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Of Coffee and Kool-Aid.

Whoa ho hey, sorry for the lack of me lately.  I've either been busy or in prolonged "why are we here" moods, neither of which makes me particularly fun to hang out with.  Massive freelance week -- did a movie review for Box Office Magazine, then wrote up my first "ongoing" ToyFare assignment, the "Free Toys" sidebar in the price guide section, which will now draw heavily from my immense collection of cereal premiums.  I knew they'd come in handy.  Everything related to cereal eventually does.  I also celebrated something or another by buying myself a new laptop.  Not a particularly good one, but I wanted something lightweight so I could write on the go.  Should've held out for a two-pounder, but carrying around my mighty five-pounder may finally provide me the shoulder definition I've so long hoped for.

It's always fun to write on a new computer.  It's like how everyone always does better in school during the first ten pages of a new notebook.  You're all into it and stuff.  I think it's transcended to the digital generation, because I feel more capable of WORDS WORDS WORDS than I have for at least a month.  Or, it could just be the coffee.


The sweet, sweet coffee that I thank my deity for every night before sacrificing a chicken.  I'm here for a reason, folks.  The Kool-Aid Section has been updated, finally with something that isn't seventy years old: Switchin' Secret, a flavor that starts one way, ends another way, and manages to end again in an another way entirely.  See it while you can.

Posted by Matt on 03/29/2006. E-mail me!



Discussion Thread: 74 comments

I’ve had a number of "dumb food moments," mostly involving eating contests…

65 wings in a half hour. I literally ate until my stomach was full. The stuff was getting caught in my esophagus and I ended up puking into a trash can. I was up all night throwing up and just feeling bloated and ridiculous. (I was campus champion until a year later when some schmo got 66. At that point, I was a dieting vegetarian, so I cared very little).

Also, I ate an entire box of the Little Debbie oatmeal cream pies (the giant-sized ones) on a bet. Not too hard, but once again there is food-challenge bloating.

Chestnuts roasted by mtrox @ 03/30/2006 7:53 AM

break out the clean tablecloth for the hottest show on Earth. So take off all your clothes. I just spit coffee, thanks:)
I once ate half a bag of shredded coconut, I was about 10. Now the stuff makes me gag.

Chestnuts roasted by kb @ 03/30/2006 8:09 AM

I tried to google an explanation behind the wondrous color-changing properties of some Kool Aid, but all I came up with was a bunch of hair dyeing sites, a bunch of knitting sites, and more sites dealing with the effects of food dyes on poop color than I’m really comfortable with. You have failed me, internet.

Chestnuts roasted by Jedoc @ 03/30/2006 8:32 AM

Dumb food moments…
Well, once, a few years ago when I was much younger, probably 12 or so, I went with my parents to one of those all you can eat buffets. I wasn’t really interested in all the random junk they had there – the nasty slices of pizza or the crab legs. I went for the lo mein and the chicken nuggets and french fries.

Now, being that this was an all you can eat buffet, my parents kept telling me "Go and get another plate! You have to eat!" So I kept finishing, and going back for more. I was like a little twelve year old Takeru Kobayashi, devouring plate after plate of lo mein and junk food while my parents tried to get their money’s worth. We also kept getting free water refills, so I must have gone through about 3 or 4 glasses of water until.

Urp! I got up and felt it all sloshing around in my stomach. I ran to the bathroom and threw up.

Chestnuts roasted by TPStag @ 03/30/2006 9:06 AM

Dumb food moment? The first one that comes to mind is one that I imagine most anyone who was ever a kid can claim. You want cereal but have no milk? No worries. I’m sure water will make a good substitiute. :-(

Chestnuts roasted by Lori @ 03/30/2006 9:13 AM

Hey, did I catch a New Order reference with the "everything goes green" line?

Chestnuts roasted by Lou @ 03/30/2006 9:38 AM

I had a not so much dumb as disgusting food moment last night. I ate a Happy Meal and since I’m getting over what I’m pretty sure can only be labeled as near death, I started coughing and couldn’t stop and then I puked up my Happy Meal in front of the neighbor. :- It wasn’t like gross biley puke though, it was just like chewed up Happy Meal. Both disgusting and embarassing and I think I might have broken another rib from the coughing. Yea… I found out the hard way that you CAN break ribs from coughing.

Chestnuts roasted by Rebecca @ 03/30/2006 9:49 AM

Dumb food moment for me?

Making it with the wife of the Jolly Green Giant. He wasn’t so Jlolly after that, and explains why Sprout hung out with all of those freaky veggies in that kids book Matt reviewed not too long ago.

Chestnuts roasted by Invader Norbert @ 03/30/2006 9:51 AM

Lori-That brings back memories. When you’re a kid and there is no milk, water surely does make a good substitute. I remember once my brother and I decided to get brave and put Coca-Cola in Cocoa Puffs. I don’t remember if it was good or not, just that my mother damn near had a stroke when she saw what we had done. Thinking back, I am not sure why she was so upset. Obviously, she’s the one that bought more coke than milk, right?

Chestnuts roasted by earthwormgoddess @ 03/30/2006 9:55 AM

Does a dumb food moment count if you weren’t the one actually ingesting the food? When I was a wee lass, I would make "creations" for my dog (mostly involving flour to make a dough, then adding food coloring and other weird spices). I’m sure it tasted awful, but my dog loved me, so he would eat every bite.

One day, we were out of flour. "No problem," I thought. "SALT is the same as flour, right?" Oh, dear. Turns out no, no, it is not. My dog gobbled it up, but was sick for hours and hours afterward. I felt so bad! I guess I’m lucky the poor thing didn’t die of dehydration or sodium poisoning or…whatever you could die from because you ate too much salt!

Chestnuts roasted by purplegirl247 @ 03/30/2006 10:04 AM

The dumb food moment that always stands out for me also involves Fred Savage. Sorta.

Upon convincing my parents that I would surely die without going to see "The Wizard," we arrived and I headed for the snack-bar, where I bought the largest box of Good n’ Plenty’s they had. I used to love the things dearly. Emphasis on "used to."

The movie began and it was everything I could hope for. The comedy, the drama, the passion. Throughout the duration I munched happily on my candy, in orgasmic anticipation for the SMB3 reveal – but by the time it came, a rumbling in my stomach began indicating something was awry. No matter, I’m seeing SMB3 and the kids at school aren’t. Nyah.

So the movie ends, we get up to leave, and almost simultaneously with standing up, a Technicolour hue of purple-and-white Good n Plenty vomit spews forth all over the theatre aisle, where many people surely had to walk around it, and while there was certainly plenty of it, it was not good.

I think I survived the car ride home, but my first stop once arriving back was the bathroom where the process repeated. To this day, I can’t even smell GnP’s without becoming nauseous.

This is all Kevin Arnold’s fault.

Chestnuts roasted by lugnut @ 03/30/2006 10:11 AM

My dumbest food moment: The Week Of Getting Outwitted By Drinks Bottles. It’s night time, I’m thirsty, I unscrew the cap of a squash bottle and rest in on top. Then I spend about half an hour waiting for the water to run nice ‘n’ cold, before remembering that I need to shake that bad boy well before use. Now when I shake, I SHAKE. And when I soak myself in undiluted squash like an idiot, I SOAK MYSELF IN UNDILUTED SQUASH LIKE AN IDIOT. I stood there, dripping intensely flavoured orange drink from my hair, vowing never, ever to be so stupid again.

So I did the exact same thing the following night. How I laughed.

Chestnuts roasted by Candle Snuff Fungus @ 03/30/2006 10:29 AM

No cream/milk with the coffee? My, aren’t We the manly man! =^D

Chestnuts roasted by heyursnisstupid @ 03/30/2006 10:30 AM

The coffee portrait makes me happy. I’m about 20 minutes away from my first cup yet so it also makes me wistful though.
I spent yesterday reading a blog by a former seminary student turned waiter (sue me, the update hadn’t been posted yet;))…Talk about existential crisis. Nothing can give you the "why are we here’s" like working with the public.
Yay new laptop! Five pounds isn’t so bad. Hope it makes life easier.

Chestnuts roasted by squee4242 @ 03/30/2006 10:46 AM

Hey, Another Matt. I don’t think John Carpenter is directing Halloween: Retribution. According to the imdb link he’s only getting credit for the theme song. Have you heard anything else otherwise?

Chris

Chestnuts roasted by Chris Martin @ 03/30/2006 10:56 AM

They should make a sequel to Halloween III. You can’t ever have enough snakes and bugs and shit crawling out of childrens’ eye-sockets.

Chestnuts roasted by lugnut @ 03/30/2006 11:04 AM

When I was a wee-un, we used to get those huge metal cans of V-8. (I did so love that V-8.) One day when my parents were out I drank an entire can in about 10-15 minutes. My sister was mortified. She told my parents the minute they walked in the door and I got in trouble. Then I think I got sick.

And I’d do it again, too…

Chestnuts roasted by Rhino @ 03/30/2006 11:18 AM

Another one of my moments when I was young was when, over the course of one day, I supposedly ate a whole pound of turkey lunchmeat. I still deny this, but my dad swears by it.

My more recent moments I would say all include chocolate. Chocolate’s my fucking krypotnite.

Chestnuts roasted by Tommy Day @ 03/30/2006 11:37 AM

My Mom worked on Saturdays, and my Dad would sleep untill about 11:30… Me? I was up… ass crack of dawn to watch as many Saturday Morning Cartoons as possible. It was during this time that I had the house, and kitchen all to myself. I usually ate cherios with a small mountain of sugar on top, but sometimes opted for more exotic fare… sometimes soup, sometimes chips and salsa, and one morning, I ate a bowl of melted butter.

Later that day I think I called information trying to get David Hasselhoff’s phone number… but I didn’t know how to spell his last name… not even sure I know how to spell it now… which is probably for the best. That butter sure was good.

By the way Matt, I am totally envious of that mug… that mushroom scepter he is holding is amazing.

Chestnuts roasted by Michael @ 03/30/2006 12:34 PM

When I was a little kid, probably 5 or 6, I wanted a sandwich. I just couldn’t decide… ham? or peanut buttter?

Why not both?

I took one bite and knew why not.

Chestnuts roasted by Randomness @ 03/30/2006 1:05 PM

I ate a whole jar of Black Olives on a whim when my friends were talking about stuff they wish restaurants wouldnt put on a salad. I said I like that stuff, especially the black Olives. That day I made 40 bucks for downing a jar of the Blackies, and drinking the olive water.

Chestnuts roasted by Xenophobe @ 03/30/2006 2:09 PM

"Hey, Kool-Aid!"
*boom*
"Oh, Yeah!"
"Dude, you are so fixing that wall."

Once I ordered a joke item out of a menu at a local burger joint in San Fran. Fortunately, I wasn’t the only one who made that mistake. Damn you, Hippo Hamburger! Damn you and your toilets painted up to look like hippos! (even the underside of the lid and the inside of the bowl. I can rightfully say I peed in the mouth of a hippo.)

Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 03/30/2006 2:30 PM

You would think reading the ingredients on a potted meat can would scare me…try again-you betta believe I’m dancing in the kitchen, poppin open a can to cure the drunknite munchies. It’s even better if ya let it sit on the counter overnight and attempt to spread it on bread the next day-so worth it..potted meat, u so dam sweet, never skip a beat and taste a tad like feet….mmm

Chestnuts roasted by Q @ 03/30/2006 2:34 PM

Lori, as soon as I started reading about stupid food moments that popped into my head. I remember being too small to pour the giant, full gallon of milk, and no one was awake, so I used water instead of milk. God, cherrios with water is awful.

Chestnuts roasted by Y2JB78 @ 03/30/2006 3:08 PM

Powder link broken.
I Couldn’t see Orange Powder.
I cried, so fix it.
…
That wasn’t a haiku so don’t say it was.

Chestnuts roasted by Rutir @ 03/30/2006 4:18 PM

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This entry was posted on Wednesday, March 29th, 2006 at 9:34 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.