X-Entertainment's Christmas Season & Advent Calendar, 2008.

02/20/2006: The REVENGER!

Christmas mornings were usually the pits at our house. It’s an Italian tradition for families to blow their holiday wad on Christmas Eve, having the big get-together then, opening the presents then, and eating all the really good food then. Christmas itself was always sort of depressing. No parties, no nothing. The only shine came from the minute amount of stocking stuffers that my parents would only firmly release on the 25th, and in 1987, I got something that, for whatever reason, seemed like the coolest something I’d ever seen. It was this little electronic keychain that played different weapon-themed sound effects depending on where you hit its one big button. I was in love with it, and when you’re in love with one of your new toys, the first thing on your mind is showing it off to those less fortunate.

So, as was tradition, I marched over to my old best friend’s house, new toy in hand. He lived just across the street, and during my youth, I spent a great deal of Christmasses at his house, because his family was German and they had no fucking clue what to do with Christmas Eve. These holidays were actually more fun that I’ve ever given them credit for. I grew up with two wholly different sets of Christmas traditions: Those of my own family’s, and those of my best friend’s family. Mine had a lot to do with wine and that funky port wine cheese with all the nuts on it. His had a lot to do with “After Eight” dinner mints and 15-person games of Yahtzee. I’ve always felt cultured for having rode two sides of the Yuletide fence.

When I showed my friend and his brothers my hot new keychain, they weren’t impressed. It wasn’t that they acted unimpressed out of some misguided envy; they really weren’t impressed, and they had very good reason to not be impressed. They too had felt the glory of little gizmos that made machine gun sound effects. Only their glory was way bigger. Their mother, who on normal occasions gave presents shittier than the bad kids who died young and ended up spending Christmas in Hell got, finally managed to hit the home run. With my increasingly pathetic keychain in hand, I sweat green as each of them yanked their new reasons for being out from what I still swear was thin air. My best friend and his brothers received a trio of “Revengers.”

The Revenger was amazing. Powered by two “AA” batteries and assumedly a few Norse gods, the little black box burst forth with rapidly spanning LED lights and three magic buttons that provided three magic sounds of destruction. Click here to see and hear the beast in action, and put yourself in the body of a little kid in a world that offered far less electronic intrigue: This thing was all kinds of awesome. The intended novelty purpose was for adults to velcro-stick (velcro stickers included) the box to their dashboards, using it to “blast” any annoying cars in lieu of giving them the finger.

It didn’t take long for me to land my own Revenger, which I’ve kept since forever and still bust out whenever a situation calls for a sound that vaguely maybe possibly sounds like a missile being launched.

It’s funny though. Drawing a comparison with the nephew I most often see: Whenever I see this kid, he’s got a PSP, DS and iPod Nano on him. If it’s going to be a long party, he’ll bring his Gamecube in a big silver briefcase. When the Revenger came out, I didn’t even have a Game Boy. I guess you don’t need things until they’re in the Sunday circulars.

What does a little kid need an iPod for? So he can listen to all his nursery rhymes on-the-go?

Ah, the revenger. Never got that one. The only thing I had for road rage was that fat doll that pulled his pants down and mooned other cars when you squeezed the little pump thing.

I just splurged and got myself my first iPod and I’m past drinkin’ age…kids today have all the luck.

That Revengers cool, but if they ever made a box that actually machine gun-ed and grenade launcher-ed the car in front of you, I’d buy that in a second.

I still am iPod and cell-phone less, which is more than I can say for the kids (9&7) I used to take care of.

My boy cousins always got presents that required batteries and made noise…I’ll take Pound Puppies any day.

I recall having a watch that made these noises. It was shaped like an army tank. It was amazing.

My wife’s dad had one of those and to this day my sister-in-law’s African grey parrot still busts out the grenade launcher every now and then. Really fucking annoying.

While I don’t remember actually owning something of this ilk, the cheesy weapon sounds smack of familiar. Hmmm… Truly a mystery worth solving.

Aren’t devices like those illegal now? After all, if someone hears gunfire while driving they’ll either duck and get into an accident, or shoot you themselves for protection.

I don’t have a IPOD, but I do have a Tracfone. Not bad, but I rarely use it. The last handheld system I got is a Gameboy Color and I haven’t played it in months. In fact, I lost interest in video games awhile ago. Spend more time playing Soitaire on my PC.

I saw one that was a joystick that mounted on the dash. Depending on where you moved the stick and pulled the trigger, you had a variety of sounds. Too bad the sounds didn’t go outside your car. Remember when Hardee’s, I think, had keychains with the GhostBusters logo on them to give out? Now, all I want for my car is a flux capacitor.

Jessica: I’m also without a mobile or MP3 player (both by choice). However, I do have a CD player and a phone in my house.

My questrion to any of you: do car phones still work? I haven’t seen one in ages and I don’t really know the whole concept behind it, but I would expect it’s something like an enormous cell phone that’s mostly hidden deep within the recesses of the vehicle.

Tougi: I saw a guy using a car phone just the over day, he looked like a pimp and he drove a beater of a car.

I also do not have a cell or mp3 or anything like that, cell phones are the root of evilness!!

That revenger thing reminds me of a toy I got when I sold wrapping paper and I could choose stuff out of a catalog. It had like 6 or so buttons and made cool explosion sounds.

Thanks to my cell phone I can surf X-E absolutely anywhere (and I do, believe me). People see me tip tapping on it all the time and always smugly proclaim that they aren’t chained to any electronic devices and that they feel bad for me…I smile and nod and then use my mobile Googlefu to have the last word in every trivia debate that arises, or bust out local movie times, or surf Livejournal or read the latest gossip or whatever my heart desires wherever it desires it. They are the ones who are chained, I tell you! Chained to their desktops and landlines and dictionaries and phone books! The future belongs to GPRS!
More on the topic, one time I flipped a lady the bird and she went craaaaaazy…I’m more careful now.

I would like to hear details of this bird-flippage. I’d also like to know how X-E looks on a cell.

Long story short, he chased me for a while. He tried to block an instersection in front of me, so my friend and I would be forced to get out of the car. It was the dead of night, and after we’d gotten off the highway where the chase started, we were in a really bad part of town. That’s not saying much for Wichita, KS, but my pal and I were about ready to soil ourselves. Lucky for us the idiot didn’t manage to block the whole intersection. I was able to squeeze past with two wheels on the curb, and subsequently lose him.

I also witnessed a road rage accident. A guy who had gotten cut off on the highway zoomed aroung the offender and slammed on his brakes. The guy in back never even tried to slow down, or at least his brake lights never came on. The guy in back rear-ended the guy he’d originally cut off. They both jumped out of their cars, and in my rearview mirror I could see they were both swinging. Normally I’d stop if I saw an accident, but this time I just called the cops when I got to my destination.

Road rage is very real. Unless it’s an old lady driving a car slower than yours, leave your bird at home. It’s unbelievable how angry people can get over a simple gesture.

I have a Nintendo DS. I play it on my absurdly long bus rides to and from work. It’s an hour and a half each way.

I listen to an MP3 player on the bus, and sometimes at work too. It’s NOT an iPod- I think the non-replacable battery in those things is CRAP! The only way I’d EVER consider one is if Apple reversed their policies on replacable batteries. They are also WAY overpriced compared to other products with similar storage capacity that are on the market, although this may have changed since I bought my MP3 player a year and a half ago.

I replaced the battery for $30 a couple months ago, and I didn’t have to send it to the manufacturer. I didn’t have to get a "refurbished" one as a replacement. I didn’t have to perform complicated surgery that invalidated my extended warranty. All I had to do was push a button to open the case. Considering that I completely charged and then almost drained the battery almost every day for 7 or 8 months, and then every other day for 6 or 7 months, I think that $30 is pretty fair for a replacement. Actually, the old battery still works, and I keep it around as a backup in case I forget to put my player on the charger.

Frankly, I’m sick and tired of iPod’s corner on the market. There are so many other superior products out there, but Apple’s gigantic marketing budget has turned most people who don’t bother to research their purchases into iPod zombies. Just wait, I bet people react with fury since I bashed their precious iPod’s. There are better alternatives people!

I’m glad to see I’m not the only one who dislikes cell phones. If you have a job or people you really need to keep in touch with, fine, then you do need a cell phone. For someone like me, who is single and not working in a job that requires getting in touch with people, they’re just a damn inconvience. And IPods…I just don’t need them. I buy what I need.

I kind of doubt most people really give a shit if there’s a slightly superior product out there, considering it’s not a car, it’s an MP3 player.

I have a cel phone, but no one ever calls me anymore. It’s nice though if I see something I need of photo of, I can just take it and email it to myself. Also to order Chinese food on the way home from work.

On the subject of cars, I barely recognize mine in a lot until I see Garfield suctioned to the side. My man has an old vet… I think 79… that he’s trying to turn into the Batmobile. @_@ He once asked me what the fastest I’ve ever driven was, and when I told him 80MPH he laughed and said you’ve never lived to you’ve broken 200 backwards. He was 100% serious about that, too. Crazy Irish bastard.

I still have my REVENGER, it actually came with an attachment to put on your bike handrails. I screwed that on my old bike and would hit the buttons and blow things up. It was great, I’m pretty sure the beast still works.

Okay, this was several years ago but I was driving down the freeway in suburbville and a woman in an SUV cut into the lane behind me and nearly rear-ended me. So I gave her the old middle digit and she started flipping out and went flying onto the shoulder, trying to get me to pull over and have it out with her. Obviously I was not into that and I just kept driving so she followed me to my destination, while I made a frantic cell phone call to my friend (I tried calling the police first, but the call dropped and I was already nearly at my friend’s house). I got to the house, where the whole neighborhood started to gather while this lady got out of her car and started screeching at my about how I shouldn’t have given her the finger because I had no way of knowing that she wasn’t a killer with a shotgun (?) and, additionally, that when I flipped it I also slammed on my brakes (untrue) and caused her kid to go flying out of his chair. Yeah, she had a screaming toddler in the backseat throughout the entire chase and tirade…I think I ended up apologizing just to get her to leave. Since then I’ve been really good about not doing it, because that broad definitely illustrated her point (that you never know what kind of psycho is driving the other car).
As for how X-E looks on the cell, well, the front page doesn’t look so good but the blog reads beautifully. In fact I don’t even see see anything weird when it "breaks" because of long text or open tags. The browser I use (Blazer on a Treo 650) basically lets me see a mini version of whatever page so blogs and regular articles look great, but all the different frames on the front page get all mixed up. Also, the mantis shrimp come out so teeny teeny tiny and adorable you wouldn’t even believe it.

Aw, the blog won’t load on my celly. Main page loads, looks kinda funny, but can’t even get on the blog.

I have had many family Christmas parties on a Christmas Eve, and it’s not that big a deal to ME. Although maybe it’s because we always save something for the stocking the next day.

Ahhh, the revenger - you never fail to amaze me, Matt. I actually had one of these rigged up in my first car. They also used to sell individual triggers (smoke screen, missle launcher, etc). At one point, I must have had 15 different switches up there (in hindsight, maybe not the best way to attract the ladies…)
We decked out the entire dashboard and even mounted a Vectrex joypad in the glovebox so the passenger could demonstrate their wrath…
Then we made our own Revenger - we set up the reverse lights to their own switch & when someone would tailgate us, I’d tap the brakes and flip on the reverse lights. You never saw cars move out of the way more quickly…

All my friends had revengers, but I had this fancy schmancy little tape recorder that featured a beefed up version of what the Revenger did. Eight buttons. Besides machine gun, death ray & grenade launcher, there was also a rocket launcher, alarm, fighter plane, & two signal scanning sounds. Unfortunately, if I didn’t have it plugged in, it’d eat D-batteries for breakfast.

Never had a Revenger, but I did have about 9000 of those laser guns that made the same noises. The kind your Grandmother would buy you at Walgreens only to have "disappear" within 2 days of your going home. I guess parents can only listen to screaming and machine guns for so long before they turn into common thieves. Good article, but that video makes me feel funny. What’s with the stick? Was your finger embarassingly kool-aid stained?

I had a Revenger. Mounted it on my bike handle, so that while riding, you could hit the button and blow away everyone else with machine gun fire or wahtever.

Dude you fucking rock. When I saw that picture and heard those sounds….I remembered. Like a cheesy 80’s wavvy flashback, I remembered that box. A friend had it. Who? Who fucking knows.

I just know that someone I knew had this object, I wanted it, and I never got it or got to play with his.

Thanks for fishing this little nugget out of my brain Matt. Because with the help of our Lord eBay, I have now won a mint condition REVENGER!!!

You thought I was annoying before? Well whatcha gonna do brother when the Revenger runs wild on youuuu!?

squee4242: Did you seriously mention LiveJournal as a defense for cell phones? I’ve just never been out in some public place and felt the need to check up on bad, angsty-teen poetry, learn why someone’s parents don’t understand them as much as their girlfriend does, or see teeny-tiny pictures of a washed-out faced accented by boxy glasses. Actually, I’ve never felt that desire when by a computer.

Unrelated - it just occurred to me that the machine gun sound is exactly the same sound that is made when you press the red button on the machine gun accessory that came with what I believe was the only G.I. Joe figure I ever owned. I don’t remember being too wild about the G.I., but that machine gun was darned neat.

Matt, you forgot to push two buttons of the Revenger at the same time, thus giving you an added bonus fourth sound effect that also sounded like some sort of messed up death ray or laser. I think it only worked when you combined the machine gun with the death ray. I also had the keychain, and may still even have it stuck in a drawer somewhere…

That grenade was obviously a sound bite from the Atari 2600 Missle Command cart. On a side note, I worked Landscaping for a few summers and on the beater workvan we drove around in, there was a "turbo" button on the dash that either sounded like an electronic F-16 or background cassette tape hiss, alternatively.

Didn’t they make novelty keychains that when you push the buttons curse out the people nearby?

I had one of those keychain effect toys in elementry school, it was about the fourth grade.. and playing the machine gun sound while standing in line at the ‘county jail tour’ (is it just me or did all country towns make you tour the county jail as if it were ’scared straight’..)

Anyhow, the teacher takes it away from me, keys and all. I was a latchkey kid so i needed those keys. Rather than ask for them back, I returned home after the field trip on the bus and sat on the front porch for about 2 1/2 hours. Father gets off work and asks me why i lost ‘my g-damn keys’. Explained that the teacher took them from me.. needless to say he called in a fit and fury and the next day I got my keys back, sound effects and all.

On a side note, why is it that all old ladies have the quintessensial ‘Old Lady Afro’?

I had a revenger as well as a full compliment of useless gizmos all for nerd approved fun from Radio Shack.. talking clock, metal detector, microcassette recorder,CB Radio,lame remote control car, and dare I forget the line following mini robot. I went into Radio Shack recently.. Not one gizmo in the place. Wall to wall cell phones and small televisions. Brings a tear to my eye.

Oh, but I remember the Revenger well. I was in the third grade, at parochial school, and my class came up with the brilliant idea of arming ourselves (all 28 kids) with either the full-blown Revenger or the keychain version for one out bi-monthly music classes with Sister Letitia. Sister Letitia was legion in our school for beating my next door neighbor bloody with a music book because someone had torn a page out of it, amongst other deads of traditional Catholic School disciplinary abuse. 28 kids with these things. After our class, she spend a good month at a retreat house in Cape May, we drove her so nuts. She’d go after one kid, and someone else would kit a button. She was flying around the room. Funnier than all get-out.

As for the happiest day of my life … I think it might be the day I graduated from college, but I was kinda drunk (okay, really drunk) so I don’t know. So I’m gonna go with the day I quit my job at the law firm I’d started working at right after college. I was 24 and burnt to a toasty crisp. Yikes. Sure, I was broke as hell for a couple of months until I got a new job, but it felt great to tell my cooze boss to go do something anatomically impossible and quit. If you ever get to quit a job in a state of high dudgeon, I highly recommend it. Very empowering.

Hardee’s did indeed give away little red keychains with two sound effect buttons on them. They were not for Ghostbusters, however, but rather Ghostbusters 2 and thus had the slightly different logo used for the film.

I owned this Revenger thing and had it on the dash of my car for more than a year. The velcro thing that stuck to the dashboard fused itself at the molecular level and wouldn’t come off short of a chisel and hammer.

I borrowed a friend’s van today to pick up a piece of furniture, and perched on the dashboard was…. The Revenger! I’d never seen one before. I MUST HAVE ONE! Or rather, my husband must have one. I will not rest until I get one. E-Bay, here I come!

Does anyone know where I can get one of these things? Will pay above market price for my boss. He is trying to find one. Couldn’t find it on ebay or anywhere else. colin_patrick@hotmail.com

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This entry was posted on Monday, February 20th, 2006 at 2:16 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.