In what's by far the strangest event since the resurgence of the Ninja Toitles began, giant-sized action figures are being packaged with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III DVDs in neat windows boxes, sold at the radical discount rate of 13.99. There really aren't any good explanations for this, and every time I look at it, fifty more questions pop in my head and make my head go all ninja hurtles. The film came out in 1993; TMNT's current crop of fans (we do not count) can't possibly share its age demo. Even so, TMNT III is nothing for anyone with a vested interest in the current franchise to be proud of, and I can't imagine any bigwigs at Playmates sitting around giant oak tables shaped like miniature golf courses saying, "A good way to make today's kids love today's Turtles is by showing them the single most critically shat-upon aspect of yesterday's Turtles." Only they wouldn't say it like that. They'd say it more dumberly.

Being one of the fortunate losers who can say that they enjoy both Old Turtles and New Turtles, this mashing of eras serves me big plates of delight that figuratively taste like awesome Cool Whip. I've always tried to keep my nerd level in check when it comes to not opening things that would look better opened because they'll be worth trillions of bling clams someday, but no, you absolutely CANNOT open this set, because the sum is worth a hundred times more than its parts. The figure is cool, but there's a million of them, and the DVD is kind of cool, but you can buy it from any gas station with a TigerMart for 2.99. Only together are their strengths fully realized. Only together can they be worth writing about at 11:30 on a Tuesday night.

Some attempt was made to make sense of the madness. It's the "Movie Action Set," including a "Mutant Movie Star" -- a "Box Office Brawler." I am so close to meaning it when I say I'm cracking up right now. And now that I've noticed the movie popcorn graphics all over the box, I really do mean it. This one's for the books. The tubular books.