A Bad Case of Worms is in all likelihood the earliest toy I can remember specifically asking for, and praise Nord the Barbarian, it’s in my arms again.
God, how I loved these. People call you a liar when you say you remember things from when you were 4 or 5, unless you arbitrarily decided you were kidnapped or molested as a child after catching a Melrose Place rerun. I swear to you, I remember getting these. I remember getting these from the KB Toys in the Staten Island Mall, back when it was called “Kay-Bee Toys,” and back when there was a McDonald’s next to it filled with lightweight tin ashtrays with the golden arches etched in. The ABCOW tiny toy briefcases were stocked near the register along with all of the assorted candies and other impulse items, and every time my mother brought me to the mall, I got a new ABCOW toy. I cannot express the joy I found in these things, but I think I can explain it. I was really young. Maybe young enough to still have some lingering traits from that whole animism period all children go through. To me, these sticky and impossibly cute rubber worm figures weren’t rubber worm figures at all — they were pets, alive, ready to party and needing me.
For almost twenty years I sat by candlelight every night trying to remember what the fuck the toys were called, and it was actually an X-E blog poster who shed light on the mystery back in January of 2005. After that, I researched the holy hell out of ABCOW toys, not finding much outside of a few old marketing articles retelling the success of the toys’ ad campaign. I have no idea if I wanted the toys because of the cool commercial or just because they were there, but after finding and reviewing the TV ad, the sight of bad cases of good worms made my mission clear: I had to find them again. And, as you’ve seen above, I have!
Each small plastic briefcase opened to reveal a pair of sticky (like, sticky for crawling down walls kind of sticky) worm figures in various colors, and because God loves me this week, the pair I found are greens, which was my favorite as a child because it was harder to roleplay faithfully with neon orange worms. The figures look much more like snakes, each with the most adorable facial features you’ve ever seen, including a smile that will make the day my parents die not as bad as I’m thinking it will be. Though the whole idea behind ABCOW toys was in their supposed “gross factor” and the idea that you could throw them at stuff and watch them creepily crawl down, I never saw them as anything but my own cute little pets. I treated them like gold, carried them everywhere and never once gave into the obvious temptation to turn their briefcase house into a coin purse. When you’re five-years-old, every container is a piggy bank waiting to be had.
I purchased them recently at a price so ridiculously overblown that I’ll never confess what it was, but that’s the only ABCOW toy I’ve ever seen for sale since the line’s retail days. If you’re thinking what I was thinking, stop thinking it, because the chances of you finding A Bad Case of Worms toys are about as good as the chances of me living past 40. In other words, I’m here to brag and I’m here to spite you: I got worms and you don’t, motherfucker.
Use the comments section to talk about some of the weirder, lesser and more obscure toys you worshipped as a kid. And get your damn hands off my worms.
Posted by Matt. E-mail me!
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Hey while we’re on the subject of odd toys, maybe ya’ll can help me remember the name of a board game I can’t think of. All I really remember was I think you were some sort of adventurer and there was this annoying brown plastic bridge you had to cross. If anyone can think of the name I’ll be way grateful.