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02/27/2005: Shorty Open Water Review — SHARK.

I finally caught Open Water the other night, which was more or less inevitable because I must see every shark-related movie created or I'll get really sick and die. I don't want to come down too hard on it, for a few reasons — they did a lot on a shoestring, they did it without the CG nonsense and they did it without manifesting the shark as some kind of villain character with intentions that go well beyond that of any actual shark. As I've been telling random people on the streets, Open Water is a perfectly acceptable film…if you watch it on mute. Seriously, you'll get everything you need from it, and you won't have to hear that damn bad dialogue.

I can appreciate how tough it must be to write a movie-length script for two characters floating in the ocean, but man, it really hurt the impact here. For me, the idea of being trapped in the water is scary enough. I tend to think most everyone else on the planet would agree. In Open Water, the characters only seem legitimately, hardcore concerned when the sharks are like, six inches from their heads. They're pissed and worried, but they're not frantic. They're bickering at each other, they're throwing in some jokes, they're talking about bullshit stuff — NO NO NO. NOBODY WOULD DO THIS. I'm not sure how it could've been corrected, because in reality, the situation the characters were in isn't exactly conducive to talking at all. When I saw Open Water, I wasn't scared, but I sure was wondering why the characters onscreen weren't.

Plus, I was so grossed out by the woman puking in the water during the first half of the film that I just couldn't wrap my head around the rest. I spent half the movie being disgusted at the idea of them floating around in her puke chunks. When I locate the Infinity Gems and affix them to my left-hand Freezy Freakie, the first thing I'll do is ban vomit from cinema altogether.

Wait, I just remembered something else and IT NEEDS TO BE SAID.

Minor spoiler alert, but nothing major — stop reading if you need a clean slate for your first viewing. Okay? Okay. So, you may be wondering how the lovebirds get stuck in the ocean. While vacationing, they go on a diving expedition, and a misfired headcount by one of the boat people sends the rest of the divers back to shore while our star characters pet a big eel underwater. This actually plays out fine — it doesn't feel too incidental or whatever. Still, there was one thing that totally bugged me. There were like a dozen divers on the expedition, mostly male. While they're on the boat heading to the proper sea area, the heroine's twirling around her hair while her tits plop out of her suit — exactly what you're seeing in that pic there. Now, here's my issue: on the boat ride home, you're telling me that none of the other divers were going to be looking for that girl, hoping to catch another "oopsie" glimpse? C'mon. Somebody would've noticed that she wasn't there. Boob humor isn't my strong suit — I'm not saying this to be hysterical. Watch Open Water, and tell me you didn't notice this.

I saw a real incident of a woman diver being trapped on the open ocean (with a diver video camera) on. . .the Discovery Channel, I think. Sharks swarming and growing in numbers underneath her. You're absolutely right about the movie's reality issues, the terrified shrieks coming from her the whole time were the real deal, not "Oh, let's stop for dialogue and plot and forget about the fact we may die any second".

Woah, third! my best ever.. I haven't seen the movie yet, but I may just watch it for the "oopsie" part. Seriously though, you'd think the 17,00 Jaws films would have exhausted the whole genre single handedly wouldn't you? Well wouldn't you? Bah, I suppose none of the slasher flicks let it stop them, why should this?

DAMN!! Oh yeah…never saw it yet. Come to think of it, there are tons of movies I haven't seen yet that I've been "meaning" to. The word is in brackets to explain the fact that I keep saying, oh yeah, I've been meaning to see that movie, when I pretty much know that it'll be two years AFTER it comes out on DVD, and then is transferred to VHS that I'll see it

Whats worse tan the puke i thought was the little fishes that pecked away at the guys leg when he got cut, freaking nasty.

The one thing in movies that always grosses me out is puke and poop. Excessive violence I can take, puke and poop for laughs I can't.

BTW Matt, I was at a thrift store yesterday and I saw something that might be up your ally. A watch that had Count Chocola, Frankenberry, and Booberry on it in a nice box for about $4. Didn't buy it but when I saw it I thought of you.

The whole tit thing reminds me of The Life Aquatic, in which you have one of the female crew members constantly being shown topless for the first half of the film, and all the male members regard it as if it were the usual. Humor + Gratuitous Nudity = Good Movie. Heh heh.

Yeah, I work offhsore and falling overboard or a heli crash into the ocean are certainly a possiblity.. alone, sure, u'd scream (or if smart contain your energy) but in a pair talking is great to keep up morale..

I am surprised you didn't see it until now. I haven't seen it yet either, mainly because most of the reviews I read also pointed to the bickering dialog bits as detracting from the scariness of the movie. They're making jokes?
Excrement humor/grossouts really bug me in a movie (American Pie 3 comes to mind first) but puke isn't as bad. Of the top of my head, Benicio del Toro puking all over the car in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and Adriana's infamous FBI interrogation on The Sopranos (and most recently, Bro Justin's Adriana impression on Carnivale) are a few spew scenes I can think of that really worked in a funny and/or disturbing way.

Movine was a piece of shit. Only worth seeing for the wonderfully gratuitous full frontal nudity in the beginning.

I didn't want to see this movie as soon as someone compared it to Blair Witch in the water. God I hate that movie it's the WORST MOVIE EVER. But now that I hear theres bare tits in this I might have to see it.

It's not really Blair Witchy, but it would be placed in the same subgroup of whatever genre Blair Witch falls under. The major difference is, neither man nor shark kicks dat fuckin map in da riva in Open Water.

I liked the movie, the ending was (spoiler spoiler spoiler!!!!)….. depressing as hell, but hey its a true story, what are ya gonna do?

kudos on the barf ban…i'm a sympathetic vomiter so i just can't take it, ewwww….

Also saw this movie recently. I'll admit that I didn't see the ending coming, which isn't so much a tribute to it than me stating that it was a very weird ending.

I'm sure Dr. Doom was thinking the same thing when he went looking for those gems

Worst movie ever! I saw this in the theatres and the only thing good about it was being alone with my date and the movie wasn't good enough to watch. The 5 kids in the row behind us walked out of the theatre early in the movie. Lucky Me.

The movie was watchable… the dialogue truly did suck, but the actual shark movements, etc… did the trick.

Matt,
My boyfriend hated this movie, and my friend at work a diehard DVD/film collector loved it. My boyfriend said the only part he liked was the girl's boobs and the rest he said looked like he filmed it with his video camera. I can't judge, I haven't seen it yet…don't plan to.

OPEN WATER is an awful movie. Poorly shot (even for no money), poorly acted, and the marriage of shark footage with the actors is something out of an Ed Wood movie.

And the ending missed a perfect opportunity for a stinger. In place of the camera falling out of the gutted shark, why not a WEDDING RING STILL ON A FINGER!!! That would've been so much cooler!

I thought the SAME thing about no one noticing that she was missing! NO ONE! Him I understand, but HER?

i actually dug this movie. yeah, the dialogue was bad, but an entire movie (even a relatively short one) without dialogue isn't going to keep people interested.

let me rephrase that. an entire movie without dialogue isn't going to keep the *average joe moviegoer* interested. i'm not trying to sound pretentious or make this movie into the art film it's not, but although people like you and i agree that the dialogue was forced, unrealistic, and at times downright stupid, i don't think the average movie-watcher thinks in quite the same way.

and COME ON. there's such an IMPOSSIBLY small chance of people being left behind on that kind of trip, let alone, as you said, someone as obvious and noticeable as that woman. please.

but there were parts i genuinely liked. certain parts really made me jump, but more than that, it actually bothered me. not on any real level, but it actually got me to consider how *i* would feel and act and REact in that situation, and not many movies do that — and this one did it well, and in a way that made me realize how UTTERLY FUCKING TERRIFYING such a situation would be. i appreciate a film with ability to do that.

and the quick underwater camera dips that showed a shark or sharks for just a few seconds? great addition to that fearful thinking.

and the ending really, really got me. i was just like "NO WAY", and so few movies make me say that, and even fewer make me say it, then think about it, then realize that what happened was not only understandable upon consideration, but something i might even consider doing. i mean, who knows? we don't exactly plan for what we'd do if we ever ended up in that situation.

Regarding the shark footage at the end… the shark that had camera falling out of its innards wasn't even the same type of shark that was in the ocean with the characters.

All of you naysayers moaning about how unlikely it is that two people would be left behind on a dive trip obviously haven't seen that the movie is in fact based on real events.

Those people were from my hometown. It made papers when it happened. Truly frightening prospect, and yes, it really did happen, though they took liberties with the screenplay. I thing frankly that the thought of it in my head is more terrifying than the movie turned out to be.

One thing this movie teaches us, when on vacation f@#$ your husband. Never know if you'll get to have sex again….

Puking in the water? arg, I cant stand that in movies either. In fact thats probably the main reason I wont watch this movie. I just cant take it. Gross.

Hey matt, crescent fresh.
If any of you guys want to piss people off with school computers or freak them out, shark attack websites arn't banned by school security! So… you can place some nasty pics as wallpaper and find out how the next kid feels when they see it. HAHAHA.
It was most crescent fresh when some chick that hates me found the pics. Rock

I was so psyched up for this movie but it was horrendous. I agree that the way they made it was amazing, but the dialogue sucked, you wanted the terribly annoying characters to get pissed on by the sharks then eaten… It was a waste of my 80 minutes. Not even GOOD shitty, just shitty.

"When I locate the Infinity Gems and affix them to my left-hand Freezy Freakie, the first thing I'll do is ban vomit from cinema altogether."

Well, it's official. You are the coolest person to ever exist in the long, long history of existence. Worked two of the most wonderful ideas ever into one quip. You are a beuatiful man.

I'm all for banning barf from cinema altogether. Ew.
I liked Open Water. I remember well the "real" events it's based upon. It scared the everloving crap out of me. But yeah, I spent a good deal of the movie thinking, "I'm terrified - shouldn't you be a little concerned as well?" And, yeah, the barf was gross.
I'm the worst lesbian in the world, because it never occurred to me that Blanchard Ryan and her boobs might stand out in a crowd of mostly men.

I don't know why people try to re-make a genre that has already been mastered by Jaws. Just because you have better technology than a robot shark, doesn't mean the movie won't suck big floppy donkey…ears.

This was a terrible film. If it weren't for the fact I met a wonderfull girl in the cinema that night, I wouldn't considered the whole thing a waste of precious rum grogging time.

i saw a shark movie called
MEGALODON, it is the crappiest shark movie ever. the shark is omputer generated and so is a table and a building. the plot sucks the acting sucks. the shark sucks, Matt, you have to see this one

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This entry was posted on Sunday, February 27th, 2005 at 3:24 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.