So we’re doing State Testing at School, for "No Child Left Behind", and I started cracking up today, and almost couldn’t stop. AMAZING!
The sad part is that this may cost my 5th grade class its "Kansas School of Excellency" honor, due to the fact that their teacher couldn’t hold it in.
Oh well. It was worth it. Great Job Matt! Never quit!
Ghosted by Dixon Deeper @ 04/10/2006 4:44 PM EDT
The good Dr. notwithstanding, talking with the poster kids here at X-E is just as random, insightful, and dirty. Add speech synthesis, and there’s you some fun right there. Remember when Matt had an article "read’ by a speech program?
Ghosted by kingklash @ 04/10/2006 4:48 PM EDT
Do you think when Matt had an article "read" by a speech program?
Ghosted by Yet Another Matt @ 04/10/2006 6:13 PM EDT
I suggested once that Matt let Mrs. Dr. read one of our posts. Considering where we ultimately lead most posts, that is car-crash-you-can’t-look-away-from frightening.
Ghosted by kingklash @ 04/10/2006 6:23 PM EDT
There’s a way to get Dr. Sbaitso to read any dang TXT file your heart desires. Just type in "Help". (You can also change the pitch, speed, colors, and other variables).
I hope you continue with your site well into your 80s Matt. It’s one of the funniest, nostalgic, and amazing sites out there. I think what you need is a vacation, which can do wonders for people minds.
Keep up the great work.
Ghosted by JLAJRC @ 04/10/2006 6:54 PM EDT
Wow- I have never heard of this program (since I only got a PC in high school, and all we did on computers at elementary school was play King’s Quest and Hot Dog Stand)- but I can totally see the allure of it.
When I first got my computer (1998), I would literally stay up until 3 AM every school night using ICQ and horrible chat rooms- sometimes I felt closer to those internet people than the phonies at high school.
Your life couldn’t be more different now, Matt! Tons of allure, tons of toys, a cool-sounding job, and heaps of appreciative fans here at XE. Thanks.
Ghosted by Muppet Baby @ 04/10/2006 6:55 PM EDT
I pissed him off and he said shut up and go fly a kite.
Ghosted by Omgiamonfire @ 04/10/2006 7:11 PM EDT
HELP!!!
I can’t get this thing to work at all! What are the steps to follow in order to get it going? I have WinMe if that helps. Please someone help me!
My "junior high years" were spent at a special services school. Not only was I alone, but I was incredibly different. I was a nice, smart girl who’d never had sex, never been in a fist or verbal fight, wasn’t physically disabled, prefered reading to going out at night, and lived nowhere near almost any other kid in the school. The closest to me (my family lived in West Cape May at the time) was in the Tranquility cul-de-sac over the bridge, just outside of North Cape May. My mom and stepdad were busy working and concieving my brother, and my sisters had pretty much declared their lives almost totally separate from mine.
Our first "computer" was this little keyboard thing that attatched to your TV set. This was gone by about 1990, and we wouldn’t have another computer until 1995. The wonderful world of Dr. Sbaisto is completely new to me…but it’s certainly an interesting concept, good for venting your frustrations if nothing else, as Matt demonstrated.
Ghosted by starwenn @ 04/10/2006 8:02 PM EDT
Holy jeez…"Not if they can’t have SEX SEX SEX FUNK THE TRUNK." That was the hardest I’ve laughed in weeks.
Ghosted by billthebutcher @ 04/10/2006 9:09 PM EDT
Antenna, extract all the files into a folder and run SBAITSO2.BAT
Dr. Sbaitso asked me about hatred and I said "Hatred is good" and he told me "Hatred is toxic chemical in your mind, it explodes on your face." Then I went away for hours to think…
anybody seen the movie Bodyslam? It’s great!! I caught it the other night on late-night TV, and I knew from the opening I had to watch the whole thing! It’s got "Face" from the A-Team…"Rowdy" Roddy Piper, Capt. Lou, Billy Barty, and Midge from That 70’s Show!! It was terrible, but so great! Face drove the Magnum P.I. car til it got repo’d, and then he got a new car from John Astin!! Unbelievable!
And I got Nat’l Lampoon’s Last Resort for $5 at Hell-Mart, along with Summer Rental (woot!) and Mars Attacks! Yeah, I know!
Off to have a Pudding Pop!
Ghosted by kidneyboy @ 04/11/2006 12:18 PM EDT
oh, has anyone heard of the Garbage Pail Kids Animated series? I just saw it in Hell-Mart, it’s a 2 disc, with 13 episodes? Says it was never aired, anybody got any more info?
and no, I’m not making fun of anyone!
Ghosted by kidneyboy @ 04/11/2006 12:22 PM EDT
I’m such a child. I’m on XP so I was saddened that I couldn’y run the good Dr. but then I downloaded DOSbox and I’ve spent the last thirty minutes getting Dr. Sbaito to say horrible, terrible, nasty things.
Ghosted by Wukong @ 04/11/2006 12:23 PM EDT
Man. I don’t know if I ever had Dr. Sbaitso himself, but I remember spending way too much time with a program of that sort. I did the same thing, treated it too much like a human being. I was young and not all that intelligent, I honestly believed I could get a good response.
Ghosted by Aristobulus @ 04/11/2006 2:37 AM EDT
kidneyboy I’m pretty sure it aired in the UK, just not in the US. I have yet to watch my copy of the Garbage Pail Kids movie. Frankly it kind of scares me. Sitting there. All in it’s proper alphabetized spot between Fraggle Rock and Garfield. *shudder*
The Chipmunk Adventure is finally coming to DVD next month. YAY CHIPETTES!
I’ve never heard of Sbaitso, but I have spent a good amount of time talking to the Oliverbot at http://www.oliverbot.com. It’s essentially the same thing, but online. And possibly a bit dumber.
Mattman: So if hatred is in your brain, and it’s supposed to explode on your face, wouldn’t that involve toxic chemicals exploding out of your nose? If so, the Sbaitso Theorum might go a long way towards explaining what’s been happening to all my good shirts.
Ghosted by Jedoc @ 04/11/2006 8:44 AM EDT
Thanks anyway Jeff, but all I get is an error message everytime I try to type anything. I guess It just wasn’t meant to be. Man, I’m so depressed, and I’m too dumb to keep an apointment with Dr. Sbaitso. Or maybe I’m depressed BECAUSE I’m too dumb to keep an apointment with Dr. Sbaitso. Damnit! This is exactly the kind of question I needed to ask Dr. Sbaitso!!! I’m gonna go kill myself…Goodbye cruel MS-DOS!
We were late on the computer bandwagon (Christmas of 96), but when we finally got it, it had a speech reader. One of the first things I did was type all the lyrics to Arrested Development’s Mr. Wendell. Classic.
I still get sucked into the lonely "computer as friend" mode once in a while. I’ve caught myself talking to the Hoyle Board Games characters as if we’re actually people playing a game together. Once I do, I feel the need to go grocery shopping or anything else that will get me out of the house and around people.
Ghosted by Lori @ 04/11/2006 10:30 AM EDT
dude that had to be one of the best articles ever!
All I need is him and Zork, and my weekend is complete.
MAtt, all the work you do here is completely appreciated, and I think a whole bunch, if not the majority, of us, would be traumatized if something happened to this site. Seriously. I for one, and I will freely admit this, look forward to coming here everyday. I’m not crazy, I’m mentally stable, I have a great job, and a pretty great life overall, but coming to this sight is really a highlight to my day and has been for several years. At the minimum, it lets me know there are people out there that appreciate the same things I do.
Now that I’m in the sentimental mood, I need to get the Dr. to whisper sweet digitized nothings in my ear. …
Ghosted by Darth Galvatron @ 04/11/2006 12:00 PM EDT
Domo arigato, Dr. Sbaitso. (because nobody said it yet)
And, Darth G, next time your woman wants you to whisper sweet nothings in her ear, she won’t like it if all she hears is "Donut holes, donut holes, donut holes…"
Ghosted by kingklash @ 04/11/2006 12:23 PM EDT
Kinglash:
I usually just whisper "sweet nothings, sweet nothings, sweet nothings…"
I think it’s funny….apparently most women do not….
Ghosted by Darth Galvatron @ 04/11/2006 12:49 PM EDT
I have never heard of this Dr. Sbaitso before this article. I was computer deprived (pretty much) as a child. Well, ok we had a Tandy something or other, but yeah, all I played was King’s Quest, Space Quest and … was it Zork? Doesn’t seem right, but maybe. It was the one where you didn’t have any graphics, just a map to go by, and they gave you descriptions of the setting, and you got choices as to what you wanted to do next. Loved that game.
Matt, you could write a 25 word article about dirt and we would still love you and your site.
Ghosted by Ryane @ 04/11/2006 1:04 PM EDT
Ryane:
Yup, Zork, definately Zork.
God that game was awesome!
Ghosted by Darth Galvatron @ 04/11/2006 1:07 PM EDT
Ok, cool. Yeah I’ve been sitting here trying to think of what else that game could be called, but nothing is coming to mind, and I knew it was 4 letters and started with a Z.
Jedoc! I never saw the article about the ebay dirt jar. Ha! I totally forgot about the Dracula dirt though.
Hey Matt, I know a lot of others have alreaday told you how much you and your site are appreciated, but I am compelled to say the same. I rarely post because I choose to live vicariously through the absolutely hysterical mo fo’s who regularly post on the blog (and I could never match the hilarity, so I don’t bother). Anyway, Matt, at the end of the day, it’s your call, just know that you do provide us all with a service and have created a nice, completely loveable, and pleasantly dysfunctional online family. As long as you’re still writing the funniest damn articles on the planet, keep up the good work, and know that you’re appreciated. Thanks again! We love ya.
Ghosted by Bludge @ 04/11/2006 3:35 PM EDT
I need some quick help. I have to write a paper about memorable movie quotes. I know if there is any group that can help me with some great ones, it is the bloggers of X-E.
Ghosted by Johnny @ 04/11/2006 3:51 PM EDT
*swedish chef voice*
Zork zork, zork. Zork zork zork zork.
Obvious exits are NORTH, SOUTH, and DENNIS.
What wouldst thou deau?
Ghosted by kingklash @ 04/11/2006 4:02 PM EDT
Johnny,
For movie quotes, go to IMDB. They’ve got a plethora of quotes on that site.
And, on topic, some one mentioned an online God program. It’s called iGod. It, too, is a quite hilarious upgrade from the good Dr. days.
Ghosted by eyeless @ 04/11/2006 4:08 PM EDT
Johnny,
A few of my faves:
"Careful man, there’s a beverage here!"
"You’re wearing the shirt of the band you’re going to see? Don’t be that guy."
"If Laura and her bourgeois friends don’t like it, fuck ‘em, let ‘em riot. We’re Sonic fucking Death Monkey"
Ghosted by billthebutcher @ 04/11/2006 4:28 PM EDT
Another…
"I was checking the specs for the in-line…on the rotary…girder…I’m retarded…"
Ghosted by billthebutcher @ 04/11/2006 4:33 PM EDT
Nny: The top 100 movie quotes according to the American Film Institute, Those are just the nominees, but I linked to that page instead of the list itself because it includes a cluster of other links you might find useful. You want my advice, though, you can’t do much better than "You’re a godsend, a savior." "No, I’m a postman." Oh, Kevin Costner. You hurt so good.
Ghosted by Jedoc @ 04/11/2006 4:39 PM EDT
Oh, and they probably won’t appear on any of those lists, but don’t forget the brownies from Willow. Tiny French barbarians? Comedy gold.
Ghosted by Jedoc @ 04/11/2006 4:41 PM EDT
One more, a doozy:
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: "Who said that? Who the fuck said that? Who’s the slimy little communist shit, twinkle-toed cocksucker down here who just signed his own death warrant? Nobody, huh? The fairy fucking godmother said it! Out-fucking-standing! I will PT you all until you fucking die! I’ll PT you until your assholes are sucking buttermilk!"
Ghosted by billthebutcher @ 04/11/2006 4:42 PM EDT
I had no idea so many others were friends of the doctor. I’ve mentioned it before on IRC, in channels full of geeks who damn well ought to know Sbaitso, and usually get blank responses.
To whoever mentioned feeding him Arrested Development lyrics, any rap lyrics into any computer-voice-thingamadoo are comedy gold. Just give Microsoft Sam or anything else the lyrics of "Whoomp! There It Is!" and prepare for entertainment.
I know the SoundBlaster’s included software contained more than just Sbaitso, but I can’t recall the others, as I never used them nearly as often. I seem to remember one of them being an animated parrot that would repeat your text, which ran under Windows instead of DOS, but it never really worked as well and the parrot voice got old real quick.
Ghosted by lugnut @ 04/11/2006 4:50 PM EDT
Wow, chatting with God is downright eerie….Gets very existential. Wish you could save the conversation.
Another couple of Java games that might be of interest: The ESP Game Peekaboom
Please note, I accept no responsibility if you play them endlessly instead of doing your taxes.
Thank you Matt. I had never heard of Dr. sbaitso before. Now I have it and I have been laughing my ass off. So far the funniest thing in the office that we could come up with is Jules’ death speech from Pulp Fiction. "Say what again motherfucker" just sounds damn funny coming from the Doc.
Ghosted by Fishstix @ 04/11/2006 5:45 PM EDT
Dr. Sbaitso keeps trying to change the subject to "SEXY STUFFS".:(
Ghosted by Darth Poop @ 04/11/2006 5:55 PM EDT
I think my favorite movie quote has to be: "I’ve got better things to do tonight than die."
I used to bust that one out ALL the time when my friends wanted me to do something exceptionally stupid. Considering how many hare-brained ideas my buddies had in high school and college, I said this one a LOT.
Two points and a hi-five go to the person who can name the movie and the character.
Ghosted by spaz307 @ 04/11/2006 8:04 PM EDT
We had a Tandy. I was in the 2nd grade. I asked him where babies came from. Bastard never told me.
Ghosted by Jill @ 04/11/2006 8:12 PM EDT
I’m curiously relieved to find that I’m not the only one who cut my teeth on a Tandy. 640k of POWERRRRRRRR.
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Posted by Matt. 
Ghosted by 
So we’re doing State Testing at School, for "No Child Left Behind", and I started cracking up today, and almost couldn’t stop. AMAZING!
The sad part is that this may cost my 5th grade class its "Kansas School of Excellency" honor, due to the fact that their teacher couldn’t hold it in.
Oh well. It was worth it. Great Job Matt! Never quit!