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12/17/2005: Holiday Cheetos turn your tongue green!

As a rule, I never resist holiday-themed junk food. Even if I have no intention of ever eating it, it doesn’t take more than a few crude snowflake graphics to make me a part of a foodstuff conglomerate’s bottom line. When I saw a bag of Cheetos fashioned in an uncharacteristic snowy white, it went into my wagon without hesitation or a second glance. Actually, I did glance again, and noticed Chester Cheetah skiing like a motherfucker, which only confirmed that this was in fact some kind of special holiday release that needed to be bought, bronzed and blessed.

I continued shopping, and it wasn’t until I started putting all of my crud on one of those funky conveyor belts at the checkout line did I realize just how far Chester planned to take his Christmas cheer. Normally, holiday-themed junk food goes as far as the packaging only. I fully expected these to be regular Cheetos in a different bag. Then I saw it: The tongue. That disheartening image of Chester Cheetah sticking out a green tongue. It would be an odd graphic to include without any good reason, so I inspected further. My findings: These were not “regular” Cheetos at all. Nmm nmm. These Cheetos were drenched in magic and capable of turning the tongues of all who eat them “Holiday Green!” Hell yes. If there weren’t so many mean sweaty people waiting on line behind me, I would’ve gaily skipped back to Aisle 6 and picked up an extra bag.

It’s not a new gimmick, unfortunately. Cheetos came with the green-tongue powers back when people still held out hope that Revenge of the Sith was going to justify the Star Wars prequels. It probably didn’t, but at least we got Cheetos capable of turning our tongues “Yoda Green.” Better yet, other bags let kids and me turn our tongues “Vader Dark.” Going back even further, Cheetos did the same promotion for Shrek 2. So, the Christmas version isn’t exactly big news, but we’re going to pretend it is for the sake of the story.

I can only guess how the magic works, but I think my guess is as good as any. Grain-sized pebbles of hard food coloring specks are ceremoniously mixed into the big bad vats of whatever Cheetos are made with, and when moisture is added — like, from your tongue — the tiny pebbles explode into wild wet wonder, turning everything they touch a bluish green. By dropping a few Cheetos in water and letting it sit for a bit, you’re left with a terrible sight, but one that proves just how powerful Christmas wizardry can be. The stuff makes your entire mouth area look absolutely wretched. Kids who eat these as their post-sandwich dessert at school aren’t going to win many dates or scene points.

Nothing funnier than a cat licking a green-tounge Cheeto. "Fluffy’s turning into a Chow-dog!"

That’s one thing I miss about this year’s X-E–no Christmas food entries! I wouldn’t have thought of it, except the Advent Calendar’s flashback of Mare/MB’s Mista Snowman torture made me relive Holiday Kid Cuisine.

Well, we did get the Jones Holiday soda pack and Christmas candies back in November, so I guess it’s all good…still I pine for my processed Christmas food entries.

Good show Matt. I do love me some Cheetos. And I’m already married, so I don’t have to worry about impressing the ladies with mouthy-goodness. Rock-rock-on!

Ever notice how depressing all the holiday-themed packaging becomes at midnight on Dec 25th? Sad, really…

Green tongue, great shit. I suppose it is kinda Christmassy. I love the advent calender this year Matt. Keep the hilarity rolling.

I posted mere hours ago, but I never miss a chance to get so high, in a non-drug-related sense.

And to the people who missed it the first time, I have provided a link to my Amazon Wishlist, just click on my name!

I still want to know why Mare Winnginham is the embodiment of Xmas good/evil/power/what have you.

the multi-headed Lego man made me laugh harder than I probably should have. it had a great reveal, though.

Aaaand, didn’t they miss an opportunity here? I mean, why not make them red *and* green, huh? Surely it wouldn’t take much more than an extra splash of the ol’ FD&C Red to turn the orange a little redder, then it would be festive Cheeto madness!

Looking at that picture makes me really NOT want to eat them, even thought I know they will turn my tongue green. Cheetos are one of those things I like to eat when I’m drunk anyway, dunno why. I like to get the Puffs and shove them in front of my teeth, like a little puffy cheddar mouth guard. And yes, I acknowldge and embrace the fact that I am strange.

Mare Winningham is our Xmas icon because all Playmobil figures resemble her… whether it be the original blonde Mare, the brunette Mare, Claire, Mega Mare or the more masculine Mark.

Only a few advent people have had the misfortune of being non-Winningham. Among them are Mysterious Boy and Jim (sweater guy who plays tennis). Sure, they probably could’ve passed for Winninghams but that was not their fate.

I’m sorry but I must disagree with Matt and lots of people by saying I think the BK King ads of today are incredibly not-funny. I’d probably like them more if it was a real actor and not a big shiny plastic head.

The best part about today’s BK ads is the "Where is your God now?" pic that has resulted from it.

I became an uncle today. My niece Daphne Olivia Parker weighed in at 8 lbs 5 oz. Mommy and baby are doing fine.

I love that commercial that’s like "Eggnormous… MEATNORMOUS… CHEEEEESENORMOUS!", mostly for providing me with the word "meatnormous", which I try to incorporate into everyday conversation as frequently as possible.

Ok so I was actually post #21, which is fair enough since the topic of #20 was far more important.

I must say that that BK ad makes me think of how hilarious it is to see commercials with actors playing workers for the advertising store and being all like "Here at McDonald’s/Wal-Mart/Target/Burger King, we’re happy to help you." And they look like they’re happy too. You never see a real McDonald’s or Target worker who’s happy to be there. I luckily avoided such jobs, but I’ve friend who’ve worked them. And when they were working at such jobs, I never heard the end of their complaints about what they had to put up with. Although thesecomplaints could be annoying, they made me all the more glad that I didn’t work in such shitholes.

Little Brother worked at McD’s, and he had fun. But he passed on a promotion to shift manager, because then he would be responsible for other people’s butt-headery. But during the late 90’s, if you placed an order at a McDonald’s drive-thru in Lawrence, KS and were asked if you wanted butter with your fries, that was him. We both believe in Random Acts of Randomness.

Y’know..it’s sad. I haven’t even got a tree yet. I haven’t found the christmas tapes. If it weren’t for X-E, this could be any other time of the year. *melodramatic sigh*

My friends have an interesting hobby of sorts. Anytime they have access to those nasty-looking (and likely nasty-tasting, but I’ve never touched ‘emm so I’m not the one to ask) Spicy Cheetos or whatever they’re called, they tell people that they’re Cherry Cheetos. ("What? You’ve never had Cherry Cheetos? You HAVE to try them!") This wouldn’t be remotely interesting if people didn’t actually believe them.
The human race always manages to amaze me in new ways.

haven’t you heard? green tongues are the new girl pants - you’d never lose scene points for it!

Oddly enough, considering I work in a grocery store, I haven’t seen those yet or saw anyone buy them. I have seen Christmas Crunch, Winter Lucky Charms, and Herrs Potato Chips bags with Christmas decor, among other things.

Oh, and I’m providing my wish list, too. Just click on my name to see some things I actually hope will turn up under the tree for me this year…and some things I just NEED.

No matter what color Cheetos can change your tongue to, none of it can compare to the Cheetos Paws. It had that wonderful black hole of flavor in the middle, sucking in the cheese to maximum taste-osity.

I think he means wagon as in shopping cart. You know, buggy, the silver buffalo, housing for hobos.

Well, I figured that was what he meant, but I’d only heard shopping cart (which I grew up with in the midwest) and "buggy" (which I learned here in the south and continue to ignore and replace with "cart/shopping cart" wherever possible)

I don’t care if I moved to the south for the rest of my life I refuse to call a shopping cart a buggy.

Hope the transit strike doesn’t effect Matt too much. At least he can eat a few bags of Christmas Cheetos while walking twelve blocks to work.

Ah! Good for him.

I managed to save a weeks worth of vacation time, so added in with Monday the office is out I get off from 1pm this Thursday till 9am Jan 3.

Okay, so my opinion of what those Cheetos-in-a-glass look like: when my aunt was up visiting recently from FL, she bought us some of this weird blue alcoholic drink called Hynotiq or something pretentious like that. It was pretty much exactly the same hue as that Cheetos water. Except this one looks like someone threw up in it and then placed a Cheeto on top. Ewie ew ew.

Matt, the Lego head guy thing made me laugh out loud, which is not a good thing to do when you’re in a quiet office environment and supposed to be working. Whoopsies!

I had some of those nasty Cheetos. The worst part was my finger tips turned blue/green too.

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This entry was posted on Saturday, December 17th, 2005 at 2:20 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.