Having grown tired of trying to dislodge the few remnants of toothpaste left out of a Spider-Man themed container of Crest every morning, I stopped by a pharmacy after work to get new teeth sludge. While there, I became instantly depressed at the sight of all of the unsold pre-made Easter baskets, now marked at half-price. I don’t know why it depressed me so much. Maybe it’s because I’ve always had this sick, twisted idea that pharmacies, toy stores and Wal-Marts hire poor old ladies to assemble these Easter baskets, which they assuredly would do with much love and care, and the thought that it was all for naught just makes me want to stand up, walk over and strangle you with twine. On the upside, it’s been a tremendous month for your local grocer’s freezer section, and below are three reasons why…

#1: With the phonetic similarities, it was only a matter of time before the “Leggo my Eggo” catch-phrase lost a letter and became almost-literal in this holy union of Eggo waffles and LEGO toys. I don’t mean that to sound like I’m screaming; I’ve had to work with style guides from LEGO before, and they insist that you spell it just like that: LEGO. All caps. Let’s just deal. The commercial for LEGO Eggo waffles is more amazing than the product itself, but that’s not to say that this isn’t the kind of marriage worth throwing rice over. As Kellogg’s has now fully embraced the fact that their Eggo brand is capable of being tweaked in a zillion fucked up ways, it was only a matter of time before they called their pals in Denmark and said, “let’s get retarded in heah.”

Though theoretically the most brilliant and awesome idea ever, I’m sad to say that it’s more of a gag in practice. The break-apart LEGO waffle pieces do not connect together in any real fashion, and in fact, they’re not even designed to look like they would ever do that, so there’s not even a lingering hope that you just suck and that other people are having no trouble making fighter planes and castle drawbridges out of waffle pieces. The most I could make out of mine was a little, boxed-in fort suitable for plastic green army men — and while that’s not impressive enough to curse at you, I should remind everyone that very few other brands of waffles even let you have that much. I’m more into these because it’s ridiculously cute to have my LEGOs and eat them too, but if either company wants my advice, I’d be happy to give it: Don’t tell people they can build things out of waffles when they can’t at all really do that. Aim low, deliver high.

#2: Every time I’ve mentioned popsicles or ice cream on the blog, the thread comments invariably turn to a discussion on Disney’s old “Mickey’s Parade” brand, which spanned from fruit-flavored character-shaped ice pops (my favorite) to ice cream bars in the shape of Mickey Mouse’s head. The latter is back, but not really. “Chocolate Ears Mickey” ice cream bars is not a name I’d be particularly proud of coining, but it says what it needs to, and the treats look remarkably similar to those heavenly desserts of yesteryear. Differences primarily include size (they’re smaller) and facial structure (they’re uglier), but these are tiny-sized gripes for such a big-time almost-resurgence. Hilariously, the box contains a big burst alluding to the fact that the bars are “better for kids,” but I question what they’re exactly better than, because one look at the nutritional label had me wondering why I didn’t just drink half a bottle of canola and be done with it. Actually, I know why: Because canola oil doesn’t have crunchy, chocolate ears.

Remember that thread from a few weeks back where I asked y’all to give me some Disney World vacation tips? Well, we booked it. Won’t tell you when I’m going because THAT’S A SURPRISE, but I’ll tell ya this: We went ahead and booked three nights at the Polynesian followed by three nights at the Grand Floridian, with Park Hopper passes for every day we’re there. When the reservation was set and paid in full, I realized that we probably could’ve bought Disney World for half as much money as we’re paying to stay there for a week.

During that process and ever since, I’ve been reading countless reviews of Disney World. It’s my new thang. Digging just deep enough, I’ve found that millions of people enjoy old school Mickey-shaped ice cream bars there, only Disney’s are covered completely in a chocolate shell, presumably to skirt any fast-acting melting in the Florida heat. I don’t know if this connects to the Chocolate Ears Mickey bars in anything more than a superficial way, but I couldn’t think of anything else to say. Well, just this: I wish they put together a bootleg version of the fruit-flavored character bars instead, because those rocked the house a hundred times harder than Mickey heads.

#3: Fear Factor Pop-Ups? Food based on Fear Factor?! Joe Rogan you crazy! Joe Rogan, you so CRAZY makin’ the ice cream! I’m of the mind that Fear Factor has a little-publicized but more-than-modest fanbase in grade school boys who think it’s fucking kickass to see people drink centipede blood on network television, and with that in mind, maybe a Fear Factor ice pop isn’t as stupid of an idea as I said it was at the top of my lungs when we spotted them last weekend.

They’re pretty hideous, though. Not in a theatrical way — I just mean they’re bad. Bad flavor, bad production. The watermelon pops (with blood-like gooey red filling) are okay, but the other ones just suck, and no matter how many lies they spread about the misshapen white gummi orb stuffed in each pop supposedly looking like a scary eyeball is going to change that. Really disappointing, but as I don’t think Nostradamus himself could’ve predicted the sight of the official Fear Factor show logo in a grocery store freezer section, I’m halfway tempted to whop my cack out and make it do that trick where it looks like it’s nodding with approval.

Random thoughts on shows/movies I’ve seen recently…

- Had to watch Nanny McPhee for a work-related project. Whatever, but it reminded me that I’m supposed to bone Kelly Macdonald before she gets old and fat.

- It’s been a weird, weird season on The Sopranos so far, with stories unfolding and being taken back and generally making you wonder what the fuck the POINT is, but damn, it’s still been one of the more purely entertaining seasons of the lot. Especially now that they’ve stopped with the stupid dream sequences. Seriously, does ANYBODY like those dream sequences?

- A friend and coworker’s wife writes for Big Love, so I’ve been watching it. I question the decision to pair it with Tony Soprano of all people, and I’m still kind of lost as to why the show was ever conceived, but since every glimpse of Bill Paxton reminds me to watch Predator 2 as often as possible, I’ll stick with it for now. Totally think they should’ve paid David Carradine a zillion bucks to play Roman, though.

- Read one of my thousand nature/science books last night, so I leave you with this fact: To get rest in a world where they can never literally sleep, dolphins do something truly kickass — they let half their brain sleep at a time. No, seriously. For eight hours, they’re totally awake. For the next eight, the left side of the brain is awake. For the final eight, the right side stands guard. How amazing is that? Why are dolphins so much cooler than me?

Posted by Matt. E-mail me!