The clothing situation had hit the point of no return, with me literally regurgitating the two sweaters I own every other day of the week, keeping them clean and tidy but nonetheless confident that I've been building a solid reputation as a skeezer. This was the Day of Remedy. Because of my severe shopping phobia, I insisted that the woman stay home as I trekked over to the Woodbridge Mall in Jersey to take care of business. Otherwise, I'd use her as my social crutch, only comfortable browsing my wearables while she helped pick them out, and that never works. I felt like I was marching off to war. Pull up, park, smoke a cigarette with more dramatic drags than even before, and finally head on in. I am now the proud owner of seventeen different sweaters that all look the same, and five new pairs of jeans that also all look the same. But at least now I can get Dorito dust all over myself without having it become an international incident.

It's becoming more and more impossible to not love Jones Soda. The company recently introduced their own line of lip balms patterned after some of their most notable soft drinks, including what you see above: Turkey & Gravy. To be honest, it's more disgusting in theory than practice, as on a test, the stuff tasted more like "nothing" than "turkey." Then again, I didn't really get all up in there like I do with cherry-flavored Chapstick. I eat those fuckers like grapes. The balm itself is virtually colorless, unless we're assuming that they were going for the look of "white meat" and not "turkey skin." If you're a vege, there's plenty of fruit flavors available as well -- check out Jones'ss's lip balm site for details.

R.I.P., Eddy.