Thanks for all the feedback on that House article! It's not quite over yet, though. This weekend, a vaguely related part two. No, it won't be more descriptions of dead bugs or graveyards, but rather a rundown of the insane gamut of "collectibles" picked up at a crickety old gift shop near Delhi. Loads of post-worthy stuff, trust me. To give you an idea, the first things I saw after walking in the place were WWF loot bags from 1985. The last thing I saw? Well…you'll see.
The Growing Beast Experiment rages on! The culprits (note the new additions, like the heart) have been growing all out of sorts — the combination of less water and nearby extended family members certainly seems to halt their usual capabilities of self biggie-sizing, though it's interesting to see which of the creatures manage to kick dust at the pack, storming forward like the great leaders of wartime history. Example: Frankenstein is totally kicking Dracula's green ass. More on this as it develops, but to be honest, the story doesn't seem to be growing towards anything too interesting. My experiment's a big failure.
Here's that trip report I promised — a visit to my friend's creepy old vacation home in Delhi, New York. On the outskirts of a farm town, the place is in the middle of nowhere, plagued with ghost stories and stocked with enough cheap beer to convince anyone that they're actually seeing ghosts. I love the filthy ol' place. The very long article features every last nuance of the trips we take there, or at least, the ones I feel comfortable mentioning in a public forum. If you and your circle don't have a place like this to escape to, I strongly suggest finding one. Just leave your good clothes at home. If you like looking at stale Pepsi, this article is for voo.
Had to pick up a few kiddy birthday presents last night. While at Toys 'R' Us, I spotted this Darth Vader "Wrestling Buddy," made by the same company who put out all of those WWF/WWE/WCW dolls of the same stature through the years. Basically, they're dolls made soft and durable enough for kids to pound the Holy Hell out of without worry. I've only had one other, striking the likeness of "Macho King" Randy Savage, but I think it's pretty safe to say that Vader's set a new standard when it comes to wrestling buddies. It even shouts various Vader-phrases when you punch its stomach. A bit steep at twenty bucks, but it definitely has that conversational couch pillow appeal deal going for it. [more]
Strolled on down to Midtown Comics today to pick up eighty copies of the ToyFare mag I did the Family Guy thing for, and the feature looks, pun alert, freakin' sweet. I'm exaggerating on the eighty copies bit, but not by much, and I'm surprised the guy working the register didn't bat an eye at a customer buying so many copies of the same magazine. There I was, begging, pleading, DARING him to ask "WHY" so I could tell him of my glories…but nope, nada, nothing. He just cashed my thousand dollar bill and threw me down the stairs.
In more exciting news, there's a new scratch-off Lotto ticket in town, and it's called "Pac-Man Mania." They haven't done much to beef it up with anything too Pac-ish, though the usual instant-win coins have been replaced with ol' yeller himself. Sadly not available in NY yet as far as I can tell, the idea of winning money from Pac-Man is bitchin' enough for a Jersey drive. As for the rest of the states in this fair country…I have absolutely no idea. Hit a deli and look for Pac-Man. Hell, you've done it before.
Oh, so I had this big stash of things that grow 600% bigger in water — you know the drill. They've just been scattered about collecting dust for the past year or so. I've decided to perform an experiment. What you see above is a sampling of the growing monsters I've collected (I took the pics prematurely…actually found a few more), covering everything from SpongeBob to Halloween monsters to big red hearts that promise to only get bigger. Instead of going the usual route, we're gonna plop 'em all in one big bowl to find out what kind of unearthly demon God will create.
Again, I added a few more after taking these pics, so the end results will be even more absurd than you're predicting. I'll keep you updated. Maybe.
God, it's beautiful out tonight. Makes me want to run outside and eat an eighteen-year-old package of bacon bits.
Don't ask me how I got it, but to your left is a package of complimentary McDonald's bacon bits from 1987. With smoke flavoring! Provided to customers who ordered Chicken Salad Oriental or some other leafy shit, it's a big pile of nasty that has only gotten nastier with age — click here for a look at what's inside. While it must be considered poison at this point, the stuff's actually held up pretty well, with credit for that largely attributed to its heaping dose of sodium erythorbate, whatever the fuck that is. The package claims it's "100% real bacon," which is an admittedly awesome clever way of saying it's not 100% bacon. Whatever bacon in there is 100% legit, but shhh…there's other stuff too. Naughty bits from Captain Chemical. One of the Fry Guys. Yay 4/20.
In 1988, McDonald's sought to recapture some lost sales margins in what was obviously the best way for a fast food chain to do so: By giving away free foreign coins! The "Fiesta Coin" packets each contained a legitimate foreign coin, given out either in Happy Meals or whenever someone bought some ill-conceived test-market burger with the word "Fiesta" in the title. Can't really remember, but I'm totally crushing on the confetti-drenched packaging.
I really didn't come home expecting to write about old bacon bits tonight. Life is full of surprises.
Remember my little contributions to ToyFare Magazine a while back? Well, we're at it again — checks your newsstands for issue #94, featuring Freakin' Sweet, my hand-picked list of 101 Family Guy trivia bits, in-jokes and blink-and-you'll-miss-it gags. The goal was to list only the stuff that'd come across upon repeat viewings, but with such a large list, I'll admit that some of the entries are a bit obvious. Still, it's a nice big huge lazy read, so if you're into the show, check it out! They've even got an interview with Seth in there. I'd also like to take this opportunity to thank KP, who brought me onboard as a freelancer with the mag. He doesn't work there anymore, but hey, thanks man!
Speaking of things that pay, work has been incredibly busy lately. Busy but…rewarding. When I started working at Nick, I honestly didn't think it'd go much further than the trial period. Frankly, going from a situation where I worked from home for so damned long into a big bright vibrant crazy supercharged mega office almost felt too hard to conquer. I don't think I could have been more shy or self-conscious during that first month. But, I've found my spot now, and sometimes I feel motivated in ways that are beyond me. Plus, the people are just great. You'll always find something to pick at and complain about no matter where you work, but all things considered, I think I'm pretty fuckin lucky for someone who could've just as easily been a professional drinker hocking personal belongings on eBay.
Do wish I had more time for the site, though. I miss it terribly. I could write a book about how much I miss it. On the other hand, the grass is always greener, blah blah. As we speak, Brian's trying to whip together a new design to finally take us out of the holiday season, sniff. I still plan to do that other new site deal I mentioned a while back, because what I have in mind is super conducive to easy, quick updates, and it'd be nice to have something to supplement the larger features. Aside from weird old Ninja Turtles candy.
Farley's "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Eggs," from 1990. On this, their fifteen birthday, we reflect upon a time when merchandising tie-ins could be as lazy as repackaging stale jelly beans and still make big bank. The candy itself is completely uninteresting in terms of taste (minty jelly beans…start the revolution now), but it's tough not to admire each bean's many speckles and the fact that, yes, they do rather look like eggs. Not turtle eggs, but eggs noneggtheleggss. More interesting is the illustration of the Ninja Turtles seen on the bag, looking like a five-year-old's crude Crayola masterpiece wiped clean after someone older spilled art-ruining coffee all over it. All of the Turtles seem only half-convinced that their heads should be out of their shells, likely because longtime fans of the much grittier and grassrooty Ninja Turtles comic were throwing god damned flaming meteors at them for selling out and having jelly beans. For an officially licensed (and I know it's official because they advertise the TMNT fan club kit on the back, oh snap) Turtles product, this one really feels like a boot. Turtle Eggs? Why? Because real turtles lay eggs? That doesn't buy them a free pass, sorry.
Survey: In 50 words or less, justify Farley's decision to make Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Eggs. 51 and you're DQ'd.
Ayyyy. Sorry about the lack of a new article this past weekend — I was outta town. The plus side is, I'll be writing about where I went this weekend, so you get a trip report. You love trip reports. Anyway, it was a much needed two day binge of drinking, bad movies and complete removal from society, and if you've never endeavored in such ways, I strongly recommend it. Seriously, sometimes people need nothing more than to completely atrophy save for the few minutes spent lifting piles of junk food and alcohol to their mouths. I feel whole again.
Finally caught Saw, and I'm gonna have to almost maybe sorta give it a thumbs up. Admittedly, I wasn't really paying any attention for the first twenty minutes — dunno how much I missed, but suffice to say, I DID NOT see that coming. If you've seen the flick, you know what I'm talking about. Gotta give credit where it's due: Nobody walks into a movie like Saw these days not expecting the textbook twist, and yet, they still managed to completely surprise me. Also, Glover's inclusion wasn't anywhere near as random as I'd read. Sure, it's not a huge role, but he served some strange Danny Gloverish purpose. Besides, throwing a genuine name in there and not making him the big part helps throw everyone's guesses off. I don't want to say much more in fear of spoiling, but if you can avoid your inner critic for a while, the flick definitely works.
Yup, The Real Ghostbusters "Ecto-Plazm," a canister of neon-colored yucky stuff that no kid could be without. The goop finds its roots in the original Ghostbusters flick from `84 — the term applies to any gloppy gooey stuff that happens to surface when spooks and specters appear. It's what Bill Murray got slimed with. On the beloved cartoon, Ecto-Plazm was present in nearly every episode, even if they didn't bother to keep pointing out what it was every time a scene called for animated happy snot. It's special stuff, and in toy form, Ecto-Plazm was just an absolutely essential ingredient of childhood.
First off, it's not like all those other slimes. Ecto-Plazm was much looser — almost watery. While this precluded anyone from fondling the stuff without making a mess, it had the best "drip factor" of any toy slime — here's an example. Unique in more ways than that, Ecto-Plazm had only a lightly offensive odor — a rare trait in any edition of nontoxic novelty slime. The gunk came in many colors, because honestly, kids went through six cans a month and we were starting to crave variety. The colors afforded us a bit of extra incentive for repeat purchases, but even more so than that, the cans each contained a mystery ghost figure buried deep in the sludge. The figures were tiny, cheap, one-colored pissants, like this guy, a creature of unspeakable cleavage. Nobody cared enough to complain about the lousy figures. We came for slime…if they wanted to throw in a lousy figure, sure, fuck it, we'd take that too.
I don't know when to halt the gushing on this — I'm sure Ecto-Plazm is the kinda thing you'd have to have been there for to "get." The Real Ghostbusters wasn't the most popular cartoon franchise of its time by any stretch, but it always felt extra special for some reason — like the friend who doesn't live near you but remains your favorite to hang out with, or something that sounds even more poetic. This intangible magic trickled down to the toy line. We didn't get Ghostbustering junk as often as the other contenders' wares, but man…it always made our day when we did. Today, we salute a very special slime. I hate when I sound so National Geographyffy.
Tuesday, April 26th, 2005
Posted by Matt @ 10:27 pm [Link] [68 Comments]
Don't ask me how I got it, but to your left is a package of complimentary McDonald's bacon bits from 1987. With smoke flavoring! Provided to customers who ordered Chicken Salad Oriental or some other leafy shit, it's a big pile of nasty that has only gotten nastier with age — 
In 1988, McDonald's sought to recapture some lost sales margins in what was obviously the best way for a fast food chain to do so: By giving away free foreign coins! The "Fiesta Coin" packets each contained a 
Remember my little contributions to ToyFare Magazine 
