As a rule, I never resist holiday-themed junk food. Even if I have no intention of ever eating it, it doesn’t take more than a few crude snowflake graphics to make me a part of a foodstuff conglomerate’s bottom line. When I saw a bag of Cheetos fashioned in an uncharacteristic snowy white, it went into my wagon without hesitation or a second glance. Actually, I did glance again, and noticed Chester Cheetah skiing like a motherfucker, which only confirmed that this was in fact some kind of special holiday release that needed to be bought, bronzed and blessed.
I continued shopping, and it wasn’t until I started putting all of my crud on one of those funky conveyor belts at the checkout line did I realize just how far Chester planned to take his Christmas cheer. Normally, holiday-themed junk food goes as far as the packaging only. I fully expected these to be regular Cheetos in a different bag. Then I saw it: The tongue. That disheartening image of Chester Cheetah sticking out a green tongue. It would be an odd graphic to include without any good reason, so I inspected further. My findings: These were not “regular” Cheetos at all. Nmm nmm. These Cheetos were drenched in magic and capable of turning the tongues of all who eat them “Holiday Green!” Hell yes. If there weren’t so many mean sweaty people waiting on line behind me, I would’ve gaily skipped back to Aisle 6 and picked up an extra bag.
It’s not a new gimmick, unfortunately. Cheetos came with the green-tongue powers back when people still held out hope that Revenge of the Sith was going to justify the Star Wars prequels. It probably didn’t, but at least we got Cheetos capable of turning our tongues “Yoda Green.” Better yet, other bags let kids and me turn our tongues “Vader Dark.” Going back even further, Cheetos did the same promotion for Shrek 2. So, the Christmas version isn’t exactly big news, but we’re going to pretend it is for the sake of the story.
I can only guess how the magic works, but I think my guess is as good as any. Grain-sized pebbles of hard food coloring specks are ceremoniously mixed into the big bad vats of whatever Cheetos are made with, and when moisture is added — like, from your tongue — the tiny pebbles explode into wild wet wonder, turning everything they touch a bluish green. By dropping a few Cheetos in water and letting it sit for a bit, you’re left with a terrible sight, but one that proves just how powerful Christmas wizardry can be. The stuff makes your entire mouth area look absolutely wretched. Kids who eat these as their post-sandwich dessert at school aren’t going to win many dates or scene points.
Posted by Matt. E-mail me!
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Nothing funnier than a cat licking a green-tounge Cheeto. "Fluffy’s turning into a Chow-dog!"