stupid, if I had just taken two seconds to aim it never would have happened.

Chestnuts roasted by Tyler @ 07/11/2006 11:56 PM

When I was in fourth grade, I had a morning routine of getting out of the shower and walking to the large hall heater and drying off in front of it before getting dressed. One day I was too tired to notice that I had sat down on the heater until I started to smell the burn. I jumped off in a panic and hit my head on the opposite wall of the narrow hallway. I had lines burnt into my ass for two weeks.

Chestnuts roasted by Phayke @ 07/12/2006 12:00 PM

maybe this will cheer you up a lil’ Matt

http://secretspain.org/tmnt.html

Chestnuts roasted by super_dex @ 07/12/2006 12:15 PM

In second or third grade, I decided to test the theory of going too high on the swings at recess. We had the really hard flat plastic bench ones, with a really long chain attached to the metal pipe bars by those S pieces. So, I got way up, to the point I was almost over the metal bar, as close as you could get to actually flinging the swing all the way over. How I fell is a blur, but my bet is that I lost my grip, the swing tilted back, and the chains went wobbly, bucking me off, so I fell backwards off the swing, doing a backflip, catching the bar at the top on my fall, and hitting the mulch below. Could be wrong though, all I remember is "There’s the sky…now I’m falling…ouch that hurt… darkness.". I was totally knocked out, and woke up in the nurse’s office. It was really freaky, apparently nobody saw anything, finding me laying face down in the mulch beneth the swing.

Chestnuts roasted by Rob @ 07/12/2006 12:52 PM

One time, I was sitting in a room with my sister and her ex-boyfriends parents while they talked. I was drinking a can of Brisk Tea and was really really bored listening to them. When the tea was gone, i found it neccessary to stick my thumb into the can opening. Unfortunatly I couldn’t get my thumb back out, and while attempting to I sliced it and started refilling the can with my own blood. I quietly left the room to avoid persecution of being retarded, but failed in my attempt to remove the can. So I walked back into the room, held up my thumb/can and said "My thumb is stuck in this can, and im bleeding." Stupidest thing ever.

Chestnuts roasted by Mattman @ 07/12/2006 1:09 AM

The dumbest thing ever? Well I have not looking several times walked into doors (have the head dents to prove it) and other tomboyish things, but the most severe and equally stupid thing is this.

The second day I believe I moved into a new house, and I was hanging out without my roommate, he was several hundred miles away doing some last minute moving stuff, and I barely had tv. I wanted to watch a dvd (Ghostbusters, he bought 1 and 2 for cheap amusement) but I couldn’t get it open, and the only sharp things we had were knives. I tried to slice the front open by holding the DVD down with my right hand and cutting with my left (I am left handed) and I slashed it a little but I really slashed my middle finger with the knife and started squirting all over my shorts and the kitchen floor and thank god I had a cell phone we got because he didn’t want to leave me alone without communication (if something like SLASHING my finger open happens augh) and I forgot the addy because it was only my second day so I had to run (mind you I was only wearing a sports bra and cut off jeans, it was a hot day and I thought that was an appropriate outfit)over to the neighbors and ask them what the addy was while I was bleeding with a towel on my hand and talking on the phone, he looked me up and down and then told me HIS addy (he got my bill later LOL) and I went back in and I tried as hard as I could to put a damn shirt on because I knew my grandparents would of had to pick me up and that wasn’t appropriate to see me in that outfit.

The jean cut off shorts still have the dried blood on them, I am keeping them like that probably forever, I wanna frame them probably lol they were my favorites and they just are really punk looking (blood is the punkest you can get right LOL)

Anyway I had to get about 7 stiches, and I had to put my finger in a splint (middle finger with a splint on is humorous to everyone) and I sliced a little of my tendon on that finger so I had to do exercises and change the bandages. I was terrified of knives for several years (this was about 3 years ago?) and I am finally getting used to it. This was pretty tramatizing not to depress anybody but that is the best stupid story I could think of.

Chestnuts roasted by Goob @ 07/12/2006 1:58 AM

Worst way I’ve hurt myself. I once heard it feels better to whack off with a lubricant off sorts.

Didn’t have any lotion. So i used Vicks Vapor Rub to rub one out.

It hurts like a mofo.

True story. Still stings just thinking about it.

Chestnuts roasted by Idiotheque @ 07/12/2006 2:36 AM

Quite possibly the dumbest way I ever hurt myself, or anyone has ever hurt themselves, ocurred during the summer following my sixth grade year. Once upon a time I was an acquiree of baseball cards (I refrain from using the term "collector" for reasons that shall become obvious later in the story) rarely did these somewhat valuable Nolan Ryans and Griffey Jrs stay contained within their card boxes and they instead remained strewn throughout the floors of my bedroom along with an assortment of POGS and Various LJN Wrestling figures. On a hot summer day in Texas it is the duty of every young boy to appear as needy-of-welfare as possible so shoes were not covering my feet as they normally would during the other seasons. For some reason I decided while walking across the bedroom to drag the tops of my feet along the floor much like a muppet that is being operated by a slightly retarded person. I would soon learn that the dragging of puppet feet was no laughing matter. Anyway my foot collided with the edge of Gaylord Perry’s rookie card and that is where things start to get interesting … anytime before you accidently cut yourself there is always that slight moment of hesitation within your mind in which you know you are about to bleed but the juices have yet to make it to your unintentional insicion. I was unaware that my foot would soon turn into a perpetual sprinkler head which spewed forth the crimson fluids that provide me sustinence. I equate the injury to a sprinkler because quite honestly that is exactly what it looked like. With each beat of my heart blood would subsequently shoot out of the afformentioned cavity. I dared not to remain macho and shrieked higher than the lead singer of Mr. Big in that part of song where they change the key for like the fourth time on the last chorus of their one and only hit song. As I stood their shrieking and my right foot in a pool of bloody baseball cards my dad, who just so happened to be a registered nurse, calmly scooped my up and took me into the bathroom where I preceeded to ruin a washcloth or two (girls just entering puberty, I feel your pain). I had up until this point never become sick at the sight of my own blood, which being a profession wrestling fanatic I had unwillingly seen many times before. I begin to feel nausiated and began puking what appeared to be MY GUTS into the tub! No really you see earlier in the day I had ingested for lunch a pan full of french fries slathered in ketchup and upon seeing my regergitations entered into viscious cycle that didn’t end until all them taters were resting on the bathmat. Long story short (sorry about the length) I went to the hospital got a bandaid and had to explain that I had cut my foot on a baseball card. The moral of the story is Gaylord Perry sucks and I will never walk like a retarded muppet again.

Chestnuts roasted by Adam Hull @ 07/12/2006 2:49 AM

When I was a kid, I stepped on an huge-ass staple on a marionette on the floor. It went deep into my foot. My dad just yanked it out, as he always did when I got impaled by something. My parents told me: "This is why you need to clean your room!"

I’ll also count any time I’ve fallen off my bike in the past few years. Even if it’s from something like having to turn sharply to avoid some kid who ran out in front of me.

Chestnuts roasted by RewolfJ @ 07/12/2006 3:34 AM

I’ve been a relatively injury free person, I’ve never been hospitalized or even close to needing it. I guess it was pretty stupid of me to try to slam my car door shut earlier today, but do it in that suave "getting in while closing it to do it faster" way, and the bottom corner swiped the front of my shin. Hurt like your mom.

Chestnuts roasted by Mara @ 07/12/2006 3:58 AM

Sweet! Amen is/was an awesome show.

Dumbest way- when I was little I was just walking, tripped broke my arm to the point of the bone jutting out. Sucked.
Also if you count drinking stuff that I know will make me sick but do anyway.

Chestnuts roasted by Eddie Lightning Frog @ 07/12/2006 5:06 AM

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