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11/06/2005: The Jones Soda Holiday Pack: 2005!

Yeah, of course I was all over this. It’s the second coming of a new Yuletide tradition: The Jones Soda Holiday Pack, 2005! You should remember the review of last year’s edition — this year, I’ve bagged up our old pal Viv and four other brave taste-testers to embark on an adventure filled with Brussels sprout soda, and herb stuffing soda, and turkey soda, and all sorts of soda that will MAKE YOU CRAZY WACKO WACKO. It’s worth noting that the review reflects the national version of the 2005 Holiday Pack. There’s also a rarer regional version hitting select stores this week, with even grosser flavors. I might not shoot my wad or whatever on two big Jones Soda articles in such a short period of time, but you can bet that I’ll be tracking that sucker down, and when I do, you’ll hear. Enjoy!

Posted by Matt. E-mail me!

Discussion Thread: 134 comments

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I do the "Hey Sheila! Pick you up at six?"/"Let’s make it five!" lines from "Handi-Off" pretty good. My SNL:The First 20 Years Book has pictures and scripts of the commercials, and there is a pictures of the fingers rotting off.

Ghosted by Allison @ 11/08/2005 8:23 PM EST

yes i too was waiting a wilma betty joke. I just picked up my pack of jones but am waiting for a special occasion to partake

Ghosted by thejyav @ 11/08/2005 10:50 PM EST

Just curious how sould I drink this holiday pack? Warm, cold or totally smashed? And if I am smashed, should I drink the sodas warm or cold?

Ghosted by Brad @ 11/08/2005 11:42 PM EST

Brad, I’d drink them sober and cold. Or is that cold and sober? Anyway, I can only imagine what "Brussels Sprout" or "Turkey and Gravy" flavored drinks would do to a stomach already full of liquor…

Ghosted by Rosella @ 11/09/2005 11:16 AM EST

Well I found the regional pack at a Super America gas station. I really wanted to buy it, but I just couldn’t spend $4 a bottle. Yeah, they want 20 bucks for it.

Ghosted by Tyr-Ant @ 11/09/2005 12:10 PM EST

Here in Toledo, OH they have the regional one with corn on the cob, salmon pate, pecan pie, brocolli cassarole, turkey and gravy, and cranberry. I think everyone else got the better end of the deal. I’ll take brussels sprout over brocolli soda…

Ghosted by Trisstis @ 11/09/2005 10:40 PM EST

Sadly, "HG" was not among the testers this year. Nice article anyway, though. Interesting office you work in, too. Looks like the back of a comic book store or something.

Ghosted by Ripplin @ 11/10/2005 1:49 AM EST

Okay, I tried the holiday pack with friends tonight. Here were my thoughts as I drank them:

Turkey and Gravy – Huh, kind of tastes like pureed turkey and gravy, only carbonated. I can do this.

Wild Herb Stuffing – Holy mother of god, it tastes like bile with a bit of thyme and rosemary in it.

Brussel Sprouts – Hmm, not too – Oh my sweet Jesus, it’s like I’m throwing up but it’s not stopping!

Cranberry Relish – This should be okay, right? Aww, god, it’s like medicine, and I’m still queasy after the brussel sprouts.

Pumpkin Pie – When I drank this one, so help me, I broke out in a sweat, because I was trying not to puke. It didn’t taste like pumpkin, it tasted like the liquified, carbonated essence of ROT.

As an important side note, do not give into the urge to crack one off after drinking these sodas. You’ll want to, but when I let one rip in the car on the way home, it was immediately filled with the smell of brussel sprouts. I just about ran off the road.

Ghosted by Kevin @ 11/10/2005 3:37 AM EST

As a side note, our bottle of brussel sprouts had a photo of a baby in a santa hat on it, crying. Truth in advertising.

Ghosted by Kevin @ 11/10/2005 3:39 AM EST

Kevin, that is the epitome of truth in advertising. and I should know, I have an eye for advertising.

Ghosted by Allison @ 11/10/2005 3:04 PM EST

Did I mention I am a communications major?

Ghosted by Allison @ 11/10/2005 3:04 PM EST

Allison, thanks for the info! My copy is the first airing then.

Ghosted by Destro @ 11/10/2005 8:23 PM EST

no carbs- check
little/no sugar – check
low sodium – chee…no
seriously check the label and see how much sodium is in each bottle. Pretty much the pies(pecan and pumpkin) and cranberry are the only ones with low sodium counts.

Ghosted by Brad @ 11/12/2005 7:14 PM EST

Ghosted by Brad @ 11/12/2005 7:15 PM EST

I found the holiday pack at Target today on my little shopping spree. I laughed b/c of this topic.

Ghosted by Allison @ 11/13/2005 7:51 PM EST

This is truly one of the highlights of the holiday season. Keep up the good work!

Ghosted by Daisy Nukem @ 11/14/2005 2:55 PM EST

Oh god… I think I’d rather die than drink this stuff. As curious as I am about the taste I don’t want to be scarred for life so close to the holidays.

Ghosted by Adrastia @ 11/14/2005 9:17 PM EST

I can get the regional pack in my area! Anyone interested?

Ghosted by Donnie Moe @ 11/15/2005 11:14 AM EST

I held off reading this article as I was waiting for my own tasting party and didn’t want to be tainted.

5 of us got together and tried them out. And yes Brussel Sprouts soda is awful. The worst thing I’ve ever tasted. 3/5 of us almost vomited it was so bad.

But still it was worth while, I can’t wait for next years

Ghosted by Emperor_Zorak @ 11/17/2005 12:25 PM EST

Okay folks! I’m fresh off a taste test of the Regional Holiday Pack and needless to say, I am not the same person I was yesterday. I’m worse but I feel as if Iï¿½ve tackled one of life biggest challenges. That being, Smoked Salmon Pate Soda. If you can drink one whole bottle of it you should get $50,000 from Fear Factor. The smell, the taste, truly awful!!! This is a one way ticket to Hell, absolutely no back. A friend was heaving after one sip of the Turkey & Gravy soda. Tastes like corn startch was added to not-flushed toilet water to make gravy. Amazingly, the Broccoli Casserole is the best of the bunch and I went back for multiple sips. The sodas do smell like what theyï¿½re supposed to be with smelly jock strap scent in there as well. These sodas have the worst possible aftertaste of anything you could possibly eat, even that aforementioned jock strap (which I have not eaten). Corn on the Cob soda tastes like nibblet juice and butter with glue paste and dirt with a bit of sugar. If you can believe it, Pecan Pie was so overpowering in smell and taste that it instantly erases any fond taste for anyone that enjoys Pecan Pie. Between four people no bottle was more than 1/16th empty. Oh, and when we tasted them they were warm which couldnï¿½t have helped at all. So I have them in my refridgerator to savor another day. Delicious and if you ask me, well worth the purchase price! Buy it to taste it, not sell on ebay. You can say you did. Enjoy!

Ghosted by gershurd @ 11/17/2005 3:21 PM EST

I just saw the regoinal pack for my area- (Seattle)- I think Jones Soda wants to punish their home town- Smoked Salmon flavor- eeewwweee.

Ghosted by Cherbear @ 11/17/2005 8:41 PM EST

Actually, let me specifically describe the Smoked Salmon Pate Soda a bit more because I have to save you people. This soda has affected my life as we know it. I think I’m depressed because of it? Think of the horror movie that has scared you ever since you were a kid. This is much scarier than that. You will have reacurring (tastebud) nightmares from this soda. This soda is evil!

Ghosted by gershurd @ 11/17/2005 9:08 PM EST

I think that the most underrated SNL ad is the one with the mannequins of people breaking into your house. It just caught me so off guard when the new improved mannequin with real talking action said "i’m gonna put my evil inside you." I couldn’t stop laughing for 20 minutes.

"Think of the horror movie that has scared you ever since you were a kid. This is much scarier than that."

No. Nothing is scarier than "Cocoon."

Ghosted by BuckoSama @ 11/17/2005 11:13 PM EST

I’msoexcitedI’msoexcitedImsoexcited
Well, you get the idea…
My photo is the christmas cracker on the wild herb stuffing bottle in the taste test!
I’msodepressedI’msodepressedetcetc
Holiday packs are apparently only available at Target. I live in Canada. Target doesn’t. I can’t see my bottles on the shelf. Hell, I’d never actually TASTE the stuff, but I’d love to see it… maybe hold it… caress it… That’s MY pic!

Ghosted by Sheila @ 11/18/2005 10:14 PM EST

I bought it last night a Target. I will have my whole family try this crap with no warning on Thanksgiving. I’m psyched already. 10.99 seems like a lot for some shit-flavored sodas but if they’re as bad as everyone says I can’t wait.

Ghosted by Another guy named Matt @ 11/21/2005 12:56 PM EST

Jesus Christ on a Cracker! This article had me CRYING from laughing so hard! I would never try this nasty-ass shit, but sure is funny as hell to read about you & your (ex) friends doing so! Thanks, man! This made my day. No, week. No, MONTH!

Ghosted by baz gurl @ 11/21/2005 11:58 PM EST

Hi Guys,

Where do you get this stuf in Europe?

Ghosted by Hans from Amsterdam @ 11/23/2005 3:56 AM EST

Hi Guys,

Where do you get this stuf in Europe?

Ghosted by Hans from Amsterdam @ 11/23/2005 3:56 AM EST

Hi Guys,

Where do you get this stuf in Europe?

Ghosted by Hans from Amsterdam @ 11/23/2005 3:56 AM EST

I finally cracked open my Holiday Pack. I put a video review up on my site, if you click on my name

Ghosted by celery @ 11/23/2005 7:00 PM EST

Here’s my review of it:
I deserve a purple heart. I have survived evil incarnate. I did not think that they would meet my expectations. They were FAR worse. This is some pretty nasty sh*t right here. Unfortunately, I only had 2 and a half taste testers. The general consensus for cranberry was pretty good.

Here’s some quotes about Cranberry soda from my taste-testers:
Tester #1-"It was pretty good the first couple times but then it just tasted bad at the end. You could probablly stomach it every day."

Tester #2- "It was Ok. I thought it was good. The best one–not saying much."

Me: It wasn’t too awful. I’d say that Oceanspray and even V8 splash are better but it is tolerable. I’d have it again.

TURKEY AND GRAVY! ( Liquid hell mixed with arsonic!)

We all agreed we would never touch this sh*t again. Really. It was bad. In fact it wasn’t just bad–it was almost a sin to touch this stuff. It is nothing like turkey. It tasted like mashed up sh*t mixed with sugar and onions. Add some dead animals to that too. Here’s what my brave testers had to say…

Tester #1-"I thought it was the nastiest thing I’d ever tasted until I got to the next few. Seriously. You almost don’t want to drink it after you smell it."

Tester #2- "This was one of the nastiest things I’ve ever tasted. Absolute crap. If somebody asked me to eat this again I would kill them."

Me: About on par with what I expected from it. Yes it tasted like turds with lemons and venicen. It smells quite bad. So bad in fact, that tester #1 gagged after sniffing it. It wasn’t worse then I thought it would be though. I never want to eat Turkey again. So far, I’m quite pleased with this pack. It meets all my expectations of disgusting TCP type crap.

WILD HERB STUFFING:
Stuffing didn’t smell half bad. In fact, it smelled alot like Lysol. It probablly tasted like Lysol does as well. Wild Herb Stuffing had me disappinted. It wasn’t nearly as bad as I had predicted. It was pretty weak. Here are our thoughts…

Tester #1-"Tasted like watered down lemon cleaner. Probablly the second best."

Tester #2-"It tasted a lot like swallowing a whole gallon of the toothpaste at the Dentist’s office and reminded me physically of Vodka."

Me: It was nothing. I still had my game face on at this point. Little did I know that the smell of Brussels Sprout would stay with me and haunt my nightmares for the rest of my life and the taste of Pumpkin Pie would leave me gasping for air.

BRUSSELS SPROUT:
Taste Tester #1 insisted that we have Brussels Sprouts before Pumpkin Pie to end with a good taste in our mouth, (how wrong she was!). This was indeed the worst to most of us and the smell and taste continually keeps returning to me. I’m scarred for life.

Tester #1-"This was so bad. I couldn’t even have a sip of it without washing it over with Gatorade. I seriously threw up in my mouth. It tasted like crap. The worst thing I have ever tasted in my entire life tied with Escargot."

Tester #2-"Brussles Sprouts…At first the smell made me think that it was made by someone insane. As soon as I drank it I realized that the taste and recipe had originated from Hell itself. It tasted like melted diarreah–seriously. Never drink it unless you wish to throw up or you’re crazy like Matt."

Me-"Am I crazy? I remeber quite well after the initial gagging the clutching my throat the flavor of the soda and my exact words. "Holy Good Lord! My God! GOD! Sh*t! Ughhh!" Yes it was a memorable experience. I’ll leave the flavor to imagination. I can’t begin to describe it. It was the worst thing I’ve ever drank though I might have to give the heavy hitting title to Pumpkin Pie now that I’m thinking of it.

PUMPKIN PIE
We had grown since we first embarked on our journeys of Jones Soda. We started our journey cocky and naive. By the end, we were totally humble and seeking therapy. Pumpkin Pie took us by surprise. I still feel sick and I bet that if I crapped on a plate and liquified it, it wouldn’t taste as bad as these did. We thought it would be a way to end with good flavors in our mouths. We were VERY wrong. Pumpkin Pie was worse than the first 3 flavors mixed together. The worst part is, I am half tempted to do the whole thing over, although my taste testers are not.

Tester #1- "This is almost as bad as brussels sprout because it has such a nice name, and the real food tastes decent, but it is really really bad. If you ever try this have something good to eat/drink handy. After I tasted it, I ran around wildly( after getting off the floor) stuffing pretzels in my mouth."

Tester #2- "I have just 2 things to say…. the 1st is that if someone is holding a gun to your head, threatening this soda, just get shot. The second is that if you ever have to drink this, have a good stick handy to shove down your throat to make you throw up."

Me: Ummm… I will never eat pumpkin pie again. EVER. The worst part is that it was actually sweet. I am the only one who tasted the sweetness because my taste testers were on life support (also Tester #1 gave me a whole cup full) It was salty, sugar, mango, moldy crust. The interesting thing about these sodas is that no two people will describe them the same way. I have a new vision of hell, and it’s floating neck high in Brussels Sprout mixed with Pumpkin Pie soda. Jones Soda–You f**ked us.

Final Thoughts: I want to go to Church. It WAS every bit as bad as the hype said it would be. My rankings are: (from weakest to worst)
1. Cranberry
2. Stuffing
3. Turkey
4. Pumpkin Pie
5. The Brussels Sprouts
And now that it’s done…I reccommend everyone go buy some for some Yuletide wretching. We laughed, we nearly cried and we nearly needed respirators. Yep. Jones Soda was worth every penny. I had fun. When I mentioned there was a Salmon Pate flavor in existence though my taste testers both chorused "F**k you!" and left the room. Happy Holidays.

Ghosted by AnotherguynamedMatt @ 11/23/2005 11:37 PM EST

Ok our church goes to winter Feast. They had this conest to drink these sodas. I want to know what’s the best tasting one, even know by their facial expersion. I don’t think any taste good. But I believe you’ve to try something before you say you do or don’t like it. I want to know where u can buy them? So I can prepare for WinterFeast. (shh!!! Shh!!!!) I like disgusting people out w/ food like I had ice cream w/ kecthup. I also made a gospel cereal. It’s raisin (for sins), strawberry (for Jesus bloods) Marshmallows & Milk (for purity.) and Pickles (for growing in Christ)
It’s sweet at lest to me. I had other things to before. (I can’t remember them all right now.
Ok now here is time to be sincere. Here’s another question. Are u saved? If so praise Jesus! If not here’s how to get saved. “FOR WHOSOEVER SHALL CALL UPON THE NAME OF THE LORD SHALL BE SAVED.” Romans 10:13 Why do we need to be saved. “And whosoever was not found written in the book of life was cast into the Lake of Fire” Revelation 20:15. If you would like to get saved. You can say the prayer below or one similar but you have to mean it.

“Dear God:
I am a sinner and need your forgiveness. I believe that Jesus Christ shed His precious blood and died for my sins on the cross. Please forgive me of my sins and save me from the Lake of Fire. I’m willing to turn form sin. I now invite Christ to come into my heart and life as my personal Savior. Thanks for saving me. Help me to walk with you daily. I love you Jesus. In Jesus name this I pray and ask.”
Sincerely in Christ Jesus,

“Jesus Child” (not real name, just nickname)

Ps. check out this

website http://www.chick.com

you can read online tracks

Ghosted by Jesus Child @ 09/08/2006 7:54 AM EDT

I was a clown in Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus in 2005, and as a morale before we did the State Street Thanksgiving Parade in Chicago, I brought this holiday pack backstage.

Since it was so early, and we all had a big day ahead of us, I drank 4 out of the 5 sodas myself to entertain my fellow clowns and other entertainers. I had the Turkey & Gravy, Cranberry, Pumpkin Pie, and Wild Herb Stuffing, one right after the other, and I can honestly say that the Stuffing soda was probably the worst thing I’ve EVER tasted.

In the end, I made around $30 for drinking them, another guy got $15 for drinking the Brussels Sprout, and I ended up having to pee like a racehorse.

Also, I continued the tradition this year at the Disney-MGM Studios, where I work in Streetmosphere, and the highlights were the Antacid and getting a vegetarian friend to drink the Turkey & Gravy with me!

Ghosted by Lil' B @ 11/25/2006 11:28 PM EST

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