X-Entertainment.com X-Entertainment.com A Proud UGO Affiliate
My dying wish is for an owl/camel hybrid, which I call camowl.
« [Main Index] »

Coke BlaK Attack!

Thursday started off typicially enough. I got to work, I checked to see how many more of my Sea-Monkeys died, I hit up every e-mail account I use except the one that actually relates to my job, and I pretended to be on the phone whenever I heard somebody annoying behind me in fear of them striking up one of those terrible "HAY it's the morning let's discuss stuff" conversations. Then I get a real call. It's from Kev, friend and coworker. "Matt, you know about this Coke coffee shit?" I knew where he was going with this. Word had already spread about Coca-Cola's troop of oompas, who were scouring the city this week to give everyone with a free hand a bottle of "Coke BlaK," a new soda enhanced with "coffee essence." They mark "coffee essence" in fairly large print right on the labels, thereby obliterating 100% of the potential heterosexual male market. I digress -- Kev told me to head down to 42nd. The Coke Folks were about to give away four hundred million bottles of BlaK. I didn't have my camera, but he did. Needless to say, I told my project manager that I had to cancel a meeting to handle a "family emergency" that could be magically rectified in the time it took for me to leave the building, walk to 42nd and grab as much Coke BlaK as the oompas would let me carry. Meanwhile, this is what Kev was seeing...

With the speed and efficiency of a top secret spy organization, Coke's team of magicians emptied an unmarked truck containing no less than FOUR HUNDRED TRILLION bottles of Coke BlaK, which were then poured into no less than FOUR HUNDRED MILLION big giant tubs filled with ice. Their goal: Get as many pedestrians to drink the holy drink as possible. Nobody turns down a free sample, and only an idiot would turn down a free sample that came in a glass bottle with a Coke logo on it. This was going to be hot, and after cursing out the elevator for taking too long using such horrible words that I'm almost going to feel like I have to apologize to it tomorrow, I arrived. I arrived, I looked up, and I shouted to God: "Yo big man, you behind this?"

While the assorted worker bees, tourists and vagrants were initially perplexed, everyone soon realized that people were giving out free soda, and if this wasn't a reason to act like you had cancer and they were handing over limited quantities of the cure, I don't know what is. The crowds went absolutely crazy. Hands, feet, heads...everywhere. So, so, so many heads, hands and feet. Though Coke's peeps mandated that everyone was only allowed one bottle, it was very easy to circumvent that spiteful bit of lameness by pocketing each bottle before walking up to the next vendor. I left with two, and I feel like an asshole because I totally could've nailed eight or nine if I had any balls. Then again, nothing will grow testicles faster than the idea of a gigantic, absolutely GIGANTIC soda corporation believing in shady market research and mass-producing a soft drink with the term "coffee essence" printed on the label.

I kid, really I do. Truth is, I've been looking forward to Coke BlaK's debut to the point where you'd swear Coke BlaK was debuting on Christmas morning. I love it when new sodas come out, even bad ones. That's not to say that Coke BlaK is bad or anything, but it's certainly weird, and every time I read "BlaK" I keep thinking they must've named it after one of the girls from En Vogue. But that wouldn't make sense, because everyone in En Vogue died years ago when I killed and ate them.

Look at all that Coke BlaK. And that's just one of the thirty billion tubs. I swear I heard someone in the background yapping about how "there's starving kids in China."

Managing to lift three bottles and two swank cardboard Coke BlaK carriers between us, Kev and I slowly walked back to the office, relishing our victory in a sea of hundreds upon hundreds of others who were doing the same. There wasn't a soul in Times Square without a bottle of complimentary Coke BlaK, but for all of this clever/shrewd/whatever marketing to work, the drink really needed to not be awful. I'm happy to report that Coke BlaK is NOT awful. I will never buy it, but it's not awful.

In a way, it's actually almost sort of halfway to good. Picture cream soda with a splash of cold coffee, but with the psychosomatical edge of drinking it out of a fucking Praise Jesus awesome glass Coca-Cola bottle. (Hopefully the glass bottle thing is for keeps and wasn't just a special deal for today's promotion.) The flavor is in no way overpowering or offensive, relying more on the merits of having a label that says "COFFEE" than, you know, actually tasting like coffee. For me, this one's all about presentation. Glass bottle, revised swirly brown/off-white Coke logo color motif, and the coke-rem de coke-rem -- black bottle caps. I'm so happy soda companies finally realized how badass black bottle caps are, because I've been saying it for years and I prefer to think that the reason they use them now is completely on me. Disagree and I'll smash my bottle and cut you with whatever part is left in my hand.

It's sleek, it's upscale, it'll probably cost more than most other sodas, and it comes in a glass bottle. It's Coke BlaK. Something hovers over the "a," but I'm not sure how to type it.

You know what the BlaKmobile does? Sits around looking pretty.

More Images From The Greatest Event Of This Lifetime:

Posted by Matt on 04/14/2006. E-mail me!



Discussion Thread: 143 comments

Hee, just saw a clever King Kong/Glad bags commercial.
I am a coffee lover, though this weekend was the first time I’ve drunk it black (waiter came by and swooped the additives). I felt like it was a rite of passage or something. My usual preference is a really strong brew, but with lots of cream and a dash of sugar. I don’t know if I can hang with the Blak…maybe if it was spiked.

Chestnuts roasted by squee4242 @ 04/14/2006 10:49 AM

Haven’t tried it yet. I just wanted to point out how cool it was that there was a Fanta ad at the bottom of the coke article…SODA RULES!

Chestnuts roasted by Scooter Libby @ 04/14/2006 10:51 AM

I tried Coke BlaK last week, it was very similar to Pepsi Latte, which I tried when I was in Thailand. It (referring to both Coke BlaK and Pepsi Latte) tastes like the respective cola on first taste, then briefly crosses paths with coffee flavor as it runs through your mouth and has a coffee aftertaste. Not at all bad, just interesting. A good one time experience (and souvenier bottle for my strange bottle collection) but sadly I have gone BlaK and will be going back.

My First Pepsi Latte:
http://img520.imageshack.us/img520/6136/n821003063002954816126rk.jpg

Chestnuts roasted by Barry @ 04/14/2006 10:55 AM

I miss OK cola so much.
Well, I think I miss what the cans looked like more, I’m not sure if Daniel Clowes actually did the artwork for them but it was a darn good imitation if it wasn’t.

Chestnuts roasted by Glitter Godzilla @ 04/14/2006 11:14 AM

. . . How is it pronounced? Because a radio announcer this morning called it "Coke Blake". They may have been dumbtarded.

Chestnuts roasted by Julie @ 04/14/2006 11:15 AM

Yeah I like Coke Blak a lot, being a heterosexual male aside. It costs 5.69 for a 4-pack here in Austin, but one day every Randalls in town offered 4 for 1.99. So I basically just loaded up my car and vowed to never buy it again. I can’t wait until they make even more seemingly gross stuff, like Coke with "orange juice essence".

Chestnuts roasted by Eddie Lightning Frog @ 04/14/2006 11:19 AM

this stuff is excellent. i was first hesistant to try it, but i’m glad i did. too bad it’s 5.79 for a four pack.

Chestnuts roasted by matt g @ 04/14/2006 11:26 AM

I tried it, liked it at first, but I couldn’t even finish the 8 oz. bottle. Halfway through it starts to get to you and make you not want to drink it for a good while. yet as I think about it now, i want to drink another half bottle again.

Chestnuts roasted by Pancake @ 04/14/2006 11:31 AM

I like Coke and I like coffee, but found that I don’t like Coke Blak. Have the remaining 3 bottle sitting in my fridge. Ick.

Chestnuts roasted by Law Dog @ 04/14/2006 11:43 AM

Julie:

I think it’s supposed to be pronounced "Black," but the line over the A, if taken literally, means it’s a long vowel sound.

Chestnuts roasted by mtrox @ 04/14/2006 11:46 AM

@Pancake: buy only half bottles then :) .

When it crosses the ocean I’m certainly going to give it a go. I thought Vanilla Coke was gross, but it actually kind of tastes nice. It doesn’t beat a real scoop of vanilla ice cream in your coke though. That stuff is delirious although it probably doesn’t sound that way ;) .

I wonder what this Blak thing will taste like.

Thank you, Coca Cola marketing gods for dousing us with your miracles of product placement. May your bonuses be forever high.

Chestnuts roasted by Jorge @ 04/14/2006 11:46 AM

Oh god, this stuff is completely awful. It’s like flat, cornsyrup water and coffee flavoring that have been mystically included in the same bottle, but have not managed to mix together.

The result is something that tastes like you would imagine tongue kissing keith richards first thing in the morning would taste like.

Chestnuts roasted by Carbontetra @ 04/14/2006 11:47 AM

I work at a groccery store (yeah yeah, laugh it up), and I’ve seen exactly one person buy a single bottle within the past week. Even if it IS good, it’s dead in the water.

Chestnuts roasted by Jurodan @ 04/14/2006 11:48 AM

Chestnuts roasted by Jeff @ 04/14/2006 09:49 AM EST
Quote:
I’m such a DP fan.
(Jeff there is other forums where this sort of thing should be discussed :D )

But in terms of this new coke atrocity, Ive had it and quite frankly would rather drink glycol.

Chestnuts roasted by Colby @ 04/14/2006 11:54 AM

First free Diet Mountain Dew? Now free Coke with "Coffee Essence"? I wish I lived in NYC…

Chestnuts roasted by Reid @ 04/14/2006 11:58 AM

im just wondering, how many of you like coffee to begin with. if you dont, that is probably why some of you dont like it. i personally havent tried it yet

Chestnuts roasted by theranter @ 04/14/2006 11:59 AM

I tried it today and like it. It’s a little sweet, though. I also tried the TAB energy drink-BLECHH!! Now that’s gross.

Chestnuts roasted by m @ 04/14/2006 12:12 PM

Was this yesterday, 4/13? It can’t be today 4/14 because it’s cloudy in NYC.

And you got the scene all wrong, Jedoc.

It’s like this:

The scene opens. A guy is walking down the street, cell phone in one hand, coffee in the other. Cut to a guy coming from the other direction, also talking on the cell phone, drinking Coca-Cola. They collide. Fluids are exchanged.

"You got Coca-Cola in my coffee!"

"You got coffee in my Coca-Cola!"

Officer Blak steps in and says "What’s going on here?"

You should know the rest of the story if you watched Family Guy.

Chestnuts roasted by Schwhat @ 04/14/2006 12:14 PM

" But that wouldn’t make sense, because everyone in En Vogue died years ago when I killed and ate them."
If it wasn’t for my The Cheat-like hot tea drinking reflexes, the screen would have been soaked.

Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 04/14/2006 12:25 PM

Schwhat: If you ever compare me to Family Guy again, I will kill you where you stand.

Oh, I can’t stay mad at you. C’mere.

Chestnuts roasted by Jedoc @ 04/14/2006 12:25 PM

"Jeff there is other forums where this sort of thing should be discussed." – Colby

Sorry. That was my first post on the X-E blog. I’ve been wanting to get into the action for a while now.

Chestnuts roasted by Jeff @ 04/14/2006 12:29 PM

I wasn’t overly impressed with it. But I’d like to try it with some Jack daniels or something.

It was cheap too. I got a four pack here in san Francisco from Safeway for $2.50 But I did have to get the guy to get it out of the back room for me as they hadn’t even bothered to put it on their shelves yet. I don’t think I’ll be buying this on a regular basis.

Also was it just me, or does it seem overcarbonated?

Chestnuts roasted by Chappy @ 04/14/2006 12:33 PM

I posted this on another thread but it seems appropriate to post it again now. Berries and Cream Dr. Pepper tastes like Creme Savers with a little Dr. Pepper aftertaste. It was not bad actually. I would probably not drink it if I wanted a nice refreshing soda, but I might drink it if I wanted to eat Creme Savers but was too lazy to unwrap 20 of them.

Chestnuts roasted by LuLu @ 04/14/2006 12:35 PM

glitter godzilla-yep "OK Cola" was Clowes work- a buddy who was a fan of his work(esp his whole anti-corporate stuff) called him on it at a Q&A & got the mother of all dirty looks from Clowes

Chestnuts roasted by don raymond @ 04/14/2006 12:37 PM

Oh, and about the line thingy over the work "BlaK". In the press releases and things it is written as a straight line (which bothers me, since that would be pronounced "Blake"). But on the bottle, it’s written more artistically and it is kind of a wavy line. Which still serves no apparent purpose except to look pretty. If they want to fancy-up their vowels, they ought to at least use the correct diacritical markings.

Chestnuts roasted by LuLu @ 04/14/2006 12:39 PM

Add A New Comment!


This entry was posted on Friday, April 14th, 2006 at 2:01 am and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.