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Matchbox Coal Cars, Pound Puppies & More X-Mas Crap.

EDIT: Tummi's 2005 Christmas Jukebox is now active!

It's Saturday! One week till Christmas Eve!

It's been a weird holiday season. Actually, it's kind of not been a holiday season. I've never been so busy in my life, and I really didn't notice just how busy I was until December rolled around and I didn't even have time to decorate -- we still haven't. Sure, we probably wouldn't have anyway as we're moving into a new apartment soon, but man, I'm so not used to not tripping over stands of Christmas lights as I head over to a table full of ceramic wind-ups. The woman is just as much of a Christmas nut as I am -- it's something I take credit for -- and we've just kinda consigned ourselves to having a crappy Christmas season knowing that our new place will afford us the chance to go absolutely batshit with the decorations next year.

2005 Stocking Stuffer: Pound Puppies! Pound Puppies are back. They look a little different and their intestines are now full of machine parts that let them do tricks, but they're back, dammit. It's with some shame that I admit to have long ago adopted a Pound Puppy and treated it as all the icky girls at school treated their Cabbage Patch Kids. These new Christmasized Pound Puppy stocking stuffers, complete with loopy strings that enable you to turn 'em into tree decorations, look more like the Pound Puppies of old than anything else currently on the market.

And now! The big list of what I'm getting everyone in my huge family for Christmas...

Niece #1: Artsy clay kit stuff. Not purchased yet.
Nephew #1: Zoo Tycoon, or whatever it's called, for Nintendo DS.
Nephew #2: One of those Playstation 2 gift packs that features six obsolete games in a big nice box for twenty bucks. He won't shit himself over the games, but he'll shit himself over getting six at once, assuming he doesn't own 'em all already.
Nephew #3: Some LEGO junk. Not purchased yet.
Niece #2: Shit, just realized that I totally glossed over this niece. Nothing yet.
Niece #3: Anchorman and Hairspray on DVD. Don't ask.
Nephew #4: Animal Crossing, whatever the new one is called, for Nintendo DS.
Niece #4: Pegasus Barbie doll and a set of miniature Pegasus Barbie horse figures.
Nephew #5: He's my godson, so he gets the big one -- one of those remote controlled Hummers that's basically the size of a real Hummer.
Niece #5: My Little Pony Butterfly Island playset.
Niece #6: Pound Puppies electronic dog. I dunno, it spins and walks and stuff.
Niece #7: Furby!

Because I have so many nieces and nephews, my siblings made the rule years ago that we should only get their kids presents. One of my brothers doesn't have any, so he wins his own -- an Atari Flashback 2 system, which I also own and strongly recommend, not because the Atari games have aged well, but because the thing just looks so damn cool. Still have a few more to go, and I can't mention certain other gifts here because of PRYING MANTIS EYES, but it's a typically expensive holiday season. This list doesn't factor in the other dozen gifts we have to get for the woman's side.

2005 Stocking Stuffer: Coal Cars! From Matchbox comes the year's coolest stocking stuffer -- a package containing two lumps of plastic coal that split apart to reveal hidden Matchbox cars! Too few companies have brought the mythology of stocking coal into the limelight. We've had to spend the past decade living off the fumes from "Santa's Coal" bubble gum sacks, which were adequate but not nearly as able to make people love coal as these babies are. Love 'em to death. The split-apart coal pieces are more fun than the cars, and will double nicely as change purses for all who aren't afraid to try new things. Best of all are all the graphics of a tricky Santa Claus on the package, winking and shushing his way into our hearts like only he can. Good going, Matchbox. You've learned how to rock.

This space doubles as your Saturday Night Christmas Thread.

REMINDING EDIT: Tummi's 2005 Christmas Jukebox is now active!

Posted by Matt on 12/17/2005. E-mail me!



Discussion Thread: 120 comments

"Christmas Shoes" was playing while I was working last week and a customer literally started crying. Then said she loved the song, but it always made her cry.

My personal cheesy favorite is the one about the two "old lovers" who meet in the grocery store and then go drink beer in a car. Who’s with me?

Chestnuts roasted by kb @ 12/19/2005 3:35 PM

i kind of like that one, but it IS pure cheese, i admit.

but yeah, i used to work with a lady that loved the "christmas shoes" (they made a whole movie out of that shit) and she also loved that "i can only imagine" song that played for awhile (non-christmas) about meeting jesus. same kind of people that like cheesy chain emails, i bet.

what about josh groban songs? they all seem to be about someone he knew that is now dead. in the tune of bad opera music.

Chestnuts roasted by schroeder @ 12/19/2005 3:44 PM

I can’t listen to Happy Christmas on the juke box because of the video to it. Well I can listen to it because it’s John Lennon but I’m sure as fuck not thinking about Santa Clause while I am.

Chestnuts roasted by dohopoki @ 12/19/2005 3:49 PM

And now, a religious reading to bring you Holy-day cheer, *ahem!* Lights, please?

"Beware the beast man, for he is the Devil’s pawn. Alone among God’s primates, he kills for sport or lust or greed. Yea, he will murder his brother to possess his brother’s land. Let him not breed in great numbers, for he will make a desert of his home and yours. Shun him, for he is the harbinger of death."

And that’s what Christmas is all about, Dr. Zaius.

Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 12/19/2005 4:04 PM

makes "christmas shoes" not seem so bad now, doesnt it.

Chestnuts roasted by schroeder @ 12/19/2005 4:27 PM

Big ups on the Atari Flashback 2, Matt! I got one for my brother, as well. He’s been going through rough times, so he called me when the package arrived in the mail, and I didn’t have the heart to make him wait another week to open it. He almost shit himself. I hope your brother enjoys his, too!

Chestnuts roasted by ZiZak @ 12/19/2005 4:32 PM

I’ll be getting myself the Flashback 2.0 soon, after Holiday Shopping Smackdown is over and done with. I got to try one recently at a store, and it is lightyears better than the first one. This is not only bit for bit perfect, but it has an undocumented feature: It can be hacked so you can wire-in a 2600-style cartridge port. Look it up, there are sites with instructions.

Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 12/19/2005 4:48 PM

SANTA II: IT’S TIME TO PASS THE TORCH, SANTA! PASS THE GOD DAMNED TORCH!

The greatest line ever written, anywhere, for anything.

Chestnuts roasted by Hellpop! @ 12/19/2005 5:38 PM

Flashback Main Menu
Player 1 joystick

Up 1
Down 9
Up 7
Down 2

Have your paddle controllers handy.

Chestnuts roasted by Santa's elf in charge of retro gaming. @ 12/19/2005 5:44 PM

Hmmm..all the wind taken out of the sails of the story line at once…or is it??? Fascinating Matt…what have you planned??

And what is Waiterbot’s toy head from anyway?

Chestnuts roasted by Terror Claws Cole @ 12/19/2005 6:22 PM

I absolutely cannot STAND that song about the people meeting in the grocery store. Why would anyone laugh until they cried over spilling their purse? I’d grumble under my breath and pick the shit up.

I LOVE "Do They Know It’s Christmas" though, largely because it prominently features both Boy George and George Michael, and since I have arguably the gayest musical taste in history, I am absolutely thrilled by that. I always associated the song more with fruity British pop stars than with starving Africans.

I also get all giddy when I hear the Muppet version of the 12 days of Christmas, especially when it gets to Bunson and Beaker.

"On the 9th day of Christmas…" "MEE MEE MEE MEE MEE MEE!"

Chestnuts roasted by jazzy @ 12/19/2005 6:40 PM

I feel the same way about ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas’. The 2004 version sucks a duck, though.

Doug and Bob McKenzie’s ’12 Days of Christmas’ is another favorite of mine.

Chestnuts roasted by MrsDanFielding @ 12/19/2005 6:45 PM

Jazzy–I asked my parents for DDR Mario Mix. Not sure if I’m getting it, but I saw a box that is about the right size wrapped upstairs. I am not clever enough to move the box ever so slightly to see the name tag, but I think that it is the game. If not, its ok. I have another dance mat game already.

I graduated from college yesterday (B.A. in Communications). Bad thing–my name was the ONLY name mispronounced out of just over 600 graduates. Its not hard (Allison Lynn Venezio–Va-knee-zee-oh). My mom says the woman BARELY said my first name right? WTF?! There were Indian, Chinese, and other extremely ethnic names, and MY Italian last name was wrongly pronounced. My family was furious that their daughter was the only mispronounced name. I’m proud of my Italian heritage, but my last name should NEVER have been said wrong!

Now, I can dazzle people with stories about "Arbitron" and "Nielsen," and the "Sender-Receiver Model." I’m leaving my job on Friday b/c I just don’t like it anymore, and I am attempting to find a job in my major. I’ve been on two interviews so far–and I’l know where I stand the first week of January. :-)

Chestnuts roasted by Allison @ 12/19/2005 7:44 PM

Folgers isn’t trying anymore–they keep showing the ad where "Peter" comes home from college and makes coffee. I hate to break it to the people at Folgers, but "Peter" is probably 40 years old now, and somewhere, he’s pissed that he’s not getting royalties just for coming home from college. Honestly, the ad is from at least 17-20 years old. Show a new ad already!

Chestnuts roasted by Allison @ 12/19/2005 7:48 PM

Allison,

Good luck with that Communications degree. I graduated, like, 3 & 1/2 years ago with that very same degree and I’m still looking for work.

Maybe Mr. Nickelodeon (Matt) can hook us up. A guy can dream…

Chestnuts roasted by Rhino @ 12/19/2005 8:16 PM

I just watched some old Pee-Wee episodes and then caught up on the advent. It’s an odd thing to see two cows in one day who make "moo" puns, but it’s so classy, all the same.

Hmm. That reminds me of a story…
One day my mom heard on the radio – wait, maybe she read it in the paper. I don’t remember which. Okay, regardless, one day my mom heard/read that people see a cow every day, whether on TV, or outside, or burned onto a tortilla, or something. Well, feeling even more contrary than Mary (of gardening fame), she vowed that she would see no cows that day. Then a cow walked into the house.

Actually, that’s a lie. It was a guy in a cow costume. It was some friend of my sister’s then-boyfriend who let himself in, but then again, who’s going to stand in the way of a guy in a cow costume? Certainly not I. There wasn’t any real reason he was wearing it. I think the world needs more folks who will throw convention to the wind and dress as cows.
Oh, geez, now I sound like one of those freaks who are into anthropomorphic animal costumes. Okay, let me break this down a bit: I do like cows. I do not LIKE like cows. That got gross pretty quickly.

On an unrelated note, Allison, did you seriously say that people had "extremely ethnic names?"

Chestnuts roasted by Tougi @ 12/19/2005 10:15 PM

I’ve never seen a legoman look as footloose and fancy-free as Kuse does today.

Chestnuts roasted by Katherine @ 12/19/2005 11:08 PM

And what is Waiterbot’s toy head from anyway?

They’re Utroms from the new TMNT line. It’s the same species of aliens that Krang is from, only he looked much cooler. And I’ve only watched the show, but these Utroms were actually good!

Chestnuts roasted by Invader Norbert @ 12/20/2005 1:50 AM

Does anyone else imagine Waiterbot saying in Krang’s voice "Where’s My new BODY?"

Chestnuts roasted by Cameron T. @ 12/20/2005 1:58 AM

Sorry for the double post, but I just wanted to comment that Little Debbie Christmas Tree cakes are perhaps my favorite Christmas food…moreso even than candy canes. I go through BOXES every year, and I horde boxes so I have some to eat for a long time..

Chestnuts roasted by Cameron T. @ 12/20/2005 2:17 AM

Perhaps I’m mistaken, but doesn’t the little girl in the Lil’ Debbies commercial look a helluva lot like Sarah Michelle Geller? Naw prob not….but, maybe?

Chestnuts roasted by bloodybrilliantme @ 12/20/2005 6:50 AM

I agree with Cameron T. If I had to make an Amazon wishlist, I would have nothing but Christmas Tree Cakes on that list. Their bastard cousins, Easter Basket Cakes, are okay too, but only the Christmas Trees have the crunchy sprinkles.

Chestnuts roasted by mtrox @ 12/20/2005 6:51 AM

What I meant Tougi, was that there were names that were more likely to have been pronounced wrong than mine. They were mostly Asian names–longer and much harder to pronounce than an Italian name. Maybe "extremely ethnic" wasn’t a great use of terms, but still, I think some last name with 17 letters in it is much harder to pronounce than a 7-letter last name. She really didn’t even say my first name right! Is Allison that hard to say?!

Chestnuts roasted by Allison @ 12/20/2005 8:25 AM

Alli… Aaaaa.a… Alliz…

Yes, it is!

Ok, not really. Congrats on graduating, sorry about the name thing. I’ll try harder next time.

Chestnuts roasted by ZiZak @ 12/20/2005 9:02 AM

Allison, it could always be worse. I went to a pretty small high school; my graduating class was just under 200 people and everyone knew everyone because we’d all been going to school together forever. So you’d think our principal, who was reading our names as we went across the stage, would know who we were, or at least be able to read. Nope. 2 guys got turned into girls. Heath R. became "Heather" and Errick A. became "Erica." I never laughed so hard in my life.

At my college graduation, our speaker chose that time to spout off against Bush and the war in Iraq, obviously not realizing he was in a very Republican county and that most of the people who went to my college were local. Yeah. There was almost a riot. Good times.

Chestnuts roasted by Nicole @ 12/20/2005 9:13 AM

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This entry was posted on Saturday, December 17th, 2005 at 8:38 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.