I had a dream that I ate a giant marshmallow, and when I woke up, my pillow had transformed into an all-too-long tribute to The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. One love, Stay Puft. We tight.

Fast food chains are more successful in some areas than other areas, and in NYC, the once-great Roy Rogers' scope has dwindled down to just a few remaining restaurants. I don't know when Roy stopped being fashionable, but I'd like to kill the person who started that movement because God damn, his chicken was serious business. The breast pieces always came with this little knob of fried fat attached to the edge, and popping those busters is certainly what led to every fried chicken place on the planet coming up with their version of "chicken poppers." If you live in a city that still pays Roy his due respect, consider yourself lucky and eat some crunchy skin for me.

Roy's inability to connect with children may have played a part in his slow decline. McDonald's had Happy Meals and Burger King had constant Happy Meal rip-offs, and Wendy's had a pretty little red-haired girl on the marquee, but what did Roy Rogers have? Nothing. Roy Rogers had chicken. Roy Rogers has roast beef. But Roy Rogers had no Happy Meal.

Eh, that's not entirely true. Once in a blue moon, Roy would put aside his convictions about chicken restaurants needing to serve chicken and not pander to the lowbrow crowd who wanted toys with their chicken. I assume this to be the work of his advisors, always in Roy's ear with more lies about the necessity of a Happy Meal element. I kind of want to spend the next paragraph writing "buckaw" over and over again, but I won't. One of Roy's Rare Rappy Reals was called "Power Pullers," including small action figures that...pulled power.

Essentially superhero-shaped Wacky Wall Walkers, the figures came in four different colors, stuffed in text-ridden picture boxes that went to great lengths to make the toys seem more interesting than McDonald's Fast Macs. Click here to download the commercial, and note how the song number doesn't really gel with save-the-world superhero toys. Buckaw buckaw buckaw buckaw buckaw buckaw buckaw buckaw buckaw buckaw buckaw buckaw.