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08/02/2005: The Official Spoiler Thread.

Been super slammed at work. Here is my tale of woe: This morning, I snuck outside for the day’s first ultra-quick under-the-radar cigarette break, and what do I see across the street? Every big time advertising icon imaginable, in full costume, from Mr. Peanut to Tony the Tiger, the Crash Test Dummies, the Energizer Bunny and beyond. My own personal Babylon, right across the fucking street, and I didn’t have time to visit, much less run upstairs to grab my cell phone camera. Oh, poor me. And you thought those Krauts in the Third World had it bad. No idea what the celebration was about, but a coworker soon appeared in the office holding a pair of foam Energizer Bunny ears. Augh I hate him.

Sort-of Survey: Want to try something different with this thread, so BE WARNED before you read it. It’s the SPOILER thread. Consider the comments section for this entry your one-time ticket to ask your fellow readers for the scoop on anything you want to know from all walks of entertainment — if you’re looking to be spoiled, ask away. Ask about movie endings. Ask about what happened on last week’s Six Feet Under. I’m not sure how this will turn out, but it could be interesting. DO NOT READ the comments if you’re avoiding spoilers for anything in particular at this point in time. It’s all fair game. Doesn’t have to be new stuff, either. Personally, I’ve always wondered how Predator 2 ended.


Posted by Matt. E-mail me!

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Discussion Thread: 195 comments

Fatboy’s comments were all Twilight Zone episodes. The glasses one has been refernced all over the place.
All the time in the world. Clatter…. snapt! It’s not fair!

Ghosted by kingklas, part DUH! @ 08/03/2005 1:40 PM EDT

Kristin shot J.R.

Ghosted by rebecca @ 08/03/2005 1:57 PM EDT

You know that one scene in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves where the Sheriff is about to hang the Merry Men, but suddenly Robin shows up? In haste, the Sheriff quickly kicks out all the stools underneath them and the Merry Men dangle from the nooses. But I also remember the Merry Men being ALIVE at the end. How the heck did Robin get them out of that?

Ghosted by Mars @ 08/03/2005 2:25 PM EDT

in response to TheFatboy’s comments…the final one about Angela being a boy I believe refers to the campy 80’s slasher flick Sleepaway Camp…where you discover at the end that it was in fact Angela that was killed all those years ago by the boat, that her boy cousin (or was it brother) was all dressed up like a girl, etc by his fucked up aunt…very strange movie…but worth watching if you like the taste of 80’s Cheese :P Also I’d like to bring something up to get people’s opinion (in keeping in a way with the spoilers topic) in American Psycho (book and/or movie) did Pat Bateman actually kill those people…or was it merely all in his mind?

Ghosted by Jabo @ 08/03/2005 2:37 PM EDT

danimal

In the Saw the true killer was the dead guy in the middle of the room. He gets up after the doctor cuts his own leg off and leaves. Better yet he tells the other guy that the key to his chains was in the bathtub and walks out closing the door. All the other plot was the sicko messing with others heads the same way.
The End of one really twisted movie.

Ghosted by Wentral @ 08/03/2005 2:42 PM EDT

Mars-didn’t someone shoot an arrow through the rope and they fell?

Ghosted by kb @ 08/03/2005 2:43 PM EDT

Oh hey Kingklash,

You were right after all about the Marx bros. reference. Not only is Captain Spaulding referenced, but all of the names (e.g. The Firefly family) were Marx bros. derived. They reveal that in Devil’s Rejects. I didn’t pick up on it because well I’m a young punk :)

Ghosted by Knegative @ 08/03/2005 2:55 PM EDT

This has nothing to do with your thread but Matt are you still selling those $50 mystery boxes?

Ghosted by Mike The Great @ 08/03/2005 3:17 PM EDT

Thanks Wentral. that was sort of my theory. I had guessed that the guy in the middle of the room was the dude in charge of it all, but also thought that whoever survives out of the previous "game" becomes the new Saw and it just gets passed along. nice summary though. thanks

Ghosted by danimal @ 08/03/2005 3:40 PM EDT

Darth Vader is Luke’s father.

Ghosted by Quiet Thunder @ 08/03/2005 3:42 PM EDT

Godzilla stomples the hell out of some monster, burninates half of Tokyo, walks off into the ocean. Sometimes there’s singing.

Ghosted by kingklash @ 08/03/2005 4:53 PM EDT

Here’s a spoiler…"You will die alone."

Ghosted by danimal @ 08/03/2005 5:05 PM EDT

As far as Six Feet Under, my wife also complained that Nate was a whiny prick. I just saw him as a guy in a marriage that was obviously ending, and he had a hardon for his step-sister, and he found his job futile. He seemed to have plenty to be whiny about. But yeah, I was shocked to see him die.

Ghosted by tanta07 @ 08/03/2005 5:13 PM EDT

Oh, please, people. DUMBLEDORE IS FUCKING DEAD. COPE.

rebecca: Yes, Reggie does recognize George at the end of that episode. I believe Rube did say that on Halloween, people can see their true appearances.

As for Six Feet Under… Good riddance to Nate. I was getting sick of his consistent fuck-ups, and the fact that he always blamed whoever he was with for any relationship problems. Couldn’t be that he never wants what he already has, and ALWAYS felt the need to pursue what he doesn’t. And then, of course, once he gets it he doesn’t really want it anymore.

Whatever. I was sick of him, and I felt absolutely no sympathy when he died. Not even for Maya, because honestly, he didn’t seem to do that much for her. He was too busy banging greasy Quaker chicks and yelling at Brenda to actually raise his daughter. Good. At least with Brenda, Maya’s got someone who actually notices she’s there.

Ghosted by Jen @ 08/03/2005 5:28 PM EDT

The Universe ends as the Dreaming God wakes up, rolls over, and goes back to sleep. A new Universe begins. I hope there’s singing.

Ghosted by kingklash @ 08/03/2005 5:34 PM EDT

In book SEVEN of Harry Potter, Harry, Ron, Hermione (and Malfoy)travel back in time to Hogwarts when his parents were attending to try and stop Voldemort (and young Snape). He thinks he succeeds but really Voldemort survives (with help from Malfoy)and seeks revenge which ultimately leads to the demise of Harry’s parents. Remember… awful things happen to wizards who meddle with time.

Also Harry warns Dumbledore of his future murder by Snape but as it turns out the whole thing WAS a hoax to protect the innocence of Malfoy. Too late though because it is Malfoy (under Voldemort’s influence) who injures Hermione and Ron. Harry almost kills Malfoy, because he thinks Herminone and Ron are dead but is stopped by Dumbledore. Ron and Hermione get married, Harry goes off to be alone. And Voldemorte is still out there… somewhere!

THE END

anyway it pisses off a lot of fans and Rowling eventually releases 3 more books making it 10 books in the series. But of course they all get a happy ending blah blah blah.

Ghosted by evadrad @ 08/03/2005 6:16 PM EDT

Taarna The Defender passes the torch to the little girl.

Ghosted by Another Matt @ 08/03/2005 6:28 PM EDT

KINGKLASH,
Are you suggesting that God is Bob Newhart?

I think Dumbledore is dead because Harry is supposed to be the main character/hero. It is time for him to grow up, etc.

danimal, eh???? Very interesting…

Ghosted by The Manimal @ 08/03/2005 7:05 PM EDT

yeah, my name is Dan. One time before a basketball game one of my friends just said "give the ball to danimal" and its stuck ever since. I could change it to danimal3114u to avoid confusion if you prefer Manimal

Ghosted by danimal @ 08/03/2005 7:17 PM EDT

I’m surpised no one put this one in…

Rosebud is Kane’s sled. I don’t believe there’s any singing.

Ghosted by Akbar101 @ 08/03/2005 7:23 PM EDT

Luke & Leia are brother & suster

Anakin built C-3PO

Syndrome dies

Everyone dies at the end of Blair Witch Project

Ghosted by Invader Norbert @ 08/03/2005 7:25 PM EDT

Iceman tells Maverick that he can be his wingman anytime.

Ghosted by Akbar101 @ 08/03/2005 7:26 PM EDT

They find dry land at the end of "Water World" but Kevin the Merman goes back to sea.

Ghosted by Akbar101 @ 08/03/2005 7:28 PM EDT

Random horror movie endings:

The Shining: Jack Nicholson’s character freezes to death in a maze, and his wife and son get away.

Scream: Neve Campbell’s character Sidney’s boyfriend and his best friend commit all the murders. She kills them both.

Scream 2: The crazy boyfriend from the previous movie’s mother is the killer, plus a guy she hired off the internet?!

Scream 3: Sidney’s step-brother was the catalyst for all of the other murders, and we try to figure out why they made two sequels to Scream.

Poltergeist: The neighborhood was built on top of a graveyard, the developers moved the gravestones and didn’t bother to move the bodies.

Psycho: It’s not Bates’ mother commiting the murders, it’s Norman himself, dressed like his dead mother, and schizophrenically hearing her tell him to commit the crimes.

Friday the 13th: Jason Vorhee’s mother (Wow, lots of mommy issues in horror movies) is the killer, avenging her son who drowned due to not-so-great camp counselors.

Grease: Sandy and Danny fly away in a chrome covered car, and everyone sings and dances. :)

Ghosted by Julie @ 08/03/2005 7:34 PM EDT

actually in the shining, Jack Nicholson’s character dies because of the heater that was never adjusted or whatever and pretty much explodes the place, but having his wife/son flee therefore sacrificing himself to save his wife and son, danny.

Ghosted by Yazma @ 08/03/2005 7:48 PM EDT

vince is the new aquaman!! Yeah, mandy moore is set to be aqua girl, but their is trouble because vince was in love with her and and asked her to marry him like 5 yrs ago. drama has found love in an old co-star from his vicking quest days, i cant really think of what else is going on

Ghosted by letshugitoutbitch @ 08/03/2005 8:03 PM EDT

…the dish ran away with the spoon.

Ghosted by Warx @ 08/03/2005 8:03 PM EDT

Danimal,

I was just giving you a hard time. :) Welcome aboard!

Ghosted by The Manimal @ 08/03/2005 8:22 PM EDT

Is that what happened in the book, The Shining? I’ve just seen the Kubrick movie. :)

Ghosted by Julie @ 08/03/2005 8:22 PM EDT

At the end of the sceond League of Extraordinary Gentlemen comic mini-series (much better than the film,BTW),the Martian invaders are done in a biological weapon devised by Dr. Moreau,but the British goverment covers it up with the common cold angle from the original War of the Worlds novel,and the team breaks up after two members die and Captian Nemo pissed he was party to the use of a bioweapon.

Ghosted by Overlord @ 08/03/2005 8:49 PM EDT

Ok, these aren’t horror, but let me join the insanity anyway. This is one of the funniest blog entries I’ve read in a while.

Head – The Monkees are carted off in a tank by Victor Mature, we get the end (and only) credits, and the film burns in the final shot.

Hot Shots – Topper and his girlfriend meet in the Indian camp and probably enjoy much meat-cooking sex together.

The Pirate Movie – Mabel and "Fredric" get married AFTER the dream sequence ends, and yes, there’s much singing and dancing, Australian style.

In "Who Framed Roger Rabbit," Judge Doom is a Toon.

Marty McFly DOES eventually get to the future in "Back to the Future" series…and the past, and an alt-universe 1986, and the Wild West, and an alt-alt-universe "Back to the Future"…

The first "Super Mario Bros" ends with Princess Toadstool making a lame joke about needing to be rescued again.

Prince Philip kisses Sleeping Beauty awake, and the three good fairies keep changing her dress color. There’s much waltzing, but the singing is a background chorus.

Nemo finds his dad.

The Incredibles ease up on their kids, save the world as a family, and discover the baby is a human torch.

ET goes home.

Rick tells Elsa to go back to the states with her husband and he walks off to join the war with his Vichy official buddy.

Ghosted by starwenn @ 08/03/2005 8:50 PM EDT

on the season opener of entourage vince, and the gang get back from filming queens blvd, e finds out his girl is cheating, and f&*$S a perfect 10 model, drama wants calf implants, vince is going broke because he cant get work, ari says do "aquaman" vince says hell no, untill james cameron becomes director, e and vince say make it happen arei, they all go to sundance, vince is in a commercial where he makes half a mill, and f*&4s a chinease trainer drama and turtle get laid at a brothel which is next door to the new house that vince bought, james cameron sees queens blvd, decides it is geniuos and offers aquaman to vince

Ghosted by letshugitoutbitch @ 08/03/2005 9:15 PM EDT

The Dumbledore Question: I think Dumbledore’s going to pull a Gandalf and come back. People were suspiscious of Snape so Dumbledore’s fake death will put Snape off the track.But does anyone have any idea who’s initials were on the note included with the fake Horcruxes? I’m thinking it’s Sirius’ Black’s brother, (I can’t remember his first name, but it starts with the right letter). I don’t know his middle name, but they mentions his name a couple times in the 6th book and that can’t be for no reason.

On Willy Wonka: I enjoyed the film. It’s darker than the first film version and Depp plays Wonka as a bit of a creepy screwball with Daddy issues and zero empathy but in many ways that’s closer to the book than the first film version as Gene Wilder’s Wonka was a little too happy go lucky and nice as Dahl’s novel, contrary to many beliefs, is not entirely about sunshine and rainbows (and chocolate)

Ghosted by Gabbylicious @ 08/03/2005 9:32 PM EDT

Gabby – yup it’s Regulus A. (although we don’t know what the A is for yet) Black, and the real locket horcrux was the heavy locket that no one could open which they found when cleaning up Sirius’s house in Order of the Phoenix.

Ghosted by Xevo @ 08/03/2005 10:58 PM EDT

Hahahaha. I am SO totally the winner!

Ghosted by Gabbylicious @ 08/03/2005 11:03 PM EDT

Can somebody tell me how the PS2 game "Kingdom Hearts" wraps up? It’s a charming little game, but I got bored with it pretty quickly and sold it before beating it.

Ghosted by The Yeti @ 08/03/2005 11:05 PM EDT

Happy looks above his mothers house and see’s abe lincoln the crocodile and chubs, he then waves to them all creating much speculation from his grandma who asks "who are you waving to?" Happy replies, "No one grandma"

Ghosted by Diarrhea Dave @ 08/03/2005 11:24 PM EDT

who knows what happens at the end of the "peasants quest" game on the homestarrunner site

Ghosted by Death Rides a Stick @ 08/03/2005 11:28 PM EDT

At the end of "peasants quest" you get to Trogdor’s cave, and then he tells you he can’t be killed and you die, and the erect a statue of you for getting farther than anyone else ever.

Ghosted by Katherine! @ 08/03/2005 11:53 PM EDT

It’s made of PEOPLE! And the dogs die at the end. But a red fern grows over their grave so its okay.

I can also tell you the end of every modern Asian martial arts movie ever. They all DIE and WEEP and DIE. and Diieeeee.

What happens at the end of Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell? Anyone read that?

Ghosted by Katherine @ 08/04/2005 12:20 PM EDT

Doomsday kills Superman, but not before Superman kills Doomsday. Both come back.

Crossing the streams kills Gozer.

Bruce Willis = dead

Skeletor’s stupid plan fails, He-Man defeats him, Duncan sucks.

Snape kills Dumbledore.

Gizmo Kills Stripe.

Frostbite kills Jack Torrance.

Video kills the radio star.

The cheese stands alone.

Charlie wins the Chocolate Factory.

Hal Jordan is back and as boring as ever.

My weird dream ended when I woke up.

Sealab blows up. Or not.

The gang catches the monster, unmasks him, and it turns out to be the secondary character they met five minutes in.

The post fails to end with a clever comment.

Ghosted by Johnny Thunder @ 08/04/2005 12:21 PM EDT

The Alien gets sucked out an airlock…many times.

Ghosted by Ed @ 08/04/2005 1:23 AM EDT

Actually Johnny Thunder stole what I wanted to say :)

I’m so embarassed to say it took my years and years (I was a kid ok?) to figure out that every Scooby Doo episode ends the same:

Scary monster is actually someone dressed up as a monster who wants to make money from some property and therefore tries to scare other people away.

EVERY SINGLE EPISODE. Sheesh I was so dumb!

Pax

Ghosted by Soj @ 08/04/2005 1:36 AM EDT

and if it weren’t for those kids and there darned dog, I woulda done it too!!

Ghosted by kidneyboy @ 08/04/2005 1:45 AM EDT

Sora and Kairi are separated when the ground crumbles asunder beneath them.

Riku smiles at Sora, and Mickey Mouse closes the door behind them.

Donald and Goofy bounce around a lot, and say stuff.

Kairi waits in a cave and draws pictures.

Utada Hikaru sings.

Ghosted by Tatanka lives @ 08/04/2005 4:35 AM EDT

I’ll give answers to questions that weren’t asked:

Leonard Shelby killed his wife with insulin injections.

Shadow calls a truce between the new gods and the old gods and they stop fighting. Hinzelmann, actually a god, killed a teenager every harvest, shoved their body into a broken car, and dumped it into a frozen lake. The cop character whose name I forget kills him and burns down his house. Shadow goes to Europe.

Rosasharn’s baby dies. She breastfeeds a starving old man in a barn.

The conch shatters as Piggy falls off a cliff. The boys are rescued.

The characters in "Trapped in the Closet" are all having affairs with each other. Sylvester’s wife slept with the cop who pulled Sylvester over. R. Kelly sings.

Cady ditches prom to win the Mathlete competition (the limit does not exist). Regina gets hit by a bus and, as a result, everyone changes their ways. Gretchen learns Vietnamese.

Ghosted by Tatanka is bored @ 08/04/2005 5:07 AM EDT

Rorschach and Nite Owl make it to Ozymandias’ Antarctic retreat, where he reveals that he murdered the Comdedian, because the Comdedian knew about his plan to fake an alien invasion by killing half of NYC.

Nite Owl and Rorschach declare their intent to stop him, and Ozy reveals that he has already exectured the plan.

Dr. Manahattan returns from Mars to find half of NYC dead. He, too, goes to Ozy’s retreat. He then kills Rorschach who refuses to remain silent regarding Ozy’s deeds. He then departs Earth for good, with the intent to create life eleswhere.

Nite Owl and the Silk Spectre resume crime-fighting but have taken up new civilian identities.

The last panel shows the publisher’s assistant at New Frontiersman reaching for Rorschach’s journal as a possible story.

Ghosted by Devastatin' Dodge @ 08/04/2005 6:23 AM EDT

Kevin Spacey is Keiser Sosey.

Ghosted by King Peter @ 08/04/2005 8:37 AM EDT

No one ever dies in the A-Team, but the team always wins by blowing cars up and making them do rotational flips.

Mork and Mindy end up in prehistoric times.

MacGyver’s first name is Angus.

Samurai Jack never returns to his time.

All your base really do belong to us.

The Beef is everywhere.

Ghosted by Quiet Thunder @ 08/04/2005 8:54 AM EDT

the boyfriends are the killers in scream

the boyfriends mom (jackie from rosanne) is the killer in scream 2

the movie direct/half brother (Noel Crane from Felicity) is the killer in scream 3

Ghosted by jeff @ 08/04/2005 9:26 AM EDT

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