Hiya Matt! So, what’s up, lovely X-E’rs?

Let’s start with the Teletubbies. These 4 retarded blow-up dolls from england seem to do absolutely nothing all day but squeal in childish delight and worship that creepy Baby Sun Thing. Their names alone give the intention that something is up: Laa Laa, Po, Tinky Winky, and Dispy. Laa Laa is the one that seems to have the most normal name, if not named for a nonsense happiness sound one makes after drinking a can of paint thinner. Po, which actually sounds more normal, but I, for one think it’s named after its hero, Roman Polanski, which would explain its love towards children and that Baby Sun. Dispy…Total Drunk, let’s move on. Tinky Winky…I’ve seen him, and that’s the biggest lie I’ve ever heard for a name since the Neverending Story. He’s also the token gay gay…with his Avon Purse filled with goodies and god knows what kind of perverted toys s/he’s got in there. I can see why Jerry Falwell was so adamant on calling him out. I bet inside that bio-dome they live in, they hold orgies involving lots of Tomato Soup and Extension Cords and all the other stuff from Tinky-Winky’s "Bag," which would help explain the use of those antennae on top of their heads.

And then there’s their follow-up series: Boo-Bah. 3 words: Total Acid Trip. When I first came across these guys in a flash game online, I thought it was the funniest yet bizarre thing I’ve seen on the internet, and couldn’t think they’d get any creepier than that…until I saw their tv show about a year later. The only thing that all 5 of those…things do all day is run around in their rainbow world and Fart and listen to Iron Butterfly-esque music ’cause PBS doesn’t like paying licensing fees on a 17 minute song from the 60s. Those things look like walking, farting blotches of Cotton Candy, yet if you would ingest them, they would probably taste like stale marshmallows, but you would probably get chloride poisoning and die of cottonmouth.

Here’s a good one: Lazytown. It’s this show on Nickelodeon that is about a town caled…Lazytown that is protected by a Superhero named Sportacus who’s superpowers include physical fitness, good hygiene, and a handlebar mustache that rivals one of those film villains from those old timey 20′s era silent movies. The message that you shouldn’t sit around all day and go outside and live your life isn’t what bothers me; it’s those muppets that are used in the show, which takes up all but 3 members of the cast. I know I’m 18 years old and familiar with just about ever muppet ever made, but THOSE certain puppets are so freaking life-like, they are the only ones of their kind to actually scare the hell out of me. Maybe it’s because they seem to be made out of foam rubber rather than hard plastic and felt, or maybe its because one of them jumped out of my tv one day and stabbed my cat. It’s probably the material they’re made of.

I nearly forgot one of the biggest current tokers: The Wiggles. These 4 ugly bastards are obviously crackheads, how else do they drive a "Big Red Car" and sing all those idiotic songs and do those "dances," which really aren’t dances, they’re only fidgeting because they’re going through withdrawls while the guy in the Octopus suit is singing about Tuna Suitcases or something. But the gayest one out of all of them is Captain Feathersword. I really don’t need to explain that guy, except he is a "pirate," has a feather for a sword, and tickles his enemies with it while asking for a date to the Ice Capades, or whatever Australia has down there, and if he ever saw someone with a real sword, he’d be dead in 2 seconds flat.

And then I got around to thinking of the stuff I watched when I was younger.

Like Blue’s Clues. That guy, Steve: Pothead. He’s so high, he looks around his house for "blue pawprints" and doesn’t even have a sense of direction, and those offscreen kids need to yell at him to do anything worthwhile. How else can you explain his freakish looking dog? Or the fact that she makes him solves mysteries for him for no reason at all. They’re not even good mysteries, like "Who murdered Mr Boddy?" or "How did bananas get on the ceiling?" It’s always something like "I’m hungry, feed me this" or "I wanna know who the Dish ran away with…that cheating hussy." And what about the fact that Steve thinks he can talk to inanimate objects, like the salt & pepper shaker, who can somehow reproduce Paprika and Cinnamon. Now THERE’S a good example of proof of evolution if I ever saw one. I’ve tried talking to my salt shaker once, and it didn’t tell me a good recipe for French Peach Cobbler, no sir! All it did was make this liquid in my throat taste salty…

How about another Classic Nick Jr. Show like Eureka’s Castle? There was Magellan the Dragon, who was doin’ some "Puff The Magic Him" if ya catch my drift…he always thought that the dots on his blanket moved around and formed shapes whenever they feel like it and sometimes played connect-the-dots with them wile they were moving. Once again, I speak from experience and have never seen this kind of thing happen. Then there were the moat dwellers Bog & Quagmire, who were addicted to peanut butter sandwiches. I think they lusted after them because Eureka put some sweet, sweet angel dust in her Jif once and they took it for a picnic and couldn’t kick it from there.

Then there’s the perennial misery that is Barney. Those kids are obviously forced to be locked inside that school while mind-numbing nitrous is fed through the air vents, which causes the hallucinations. They actually think their stuffed Dinosaurs come to life and teach them cleaning habits and how to share, and are able to transmogrify their playground into Israel (I’m actually serious about that last tidbit, it actually happened). I’m getting the jibblies just thinking about this…let’s move on.

Scooby-Doo. Potheads, all 5 of them. They all wear the same clothes every day, they drive around in that green van with the flowers on it, looking for haunted houses, on a Saturday morning. And they were able to talk to dogs, which didn’t speak good english to begin with. And Shaggy…his freakin’ name is Shaggy for crying out loud! He & Scooby always had the munchies, and didn’t care where their food came from, as long as they ate, whether it was from a Malt Shop or a haunted rotting fridge in an abandoned Six Flags Fun House. And it took them exactly 22 minutes to solve the mystery, usually the villain being some guy in a costume, who was usually the only other person seen in the show besides the core 5.

H.R. Pufnstuff: Don’t need to say any more, but I will. "Can’t Do a little ’cause he can’t do enough," what the hell does that mean? That some the stuff on Living Island were a little more "alive" than others??

Not to mention any of the other Sid & Marty Krofft shows, like Buggaloos, Electra Woman & Dyna-Girl, Sigmund & The Seamonsters, Banana Splits, all conceived due to the Brothers Krofft’s manic LSD habits.

And then there’s the biggest culprit of all: Sesame Street. Come on, you HAVE to wonder what the hell Jim Henson was on when he thought up most of these concepts, like 2-headed monsters teaching the letters of the alphabet and such. I’ll list off some admirable druggies:

Big Bird: Steroids. He’s only 6 years old and is 7 feet tall and likes to ride his unicycle…what the hell? Not to mention the side effects that caused him to imagine up Snuffleupagus, and he became real once he was taken off of them.

Oscar The Grouch: Heroin. He’s always grouchy cause he needs his fix and he’s so poor from his habit that he lives in a trash can. His worm Slimey is actually more successful than him, as he got shot up into space about 10 years ago along with some other NASA worms! What has Oscar done lately? Made that horrific Elmo In Grouchland movie just to feed his needles.

Cookie Monster: PCP. Its put into the sugar that makes his cookies. And he always eats everything that appears in front of him, yet never swallows anything…

Snuffleupagus (aka Snuffy): Pothead. He has that mammoth nose and glazed over eyes, and he’s always so sluggish and depressed and gets distracted easily. You just know his fur smells like popcorn shrimp and bong water. Appearing imaginary to Big Bird doesn’t hurt either.

Ernie: Rubber fetish. He sings that song about his Rubber Ducky, and even got a song against him called "Put Down The Ducky" as well. This also explains why he always wants to be around Bert and that they share the same bedroom. He seems to be obessed with big round yellow things that can float on top of him in the tub.

Elmo: Crackhead. Jeez, I can go on and on about this guy. He just doesn’t know when to quit. He has all those annoying songs, and his Scarface-like tyranny is the reason why the show has been going downhill since the mid-90s. It’s bascially called The Elmo Show now and his little world is full of nothing but erratic scribbles and the candy made of the stuff that goes into Cookie Monster’s cookies.

And that’s something I’ve been wanting to get off my cheast for some time now. Thank you.

http://www.eight-bit.com/downloads/files/young.mp3">Bust it.